Honesty

I was a bit tired, and I took a nap for a little over an hour, got up, played some of those annoyingly addictive apps on Facebook, then went to bed. I laid there for a little while, staring into the blackness. I got to thinking about things, as one is apt to do in the stillness before sleep arrives. I had to write it down.

Lately, I'd been wondering if it was just me. I had heard quite a bit of this lately: "You're obsessed with knowing everything." There were a few other comments like that, but for the life of me, I can't remember them right now. I need the truth. I need honesty and openness. I've always loved that song by Fleetwood Mac that goes, "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies." I've never paid attention to the rest of the lyrics, but oh boy, if I ever say that, you'll know I've flipped my lid.

I'm not the only one who feels this way. I've gotten some emails from friends regarding one of my prior entries, and a comment or two.

I'm not alone. Who is with me? See for yourself:

"I feel the same as you about smoking, and the truth for that matter."

"No, I don't think you should have gone through her purse, but I probably would have done the same thing because I too HATE being lied to for any reason. ...If you've lied you should admit it and truly be sorry for it."

"I feel as you do about smoking... and other things. But those are just the undesirable side effects taking a back seat to LYING. I can fight against many things, I can help, support, offer tools, be the catalyst for change, face challenges - EVEN ACCEPT - as long as I KNOW the truth. If the truth is denied, I am a boat without motor or sails in the relationship. I become suspicious of all manner of things, wondering why, if I am lied to about something so small and simple - why would I not be lied to on a big scale."

"If she feels compelled to lie about cigs, it naturally invites you to wonder what bigger things she is hiding from you. My own belief, with no basis other than intuition and my meager people skills, is that Nikki is hiding some very big things from you. The purse search was unfortunate, but needed. Try to keep your wits about you, and listen to your gut."

I do love Nikki. So, so much. If I didn't, I would've left a few weeks ago. For three years, she's been my soulmate and the woman of my dreams. I'm sensitive and tend to find it difficult to get over things that hurt me. But I'm also forgiving, and I strive to move on and make things better. I'm finding it hard lately to get back to a state of security and safeness. Before I can move on from the last hurt, a new hurt charges at me, baring it's teeth.

 

We're both angry at each other, and hurt. We both did wrong. How do we make it right? I'll try my best to stay out of her personal things, because I know it's wrong, and it hurts the one I love. But I know I did it because I felt I was being lied to, and I had to know the truth. I would LOVE to get to a level of trust that I don't feel any urge, any desire, any need, to go through anything. Why would I, if I trust her implicitly? Can we get to that point?

 

 

Today, we had an exchange of words before I left to run some errands:
 
"If I do end up leaving you, it'll be because you go through my things."
 
"Well, if I leave you, it'll be because of all your lies."

I think we were both being honest there. It's a start... but of what, I just don't know.