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Showing posts with label transphobia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transphobia. Show all posts

Transsexual Discrimination in Dianic Wicca

As I mentioned in another post, there is a problem in Wicca with prejudice against transgender folk, particularly in Dianic Wicca. Transwomen aren't allowed in many Dianic covens and officially, the tradition as whole, because they weren't born as a woman. Transmen aren't allowed because they are now men. Can anyone say "double standard?" I wonder if Z. Budapest can. In a recent post on the Pantheon blog: (http://www.patheos.com/community/paganportal/2011/03/01/transgender-issues-in-pagan-religions/), Star Foster (who is not transgender) defends transwomen, saying, "We embrace so much, shake our fists at those who would seek to limit and define us, and then presume the right to tell someone the truth of their own body/spirit/mind? I tend to accept folks at face value. I’ve known transgender women for months without realizing they were MtF, and completely accepted them as fabulous women. Because they are. It wasn’t even a case of there being a question of their “femaleness”. If anything, they were more female than I." Thank you, Star Foster! *claps*

Z. Budapest (the founder of the Dianic tradition) is quoted as not only saying that transwomen have no place in Dianic Wicca, but that "women are born, not made by men on operating tables." She also referred to us as "transies." Ooooh, you little... mumble mumble...

That is beyond insulting. For someone so involved with the feminist movement, fighting for equality and respect, how ironic (and senseless) can you get? Not only that, but Wicca is one of the most accepting religions out there. We're all just people. I don't think Z. Budapest is helping her karma any by saying the things she's saying. The threefold law is one of the only laws in Wicca, and something that all Wiccans believe, regardless of tradition. It'll bite you on the ass if you're unkind to others. Check out the link above for the entirety of what she had to say.

In order to sign up for her online courses, you're required to respond affirmatively to the following question: "Are you a born woman?" Sheesh.

From http://wicca.dianic-wicca.com. Just a bit repetitive, I'd say. I think the Goddess knows I'm female.

I left a comment on that blog:

"Thank you so much, Star, Rose, and everyone else who has written in with support for transgendered folk. I am a MTF transsexual, and what so many take for granted (and why wouldn't they?), I, and others like me, had to fight tooth and nail for. Z Budapest is very wrong here. I am not a man. I have never been a man. I was born with male parts, but it was never me. Why is this so difficult a concept to grasp? I have been with a loving woman for four years, and she says that I'm one of the most feminine women she's ever met, and that doesn't mean "forced" femininity like a crossdresser may exhibit. It comes from within. Wicca, like just any other religion, speaks to and from the soul. The body is but a shell. It's the soul that lives on. I have the soul of a woman. It resonates through every aspect of my being. And I worked damn hard to be the woman I am today. It would be nice if Budapest and others would recognize that, just like they want everyone else to realize women's sufferings and struggles. Transsexuals deserve a chance to be given the same respect that cissexual women do. Don't confuse us with crossdressers or drag queens. We are NOT men." 

Someone got bent out of shape and started thinking I was insulting crossdressers or drag queens. Is it an insult to call them men? No insult was ever intended. I have quite a few friends who are crossdressers. I just think that maybe Ms. Budapest is a bit confused. She said, "You can tell these are men." I know a lot of transwomen who, if they stood right in front of her, would look like any other woman to this lady. The worst thing is, Z. Budapest has quite a lot of influence in the Dianic circle. She founded the whole tradition, after all. A lot of women look up to her and admire her. So for many, her views are their views. Sigh. I'm sure there are at least a few Dianic covens with transwomen among their number. As a matter of fact, I do know at least one who is in such a coven, and one who started their own coven. Impressive. If Budapest would only listen, I think she could learn quite a lot from people like us. If only...

A big thanks goes out to Sally Sapphire for cluing me in to that post on the Pantheon blog! I really appreciate that, Sally.  :)


On a more positive note, the Intro to Wicca classes are starting next month! You can bet I'll be there! Nikki may be attending these classes with me also. She does have a traditional Christian upbringing, but she has believed in Mother and Father God for quite awhile, and she also believes in reincarnation to learn life's lessons. These are core beliefs of Wicca.

Here's an outline of the classes:

WICCA - AN INTRODUCTION

This is a general outline of the topics that will be covered in class.  As desired by the instructors and students, we may deviate from this list slightly in order to fully cover the subject.  We will also support the classes with handouts, slides, guest speakers, displays, props, etc. Each week will have a different set of handouts, different display and different slides, all of which are relevant to that week’s topic.  If you are under the age of consent, please show this to your parents and get their written permission to continue to attend.


WEEK I         Introduction of class and instructors.  Who we are and why we are here.
           General overview of the material and what Witchcraft is and is not.
                       Ethics and Morals and karma and Fate
                                    Polarity and Balance
                                    The Three-Fold Law
                       The Wiccan Worldview

WEEK II       Reincarnation, the ultimate in recycling. 
           The Gods of Wicca  (slide show)
                                    The Horned God
                                    The Mother Goddess
                       Creation Myths and Witchcraft's relations with women

WEEK III       Cycles
                        Wheel of the year 
                                    The Calendar.
                        Tools and Temples  (slides and displays to touch)
           
WEEK IV      Rituals:
                       Esbats and Sabbats.
                                    What happens at a Ritual and why. (slide Show, note: contains some nudity)
                       Magick and Divination; the physics, math and psychology of magick. (displays and fun and games)

WEEK V        History/Herstory:
                        Part I, The ancient world.  34,000 bce to classical times. (slides)
                        Part II, Classical times through the Burning Times. (slides & displays, note: graphic
                                    violence)
                        Part III, The Twentieth Century.  The modern Revival.
                       
WEEK VI       Civil rights and Witchcraft 
                        Animal Rights
                        Festivals and Networks. 

WEEK VII      Possession, ghosts, etc.
            Humor
                        Music
                        Cyber-Wicca, Technology and Witchcraft

WEEK VIII    Different Traditions of Wicca and people important to modern Wicca.
                        The Coven Witch vs the Solitary Witch.
                        Traditional vs Eclectic Wicca.
                        How one becomes a Witch.
                        Advancement, Degrees and the clergy of Wicca.

Misc topics as time and interest allow: spiritual growth, the Law, the military Witch, ghosts, Salem, time, cycles, stone circles and other temples of Wicca, auras, meditation, the media, the black mass (why it doesn't exist in Wicca), vocabulary, stereotypes and whatever you want to cover.

I am so looking forward to these classes! I can't wait...

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12th International Transgender Day of Remembrance

When will it all end? Probably not in my lifetime. Until it ends, we have the Transgender Day of Remembrance. There are a lot of deaths that have gone unrecorded in the public media. Many people are not recognized as being transgender by local authorities. Some are crossdressers who were clothed as their born sex when they were murdered, and others were transsexuals and had not yet started transition. According to http://www.transrespect-transphobia.org/en_US/tvt-project/tmm-results/tdor2010.htm, there have been 179 killings since the last TDOR. However, only 29 are reported at http://www.transgenderdor.org. Perhaps there wasn't enough information to include the other 150 deaths? 

As far as Blogger is concerned, this is a very large entry. There are long pauses as I type, and then all of a sudden, a string of text shoots out. These entries are only going to get larger and larger each year. In order to record those deaths that occurred since my last entry on November 20th, 2009, I went to

The previous deaths were taken from the "wall" at the Remembering Our Dead site at: http://www.rememberingourdead.org/about/core.html

Hopefully you'll never see my name on any of these sites. Many others have not been so lucky. They were killed simply for the act of being themselves. Living their life as who they are inside. They were welcomed with violence and death. I wonder if the human race will ever grow and mature beyond the savages that some of us clearly are. 


November 20th, 2009 - November 20th, 2010

Brenda
Location: Rome, Italy
Cause of Death: Burned to death
Date of Death: November 20, 2009

Wanchai Tongwijit
Location: Wichit, Phuket City, Thailand
Cause of Death: Shot in the head
Date of Death: November 21, 2009

Mariah Malina Qualls
Location: San Francisco, California
Cause of Death: Blunt force trauma to the head.
Date of Death: December 9, 2009

Estrella (Jose Angel) Venegas
Location: Mexicali, Mexico
Cause of Death: Shot in the chest and the forehead
Date of Death: December 13, 2009

Wong
Location: Bernama, Malaysia
Cause of Death: Wong had stab wounds in the right side of the stomach and left side of the chest plus bruises in the right hand.
Date of Death: January 1, 2010

Myra Chanel Ical
Location: Houston, Texas
Cause of Death: Many wounds and defensive bruises.
Date of Death: January 18, 2010

Derya Y.
Location: Antalya, turkey
Cause of Death: Stabbed to death
Date of Death: February 8, 2010

Dino Curi Huansi
Location: Parma, Italy
Cause of Death: Stabbed and left in roadside dump
Date of Death: March 26, 2010

Amanda Gonzalez-Andujar
Location: Queens, New York
Cause of Death: Strangled
Date of Death: March 27, 2010

Unidentified transgender woman
Location: Jakarta, Indonesia
Cause of Death: Dismembered and mutilated
Date of Death: Estimated to have taken place the last week in March

Unidentified transgender woman
Location: Chihuahua, Mexico
Cause of Death: Beheaded
Date of Death: April 3, 2010

Toni Alston
Location: Charlotte, North Carolina
Cause of Death: Shot to death
Date of Death: April 3, 2010

Ashley Santiago Ocasio
Location: Corozal, Puerto Rico
Cause of Death: Stabbed to death
Date of Death: April 19, 2010

Azra
Location: Izmir, Turkey
Cause of Death: Shot in the back of the head
Date of Death: April 27, 2010

Chanel (Dana A. Larkin)
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Cause of Death: Shot in the head
Date of Death: May 7, 2010

Unidentified transgender woman
Location: San Cristobal, Dominican Republic
Cause of Death: Raped and shot 3 times
Date of Death: May 15, 2010

Angie González Oquendo
Location: Caguas, Puerto Rico
Cause of Death: Strangled with an electrical cord
Date of Death: May 24, 2010

Sandy Woulard
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Cause of Death: Shot in the chest
Date of Death: June 21, 2010

Roy Antonio Jones III
Location: Southampton, NY
Cause of Death: Punched repeatedly and grabbed by the neck
Date of Death: August 1, 2010
Roy was 16 Months old.
Note: 20 year old Pedro Jones told police he had struck the infant several times with a closed fist. Jones said he was “trying to make him act like a boy instead of a little girl.”

Imperia Gamaniel Parson
Location: San Pedro Sula, Honduras
Cause of Death: Shot
Date of Death: August 30, 2010

Gypsy
Location: Houston, Texas
Cause of Death: Shot to death
Date of Death: September 6, 2010

Victoria Carmen White
Location Maplewood, New Jersey
Cause of Death: Shot
Date of Death: September 12, 2010

Justo Luis González García
Location: Juana Diaz, Puerto Rico
Cause of Death: Shot in the head
Date of Death: September 13, 2010

Unidentified person dressed in women’s clothes
Location: Juana Diaz, Puerto Rico
Cause of Death: Shot in the head
Date of Death: September 13, 2010

Irem
Location: Bursa, Turkey
Cause of Death: Drowned in her apartment
Date of Death: September 20, 2010

Stacey Lee aka Stacey Blahnik
Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Cause of Death: Unreported by police
Date of Death: October 11, 2010

Unidentified person dressed in women’s clothes
Location: Sheikhupura, Pakistan
Cause of Death: Brutally tortured and burned
Date of Death: November 6, 2010

Unidentified Eunuch
Location: Sheikhupura, Pakistan
Cause of Death: Brutally tortured and burned
Date of Death: November 7, 2010

Emanuelly Colaço Taborda
Location: Parana, Brazil
Cause of Death: Strangled
Date of Death: November 9, 2010

November 20th, 2009 and Before

Edna Brown

Tyra Hunter

Huriell Lockett
(David King)

Unknown
New York City, 1972

Rhonda Star
(Ronnie Dean Lyles)

Cynthia Coffman

Felicia Coffman

Harvey Aberles

Unknown
Atlanta, 10/29/91

Jamie Ford

Jean (Woodrow) Powell

Unknown,
Atlanta 12/20/92

Anthony Swain

Derry Glenn

Quincy Favors Taylor

Lynn Therrett

David A. Perez

Michelle Maree

Rev. John “Gypsy” Prowett

Chanelle Pickett

Brandon

Logan Smith

Robyn Brown
(James Brown)

Maxwell Confait

Giuseppe Mandanici

Marsha P. Johnson

Alan Fitzgerald Walker

Jae Stevens

Stella Essie
(Jerome Brent)

Debra Forte

Unknown,
Madrid, 1997

Jose Angel Osuna

Mara Duvouw

John

Sigfrilda Shantall
Pastor Arguelles

Fitzroy “Jamaica” Green

Luana
(Junior de Silva Lago)

Chanel Chandler

Rita Hester

Unknown
Santa Ana, 11/20/88

Harold Draper

Richard Goldman

Monique Rogers

Jessy Santiago

Cameron “Tina” Tanner

Robert Woefel

Thomas Hall

Maria “La Conchita” Palencia

Rene “Michelle” Ouellet

Tasha Dunn

Terrie Ladwig

Chrissey (Marvin) Johnson

Steven Wilson

Christian Paige

Vianna Faye Williams

Johanna Langer

Unknown
Guatemala City, 1997

Robert H. Jones

Stacey Estupinian

Unknown
Los Angeles, 1991

Diane Delia

Marcela
(Sergio Arias)

Lisa Janna Black

Janice Ricks

Dianne Aubert

Deanna Wilkinson

Larry Laverne Turner

Karla (José Alexis) Barrahona

Mocha Celis

Shawn Keegan

Keooudorn Phothisane

Castro Nova Estabon

Gracie (James) Detzler

Felix Abarca

Nikki

Jerrell Williams

Venus Xtravaganza

Donald Pierce

Monique (Rufus) Thomas

Lauryn Paige

(Donald Fuller)

Carlos “Tasha” Santiago

Lazaro Comesana

Peggy Santiago

Carmen Marie Montoya

Rafael Sanchez Ayala

Jody Susan Ford

Steve Dwayne Garcia

Grayce “Candace” Baxter

Robert Eads

William Battles

Unknown
Philadelphia, 1995

Anna Francisco

Lynn Montana

Patrick Calvert

Gisele Gaga

Tarayon Corbitt

Stephan “Stephanie” Chapman

Unknown
Houston, 2/25/99

Ashley-Ann Summers
(Eric Farrow)

Cam (Camilla) Lyman

Chantal Gillade

Ernest “Ernestine” Murray

Unknown
Oakland, 7/10/95

Gordon Tuckey

Regina Haskins

David F. McLaughlin

Unknown
Bronx, 2/8/92

Donnie O. Osby

Larry Venzant

Leslie Re’Geanne

Alanna Kella

Reynaldo “Reyna” Sandoval

Unknown
Washington, D.C., 1/4/82

Rosando “Crystal” Sanchez-Reyes

Tracy Thompson

James “Tatiana” Rivers

Tara O’Hara

Ruby Bota

Philip Robert Filshie

Daniel A. Castro

“Midnight”
(Kenneth Dale Robinson)

Christiaan D’Arcy

Jacqueline Julita Anderson

David Edward Wigley

Unknown
San Antonio, 03/29/91

Unknown
Akron, 09/17/94

Emmon Bodfish
(Margaret Bodfish)

Carol Wright

Unknown
San Diego, 6/22/94

Valerie Hill

Shannon Elroy Clay

Derrick “Miss Tess” Hampton

Unknown
Miami, 1984

Barbara (William) Brodie

Jean Shelley

Boushard Fox

Toni (David) Lowry

Martine Bohn

Chiron Collins
(Allen Kenneth Byrd)

Jonathan “Tanya” Streater

Faustino “Tina” Arroyo

Diane (Anthony Ellsworth) Carter

Sherri Ransom

Tianna (Timothy) Langley

Steven Hernandez

Samantha York

Eduardo Lora Vasallio

Michelle Byrne

Juaquin Jiminez

Linda Williams

Vernon Sivills

Maurice E. Murray

Lim Yeow Chuan

Jessica (Gerardo) Castillo

Phyllis Olson

“Benderella”

Cortez Morris

Clyde Massie

Terry Wilson

Charles Albert Lizotte

Felix Benitez

Terri Williams Moore

Jane Golden
(James Boyd)

Ramon Baez

Victor Hugo Castillejos

Rita Sellers

Carla Leigh Salazar

Perry Young

Unknown
Boston, 1979

Vanessa (Barry) Lane

Rodney D. Neadeau

Ali He’shun Forney

Unknown
Santa Ana, 7/10/93

Dion Webster

Adele Bailey

Kevin Freeman

Pfc. Barry Winchell

Yancey-Lisa R.

Yamile (Jorge) Lee

Barbarella
(Joe V.)

Kareem Washington

Barretta Williams

Marvin Ball

Chareka Keys

“Tiny”
(Robert Howard Gibson)

Quona R. Clark

Tacy Raino Ranta

Lindsey Alexander
(Todd Alexander Asay)

Unknown
Dallas, 12/8/99

Toni Lee

Alina Marie Barragan

Christine Chappel

Jill Seidel

Delores Mack

Ihok
(Hugo Yonathan)

Vanesa-Lorena Ledesma
(Miguel Angel Ledesma)

Curdell James III

Michelle Lynne O’Hara

Carla Natasha Hunt

Stephanie Yazum
(Frank Yazum)

Toya Charlton

Andre Vacarro

Tyra Henderson

Amanda Milan

Julie Birchall

Unknown
New York City, 1975

Déjà (Dondre) Johnson

Astrid La Fontaine

Dayana
(Jose Luis Nieves)

Keith E. Jackson

Julia Carrizales

Beverly Lineth

Dinh Van Vo

Brandi Houston

James Jerome Mack

Ana Melisa Cortez

Billy Jean Lavette

Antonio Johnson

Francisco Javier Luna

Robert Martin

Sissy (Charles) Bolden

F.C. Martinez, Jr.

Jamie (James) Jackson

Loni Okaruru

Joanne Lillecrapp

Willie Houston

Alexandra

Unknown
Rome, 9/12/98

Carlo Enrique Teixeira

Marzia De Melo Rosa

Antonio Texera Dos Santos

Antonia K.

Terrianne Summers

Faye Urry

Bibi Barajas
(Hugo Cesar Barajas)

Marquita (Martin) Johnson

Michelle Paz

Unknown
Indonesia, 5/17/02

Gary “Brazon” McMurtry

Unknown
Japan, 2/26/02

Arlene (Hector) Diaz

Aretha “ReRe” Scott
(Franklin Freeman)

Alejandro Ray Lucero

Della Reeves
(Lester Childress)

Amy (Raymond) Soos

“Walquiria”
(aka “Walter”)

Paola Matos

Leonela Valero Parra

Chris Muzett
(Eddie Matthews)

Anjie Milano
(Andy Rafael Milano)

Nicole Lee Anderson
(Thomas Shrom)

Deasha
(Gerald Andrews)

Ukea Davis

Raymond Nonato

Stephanie Thomas

Victor Pachas

Pilar
(Vladimir)

Ibáñez Carrasco

Sidnei Geber Aguila

Daniel Phillip
“Danielle” Redding

Raimundo Rocha Alves

Nguyen Bui Linh

Ontwon Curtis

Ediviana Lopez da Cruez

Joseph Moran

Porfiro Mejia

Gwen Araujo

Roberta Nizah Morris

Georgina Matehaere

Timothy “Cinnamon” Broadus

Nikki Nicholas

Danisha Victoria Principal Williams

Chandini, aka Nazir

Mimi Young

Tanesha Starr

Luciana D. S. Oliveira Mazza

Tamyra Michaels

Shelby Tracey Tom

Ze Galhinha

Ronald Andrew Brown

Merlinka
(Vjeran Miladinovic)

Amanda Jofré

Unknown
Columbia, 03/06/03

Cinnamon (Kendrick) Perry

Nireah Johnson

Brandie Coleman

Ericka (Erick David) Yáñez

Jessica Mercado

Unknown
Brazil, 04/02

Fernanda Covarrubi

Jorge Rafael Cruz

Marcelo Cesar Goulart

Selena Álvarez-Hernández

Bella Evangelista

Emonie Kiera Spaulding

Michael Charles Hurd

“Amirilis”

Dayana Valverde

Rogelio Jiménez Cortez

Cassandra “Tula” Do

Enrico Taglialatela

“Sindy” Cuarda

Rider Orcero

Erika Johana

Lee “China” Zainal

Adrian Torres de Assuncao

Stanley Van Dyke Traylor

Unknown
New Zealand, 2/9/04

Reshae McCauley

Mickey Ward-El Smith

Precious Armani

Unknown
India, 6/7/04

Unknown
Puerto Rico, 7/11/04

Augusto Flores Munoz

Cedric Thomas

Pedro Cruz Ramos

Unknown
Puerto Rico, 7/11/04

Darryl Fearon

Gennaro Rizzo

Tony “Delicious” Green

LeandroÊBispo Estavao

Rivera Rene

Divas B

Joel Robles

Bella Martinez

Andre

Unknown
Long Beach, 11/06/04

Unknown
Peru, 11/26/04

Ryan Shey Hoskie

Penny Port

Karlien Carstens

Felicia Moreno

Alejandra Galicio

Luana

Unknown
Argentina, 1/12/05

Phool Chand Yadav

C. Hernández

Unknown
Argentina, 2/22/05

Eddie Chung Chou Lee

Timothy Blair, Jr.

Amancio “Delilah” Corrales

Ashley Nickson

Robert Binenfeld

Kasha Blue

Julio Argueta

Marisa

Ronnie Paris, Jr.

Mylène

Noleen Jansen

Irene

Lisa D.

Christina Smith

Kaaseem Adalla Juanda

Donathyn J. Rodgers

Unknown
Malaysia, 11/11/05
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Letter From Mom

For those who don't know, my mother still doesn't accept the fact that I'm a transsexual. It's been over seven years now, and she seems no closer to coming around than she did then. She still calls me by my old male name, though she knows it was changed a few years back. She refuses to even write the name in correspondence.

Below is a letter that I received late last week. I'm going to write it here, then write my reply, and type it in here too. A lot of the things she states she heard is just untrue. Someone is exaggerating. Anyway, here's her letter to me.


X (male name deleted),

Last week, Dad took Grandma back to Nebraska to see her sister and nieces. He had a good time until his cousins and aunt confronted him about your letters to them. Supposedly, you told them that we had thrown you out and disowned you. I guess you had a few especially nasty things to say about me. I really didn't think it was possible to break my heart anymore than it is. This is your decision to pursue this kind of life. Life is so hard already, and you're only making it harder on yourself. You can't deny that you're making yourself unhireable. An employer has more than enough issues with employees without taking on the burden of hiring a transvestite.

You are so positive that you're doing the right thing, but I really worry about what will become of you. We won't be around forever, and Dan and Laura are really not inclined to help support you. They have their own families and problems. You have taken their brother away, as you have taken my son away. This is your own choice, you don't ask your 93 year old grandmother to finance a sex change. Even if she could, she wouldn't do it. It goes against everything she has lived her life believing.

Please stop sending pictures and trying to force a relationship with these people. They are embarrassed and feel badly for us. I don't know how to make you see this. They are all parents and know how we must feel. All parents want their children to be happy, but your lifestyle is just really hard to get past. Each person's sexuality is a very private thing, and really should be of no interest to others. You're trying to force people into acceptance but that can't work. They don't wish you ill, but at the same time they don't want or have an interest in this. I know I can't make you see the effect you're having, because this is the life you've chosen for yourself, and you've convinced yourself it's right. But this is your own life, and these decisions are yours. You can't change how people think.

I can only hope that you can find people that feel the same way that you do, so you're not alone. You have to have something of your own to fit your life. We can't fit because this is just too much to get past. Because you are our son, it's really so very very hard. It is the heart break of our lives, because we literally don't know how you'll end up, and how you'll support yourself. I have a hard time seeing a good future, you have no job, no insurance, no prospects, no retirement, and no savings. You can't live in a bubble, you have to fit in the world as it exists and not how you want it to be. I don't know how to make you see what's right there. This is your life right now, there is no second chance. You only get to do it once, and when you look back, it's really such a short time. I don't know if I've given you anything to think about, but I'll never stop hoping that I have.

Ma

*sigh*

Dear Mom,

I was very surprised at what you told me in the beginning of your letter. I have never said you kicked me out or disowned me. You took me in for several months when Vanessa was about to sell her house, and after Nikki and the kids went into the safe house. I had no money, and you and Dad took me in and fed me, rent free. Then I chose to move to Michigan with Nikki and the kids. These people (who I don't know and have never talked to) misunderstood, or were exaggerating. The only people I've conversed with on Dad's side of the family, are Grandma, Candice (though not for many months), and Deanna (once, about a year ago). All I told them is that you don't accept or understand why I made the change that I did. I don't know Dad's cousins, and unless it's Aunt Edna, I don't know the aunt of his that you mentioned either. I'm very sorry that they upset you and Dad, but I never told anybody what they claim.

The work situation is an issue that I've been struggling with for years. Yes, there is a stigma attached to being a transsexual, and it's something I have to deal with. Like you said, I didn't make this world, and I have to deal with it and get by as best as I can. Also, I am not a transvestite. A transvestite is someone who dresses in clothing of the opposite sex, and acts in that role, and they later return to their lives and act as their born gender. They typically don't change their name or consider surgery. Transsexuals (note that I have mixed feelings on this term, as many focus on the last three syllables and see it to be a 'sexual' thing) usually take hormones, change their name, and some seek surgery.

Please believe me when I tell you that I have never asked Grandma for money for gender reassignment surgery. I did mention that I wanted it, but had no money, and that was that. Also, please realize that Grandma does accept what I'm doing and who I am. No, I don't think she is any better than you are in any way. I don't know how or why she can accept when others can't. Everyone's different, I suppose.

Yes, I'm no longer representative of any form of son or brother. I can't imagine what such a loss must feel like. I won't apologize for being who I am, but I am sorry for your pain, as well as for the rest of the family. To grieve is natural. I have changed in so many ways. My friend Chris took it hard for many years. Yet, Steve and Daria got through it after a brief adjustment period. Everyone is different, and everyone feels things differently.

As far as sexuality being a private thing, this doesn't apply here (apart from me and Nikki's relationship). This is about gender. I am living the life of a different gender than I used to. The way I feel inside never matched the way I look on the outside. I've felt this way for as far back as I can remember. I was always afraid to say so. Afraid of being ridiculed by other kids, afraid of being punished as a child for acting in a way I shouldn't. Gender is a very public thing. There are males and there are females. They are (usually) very easy to tell apart. I was not happy living in the male gender role. I always felt different inside. I went in and out of depression since high school, until my separation with Christina. It took me so long to put two and two together, and to see that transsexuals are not freakish people. They are not like Rupaul, or like that character on The Rocky Horror Picture Show. They live day to day lives, and you've probably seen some of them and never thought a thing about them. The same way that people may look my way on the street when I'm walking the kids to school, or in a store shopping, and then look away. I've always been rather slim and short, and never had rugged facial features. That really helps me now. I would really love to have a job. Things go fine until they do a background check. Someday, I'll find a more open-minded employer.

I do have insurance at this point, though it's from the state. When Nikki and I finally get married, I could be on her insurance. She's very close to having a regular teaching position, since they're going to be firing the teacher in her classroom. They want Nikki to teach the class. So she'll soon be making a lot more money. As for me, I've been writing a lot lately, and I want to see if I can get a novel published. I've also considered starting my own business, fixing computers and such.

I do have quite a few good friends here. Some are transsexual, but many aren't. I know three mothers of transsexual children. Rachel and Josie are both nine years old, and Emerson is twelve. Josie is home-schooled, since their local school has a problem with her attending class as a girl, but the other two are able to go to school. They have all been saying they're a girl (and Emerson insisting he's a boy) since they could speak. This was unheard of ten years ago, but kids like this were always around. The world is slowly changing. When I was younger, there was barely any media coverage on transsexuality. Now there are specials on The Discovery Channel, and The Learning Channel, as well as episodes of The Tyra Banks Show and others. Many people will never accept or understand, but many others do. There are many crusaders (trans or not) of the rights of transsexuals. I don't wish to be one of them, though I applaud their efforts. I merely wish to live my life as the gender I feel inside. The ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act) in Tucson prohibits employers from discriminating on the basis of gender identity. Previously, it only included race, ethnicity, religion, et al. (Though many employers can find another "reason" for firing (or not hiring) anyway.) Things change, albeit slowly.

As far as choice, I didn't choose this. Other than a choice to be happy or not, there is no choice. This is who I am inside. I can be me, or live a lie. I can live as a woman, or fight depression and anxiety for the rest of my life. Besides being without a job, I am happy. I love Nikki, I love our family, and I love my home and my friends. I'm so much more in touch with my feelings than I was before. Grandma said when she saw me a year ago, that she had never seen me talk so much or seem so happy. I am, very much so. I'm comfortable and at ease with myself. I'm living my life authentically. Like you said, there's no second chance in life. If I tried to be who everyone wants me to be, I would only live my life with regret and sadness.

I truly love you and Dad, my brother and sister, and grandparents, aunts and uncles. I can feel that so much more. And I feel so sad that so many of you cannot accept who I am. But just as I have no choice but to be who I am, you (all of you) have no choice but to feel the way you feel about it. Maybe someday, you'll see that I'm still here. I have the same interests, the same values, and the same wacky sense of humor. My gender is all that's changed. But yes, that is an awfully big change. I wish I could put an end to my family's pain, disappointment, and heartbreak. The only way for me to that would be to return to living a lie, the act that I had to play for so many years... and that would be so unhealthy for me. 'Devastating' would not even be a fitting word.

I love you, Ma. I love you all.

Love,

Amy
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Meet Rachel, a Transgender Child

I've been very privileged to meet some transgender children since moving to Arizona. Today I'll talk about one of them. Her name is Rachel and she's nine years old. Despite having short hair (I'll get to that), she looks like a girl, and acts like one. If you saw the attitude, the spunk, that this girl gives off, well you should not doubt for a second that she's indeed female. Her mother's name is Amy (Love the name! Ha!), and she's simply a fantabulous mom, not only to realize who and what Rachel is, but to allow her to be who she wants to be. In this day and age, when parents still pressure their kids to take on a certain profession, this is simply amazing.
Savannah, Rachel, and Sarah.

I got a chance to play a sort of bodyguard for Rachel twice already. The first time was when I met them at Venessia's house, mother to Josie Romero, another transgender child. There was another mother there with a FTM trans-child named Emerson. We were all swimming in a community pool (well, okay, I was the only ADULT in the pool), and Rachel was in the deep end, and too tired too swim. I dragged her over to the side, and almost went under myself in the process! My oldest daughter, Sarah, took to Rachel immediately. Savannah really likes her as well. Skylar had fun playing with Rachel's little sister, Zoey. They're less than a year apart in age.


Last weekend, me, Nikki and the kids had the pleasure of attending a party for Zoey's 5th birthday. Great fun was had by all, though there was one little episode at the playground that really hit home for me. I was playing with Skylar, who was pretending to drive her "truck" to the grocery store and McDonald's. I overheard one boy tell Rachel that she's a boy, and he was calling her by her old name. I told him to knock it off, that Rachel is a girl, and you're going to hurt her feelings. My older daughters made me so proud. They told him that Rachel was born as a boy, but she's a girl inside, and it's what's inside that counts. I wanted to cry. (By the way, though Nikki and I have taught them about transsexuals, they haven't been told that I can be counted among their number. Baby steps, baby steps...) I asked Rachel if she was okay, and to not listen to what the boy was saying. She just shrugged it off and said, "Yeah, I know." If she was upset at all, she sure wasn't letting it show. I've felt from the start that I want to protect Rachel. She may not need protecting, with such a wonderful mom, but she reminds me of myself, who I could've been at that age. I wasn't allowed to be who I wanted to be... who I desperately needed to be.

Rachel and Skylar, beautiful girls both!

I can identify with both Rachel and her mother in two very basic ways. I still wish to this day that I had a mom or dad (hey, how about both?) who were even half as understanding and accepting as Amy is. I can only imagine what it must be like to attend school as a girl, to be accepted for who I am, not some caricature that I had to invent just to survive. As far as Amy, well... I have an ex who will not let me see or talk to my daughter because she noticed certain things about me while I was transitioning to live full time as a woman.


Nikki and I were talking with Amy, and what she told me almost brought me to tears. I didn't admit to it at the time, but I was almost speechless to hear what Rachel has to deal with. She has visitation with her father every other week, for five days out of that week. This man flies into a rage if he sees the name "Rachel" on her homework, or if anyone calls her by that name. He insists on her getting her hair cut short like a boy, almost to the point of it being a buzz cut. In effect, she is in a prison when she's with her father. I feel so bad for her, and I can only imagine Amy's anger and frustration at not being able to help her child for that period of time. There is a custody case building up, and Amy's ex will be trying to discredit her by saying that she's confusing Rachel, endangering her life, and using her for some sort of revenge against him. Rachel has tried to reach out to her father again and again, but he misses the point entirely, each and every time. He says that the whole "Rachel thing" is Amy's way of "getting back at him" because of issues causing their failed marriage. His own parents have tried to explain to him that this child is female.

Skylar (what a face!), Sarah, Savannah, and Rachel.

Why is it that children can understand what adults can't? Why can my daughters understand that Rachel is a girl, but her own father can't? I'm asking these questions, but I know the answer. Prejudice and bias. At some point, we grow up and think we know everything. We make opinions and they rarely change. We try to simplify our life by thinking of everything in terms of black and white... right and wrong... male and female. A male could never be a female, and a female could never be a male. End of story, ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom. WRONG. Wake up, people! Listen to what your kids are telling you. Hell, you might actually learn something. If Amy and Venessia can do it, why can't other parents? Can you love them enough to simply listen, to reach beyond what you know and understand, and love them for who they are... not who you want them to be?

Sarah and Savannah up top, with Rachel chillin' down below.

Rachel attends school as a girl, she has crushes on boys, and hey... when she puts her hand on her hip and says, "I get to stay up until NINE o'clock," well... wake up and smell the perfume.

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Here to save the day! It's...organized religion. Oh goody. (Blast From the Past Entry)

This one is a real doozy. I have no idea how many readers will make it all the way through this. I want to apologize to those readers who are religious. I myself am agnostic (as I state below), and I felt that way for quite awhile before I realized I'm a transsexual. I'm sorry if any of this rubs people the wrong way. I do think that organized religion can blind people in a lot of ways, and maybe my friend would've been more open and accepting if he wasn't such a devout Christian. Then again, maybe his bible references were simply a way to justify the way he felt about my transition.

I have a lot more transgendered readers on this blog than I did on my old MySpace blog (where this post originally appeared). There are many of you who have heard words like Jim's at one point or another. Agnostic or not, I believe that religion should never become a means to judge or vilify others.

If you really want to get into this, there are plenty of links that Jim and I swapped back and forth. I've taken the liberty of identifying the links that don't work. I've also added a bunch of pics having to do with the religion vs. lgbt issue. This is quite long as it is, so I'll end the intro here. As always, comments are more than welcome.



Friday, June 01, 2007
------------------------

Current mood: devious

This is rather long, but I think that anyone living a life outside what the bible says, will get something out of this. This is a bunch of letters back and forth between a friend (former friend?) and I. If anybody does read the whole thing (or what the hell, even just some of it), please leave a comment. I would love to know what all of you think about this.

I'll be off the net from 2 PM today until Tuesday morning, so I'll approve any comments when I get back. I'm off to Michigan to sign the lease on an apartment, where I will be living like total blasphemous heathen scum. I'll be in NY for two more months, and then I'll be moving up there for good. Anyway, without further ado...

PS - My messages are in purple, whereas Jim's are in red. The red that stained the cross and... well, whatever.



Hey Jim,

Do you recognize me? If so, you'll be shocked shitless, I'm sure. If not, well I'll have to give you a hint. I do look a bit different in my photos. If you're not too freaked out to write back...then...write back. Ha ha!

- Amy

PS - I actually lived in East Massapequa for the month of January. Long story. I'll be moving to Michigan in about 3 months. Even longer story. I'll tell you next time I write (if I hear back from you). Until then...



Hi Amy!

Yes, I'm afraid you will have to give me a hint. I looked at your profile, and saw that you graduated Centereach High school the same year I did, so I know where you know me from. So I searched through all the photos in my high school yearbook for someone named Amy, and the only one I found was an Amy Levine, and you don't look anything like her.

Yes, please give me that hint. You have got me intrigued, now. I'm dying to know!

--Jim


Hi Jim,

Wow, you have no idea at all. Well, I'm not what you're expecting. I hope you won't be upset. From what you put on your profile, you seem to be not too tolerant of people like me. Please remember that I was always your friend.

I'm torn over whether to give you a hint, or just tell you. Okay, we played D&D together a few years back, and I had shorter hair. Most people were not calling me Amy at the time, though I was already in the process of getting to the point I'm at now. That should do it. If you're still not sure, I'll just tell you.

I'm moving to Michigan in 2 or 3 months, with my girlfriend. She's running from an abusive soon-to-be-ex-husband. She just drove up there & is in the process of getting a teaching position and an apartment for us. I'm saving up some money & getting things squared away before I go up there myself. I could tell you more, if you care to know at this point.

I apologize if I've freaked you out. This is just the real me. I hope to hear back from you.

- Amy


Hello (male name deleted)!

Yes, I know who you are now. After I sent you my reply last night, I perused your photos first. After looking at your facial features, I thought to myself "No way! It couldn't be!" Then I read your profile, and much of what I know about you was right there in your profile. Slowly but surely the realization fell upon me like an anvil from the top of the Sears Tower. And your reply confirmed it for me.

Honestly, to say that I am freaked out is the understatement of the year. In all the years I've known you, I had NO clue that you had such leanings. Even looking back, I cannot see anything that indicated that you wanted to live such a life. I never in a million years thought for one second that someone like you (Slayer fan, horror movie fan, death metal fan, etc) would ever turn this way. You were so right--I am completely shocked! (Can you blame me?)

Let me say though that I hold no hate or animosity towards you. I am in fact tolerant of people like yourself--but I also strongly disagree with such a lifestyle. What is it about being a man that you have come to despise? You are still a man, you know! And there is NOTHING wrong with being a man. It is who you are, dude!

As you can well imagine, I have quite a few questions for you, so here we go:

Did you get hit on your head with a sledgehammer? Who or what told you to stop being a man? Who or what inspired you to choose this way of living?

How long have you felt this way? Have you felt this way since high school, or was this more recent?

I have to ask this--are you pre-op, or post-op? Did you have "it" cut off? If not, are you planning on it, as well as having anything else (breast implants, estrogen shots, etc) done to you?

Does your family know about your lifestyle choice? If so, how do they feel about it?

I'm sure you don't care what your ex thinks, but what about your daughter? Have you considered how confusing this will be for her?

How long have you been living this way? When did you first become "Amy?"

Do all of your legal documents (Driver's license, Social Security Card, etc) have your new name?

Do you also have a different last name, or is it still (last name deleted)?

Is your girlfriend a woman--a REAL woman, I mean?

Since you're attracted to women (real women, I assume) anyway, why not just embrace your manhood and just be a man?

That's all I can think of right now. If I have any more questions, I'll certainly ask you. And again, I hold no hate towards you, even though I strongly disagree with what you're doing. But understand something:

1. It's going to take me awhile to get over this shock of the year.

2. You will always be (male name deleted) to me--and that is how I will always refer to you.

Please feel free to tell me more.

--Jim


Hey Jim,

From all the questions you've asked (darn, and none of them are multiple choice!), I predict this will be a long letter. (LOL)

No, I don't blame you for being shocked. In some ways, I do embrace things that are considered to be predominantly male: D&D, horror movies, death metal. But then again, plenty of females like those things as well. I had to hide my liking of anything that would be considered female. I had a hard enough time in school as it was! I fooled you and everyone else into thinking I was male in every aspect. Hey, I even fooled myself.

This may come as more of a shock to you, but I am male only in my physical aspect. My mind and soul have always been female. Estrogen was applied to my brain as a fetus, and testosterone to my body. They're supposed to match, and my mom being under a lot of stress at the time (my dad just came back from Nam), probably had to do with this birth defect. You can't change the gender in your brain, you can only alter the body to match it. Believe me, it took a long time and a lot of hardship for me to come to terms with who I really am. I only fit into the male role by copying what other males did. It was just never a part of me.

I know there's nothing wrong with being a man. There's nothing "wrong" with being either sex. I'm just female inside. And inside is where it counts. Our bodies are just shells. I got the wrong shell. Nobody and nothing told me to "stop being a man." I just eventually came to the conclusion that I'm not one. As far as "choosing this way of living," this is not a choice that I have. Well, maybe it is, if you consider it a choice to be happy. I would be miserable if I stayed the way I was. So there's not much of a choice there. Hey, I don't want to be transgendered. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! (Well, okay, mayyyybe I would, hehe)

I always felt that something was off. I wanted to do things that a young girl might, and was told no. Children don't question in the same way we do, so I was programmed what to do, and what not to do, in order for people to not have a problem with me. From high school on, I thought I was a crossdresser. It was only back in 2002, when I separated from Christina... that I finally focused on me and began to read up on transsexuals. I thought they were all like what you see on Jerry Springer or Rocky Horror. I was surprised to find that the vast majority of us live normal lives... in the role that we were always meant to be in, the role that matches the gender inside us.

I am pre-op, and yes, planning on surgery. I've never had shots (hate `em!), but I take pills of estrogen, and a testosterone blocker. I've been taking those for almost 4 years now. I have had laser hair removal on my face, and then followed up with Electrolysis. I still have some hair there, but the shadow is gone.

Men usually have a harder time than women, in understanding transgendered folk like myself. "Why would a man want to cut THAT off???" Well, just picture a girl with that there. Hey, that girl doesn't want that there, right? Don't look at it from a male perspective. I don't.

My family isn't too thrilled, and not all of them know. I do my best to get them to come around, but it's an uphill battle all the way.

Right now, there's nothing confusing about this to Brittany. Kids are very accepting at her age. I'm sure she'll have questions and concerns in a few years. Right now, the last thing she said about it was, "Okay, you're my daddy, being Amy." Then she kissed me goodnight. But I know she'll have a problem with it later. All I can do is explain it to her as best as I can, and reassure her that I'll never stop loving her, and I'll never leave her.

I came out to my friends first. I moved in with a friend back in 2004, so I was living as a woman at home and with my friends. At work or around my family, I tried to hide it. Now I've come out to my part-time job. They all got memos and they call me Amy now. They get the pronouns right about half the time. I was about to start the process with my full-time job, but now with me moving in a few months, I can't justify putting them through all the work, telling everyone and changing everything to "Amy."

I will be starting the name change process in a few weeks. I need $210 for the index number from court. I hear it takes about a month to process. Then I'll go to the DMV and get a license with the new name. They'll even change the "M" to an "F." I'm changing my last name, since my mother doesn't want it to be linked back to the family. Also, I recently found out that I do have a distant cousin named Amy, with the same last name as me.

My girlfriend is a born woman. She's Irish, German and Cherokee Indian. And beautiful! :D She's probably the only one who understands me for who I really am.

Don't get sexual preference confused with gender. All human beings have 3 separate aspects: physical sex, gender, and sexual preference. The first two almost always agree. Lucky me is one exception to that. The last is usually for the opposite sex, but not always. Observe:

Jim
---
Sex - Male
Gender - Male
Sexual Preference - Female

And then there's me:

Amy
---
Sex - Male
Gender - Female
Sexual Preference - Female

As far as how you refer to me, please respect the fact of how I wish to be addressed. If you simply can't write "Hi Amy" at the beginning of a message, for example, then just go "Hi there" or something. I understand that is how you know me and still see me. But I don't want to be addressed as (male name deleted) anymore. That's why I'm changing my name, after all. Making a mistake and forgetting is fine, but deliberately disregarding how I wish to be called is another thing entirely.

Yup, my prediction was right. This is one long-ass email. How are you doing, by the way? What's new with you? I hope you have a good night. I'm off to snooze-land now.

- Amy


Hey!

I read your message with great interest. And I want to respond to the things you said.

You say that your mind and soul has always been female. I have never seen that expressed in you in any way, shape, or form. I don't mean that you didn't talk with a lisp, or talk like a black woman, or say the word "fabulous" a lot. I have always identified your inner person as a guy. I talk to girls and I talk to guys, and your inner person did not come across as feminine in any way to me. Perhaps it was because you were putting on an act, but it didn't seem that way to me.

You say that you fit the male role by copying what other males did. Well, what guy doesn't! That's how guys learn to become guys. The same way girls learn to act like girls is by seeing what other girls did. It's how we learn to identify with our sex. Now you may have felt like you didn't measure up as a man. It's not unusual to feel that way. I've felt that way many times myself. It's kind of like Catherine Zeta Jones feeling like she is an ugly toad, even though others look at her and think she is incredibly beautiful. So I would ask you, what exactly makes you think you're not a man? You told me about estrogen going to your brain and not to your body. Do you have any medical documentation on this?

You say that you wanted to do things a young girl might want to do. Like what kind of things? When I was little, I played with my sister's dolls, and even played Barbie with her (not all the time, though--I still liked boys' toys). Yet, in spite of that, I didn't feel like less of a boy. I suppose I was curious about them. Mind you, I didn't do it anymore from age 9 onwards. That was when I discovered electronic games and Star Wars action figures--and of course Atari.

You say that you don't want to be trandgendered. Well good news--you don't have to be. More on that later.

I am aware of the difference between sexual preference and gender. I studied that sort of thing in college. I remember when I was in the city, I saw the "12 tribes guys," (the black guys who claim to be the real jews and preach hatred towards white people--they dress like Old Testament Israelis. Maybe you've seen them.) and I actually heard one of them say that whire people are all homosexual by nature. I remember thinking to myself, "Well if that's true, then I guess I'm a male lesbian." LOL!

I should also tell you that even after the surgery, you will not truly have a woman's body. Although you may have the appearance of a woman's body, it will not truly be one. All you will really have is a man's mutilated and hormonally altered body. A woman's body also consists of ovaries, a uterus, and mammary glands, and you won't be getting any of those. Your "vagina" will not function as a real one does (e.g. get wet on its own during arousal). You will not menstruate like a woman (some may call that a good thing! LOL!). You certainly won't ever get pregnant. Your breasts certainly won't be real. Think of it like a white man painting his skin black to look like a black man. He still won't have the other facial features or physical characteristics that a black man has, so he will still stand out.

Please understand that I tell you these things as a friend, not to put you down. I also want you to check out this article by a man named Sy Rogers. He also has a DVD that I would encourage you to check out. Here are the links to his article and the DVD:

Article:
http://www.lastdaysministries.org/articles/themaninthemirror.html (broken link)

DVD:
http://exodusbooks.org/Books/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=2&products_id=38

Check this out as well, just as a matter of interest:
http://www.becomingreal.org/articles/dev2.htm (redirects to another site)

I hope you will check them out, and consider them. Please read the articles, and if you can, order the DVD. I know you are an agnostic, but keep an open mind and check them out--especially the article by Sy Rogers and his DVD. He was a pre-op transgender, so I am certain you will relate to much of what he writes.

Let me know your thoughts. I'm praying for you.

--Jim


Hi Jim,

There is no need to pray for me. I am just fine. Of course you never saw me express myself in a feminine way. I never expressed myself as female in front of any men, and most women as well. I was indeed "putting on an act." I became very good at it. I had to. In fact, sometimes I found myself talking the way you do. I would use words that you do, and speak with a similar accent and intonation. It was very subtle, and I only noticed this about myself when listening to tapes of my radio show. Throughout the show, I would start to sound just a bit more like my guests (friends) that I had with me: Chris, Eric (he was from the midwest, and I started to talk with his accent without realizing it!), and Jim (it was another Jim who came to my show). After hearing the way I sounded, I became more aware of it. I tried to stop it, and I eventually did. It's hard to quit a habit that you perform subconsciously. I was copying off of males, in order to be accepted and safe.

Only those that I was extremely close with (girlfriends) saw the real me. Even then, it was hard for them to realize and understand. Because I was raised as male, I was convinced for about 30 years that I was one. It takes a long time to break out of the programming that society puts you through (though of course it isn't their fault, I looked and sounded like any male would... it was only my actions and personality that differed).

I never felt truly male. It isn't just that I'm not living up to the expectations put on males... I am not male inside. I never felt comfortable with being male. I copied things that males did, but I never felt it inside. It just wasn't me. You said: "It's how we learn to identify with our sex." I copied off of males, but I never identified. Never. I was doing what I had to, in order to avoid getting the crap beat out of me every day.

Yes, I played with dolls and hung out with the girls crowd in grade school. I can count on one hand the number of times in my life that I have peed standing up. I have no interest in cars, and the only sports I might watch are gymnastics and ice skating. I always seemed to understand and empathize with women when men just couldn't. I have always been shy and quiet, because I never felt right in a male's life. From 10 years old or earlier, I was interested in women's clothing and makeup. I had no male idols, rather females were who I chose to idolize. I could go on and on. It isn't just one of these things that are telling of my condition, but rather all of them combined. I should have been born with a female's body. In fact, perhaps I almost did.

My legs and behind have always been very feminine. I have heard this from every girl I have been with. I'm 5'5" and have a small build. I think I would have been born female, but something went wrong along the way. Somehow testosterone got thrown into the mix and my pre-birth development went awry.

I don't have any medical documentation. It is a theory that is widely supported, backed by my own beliefs and the knowledge of who and what I am. Religion is based on belief. You don't believe in God because there is documentation of God. You just know it to be true. I know myself, and I know what is true within me. I don't have to prove myself to anybody. There's no need to. I know who I am, and what I want out of life. I am much happier and much more at ease with my role in society. This is a good thing for me. People I don't know see me as female. It's hard for me to blend in as a male now (nor would I want to anyway). I do very well out there. I can be wearing just a t-shirt and jeans, and have no makeup on, and be called "ma'am" or "miss."

I used to be very apathetic towards my appearance. I never felt bad about myself, but I just didn't care. I was out of sorts all my life. Now since I have found the real me, I have lightened my birthmark and fixed a protruding incisor (I called it my "fang" and I had it since my pre-teen years). I drink 64 ounces of water a day. I take vitamins every day. I take care of my skin, hair, and health. I went back to school (this was back when we dissolved the D&D group), and set myself up with a career.

You say my breasts won't be real. I already have them, and they are real. Yes, they are shaped like any woman's breasts would be. They are b-cup size, and I don't stuff with tissues or wear padded bras. They are somewhat larger now than what you see in the photos on my Myspace profile. Not having ovaries or menstrual cycles is fine with me. I don't want any more childen, and I'm never going to complain that I don't get a period. Many women are not capable of bearing children. Many have to have their reproductive organs removed because of cancer or some other illness. They are still women. Oh, and I'm altering my body, not mutilating it. Also, there is a surgeon who has recently found a way to make the vagina "wet."

I will always be transgendered. Even if I decided to forget all this and go back to a male role in society (not happening, by the way), I would still be transgendered. Transsexualism isn't a way of life or the manifestation of the decision to live in a different gender role... it is a bonafide medical condition. And yes, that much is documented. The cause is theoretical, but the diagnosis is real.

The BSTc region of the hypothalmus is bigger for females than for males. They have performed studies of the brains of transsexuals (after death, of course). Their BSTc regions are identical to those of females. What is not known, is if their brains are always this way... or changed due to so many years of hormone therapy. It's very hard to find a transsexual who has both never been on hormones and is deceased.

I couldn't relate to the Sy Rogers article. He speaks of being molested, his mother's alchoholism and her death. I went through none of these ordeals. I was brought up in a stable, yet strict, environment. I also never had any homosexual ideations. I always had a wish to be female, from an early age. Sy Rogers didn't wish for it until dropping out of college after two semesters. I don't get the "chromosome tests" that he mentions. Of course, testing the chromosomes of a biological male would only prove that he is... biologically male.

The other article pertains to homosexuals only. While I do consider myself a homosexual (for liking women while also being a woman inside), I don't think that is in the same way you look at it. In short, I'm not attracted to men.

I thank you for the debate. It has sparked my reasoning, and I am glad to express my point of view. However, I don't need saving. I'm doing just fine the way I am. In fact, I have never been better.

- Amy :)


Hi!

Hmmmm---you give a lot of interesting retorts.

Well, I am glad that you checked out the articles I sent you. It shows that you have an open mind.

Do something else though--contact someone at the following websites, and tell them everything you told me. I'd be interested in knowing how they respond.

http://exodus.to/component/option,com_frontpage/Itemid,1/

and especially check out this one, and contact them:
http://www.realityresources.com/ (broken link)

This is a link to a book written on the subject:
http://www.realityresources.com/towardwoman.htm (broken link)

I realize that you are admanant on what you want to do. But check it out anyway, and contact the two organizations, and tell them everything you told me. See what happens. Couldn't hurt!

Oh, I forgot to ask you--how did you find my MySpace page?


Hi Jim,

Sorry, but you're more interested than I am in hearing what they would have to say. You would have to be, since I'm not interested at all. What would be my motive for contacting them? If you want to hear what they would have to say, cut and paste my messages into an email to them. You could say, "My friend wrote all this, what do you think?" If they write back, feel free to send me the response. It's just that you have the motivation to do this, and I don't.

I found your Myspace page by doing a search for your name. I had no intention of contacting you until I decided to. I don't want to think that I deliberately set out to shock or upset you by contacting you.

Anyway, enough about me. How have you been? Are you working? Going to school? I see you live in Massapequa Park. How did you end up there? I hope everything is going well for you. :)

Take care and talk to you soon...

- Amy


Hi!

I just thought maybe you might be interested in reading about those who were in your situation--especially the second link (reality resources) I sent you.

Okay, how about just checking them out? You don't have to contact them if you don't want to--but why not just peruse the info? The gentleman in Reality Resources has been where you are. He even posted pics of himself when he was a transgender. You may find the info quite intriguing.

I've lived in Massapequa Park since August 2002. I answered an ad for a studio apartment, and I got it. I'm currently working at a Dave & Buster's as a server. But I am trying to seek a better career for myself.

Anyway, take care! And as I said, at least check out the websites I sent you, and see what it's all about.

--Jim



Hi Jim,

The reality resources links do not work. Give it a try and you'll see what I mean. It looks like the page was removed. I couldn't find transgendered folk mentioned in the other website you gave me a link to, that exodus thing. If you have better links, I'll check them out.

I'm sending you a friend request. I'll understand if you don't wish to accept it. If you want, I'll add you to my preferred list for my blogs, in case you want to read them (the private ones have to do with the transgendered issue). I'm going to be posting a letter I sent out to fellow employees a few weeks ago. Yes, they call me Amy now at work, and they actually get the pronouns right half the time.

Take care and have a nice day today. :)

- Amy


Hi!

Okay, I checked it out. Apparently, the Reality Resources webpage is undergoing a facelift. So check it out now and then to see if it's up.

Meanwhile, here are a couple of more links, the second one has an interview with Jerry Leach, a former transgender. Check them out.

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=17438

In this link below, go to where it says "Transgender Confusion" for the interview with Jerry Leach. It's in two parts.

http://masteringlife.gospelcom.net/page.php?load=int (broken link)

Tell me what you think. Must get to work, now.

Jim


After this were a few messages passed back & forth between Nicky & Jim. I don't have those messages anymore, but he was saying the same thing he does in his messages above (he's praying for her too). Nicky was defending me & saying that she just sees me as a woman.



Hi Jim,

I forwarded your message on to Nicky. She wrote that message after I let her read the letters we have been sending back and forth (I hope you don't mind). Without realizing she was still on my profile, she wrote to you. I'm sorry she was a little descriptive there. She's protective of me, and often pretty blunt.

Nicky has not corrupted or manipulated me in any way, shape or form. She understands that my inner self is at odds with my physical body, and she loves me for who I am inside. She supports me 100%. She had nothing to do with my decision or the realization of who and what I am. I started hormones in July 2003, and our 6-month anniversary is tomorrow. I was in a brief relationship with another woman last fall, who also considered me as female.

You're making a whole lot of assumptions regarding Nicky (as well as me). She knows that not all men are abusive. She just isn't attracted to them. Similar to myself, it took a lot of soul-searching for her to reach that point.

One does not choose to be transgendered. It's a medical condition. If I chose to live in the same role as that of my physical sex, then I would still be transgendered. I just wouldn't be doing anything about it.

Please try to keep an open mind, and realize that I know more about transsexualism than yourself. Listen to what I say, and know that I speak with the wisdom of having gone through this personally.

Let me ask you something: What if God meant me to be transsexual? What if I was meant to go through this journey, for some purpose higher than myself? "The lord works in mysterious ways," after all.

I have yet to look over your latest links, but I will. Here are a few links of my own to give you.

Here's an article on a transsexual priest:
http://www.ekklesia.co.uk/content/news_syndication/article_050926trans.shtml

Here's an article on a transsexual vicar:
http://www.pfc.org.uk/node/720

Here's an article on the bible and what little of it could be thought to pertain to transsexuality:
http://www.drbecky.com/lynnmont.html

Here's another article:
http://www.whosoever.org/v2Issue2/starchild.html

Please read with an open mind. Try to realize that there is a lot more out there than you have experienced personally. I'll talk to you soon. :)

- Amy


Hello!

Okay, I checked out the links you sent me, as well as a couple of others that are pro-transgender.

My response to the articles on biblical references to transgender, they take the passages from the Bible, and twist it around to mean something else. For instance, a eunuch is not a transgender--he is still a man who simply lost the means to have sex with a woman--but they are still men. And the bit where it says that "there is no male or female, because Christ is in all" that only means that God does not hold men over women, or women over men.

The secular links I have checked out--even those that are pro-transgender--have stated that gender dysphoria is self diagnosed, and that there are no physical characteristics for it, and no test for the condition. I've read the theory that testosterone did not go to the brain, but that is just a theory, and one that does not make any sense. The body is a universe, and connected to one another. How is it possible for testosterone to not reach the brain, but reach everywhere else? Also, it is acknowledged that there is no physical cause for GID or gender dysphoria. So how can it be a medical condition if there is no physical evidence to attest to that?

I have a few more links for you to check out--and I hope you will:

About Gender Dysphoria:
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+gender+dysphoria.htm#causes (redirects to another page)

You asked me what if God meant for you to be transgendered. I think these links will show you that although He may be allowing you to go down that route by your own free will, it is not His will for you to live that life:

http://www.gotquestions.org/sex-change.html

http://www.bible-infonet.org/ff/editorials/homosexual/107_12_02.htm (broken link)

And especially read this:
http://www.exodusyouth.net/youth/fluid.html#TF (broken link)

I must go to bed, now. As soon as I find more info, I will send them to you. And you are welcome to send me any info you think I should read.

Praying for you,

--Jim


Hello!

I'm sorry for the late response. It took me quite awhile to get to reading all those links. What I have to say, is basically, everyone has opinions. Everyone has opinions on what the bible means, and they very often do not match. Everyone has different opinions on people like me, and they don't all agree. I have to do what I believe. I have to follow the calling of my heart and my soul.

As far as Jerry Leach (yes, I read the whole interview), here is a transsexual who has decided not to align his (I use that pronoun because that is how he sees himself) soul & mind with his body. He suppresses his need to be female in various ways. His faith is important to him. I understand that. There's nothing wrong with the way he is leading his life. It's his to live. But he is not me. His opinions and beliefs do not follow my own. That's perfectly fine in my mind that he helps others in coping with their transsexuality in ways other than transitioning to match the gender within themselves. Many will go back to their old ways. That's okay too. It's all up to the individual and what they want. Everybody is different.

As far as the link about gender dysphoria, most of what is written in there is true, and most of it pertains to me.

As far as that "What does the bible say about getting a sex change." Sigh. I wrote this...

"What if God meant me to be transsexual?"

Then you wrote:

"You asked me what if God meant for you to be transgendered. I think these links will show you that although He may be allowing you to go down that route by your own free will, it is not His will for you to live that life."

They are writing this:

"To say that a sex change is okay is to say that when God created an individual that God made a mistake."

I never said he's making a mistake. Maybe this is his will that I (and others like me) go through this ordeal. Maybe we're meant to learn from it. Who can question or determine the will of God? Well, that's what you're trying to do. You're trying to state what God wants. That's not our purpose, now is it? I am not saying that is true, I'm just wondering. So many people go about saying, "God wants this, God wills you to do that." It's not for us mortals to say.

The rest of that little editorial talks about homosexuality. They say that if you are physically male and have a sex change, then you're still male... so if you're with a man, then you're a homosexual. This doesn't pertain to me, since I'm with a woman. According to the bible, I'm still in a heterosexual relationship. LOL! It's gets better. This quote:

"A woman must not wear men's clothing, and a man must not wear women's clothing. The Lord your God detests people who do this" (Deuteronomy 22:5)."

Right after that, they have a law that you must have a railing around your roof. Who does that nowadays? And you can't have one crop growing in the same field with another crop. Huh? Besides... I'm a female inside, so therefore I must stop wearing the clothes of a male. I'm defying Deuteronomy 22:5 if I keep wearing male clothes. My soul is female. And God knows, your soul is very important.

That link for bible-infonet.com is in regards to homosexuality. According to the bible, I am male no matter what, so since I'm in a monogamous relationship with a woman... I am not homosexual. According to the bible anyway. So I skipped reading that. Next!

As far as the last link, that's his opinion, one of many out there in the world. He has a right to his own opinion. I have a right to disagree with it.

I know that for some reason, you think that all this reading and research is going to change the way I am, and what I want to do with my life. It won't. I did all the research I needed back in 2001/2002. I still do read up from time to time. But the thing is, since that point, I have never ever gotten even close to changing my mind. I know who I am. I've found myself, and that's a wonderful thing. I will be much happier and have a more fulfilled life in a few months (name change, living 24/7 as a woman and moving to Michigan). I'll be okay.

The thing with religious folks is that they often have such closed minds. The bible doesn't speak of transsexuality or sex changes. The surgery didn't exist back then, and transsexuality wasn't known or understood. There is no passage in the bible that relates to transsexuality. This is new. Throwing about God's word or what you think to be God's word isn't going to do anything as far as convincing me I'm on the wrong path. I am agnostic, after all.

- Amy


Hey!

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I had a stomach bug all week. But I'm ok now.

You seem very bent on doing this.

But to respond to what you said:

"I never said he's making a mistake. Maybe this is his will that I (and others like me) go through this ordeal. Maybe we're meant to learn from it. Who can question or determine the will of God? Well, that's what you're trying to do. You're trying to state what God wants. That's not our purpose, now is it? I am not saying that is true, I'm just wondering. So many people go about saying, "God wants this, God wills you to do that." It's not for us mortals to say."

You can determine God's will by 1) reading His Word--the Bible, and 2) having a relationship with Him. Now you're right in saying that I cannot determine what God wants for your life. But you cannot know what God wants for your life if you do not have a relationship with Him. Also, He is not the author of confusion. He would not be so cruel as to gave you a man's body and then tell you that you're a woman trapped in a man's body. Although He may be willing to have you learn from it, I do not believe for one moment that He wants you to alter your body to look like a woman's body (and I stated before, it won't truly be a woman's body). Since by your own admission you are agnostic, you cannot know God's will for your life, since you have no relationship with Him. But you can have one. If you want to know how, I will be glad to tell you.

A question for you--what happens if you have the surgery done, you've gone through with the whole thing, and you find that you're not as fulfilled as you thought you would be. You find that your life is not what you thought it would be. You realize that you made a mistake. But the surgery is irreverseable. You may deeply regret it! Have you thought about that?

One last thought--you say that religious people are often closed-minded. Are you sure you're not being closed-minded as well? Think about it.



Hey Jim,

I already am fulfilled. By moving in this direction, I have become so much more happy in my life. The normal day-to-day things hold new meaning and joy for me. The closer I get to my goal, the happier I become. People tend to think that it's "all about the surgery." It is important, but what is even more important is my role in society and life. Not many people will see what's between my legs. Changing my name and shedding the male role will be the biggest change for me. I'm already half-way there.

I do know that my body will still have some differences from that of the typical female. There's no need to keep bringing that up. I make do with what I have, and what I have is quite a lot. :)

Of course I have thought of the surgery quite often. I'm not one to blindly rush into anything. I think everything through over and over again, and then I think it through again. One has to be absolutely sure of what they are doing. And I have been for years now.

Yes, I know what I want. That's not being closed-minded. In fact, I am more open-minded than I ever have been. It's been over 5 years since I discovered the real me, and there is no doubt in my mind the path that I want to travel. I do see how others can have problems with understanding what I am doing and why. Nevertheless, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I have learned so much from what I am going through. I feel that I have really gained a great insight on gender and our roles in society. I have experienced life in both a male and a female role. Not just an isolated experience here and there, but life! Work, play, family, relationships, friends, strangers, and everyone in-between. There are so many things that I can relate to on a different level now. I have directly experienced how it is to be a man (or... just look like one, heh!) and how it is to be a woman. It's quite a profound and eye-opening experience.

American Indians have called some members of their tribe, "berdache." These people are of a "third gender." The Indians felt that these tribe members had great wisdom, and they often held important roles in their society. I'm not saying that I am a berdache, as it refers to someone with both a female and a male spirit... I have only one spirit in me, which is female. I'm just trying to show that other beliefs can have value as well. Your faith is playing a large role in keeping you from seeing the truth about me. Of course, you will never believe that. I'm sure you would have troubles even without the religion, but you are unable to see past the bible (which doesn't address transexuality anyway).

- Amy



Jim never approved my friend request. I found this whole tirade to be challenging and interesting. My responses gave me an "uplifted" feeling. Not towards Heaven, but rather a more personal nirvana, if you will. I think I did a good job making my point(s). Though after awhile it did get rather tiring. I suppose more tiring to Jim, or he just got stumped by my reply. That last message from me was sent on May 20th. Jim has yet to write back...


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