For those who don't know, my mother still doesn't accept the fact that I'm a transsexual. It's been over seven years now, and she seems no closer to coming around than she did then. She still calls me by my old male name, though she knows it was changed a few years back. She refuses to even write the name in correspondence.
Below is a letter that I received late last week. I'm going to write it here, then write my reply, and type it in here too. A lot of the things she states she heard is just untrue. Someone is exaggerating. Anyway, here's her letter to me.
X (male name deleted),
Last week, Dad took Grandma back to Nebraska to see her sister and nieces. He had a good time until his cousins and aunt confronted him about your letters to them. Supposedly, you told them that we had thrown you out and disowned you. I guess you had a few especially nasty things to say about me. I really didn't think it was possible to break my heart anymore than it is. This is your decision to pursue this kind of life. Life is so hard already, and you're only making it harder on yourself. You can't deny that you're making yourself unhireable. An employer has more than enough issues with employees without taking on the burden of hiring a transvestite.
You are so positive that you're doing the right thing, but I really worry about what will become of you. We won't be around forever, and Dan and Laura are really not inclined to help support you. They have their own families and problems. You have taken their brother away, as you have taken my son away. This is your own choice, you don't ask your 93 year old grandmother to finance a sex change. Even if she could, she wouldn't do it. It goes against everything she has lived her life believing.
Please stop sending pictures and trying to force a relationship with these people. They are embarrassed and feel badly for us. I don't know how to make you see this. They are all parents and know how we must feel. All parents want their children to be happy, but your lifestyle is just really hard to get past. Each person's sexuality is a very private thing, and really should be of no interest to others. You're trying to force people into acceptance but that can't work. They don't wish you ill, but at the same time they don't want or have an interest in this. I know I can't make you see the effect you're having, because this is the life you've chosen for yourself, and you've convinced yourself it's right. But this is your own life, and these decisions are yours. You can't change how people think.
I can only hope that you can find people that feel the same way that you do, so you're not alone. You have to have something of your own to fit your life. We can't fit because this is just too much to get past. Because you are our son, it's really so very very hard. It is the heart break of our lives, because we literally don't know how you'll end up, and how you'll support yourself. I have a hard time seeing a good future, you have no job, no insurance, no prospects, no retirement, and no savings. You can't live in a bubble, you have to fit in the world as it exists and not how you want it to be. I don't know how to make you see what's right there. This is your life right now, there is no second chance. You only get to do it once, and when you look back, it's really such a short time. I don't know if I've given you anything to think about, but I'll never stop hoping that I have.
Ma
*sigh*
Dear Mom,
I was very surprised at what you told me in the beginning of your letter. I have never said you kicked me out or disowned me. You took me in for several months when Vanessa was about to sell her house, and after Nikki and the kids went into the safe house. I had no money, and you and Dad took me in and fed me, rent free. Then I chose to move to Michigan with Nikki and the kids. These people (who I don't know and have never talked to) misunderstood, or were exaggerating. The only people I've conversed with on Dad's side of the family, are Grandma, Candice (though not for many months), and Deanna (once, about a year ago). All I told them is that you don't accept or understand why I made the change that I did. I don't know Dad's cousins, and unless it's Aunt Edna, I don't know the aunt of his that you mentioned either. I'm very sorry that they upset you and Dad, but I never told anybody what they claim.
The work situation is an issue that I've been struggling with for years. Yes, there is a stigma attached to being a transsexual, and it's something I have to deal with. Like you said, I didn't make this world, and I have to deal with it and get by as best as I can. Also, I am not a transvestite. A transvestite is someone who dresses in clothing of the opposite sex, and acts in that role, and they later return to their lives and act as their born gender. They typically don't change their name or consider surgery. Transsexuals (note that I have mixed feelings on this term, as many focus on the last three syllables and see it to be a 'sexual' thing) usually take hormones, change their name, and some seek surgery.
Please believe me when I tell you that I have never asked Grandma for money for gender reassignment surgery. I did mention that I wanted it, but had no money, and that was that. Also, please realize that Grandma does accept what I'm doing and who I am. No, I don't think she is any better than you are in any way. I don't know how or why she can accept when others can't. Everyone's different, I suppose.
Yes, I'm no longer representative of any form of son or brother. I can't imagine what such a loss must feel like. I won't apologize for being who I am, but I am sorry for your pain, as well as for the rest of the family. To grieve is natural. I have changed in so many ways. My friend Chris took it hard for many years. Yet, Steve and Daria got through it after a brief adjustment period. Everyone is different, and everyone feels things differently.
As far as sexuality being a private thing, this doesn't apply here (apart from me and Nikki's relationship). This is about gender. I am living the life of a different gender than I used to. The way I feel inside never matched the way I look on the outside. I've felt this way for as far back as I can remember. I was always afraid to say so. Afraid of being ridiculed by other kids, afraid of being punished as a child for acting in a way I shouldn't. Gender is a very public thing. There are males and there are females. They are (usually) very easy to tell apart. I was not happy living in the male gender role. I always felt different inside. I went in and out of depression since high school, until my separation with Christina. It took me so long to put two and two together, and to see that transsexuals are not freakish people. They are not like Rupaul, or like that character on The Rocky Horror Picture Show. They live day to day lives, and you've probably seen some of them and never thought a thing about them. The same way that people may look my way on the street when I'm walking the kids to school, or in a store shopping, and then look away. I've always been rather slim and short, and never had rugged facial features. That really helps me now. I would really love to have a job. Things go fine until they do a background check. Someday, I'll find a more open-minded employer.
I do have insurance at this point, though it's from the state. When Nikki and I finally get married, I could be on her insurance. She's very close to having a regular teaching position, since they're going to be firing the teacher in her classroom. They want Nikki to teach the class. So she'll soon be making a lot more money. As for me, I've been writing a lot lately, and I want to see if I can get a novel published. I've also considered starting my own business, fixing computers and such.
I do have quite a few good friends here. Some are transsexual, but many aren't. I know three mothers of transsexual children. Rachel and Josie are both nine years old, and Emerson is twelve. Josie is home-schooled, since their local school has a problem with her attending class as a girl, but the other two are able to go to school. They have all been saying they're a girl (and Emerson insisting he's a boy) since they could speak. This was unheard of ten years ago, but kids like this were always around. The world is slowly changing. When I was younger, there was barely any media coverage on transsexuality. Now there are specials on The Discovery Channel, and The Learning Channel, as well as episodes of The Tyra Banks Show and others. Many people will never accept or understand, but many others do. There are many crusaders (trans or not) of the rights of transsexuals. I don't wish to be one of them, though I applaud their efforts. I merely wish to live my life as the gender I feel inside. The ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act) in Tucson prohibits employers from discriminating on the basis of gender identity. Previously, it only included race, ethnicity, religion, et al. (Though many employers can find another "reason" for firing (or not hiring) anyway.) Things change, albeit slowly.
As far as choice, I didn't choose this. Other than a choice to be happy or not, there is no choice. This is who I am inside. I can be me, or live a lie. I can live as a woman, or fight depression and anxiety for the rest of my life. Besides being without a job, I am happy. I love Nikki, I love our family, and I love my home and my friends. I'm so much more in touch with my feelings than I was before. Grandma said when she saw me a year ago, that she had never seen me talk so much or seem so happy. I am, very much so. I'm comfortable and at ease with myself. I'm living my life authentically. Like you said, there's no second chance in life. If I tried to be who everyone wants me to be, I would only live my life with regret and sadness.
I truly love you and Dad, my brother and sister, and grandparents, aunts and uncles. I can feel that so much more. And I feel so sad that so many of you cannot accept who I am. But just as I have no choice but to be who I am, you (all of you) have no choice but to feel the way you feel about it. Maybe someday, you'll see that I'm still here. I have the same interests, the same values, and the same wacky sense of humor. My gender is all that's changed. But yes, that is an awfully big change. I wish I could put an end to my family's pain, disappointment, and heartbreak. The only way for me to that would be to return to living a lie, the act that I had to play for so many years... and that would be so unhealthy for me. 'Devastating' would not even be a fitting word.
I love you, Ma. I love you all.
Love,
