Plethora

What? Something other than a "Funny Video Friday" post? Yes, yes, it's true! Things have been going pretty quietly lately, save for the deranged wailing of a couple lunatics. They really aren't worth my time or effort, so onward with other things.

The kids' last day of school was yesterday. Within four hours of getting home from school, Sarah started saying how bored she was. Oh boy. She was crying because she missed two of her friends. She had just seen them a few hours previous. Anyway, those two will be sleeping over our house in a couple weeks. That should be interesting.

Skylar's last day was actually last week. She'll be going into kindergarten in August. Wow! When I first made Skylar's acquaintance, she was only six months old. She has grown so much, into a little person... with her little hands in everything. Skylar keep asking me if she's going to start kindergarten tomorrow, and if she's going to be in Savannah's classroom. Same school, kid. Different class.

Savannah's class had all received t-shirts that say, "I Run..." on them. There was a space below to fill out a "reason" for running. Savannah wrote: "Because I'm hyper." Pardon my bad English, but ain't that the truth! For some reason, Savannah seems to be the only one of our daughters who doesn't mind school being out.

And now for a different sort of education. The Wicca classes I mentioned way back when (see the bottom of the entry), will finally be starting in late June. They'll run for two hours a week on a weekday, for eight months. Nikki and I will both be attending. I can't wait! The reason this was delayed so much, was that the High Priest's and High Priestess' son passed away a few months ago. Naturally, everything was put on hold for awhile. I sent them my condolences, of course, however ineffectual that may have been. I can't even begin to imagine such a loss.

Nikki and I are very excited about tonight. We're going to a "girl's night out", at a local restaurant, with a few friends, and quite a few new people (soon-to-be friends, I hope!). I know it'll be a lot of fun. I'll post the whole rundown here.

We're following up on Saturday, with a party at our apartment complex, celebrating Nikki's graduation from hell! She worked at a school with some really abusive, crazy middle schoolers... and the staff was even worse. The teacher and principal harassed her at every opportunity, in an attempt to get Nikki to quit, or do something that would be grounds for terminating her employment. I first wrote about that horrible mess over here.

Therapy has been going well, and we've been discussing quite a few heavy topics. I first mentioned this new therapist here. I do feel a lot more comfortable around this guy now. Well, as comfortable as I can be around any guy anyway. He has a very dry sense of humor, which suits me just fine. It didn't show up during our first session, but wow, is it making appearances now. He's funny. He's easy to talk to, but he tends to challenge me with questions to make me think. Most of the time, I know the answer to his question, or at least part of it.  It's just that putting heavy issues like that into words when put on the spot... yeah, it's kind of hard sometimes. But then, it's supposed to be.

Tomorrow is another Funny Video Friday, and my last zombie-related vid for Zombie Month, or Zombie Awareness Month, what-have-you. The only thing is, I'm out of funny zombie videos. Any suggestions?

Thanks for reading!

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Jealousy and Insecurity. Grudges and Misinformation.

You know, I wasn't going to say anything, but this is getting ridiculous. No sooner do I get rid of one of one toxic person (my ex-girlfriend, turned friend, turned frienemy, I suppose), but now the other one is rearing it's head again. Now they're writing actual blogs about how "abusive" and "violent" I am.

I know I'm not a horrible person. I know that me and my girlfriend's relationship is not up for judging. I'm really not interested in these people's opinions, but now it's up on Blogger and Facebook, and who knows where else? Any mutual friends are bound to come across this misinformation, and perhaps buy into it. These posts are exaggerated, with facts changed, removed, or completely fabricated. What I've written in my blog the last few months is the truth. The absolute, honest truth. I wouldn't write anything here if it wasn't true. It's just not worth spreading lies all over.

I feel like I'm dealing with a bunch of kindergartners. Are they jealous? Insecure? Just plain old psychotic? Do they envy my life so much that they have to try to tear it apart?

My ex is still going on about things that happened during our relationship. This was 14 - 17 years ago. I can barely remember half the things she talks about. She's writing about me asking if I could use a coupon of hers to buy lipstick. It upset her so much in 1994 (yes, 1994!) that she writes about it now. Yes, I was in the role of her boyfriend at the time, and yes, having someone in that role be interested in lipstick can be confusing and upsetting, but hello... 17 years. Should I expect some sort of communique in the year 2050? "How dare you ask for the lipstick coupon?" By then, I'll be lucky to know my own name, much less what lipstick is, or what a coupon is.

No, I don't owe anybody anything. Sure, I am thankful for what people have done in the past for me, but I define me. I could've made it on my own, with a tiny room and all my stuff crammed into it. I'd still be me. I don't owe my life in my current gender to anyone. It was, and still is, my journey.

No, I didn't stomp off and leave my fiancee and four-year-old daughter in a bad neighborhood. Rather, my fiancee stopped following me (in a quiet neighborhood community) and decided to walk back to the car. She was the one having the "fit" at the time, and I'd forgotten all about the incident until this "friend" wrote about it the other day. We walked for a few more minutes, did what we were there to do (geocaching), and then walked back to the car. Nobody knew that Nikki wouldn't be able to find the car. I stayed by the car with Savannah, in case she came back, while my friend (who was there for all this and now writes it differently) drove off to look for her. My friend was with us, and did not go with Nikki when she turned around and walked the other way. But I am filth for not running after her. Riiiighhht...

I never told Nikki to take off work so I could go to court. The engagement ring that Nikki bought me was not even close to $2,000 like my ex claimed. Not even close to half that. We don't have that kind of money. I do not "guilt" people into doing things. I don't push buttons. Why not think that perhaps I was feeling real emotions, and not acting out fake ones? If I'm upset, I act it. I have a hard time hiding that. If I'm fine, I don't "act upset." I'm not a good actor. So if there's an upsetting conversation in a public place, I might get up and walk a few feet away to compose myself. Nobody was "abused" by my getting up and walking a few feet away.

I have not written a violent or abusive letter to my former friend, nor have I written anything like that in my blog. I mean, really, that's here for everyone to see. Yes, I am Wiccan, and yes, it is a peaceful religion. I'm a peaceful person. I'm not doing anything to harm anybody. All I'm doing is speaking the true facts on my blog, and my feelings about them. What I feel is frustration, anger, resentment, and sadness. It's okay for Wiccans to feel this. It's okay for Wiccans to express this. There is no slander involved, because everything I wrote (and continue to write) here is true. So puh-leese keep my religion out of this. Thank you.

I am in no way "innocent" or "perfect." I'll never say that I am such things. I would never want to be perfect, and only children and animals should ever be thought of as innocent.

My ex keeps trying to say I'm a bad parent because I can't afford to hire a lawyer and travel to North Carolina to appear in court. (My daughter's mother won't let me have visitation, though she was court-ordered to do so many years back.) I'm unemployed. How am I supposed to come up with that kind of money? I miss her so much. Maybe the bad parent is the one that won't let me speak to my daughter on the phone.

She also says that I think with my yet-to-be-corrected sex organ. How dense. She urges me to get GRS so that I can act more like a woman. First of all, it's an insult to say that I think or act anything like a man. Secondly, one does not "think" with their private parts. The general public won't see any difference in my behavior from pre-op to post-op. What most everybody sees is me. How many people get to see what kind of sex organ you have? Other than a lover or a doctor, usually none. What she said is at the height of closed-mindedness.

If they really believe some of these things, then reality and their recollection of things (such as it is) are at odds with each other. It's like reading The Enquirer. The facts presented have very little basis on reality. You both would like to think that what you're saying is having an effect on me, but I can see right through you.

Two grudges. One is about things that happened 14 - 17 years ago. Another is someone talking about things that happened months ago, and that Nikki and I have already worked out. Why is it that Nikki and I are over this crap, and this person holds a grudge about it? It didn't happen to her and it's not her relationship. Hello? Bueller?

Like I said, I am a peaceful person, and a loving one. However, some I just can't find love for, due to their actions. That said, I wish them no ill will, and I hope they find true happiness in life. Then perhaps they'll stop worrying so much about my life, and go about living their own.

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I Made a Vlog!

Yes, it's true! I think it may be a bit boring to watch, and unfortunately, the camera we have is not the greatest. And wow... is my voice that low? I think I could get it a bit higher. My voice tends to get lower when I feel "on the spot." When being on camera is more of a natural thing for me, I think my voice could be free to be higher... I hope.

Anyway, watch this, and then go over to my YouTube channel and subscribe, leave a comment, what-have-you. Thanks!

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Merry Meet

One of my previous posts is one regarding transsexual discrimination in a certain tradition of Wicca. I posted this on a bunch of people's Facebook walls, as well as a handful of Wiccan groups. I made a lot of new friends, and encountered such a staggering array of support in just two days. No transgender meeting I've ever been to was even half this supportive and understanding. "Something good always comes out of something bad."

I want to thank my new friends for all their love and acceptance. It really means so much to me. I hope I meet some witches that are anywhere near as nice as all of you.

Here are some of the things that these wonderful people had to say. Keep in mind that, to my knowledge, none of them are transsexual.

"I read your blog about Z and her tradition excluding you and those like you and that bothered me a lot. The use of the term "Natural Born" is now out of my vocabulary completely. After reading your blog today I found you to be an interesting, intelligent woman with a lot of heart!"

"I am somewhat new to all this and never realized there was so much prejudice in Wicca. It reminds me of my Catholic upbringing. Live your life the way you are meant to. You are loved....."

"Amy,you are a beautyful woman..BB ♥"

"Dear Amy, let me tell you how special and wise you are. within one body the blessings of the goddess has intended for you to share the duality of our divinity, not only on the physical context, but the self. your mission is so special, you are more than alive, you are two worlds in one that shares the intensity of our divinity. A divinity not everyone has the blessings to have seen, felt or expressed. this is a neopagan view, the one that can grasp freedom, love and acceptance, with awareness of a diverse and vast group of beings that in its own way are special. the modern concept of a new generation that is evolving its level of consciousness, a strong healing force, for our ever changing world. Amy you are a goddess with unique power, wisdom, and beauty. Blessings my dear sister, enjoy the new moon."

"Change the world my dearest Goddess. You have the power to do it, and people ARE listening. Don't let the negativity get you down. Focus on all the positive energy, and use that power. Blessed be."

"I've been thinking a lot about this, and I find it quite odd, because the human body is just a vessel for this life time, who has the right to say what my spirit is based on physical form, think about it does a handicapped person have a handicapped spirit? No way. The more I think about it the more I feel the goddess has done this to test peoples openess and other peoples confidence and resolve to overcome physical means."

"The Dianic trad is a female only path, but transgenders are female. It takes more than an uterus and menstruation to be a woman, just as it takes more than a penis and testes to be male...what of those that have chromosomal variances, (Turner's Syndrome) or those that are chromosomally female (46XX), but because of a relatively common enzyme deficiency, may appear to be males at birth (Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia), or other conditions that affect gender... and it is insulting when someone says "natural women" or the "they chose to be a woman". Most, through no fault of their own, were born women with male packaging!"

"I love you no matter what. Blessed Be!"

"Can I just say that MtF do NOT "choose" to be female. You really think they would CHOOSE to be in a body of the wrong gender? They would choose the discrimination? The surgery? It's like saying homosexuals choose to by gay! We are ALL conceived female, only during pregnancy does the level of hormones dictate if we stay female or go on to develop into boys. Ever wonder why guys have nipples? I understand that some want women only in their gatherings but who's to say who is & isn't a woman? Is a woman who has undergone a hysterectomy, or never had a menstrual cycle still a woman? What about hermaphrodites? Do these coven members work in the gender reassignment field of the medical world & therefore able to say who is & isn't a woman?"

"Sex and gender are different things. Without going too deep, because this is an extensive topic, SEX is determined by genes/physical appeareance. GENDER is mental, it's a role with which one identifies. Transwomen are born with male bodies but as has been said above, they are mentally, emotionally and psychologically FEMALE. They identify as women, from early childhood, and suffer a lot from having the wrong body. Depending on when they start transition, they may or may not experience some of the changes that biological women do during puberty. If Dianic Wicca wants to focus on bodily functions such as menstruation, childbirth, etc. does it mean women who have no periods or cannot have children are also excluded from it? Transwomen ARE women, not men wanting to join a Dianic coven. They should investigate more about this. It really saddens me that such ignorance still exists :("

 "Male parts. Female parts. It's all just biology. The goddess loves our spirit not what's between our legs."

"All the best Amy with your upcoming journeys - personally, I reckon the Lord and Lady have found a wonderful person in you to show true balance."

"Hi Amy, I enjoyed your blog and am glad that you stood up for yourself & all Transsexuals. I knew someone who was MtF, a really great woman. On one occasion, I overheard some women in a coven trying to decide if they should let her join in a ritual. One woman said no because "she could still feel masculine energy coming from her". What b.s.! I was very surprised that this would even be an issue, but like you said, prejudice is prevalent in all religions. Needless to say, that coven disbanded on some very ugly notes. It's very sad to encounter these attitudes, especially in Wicca. Anyway, good luck to you & Blessed be! :-)"

I feel so fortunate to have come across such wonderful people. I am very pleased and humbled by all the things they have said. Merry Meet to all my new friends!

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Transsexual Discrimination in Dianic Wicca

As I mentioned in another post, there is a problem in Wicca with prejudice against transgender folk, particularly in Dianic Wicca. Transwomen aren't allowed in many Dianic covens and officially, the tradition as whole, because they weren't born as a woman. Transmen aren't allowed because they are now men. Can anyone say "double standard?" I wonder if Z. Budapest can. In a recent post on the Pantheon blog: (http://www.patheos.com/community/paganportal/2011/03/01/transgender-issues-in-pagan-religions/), Star Foster (who is not transgender) defends transwomen, saying, "We embrace so much, shake our fists at those who would seek to limit and define us, and then presume the right to tell someone the truth of their own body/spirit/mind? I tend to accept folks at face value. I’ve known transgender women for months without realizing they were MtF, and completely accepted them as fabulous women. Because they are. It wasn’t even a case of there being a question of their “femaleness”. If anything, they were more female than I." Thank you, Star Foster! *claps*

Z. Budapest (the founder of the Dianic tradition) is quoted as not only saying that transwomen have no place in Dianic Wicca, but that "women are born, not made by men on operating tables." She also referred to us as "transies." Ooooh, you little... mumble mumble...

That is beyond insulting. For someone so involved with the feminist movement, fighting for equality and respect, how ironic (and senseless) can you get? Not only that, but Wicca is one of the most accepting religions out there. We're all just people. I don't think Z. Budapest is helping her karma any by saying the things she's saying. The threefold law is one of the only laws in Wicca, and something that all Wiccans believe, regardless of tradition. It'll bite you on the ass if you're unkind to others. Check out the link above for the entirety of what she had to say.

In order to sign up for her online courses, you're required to respond affirmatively to the following question: "Are you a born woman?" Sheesh.

From http://wicca.dianic-wicca.com. Just a bit repetitive, I'd say. I think the Goddess knows I'm female.

I left a comment on that blog:

"Thank you so much, Star, Rose, and everyone else who has written in with support for transgendered folk. I am a MTF transsexual, and what so many take for granted (and why wouldn't they?), I, and others like me, had to fight tooth and nail for. Z Budapest is very wrong here. I am not a man. I have never been a man. I was born with male parts, but it was never me. Why is this so difficult a concept to grasp? I have been with a loving woman for four years, and she says that I'm one of the most feminine women she's ever met, and that doesn't mean "forced" femininity like a crossdresser may exhibit. It comes from within. Wicca, like just any other religion, speaks to and from the soul. The body is but a shell. It's the soul that lives on. I have the soul of a woman. It resonates through every aspect of my being. And I worked damn hard to be the woman I am today. It would be nice if Budapest and others would recognize that, just like they want everyone else to realize women's sufferings and struggles. Transsexuals deserve a chance to be given the same respect that cissexual women do. Don't confuse us with crossdressers or drag queens. We are NOT men." 

Someone got bent out of shape and started thinking I was insulting crossdressers or drag queens. Is it an insult to call them men? No insult was ever intended. I have quite a few friends who are crossdressers. I just think that maybe Ms. Budapest is a bit confused. She said, "You can tell these are men." I know a lot of transwomen who, if they stood right in front of her, would look like any other woman to this lady. The worst thing is, Z. Budapest has quite a lot of influence in the Dianic circle. She founded the whole tradition, after all. A lot of women look up to her and admire her. So for many, her views are their views. Sigh. I'm sure there are at least a few Dianic covens with transwomen among their number. As a matter of fact, I do know at least one who is in such a coven, and one who started their own coven. Impressive. If Budapest would only listen, I think she could learn quite a lot from people like us. If only...

A big thanks goes out to Sally Sapphire for cluing me in to that post on the Pantheon blog! I really appreciate that, Sally.  :)

On a more positive note, the Intro to Wicca classes are starting next month! You can bet I'll be there! Nikki may be attending these classes with me also. She does have a traditional Christian upbringing, but she has believed in Mother and Father God for quite awhile, and she also believes in reincarnation to learn life's lessons. These are core beliefs of Wicca.

Here's an outline of the classes:

WICCA - AN INTRODUCTION

This is a general outline of the topics that will be covered in class.  As desired by the instructors and students, we may deviate from this list slightly in order to fully cover the subject.  We will also support the classes with handouts, slides, guest speakers, displays, props, etc. Each week will have a different set of handouts, different display and different slides, all of which are relevant to that week’s topic.  If you are under the age of consent, please show this to your parents and get their written permission to continue to attend.

WEEK I         Introduction of class and instructors.  Who we are and why we are here.

           General overview of the material and what Witchcraft is and is not.

                       Ethics and Morals and karma and Fate

                                    Polarity and Balance

                                    The Three-Fold Law

                       The Wiccan Worldview

WEEK II       Reincarnation, the ultimate in recycling. 

           The Gods of Wicca  (slide show)

                                    The Horned God

                                    The Mother Goddess

                       Creation Myths and Witchcraft's relations with women

WEEK III       Cycles

                        Wheel of the year 

                                    The Calendar.

                        Tools and Temples  (slides and displays to touch)

           

WEEK IV      Rituals:

                       Esbats and Sabbats.

                                    What happens at a Ritual and why. (slide Show, note: contains some nudity)

                       Magick and Divination; the physics, math and psychology of magick. (displays and fun and games)

WEEK V        History/Herstory:

                        Part I, The ancient world.  34,000 bce to classical times. (slides)

                        Part II, Classical times through the Burning Times. (slides & displays, note: graphic

                                    violence)

                        Part III, The Twentieth Century.  The modern Revival.

                       

WEEK VI       Civil rights and Witchcraft 

                        Animal Rights

                        Festivals and Networks. 

WEEK VII      Possession, ghosts, etc.

            Humor

                        Music

                        Cyber-Wicca, Technology and Witchcraft

WEEK VIII    Different Traditions of Wicca and people important to modern Wicca.

                        The Coven Witch vs the Solitary Witch.

                        Traditional vs Eclectic Wicca.

                        How one becomes a Witch.

                        Advancement, Degrees and the clergy of Wicca.

Misc topics as time and interest allow: spiritual growth, the Law, the military Witch, ghosts, Salem, time, cycles, stone circles and other temples of Wicca, auras, meditation, the media, the black mass (why it doesn't exist in Wicca), vocabulary, stereotypes and whatever you want to cover.

I am so looking forward to these classes! I can't wait...

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Cornucopia

This is a bit later than I mentioned in my last post, and there's no one topic for this entry, so let's dive right in!

I went to a therapy evaluation last Wednesday. The woman I saw thought that I should start on a small dose of Wellbutrin. After seeing almost every one of my significant others struggle with the side-effects of  psychiatric meds, I decided to hold off on that for now. Consider me "undecided." Most of my emotional problems are due to Nikki and I having problems. I'm fine for the most part, otherwise. But get this... there is a therapist who specializes in GID (Gender Identity Disorder), less than a half hour from me! I had called about 12 therapists and psychologists last summer, but none of them took my insurance. Some of them took NO insurance. But this one does, and he works for the same psychiatric healthcare organization that has already accepted me for services. What does this mean? Well, for starters, I get a GID specialist again (haven't had one of those since 2007), who "gets" transfolk and the issues they face. Second of all, he can write letters for surgery (GRS)! All I'll need now is mucho dineros... oh yeah... that. Well, one step at a time. The only downside is the fact that he's male. I feel much more comfortable with a female therapist. It'll be some kind of awesome if he's a transman though.

Speaking of Nikki and I, we are doing a lot better than we were. We still fight about stupid things, misunderstandings and such. I hate fighting with her. I feel like it injures my soul. Valentine's Day was very nice. We made each other handmade cards and such. She made a lot more for me than I did for her, but then, she's very artistic and crafty. We're going to buy each other something nice when some money comes in.

I got the notice from the court that I don't have to appear, due to my taking that diversion class last month. I thought I would have to appear in court to show them the notice and all, but now I don't even have to do that. Bonus!

We're going to have someone build a custom enclosure for Fizban (my green iguana). We wanted it to be outside, and Nikki found somebody at work who would build it for us, but the landlady doesn't think it's allowed by the management to keep the enclosure in the back or front yard. That would mean he might have to be loose in our room, probably with shelves going diagonally up the wall. I'm not too crazy about this, but we may not have any choice. I'm hoping we can fit a big enough enclosure in our room if we can afford it.

No, that's neither me nor my iguana. I would love to have an enclosure that size though! Maybe someday...

I posted a new geocaching blog a couple days ago. You can find it here. Then if you want, click on "home" on that site, and read the rest of the posts. Maybe follow and leave a comment. It's very quiet over there. "Shhh... be vewy quiet. I'm huntin' geocaches."

On the Wicca front, I'm still waiting for the classes to start. End of March. Sigh. I'm also wondering what tradition I'm going to be joining, and who will have me. This has me maybe more worried than I should be. Here's an excerpt from a message to my good friend, Page. She's my mentor for all things Wicca, and just an overall wonderful gal. Anyway...

"I'm feeling somewhat discouraged, Page. I asked the High Priestess, who I met two weeks ago) if there would be any problem with me being in their coven due to me being a pre-op transsexual. She said that the fact that I am in-between sexes (transitioned but have not yet had surgery), would confuse the flow of energy. Garderian Wicca, which the High Priestess practices, is rather strict and structured, with a distinct male and female polarity. She also said that I could join the outer circle of the coven, but to be initiated into the inner circle is highly unlikely. They have had a transwoman as an active member, but she had to leave to relocate to a job elsewhere. She wasn't a part of the inner circle.

She was very nice, don't get me wrong, but I don't want stay a member and be never be initiated, ever. I want all the experience that I can have. And what's more, I want to belong. I thought that in Wicca, I could find a place where I belong. Gardnerians won't initiate me, and Dianic Covens want women-born-women. I had to fight and fight to get to where I am, to just be seen as female. What does almost every other female have to do, to be seen as female? Be born. They get the "my precious baby girl," the pretty dresses, and the treatment that boys their own age just don't get. I missed out on that. I missed out on grade school, middle school, high school, my 20's (party girl time!), and now I'm going to miss out on being initiated into a coven, when Wicca is supposedly the most accepting religion there is...??? I can't accept that. I don't want to just practice solitary, it's not enough. Maybe others like doing it and that's great to worship the way you truly enjoy, but I want more. I've missed out on almost EVERYTHING ELSE that's out there. I want to be included already.

The bad thing is that most covens aren't listed anywhere. I can't just email somebody about it, or look on their webpage to see their bylaws or anything. I've heard that Feri (or Faerie) Wicca accepts transfolk, and so does Reclaiming Wicca, but I can't find out if any covens following those traditions are out there. Maybe I will find a very understanding Dianic coven, there are quite a few here, but I can't find any instance of a Dianic coven with a transgender member. But then again, most covens aren't on the net at all. Sigh. I'll just have to be patient and hope for the best."

Like I said, maybe I'm making more out of this than I should. Or maybe I'm just neurotic. Or both. Here's a YouTube video for your perusal if you wish. It's someone protesting about transsexual women being discriminated against in regards to learning, or joining, the Dianic Wiccan tradition. She got on my good side, this one.  :)

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Recent Events

Things have been going much better with Nikki and I. We both have our baggage. Sometimes my baggage sets off her baggage, and then her baggage gets my baggage even more set off. This begs the question, "How can we get rid of our baggage?" After all, it's easy enough to do at an airport, without even trying!

Seriously though, I went to therapy with Nikki yesterday. We saw her normally scheduled therapist. What we basically found out near the end of the session, is that we both prefer different levels of closeness and attachment. (Pssst! I'm the one who likes to be more attached!) What happens is that I get very enmeshed with Nikki, and prefer to share every little aspect of my life with her, and vice versa. Nikki prefers more freedom, so she tends to get freaked out at times, and can somewhat forcefully define her boundaries. "I'm not telling you that." "That's none of your business." This gets my paranoia sparked, and I'm wondering what shocking thing is going on that she can't tell me. I start feeling that she isn't telling me because I'll be very upset to hear this oh-so-secret thing. So then we argue, and I spend some time feeling upset - which I'm perfectly entitled to feel, but Nikki tends to feel guilty and pressured, and sometimes she even assumes that I'm not feeling this way, that this is all an act to make her feel guilty. Certain people in her life have been manipulative and controlling in the past, so she's used to having to deal with this behavior. Sigh.. relationships can get so complicated at times.

I'm still not talking to the former friend I mentioned here, nor do I expect to any time soon, if ever. I did block this person, finally. I felt a lot better once I did. Nikki even said in therapy that this non-friend is completely wrong about me. This person has quite a bit of baggage as well, and hey, three is a crowd.

DISCLAIMER: This shouldn't be necessary in this day and age, but it seems like it is. Wicca is a very gentle religion, based on worshiping nature, in the form of a God and Goddess. Wiccans don't all wear black, can't turn into animals nor turn you into one, they have nothing in common with Satanists, and there are no sacrifices or harm to others in any way. "An' it harm none, do what thou wilt," is the Wiccan Rede that they all follow. Any deed you commit (good or bad) will return to you threefold. Many in the LGBT community have joined Wicca and other Pagan religions, as there is far less (if any) discrimination based on sexual orientation. Gender identity is still an issue with some covens (small groups of worshipers), but it is still a much more open-minded path for people like me. END DISCLAIMER.

A week ago, I had the privilege of meeting a Wiccan coven, right here in Tucson. They are called Desert Henge Coven, and I met four of the coven members at a coffee shop about eight miles from our apartment. There were two women there as well. One of the women was interested in being handfasted on April 1st, of all dates. Her fiancee is not religious at all (atheist or agnostic, I forget which), but she is Wiccan. So he's basically humoring her with the whole ceremony. He didn't want a lot of "god mentioning," and so forth. The coven was willing to work with this, but just to a certain degree. It is a form of ritual, after all, and how can one hold a ritual without mentioning the gods at all? There would be no point to the entire endeavour. By the way, the high priest did tell us that he is an ordained priest (an ordained Wiccan priest, mind you!), and he helped to make handfastings legal in Arizona. You can get be handfasted and end up legally married when all is said and done.

Anyway, they got on to talking to me after that. The "Introduction to Wicca" classes don't start until late March / early April. I thought it would be a lot sooner than that. (Waaaah!) Well, it does give me a chance to research and learn quite a bit on my own. (Right now, I'm reading Raymond Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft.) I will most likely not be joining this coven, since they are Gardnerian Wicca. This is a very popular tradition (and many claim it's the only true form of Wicca), but I'm beginning to notice some of the symbolism of the male organ, and also of heterosexual sex (the wand going into the water to symbolize the guy's thingie going into the woman's hoo-dad...). Ummm, no thanks. Anyone is welcome to take their classes, even non-Wiccans, so I figure that will be a good starting point. Then I'll see what Dianic Wicca covens there are around here. Those are female only covens. Some are lesbians, and many (if not all) are feminists to some degree. While Gardnerian worships the God and Goddess equally, Dianic Wicca focuses on the Goddess.

I'm sure I've lost a bunch of you by now. For the rest: I'm so excited about these classes! I've been agnostic all my life, and it's about time I found my way. With both therapy and religion to focus on, I'll have plenty of outlets for my energy, besides just Nikki. I think it'll be good.

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Clarity

I'm feeling a bit better today. Nikki and I had a big argument last night, but then we started to see eye to eye a bit more. We both did wrong, and we need to work on things. It's a long hard road towards trusting each other again. I'm still a bit anxious and uncertain over what the next few days (or weeks) will bring. I'll try to ride this storm out as best I can, and see where I end up when it's abated.

I contacted a mental health service to get into therapy. I've been needing it since we left Michigan (end of May). The only problem is that Nikki's therapist told her that she is the only one available, or so she thinks. I hope not. I talked to her for two or three minutes and already didn't like her style. Nikki told me that she doesn't even understand lesbian issues, so I can only imagine the kind of therapy I'd get there. My intake appointment is at a different location than where Nikki goes to therapy, so maybe I'll also have therapy at that location, which could mean, ta-da! Different therapist. I've also heard it's a bad idea for a therapist to have two separate patients who are partners. Conflict of interest and all that.

So, right now, I feel okay. When Nikki comes home later, hopefully that will continue.

I'll mention one other thing in this entry. I've been agnostic for all my life. For as far back as I can remember, I've been skeptical of the existence of God. I went to church and Sunday School from very young, until about 10 years old. My mother is not a firm believer, and my father doesn't seem to care one way or another. But for the last ten or fifteen years, I've had an interest in Wicca. I've just never done anything about it. The interest was just... there. I didn't know any friends who believed in it, and I didn't have the motivation to try to get involved in this religion. I did some reading up at one point, and learned that while there are "spells," no, it's not the kind of witchcraft like you'd see in Harry Potter or The Craft. I wouldn't have believed that anyway. Many people still think Wiccans are evil. The Threefold Law and the edict of "harm none" would definitely preclude that. The whole aspect of worshiping nature appeals to me, as well as there being a Goddess as well as a God. It just makes sense to me.

Babbling aside, there are some introductory classes that I plan on taking soon. They cost nothing, as it is wrong to charge for religion. Blessed be! So that's something to look forward to. Until then, I have more reading to do, more learning.

It's good to focus on positive things. Negative things can't be simply ignored. One should deal with them in the best way possible, whether through therapy, prayer, or talks with friends. The outward negativity can often be banished, but like a sickness, it can spread through your thoughts, and thereby your deeds. You must banish it from within as well. And that's what I'm going to do.

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