Vanessa's mom died in March of 2004. I really miss her. She accepted me so much more than my own mom did.
Karen is the owner of FemmeFever. She's so sweet, and I think one of the other FF girls told me, "We've all had a crush on Karen at one point or another." It makes sense. After going for years without, you finally find someone who is not only attractive, but accepts you for who you are.
Woah. I'm reading this now for the first time in at least four years, and I really wrote this? "I can be feminine when I want, and then just relax and be a guy afterwards." It's hard for me to imagine that I ever felt that way or thought that way. But notice that a few paragraphs later, I'm trying to get my brain around transitioning... without transitioning! It was only six months later, that I decided I wouldn't ever go back to "being a guy." Ever.
The pictures posted here were originally posted in this entry, as I had the pictures but not the diary entry. In fact, I didn't even remember I wrote about this until I found it again.
December 14th, 2002
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I went to my first FemmeFever "house party" and I had a great time! I had a little bit of trouble sleeping as I sometimes do. I look forward to the get-togethers, and just "being Amy" so much. But at least I got five hours of sleep today. I got up, showered, "shaved myself down" again (I hadn't shaved in over a week), and went to Vanessa's house to get ready.
Unfortunately, Nessa wasn't feeling good and couldn't meet us at Auntie M's afterwards. But Nessa and her mother still let me get ready at their house and then come back afterwards to sleep over. I thank God for Vanessa and her mother. I would be lost without them. I try to remind them as much as possible without being redundant, that I appreciate them, and what they do for me, so much.
Vanessa even had Christmas cards for Michelle & Cecile, Lilly, & Karen. I didn't even think of that! Although I had a birthday card for Karen. I really like her. I don't know if it would be right for her to have a personal interest in someone in her "club" as more than a friend though. I wonder... ;)
So I drove to Karen's, actually found a place to park not far from the house, and upon entering, saw so many familiar faces. I was so happy to see Lilly, Michelle, Anna, Heather, Karen of course, Carmen and Suzy (who I met at the Father Jerry photo shoot), and Kristine and Phyllis (who I met at RS Jones). I also met Andi, who is so funny and crazy. :) She told me I was "so cute, just look how cute you are!" Of course, I'll never get tired of hearing things like that from anybody. :)
What are the highlights of the time at Karen's house? I talked to so many interesting girls like me, I had delicious shrimp cocktail, took some photos, was in some photos (I still have yet to see some of those group shots by the tree), I lost my amethyst off my necklace (the necklace just came off, didn't break though, thank God), but I found it in the bathroom, thank God again! I got a manicure set from the grab bag. Carmen got the gift I bought, a huge makeup set. All kinds of eye makeup, lipsticks and blushes. I'm glad Carmen got it, she deserves it. :) I liked it so much I was tempted to just grab my own gift, but nahhh, that would have been boring.
I keep wondering if Karen really likes me, but she seems to be very friendly and "flirty" with many of the girls. When we were posing for the group shot, Karen and I were sitting in front of the tree with others sitting or standing behind us. She started playing footsie with me, and then she put her legs over my legs... it was pretty surreal with both of us wearing panyhose, lol! But it felt nice and got my heart beating a little faster. I am soooo bad at being able to tell if people are just being friendly or genuinely have an attraction or fondness for me. So it's the same case here. Karen has John (or Siandra, John's "femme name"), but I have heard it's an "on-again, off-again," relationship. Maybe they see other people, I don't know... I don't know if it would be proper to ask Karen out on a date...? It's probably complicated since she runs the group/club/whatever you want to call it, and I am one of hundreds of members. Well, I'm sure I'll see more of her, so we'll see what happens... if she keeps up with the flirting, I'll either jump her bones or faint, lol!
Afterwards, we went to Auntie M's. I followed Michelle there, and Lilly followed me. It's a very small bar, pool table in front, one "unisex" bathroom. A few guys were staring at me when I came in, & once again I cannot "read" people. I don't know if they're staring at me because they find me attractive, they do not like me for some reason, they are trying to figure out what gender I really am, hehe. I have no idea. But I had a good time there. There were some verrry attracive lesbians/bisexuals (?) there...very young and very nice...they did not stare at me though, oh well. :) There was one there who looked like Dominique Swain...oooh, I love Dominique Swain! Now guys are staring at me, I am staring at this Dominique look-alike, and she seems oblivious to all of this, ha ha! :)
There was some girl (also very attractive) playing pool while laying ON the pool table, hehe. Heather goes over and "chases" her off. Heather is sooo funny, just irrepressible, really. And of course, that is great! :) I talked to Phil, who is a Vietnam vet and former firefighter...wow...my father was in Vietnam. He was too embarrassed to come dressed. I do feel bad for those who are older and of a heavier build than me. Some of them feel unattractive or embarrassed. Not everyone can be 5'5" and be "out" in their 30's like I am. But someday (unless something terrible happens to me), I'll be that age myself. I do not judge anybody by their age, weight, gender, sexual persuasion, race, etc... I just try to be thankful and appreciate what I have as much as possible without having a swelled head over it.
So anyway, Phil finds me very attractive, and he is bi-sexual. He bought me TWO drinks, spent 8 bucks on me, which I appreciated very much. Unfortunately, I am only occassionally "bi-curious" as I have mentioned before. If I ever do have an encounter with a man or another T-girl (who is usually still a man under all that anyway), it would be with someone I know very well and am totally comfortable with. And it will very likely never happen, and no big loss if it doesn't. And if it did happen, I may or may not enjoy it. I just don't know at this point. It is not at the forefront of my mind anyway. I just enjoy meeting all these interesting people, and making friends!
Speaking of which, I spoke to Andi, who I mentioned above. I'm not sure what made Andi confide in me with her dilemma, though I am glad she did. (Even though it's very sad.) Maybe she is attracted to me (at this time I don't know her sexual preference), maybe I was just there at the right moment, I don't know. But she is married (to a gg), and has three kids... and is now at the point where she wants to get SRS. This is probably the end of her marriage I am guessing, and maybe the alienation of her kids. Plus "coming out" in the workplace. She is very depressed living life as man, and she showed me scars on her wrist, which I'm not sure is from suicide attempts or self-mutilation. I tried to console her as best as I could, and I can only imagine what it must be like. I do not hate my male persona at all, but I do enjoy my female persona more. But I like the way I am, having the "best of both worlds." I can be feminine when I want, and then just relax and be a guy afterwards. But not everyone is like this, and Andi is one of them, has a need to be a woman that just won't go away. So the only choices are to stay the way she is, and be miserable, just wanting this all her life and never getting it...or make the change into a woman and risk messing up everything else, family, job, marriage, etc...it must be so hard to make a choice like that. So I want to help her in some way. I sent her an email a day after the party, left her my cellphone number if she ever needed to talk or whatever.
Anyway, three gin and tonics later (two of which were bought by Phil...thank you Phil!), I was feeling very happy, hehe. I hugged almost everyone goodbye, and usually I am very hesitant in doing that. I gave Karen a nice squeeze. :) I just have never hugged much and done touchy-feely things like that in "guy mode," but I want to be very sweet and everything as Amy, so hopefully one day I will be as sweet and nice without being totally blasted! Hee hee. :)
Kristine drove me home, and I left my car in the lot. I very much appreciated her for doing that for me. :) She's very pretty also. Some of the girls are sooo pretty and feminine, then they speak and I hear a "guy voice," and I don't even expect it. Kristine wears very nice outfits, satin (or satin-looking) blouses, leather skirts, sexy heels, long-ass legs, and her makeup and hair are immaculate. I get "fooled" sub-consciously into thinking a sexy, sultry voice would come out of that mouth! :) So she drove me to Vanessa's house, it was 1 am at that time. I changed and broke out the makeup remover pads, and had to relate my conversation with Andi to Vanessa before calling it a night. Vanessa has had problems similar to Andi's (not related to gender identity though, caused by other things), so I figured she would understand at least the symptoms of these problems, even if she couldn't relate to the cause itself (the cause being this life-shaking, potentially life-destroying, thing that is called having SRS, and the reactions of those you love).
Now a related thought, which has been invading my mind more and more lately. As I do more and more "Amy-related" things, I begin to love it more and more. I am starting the hair-removal appointments in January, thinking of removing the birthmark on my shoulder, going to these FemmeFever get-togethers, thinking of growing my hair into at least a semi-feminine style, and just going out in "drab" with some makeup, clothes on, etc... I begin to fantasize more and more, about if I lived by myself (or with an understanding roommate), I could just wear these clothes/makeup/etc..., all the time. Then I might even consider going dressed to the workplace. Just imagine...! Going to work in a dress, blouse and skirt, or just jeans and a shirt, but with the makeup, hair, nails, etc...! Wow. I would be so nervous, and people would probably be giggling, staring, etc... But I would still feel great. I would ask the management first though, and I have a feeling they would be okay with it. This job is the only job I have ever had that I actually like my supervisors, bosses, etc...usually I get along with the other employees and not the management. But I guess I would tell them, "I am a crossdresser, and I prefer to wear women's clothes and makeup. Would this be acceptable to come to work dressed in that way?" Man, I am so curious as to what they would say! I would of course reassure them that I wear normal women's clothing. A lot of people do not know a lot about crossdressers, and they may mistakenly assume that I would come wearing some gaudy outfit or wear inappropriate clothes. Maybe I would stop by in person to discuss this, and show some photos of how I would present myself at work. I don't think I would be fired for this... either they say yes, and it's fine... or they would say no, and I would continue to attend work in "guy mode." They already had a outwardly homosexual man work there, and he used to wear wacky leather outfits and do his nails with the girls there. Anyway, I keep thinking about this. But, this could only happen after all of the following happen first: A) I live in my own place or with an accepting roommate, B) I finish up my laser hair removal (as I mentioned before, my skin is so sensitive I can't shave every day or even every two days, so stubble is not acceptable, I have to totally look the part at work, for me anyway), C) grow my real hair long (that wig would really get on my nerves every day), and probably also D) get that birthmark removed. Now...B and D are happening real soon, C will take awhile, and I hope I can get my hair to look nice, and A is probably very far off. This job is great, but $10.25 an hour is not enough to live on, especially with child support taken out. I can barely afford my bills as it is. So it's either get another job or a second job (who may or may not let me come dressed as Amy in the workplace), or take a few years to pay off my debts (without running up new ones!), get some raises in the meantime hopefully, and find a roommate or girlfriend to live with. Just some thoughts... but I would love to live full-time or almost full-time as Amy. With my hair long and my facial hair removed, I would only have to throw on some girly clothes, put on makeup and go. Soooo easy compared to now. Shaving... I hate it. That shadow is always there no matter how close I shave. Covering my birthmark... hate it. Takes so long and the concealer gets on my outfits. The wig... I love my wig, but my scalp gets hot and itchy, it gets tangled, smells like smoke after going out to places like Auntie M's. And living with my family... I have to hide everything. If I lived away from home, I would probably only be in "guy mode" to see my family and my friends who don't know about this. I wouldn't want to hurt my family or my daughter. Besides that, just be Amy... go out anywhere as Amy, sleep as Amy, go to work as Amy... just be that way all the time. How wonderful it would be. Maybe this will happen eventually. It's just nice to think of it. :)
All in all, it was a great night! I'm not sure what the next "Amy event" will be, but I do want to go to another of Karen's house parties on Jan 31st, a Friday night, which may be a sleepover/slumber party, if enough are interested. Another night I have to take off work, ah well. Then I may have my first facial hair removal session on the next day. My appointment right now is for Jan 10th, a Friday, so I would have to take off two Friday's in one month, that would be not so good. So maybe I can schedule a Saturday appointment for hopefully later in the day. They only do Saturdays every six weeks or so, and Feb 1st is one of those Saturdays. I just have to call them on Monday to find out if they have any good times for me on that day. In any case, I'm looking forward to banishing my beard. :)
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