Anyway, watch this, and then go over to my YouTube channel and subscribe, leave a comment, what-have-you. Thanks!
Showing posts with label separation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label separation. Show all posts
I Made a Vlog!
Anyway, watch this, and then go over to my YouTube channel and subscribe, leave a comment, what-have-you. Thanks!
Origins Revisited (Blast From the Past Entry)
I've included a bunch of pictures of me from 1997. These are the first pictures of Amy as you all know me, and they've never before been put on the net! The quality is not really there, but hey, it was `97.
Oh yes, my name is not really "Amethyst." I decided not to go with that name, as it was a bit outlandish and porn star-sounding. It is my favorite gem though. So here we go...
This introduction is just to bring everyone up to date on my life, particularly my "adventures into femininity." The only question I have now is, where do I start? When did the first manifestation of this feminine side take place?
One could say that maybe it was around the age of eight years old. My parents were repainting our rooms, and they asked what color we would want. My brother picked blue for his room, and I picked purple. (And I got my desire, but this wouldn't go much further, as you will soon see.) Or... if that was not it, then it was definitely somewhere between ten and twelve years old, when I found some little girls' clothes in bags in the guest room closet. They were meant for my sister when she got older, handed down by a neighbor. I was pretty skinny for my age, but of course I could barely fit into these things, as they were for a five or six-year-old. I ended up ripping some of them by just trying to put them on or take them off. Now I was scared at what I had done (plus not understanding why I had tried them on in the first place, not realizing why I liked putting on all the little dresses and skirts). Not knowing what to do at this point, I put all the ripped clothes back, and I acted shocked when asked if I knew anything about it. My mother seemed to think that it could've only been a certain neighborhood kid that would do this, who used to visit me or my brother. That is, until she found a button off of one of the outfits under my bed. That darn button started all the trouble by falling off and rolling under there while I tried on the clothes. I was found out, and when asked why I had damaged the clothes (putting them on was not yet the question yet), I lied and actually made myself look like some kind of psycho kid, by saying that I had ripped the clothes out of pent-up frustration from school.
Nothing much else happened until some time in high school. At this point, my mother's things started to fit me, and I started trying on her dresses, nightgowns, pantyhose, etc...and what happened next? I was either stupid, or subconsciously wanted to be discovered and understood for liking this so much. This was not to be the case. I was discovered by my mother, laying in my bed asleep, wearing one of her nightgowns and a pair of pantyhose. I had snuck them out of my mother's room and fell into such a blissful, happy sleep while wearing them. So, my mother was very upset, stammering with anger, and asking all sorts of questions, like, "Do you want to be a woman?" "Do you want our family to find out about this?" Of course, both of my answers were no, although I was too young at that point to realize that the answer to the first question would become a "yes" in the future. The conversation, such as it was, ended with an order to stop doing this so that I wouldn't bring shame onto the family.
But I have yet to hear of anyone crossdressing and just stopping. For me, it would go away for awhile and then come back. When I was 17, I had my first real girlfriend, Sandy. Somehow I managed to tell her about my love of women's clothes and makeup. She thought it was cool, but I don't think I ever let her see me with them on, I was way too shy. But she gave me some of her clothes, and even some makeup. Maybe my mother figured out that these were Sandy's clothes, because when going up to my room with Sandy (my father used to drive me to the train station to pick her up), we saw the clothes piled on my bed. Just her way of saying, "I know about this." But just imagine, if Sandy had not known, she would've found out about my crossdressing in this manner...!
Soon after that little situation, I had gotten a job and was able to buy things for myself. Alas, it was to be a waste of money, as I would buy things, hide them, my mother would throw them out, I would buy more things and find a new hiding place (always in my room), they would be found and thrown out, rinse and repeat. I even stuffed a bunch of clothes into an unused amplifier for my neglected guitar. Anyway, after about ten months, Sandy and I broke it off. We both just started liking other people, is all.
Enter college days. Somewhere after high school, I started wearing the spandex pants and shorts that were so popular during the `80's. I would wear women's or men's, I liked them all. It was probably because they hugged my legs like pantyhose would, that I liked them so much. I have always loved tight-fitting clothes regardless. My next girlfriend was Millie, and she seemed to almost have a love/hate thing going as far as my crossdressing went. Well, she was very hot and cold with me in general also. She thought something was psychologically wrong with me for doing it, yet she was also very interested in it, and she used to go to the library to read about it. Yet I suppose because she just wanted to make me happy, she gave me one of her wigs and a few makeup items (her clothes were way too big for me). She was a hairdresser, and always wore lots of makeup. I always wanted her to make my hair up in some pretty style (it had a little length to it at this time), or to put makeup on me, but she never went for it. Anyway, she really got angry when I confessed to her that I had gone out in public wearing women's clothes, for the first time. I wore the wig that she gave me (which was kind of poofy and out of control), some makeup (I tried to use powder to cover the shadow on my face, but it didn't really work), and one of my sister's dresses, black pantyhose and high heels (she was in her mid-teens at this point, and they fit me almost perfectly). I actually went down to the college which I was attending at the time, and sat in the lobby of the Student Center. It was very exciting, yet as a few students started to stare and point in my direction, I figured that it would be best if I left. I drove around for awhile, then went home, only to panic at seeing that my brother had come home in my absence! Here I am, wearing a wig, girl's clothes and makeup, stuck outside. I had no regular clothes to change into, and he could be home all day... and then my father would come home. So I had to go inside and sneak upstairs looking all pretty. That was at least 10 years ago and my heart is pounding in my chest right now just thinking about it! Well, I was lucky enough to get up into my room unseen. I didn't go out again for quite awhile. And oh yes, Millie wanted her wig back after that.
Awhile later, Millie "disappeared" on me. She just never seemed to be home and didn't return my calls. Whenever I came by the house, I was told she wasn't home, or I was just told to leave. I found out later that she had told her parents about my crossdressing, and they had ordered her not to see me again. Very soon after that, I met Vanessa. I told her pretty quickly about my crossdressing, and at first she seemed to be okay with it. At my request, she fixed my hair and put makeup on me, and we even made love that way. This was pretty unbelievable for me, like a dream come true, but I found out that at the time it had made her really upset. She has an attraction to both men and women, so she said it confused her. So while she accepted me dressing in women's clothes, she no longer wanted me to do it around her, or to go out in public like that as well. I did shave my legs once, during the winter when they would be covered up by pants, but she didn't like that very much.
Sometime during our relationship, I got a P.O. Box and ordered some things from Frederick's of Hollywood, most notably a new wig. A nice one this time, although it was a shade or two too light for me. I took some pictures of myself in the house and out in the backyard when nobody was home. The backyard scenes are the nicest, I still love them. That natural light just gave off such a soft look. [These are the pictures featured in this blog entry.] Also, I had decided to keep my clothes in a public storage locker, since my mother kept throwing them out. I had them in there for several months, and one day, upon going to retrieve some things from there, I found the locker broken into. The lock was broken right off of the door, and all of the clothes were gone! Who would steal a bunch of women's clothing? To this day, I wonder if my mother was behind it. I went down to the police department with Vanessa to file a report, but of course they weren't going to open a case on a few hundred dollars worth of clothes.
Next up came my "dirtbag attack," as I sometimes call it. I was feeling trapped in my relationship with Vanessa. I wanted to grow my hair long, wear my tight, skimpy clothes (men's clothing, but skimpy athletic wear mostly), get my ears pierced, etc... and all of these things she greatly disapproved of. She ended up having to go into a mental hospital for a month, and during that time, I met another patient there, by the name of Christina. I got a big crush on her, and ended up leaving Vanessa for Christina. Christina was 17 (almost 18) at the time, and learning disabled. So yes, I made a pretty messed-up decision. But my just desserts come later.
When I told Christina of my crossdressing, she was very upset, and she ended up telling her sister, Donna. I was very uncomfortable about this, but Donna said it was normal and all that. Somewhere along the line, she became very hurtful to Christina (Donna had mental problems also), and I had to pick up Christina from a sleepover at her house. She basically kicked Christina out when I got there. We ended up having to call the police, because she wouldn't let us get Christina's medicine and other items from her house. She then followed me to my car, even with the policeman there, screaming that I wore girl's dresses like a sissy boy, and I was a fag, etc... all at 9:00 in the morning! So all the neighbors came out, and a good time was had by all... except the two of us.
Sometime after this, I shaved my legs again, and also my stomach and chest. I loved the smooth, silky feeling. But Christina didn't like it too much, so I didn't repeat the torso shaving again, although I did shave my legs a few more times.
Anyway, it eventually turned out that Christina was more receptive me to me getting dressed up, and somewhere around this time, I came up with the name of Jessica. Whether she really didn't mind, or was just trying to please me, I'm still not sure. The end result of either was that she agreed to come out with me when I was dressed. We went out four times. I'll briefly sum it up. We went to Burger King, and some guy thought I was a gg. He said to his friend that I was hot (Christina heard it). We went to Sears and tried on dresses together in the women's fitting room. We went to the mall, and I actually fixed my makeup right in the busy women's bathroom! We went to Taco Bell, and the man behind the counter called us "ladies." We went to the library. We went to a park, and she took lots of photos of me. I had little or no trouble with anyone until what was to be our last outing. I was in Macy's, trying on some clothes in the women's fitting room. Upon exiting the fitting room, I was greeted by security. "You can't use the women's dressing room, you must go in the men's room." Embarassed as hell, I left the store and entered the mall. Some black guy in the mall yelled out, "That's a man!" I tried to ignore all this and still have a good time, but then when walking into JC Penny's, I passed by Vanessa's brother, Greg! He did look at me, but I wasn't sure if he recognized me at all. After all this, I decided this was enough, and I ended the day as it was. (I later found out that he did recognize me, and he was upset about it.) In short, this day ruined the desire to dress up for me. Eventually, I wanted to do it again, but Christina didn't want to join me anymore, and she didn't want me going out alone either. So that was that.
Christina got pregnant over the summer of 2000, and we got married in January, 2001. Our daughter, Brittany, was born in March, and we moved into a condominium in April. I was free to dress however I wanted in the privacy of our home, but going out was still a no-no. I tried to get all that I could out of it though. I was able to go out wearing lip gloss, girl's denim "short shorts" in the summer, and black stretchy bell-bottoms in the winter. I had my night job, and Christina got a day job at a child care facility. I almost forgot to mention that in Christina, I had found someone whose clothes fit me. In fact, she gained a lot of weight during her pregancy, so her old clothes were now too small for her. So I "inherited" a bunch of nice things. So that was a big plus. But then for some reason, Christina turned into a psycho. Not coming home from work and not calling, spending no time with me at all, always out somewhere, screaming her head off at me for no reason at all... Then she wanted me to stay at my parent's house for a week. I refused, scared that I wouldn't be welcomed back to my new home again. But a week or two later, after her screaming at me and insulting me in front of my friends, and me subsequently smashing my hand through a glass panel lamp, I ended up going back to my parent's house after all. And there I stayed.
But a good thing came out of all this. Not only did I come to be in a much more stable environment (though I missed my daughter very much), but I was also free to explore my feminine side. Mind you, I have to be careful to not let my parents or siblings find out, but now I have the car to myself, and the freedom to go where I want, and when I want. Once I got my computer back online, I did some searching on the internet, looking for some salons in the city that would do a makeover on me. What did I find, but a place on Long Island, just 40 minutes away! (http://www.femmefever.com/)
The rest is history. I decided to change my "femme name" to Amethyst, Amy for short. I did this not only to signify a new beginning, but also just in case my "soon-to-be-ex-wife" decides to search the internet for my old name, since she knows the full name that I used. And that brings me up to my first entry. It was a long journey, but I feel that it's only just beginning.
Pushing the Envelope (Blast From the Past Entry)
Wow, I remember this time. This was right before I first had acrylic nails. Oh my goodness, I fell in love! Ha ha! Seriously though, for folks like me, there comes a time when dysphoria gets to be too strong, and one really doesn't want to fight it anymore. I've been reading about a few others that are going through a time similar to this (Hi, Lisa!). I was fortunate in that my environment was a relatively friendly one in which to slowly break down those barriers. I didn't come out at my workplace until April. They basically wondered what was up with me for three months, maybe more.
(The first picture is of Savannah and I, from Spring, 2007. The picture of the leather coat below looks very much like my coat. The rest of the pics are just for fun.)
Friday, January 12, 2007
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Current mood: mischievous
It's been four years. Four long years since I realized, "Hey, I'm a transsexual, and I can do something about this. I can actually live my life the way I want to." I've been patient. I started therapy in spring of 2003, and I started hormones in July of 2003. I was at a dead-end job, and I realized that the only way I could stand on my own two feet and do this, was to get into a better career. So I went to school for 10 months. 5 hours a day with a one-hour commute, and I continued working full-time on the graveyard shift. All so I could be free to look and act the way I feel inside. I wouldn't have been so determined if it wasn't for that.
Now I've been waiting for this divorce to come through. I want everything to be finalized before I do this, since Brittany's mom will probably try to take her away from me. Earlier this week, I found out that she finally signed, notarized, and mailed the papers. Her lawyer has them. Yay! Now all they have to do is send them to me to get signed and notarized. I send them back, and they forward them on to the court so they can do their thing.
In the meantime, I've really been pushing it. I've been patient for so long, but the walls of my little cage are starting to crack. I know what my life could be like once I make the change, and I want it now! I've been leaving my hair down. I usually brush it back behind my ears, but I've been just letting it fall lately. Okay, more than "letting it fall." I've actually been styling it that way. I know that may not seem like a big deal, but people have noticed. Hair makes a big difference in so many ways.
Last week, I couldn't find my winter coat after the move, so I wore my women's leather coat to work. I've had that for a year and I've never worn it to work.
I've been braver with the lipgloss. I've always worn it, but now I'm wearing more noticeable shades and just putting more on. I've been wearing my women's sneakers on "casual Friday" and I've been wearing tighter shirts that really don't hide the chest area well at all (hehe!).
Just before, Pam (one of my co-workers) wanted to know if she could ask me a personal question. She asked me if I was wearing lipstick. I told her it was gloss. Ha ha! I must have been beet red!
My nails have been peeling. They weren't that bad, but I noticed yesterday that my thumbnail had peeled all the way down into the part of the nail that's on my finger. I bumped it into something later on, and it almost cracked off! I had been planning on getting my nails done at a salon. That's something I've never done before. Nikki and I almost both got our nails done, but we didn't make it in time. On Sunday, we're going back, and I'm going to get short acrylic nails to protect my real nails. I'm going to start taking calcium pills too. The real fun part is... I'm wearing the nails to work, of course!
I am here, but not fully realized. I am alive, and I am me, but I am in silhouette. Soon, a picture will form in the silhouette. People will actually be able to see me, as I am. On my face will be a smile. The smile of self-realization. The smile of satisfaction. A smile that comes from a simple thing that so many take for granted (and why wouldn't they?): The comfort and pleasure of being able to express myself as the gender that I really am.
Update (Blast From the Past Entry)
I have no idea why I kept alluding to rap music. I actually can't stand rap, with the exception of the early 80's artists like Grandmaster Flash, UTFO, and Newcleus.
Isn't it funny how with some past loves, you can barely fathom the love you once had? With me, at least, the truly great loves I've had, number to all of three, including Nikki. Heaven forbid we ever part. I would never forget the love we had. I can honestly say that it would outweigh any former love, hands down.
I pluck hairs from my face and neck all the time now. Actually, Nikki plucks my hairs more often than I do. That doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to. I'm not sure if this comes from repeated plucking, or if it's related to hormone replacement therapy in some way. Sadly, I haven't been to a single electrolysis session since I wrote this entry.
Friday, September 29, 2006
----------------------------
Current mood: silly
I know, it's been a long, long time since I've written a real blog. Just to be safe, I'm typing this in Word ("Word, yo. Letters and shit."), because this wacky MySpace contraption keeps messing up in numerous ways. Tom from MySpace is one darned hooligan. Friggin whippersnapper.
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Anyway, I've been through quite a lot over the past two months. I have a girlfriend now (Hi, Tee!), and we've had some ups and downs. It's been more up than down (much more), and I consider myself so fortunate to have met her and won her love. I've also had some ups and downs with Vanessa, my best friend and roommate. Thankfully, things look pretty good at the moment, hence the silly blog.
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I have been hit with expenses left and right. While out in Queens last month, my car got booted. It was $125 + tax (which was about $9) to have the boot removed, and I didn't have that much, nor any credit to use. Oops! Tee and I had to walk to her apartment so that her mom could help us out with some cash. The whole thing was really bad. I would've been stuck in Queens otherwise, and I had work the next day!
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Then my car decided to start giving me trouble in quite a few ways. The brakes were going, so I needed two new rotors and a brake pad. My fuel injector also misfired, causing damage to my distributor cap and the rotor in the engine. So I needed a new fuel injector as well as those two things. My battery was leaking, so that had to be replaced. Thanks to Tee for that help. My engine was also overheating, so the hose and/or the thermostat for the radiator have to be replaced. This still has to be done, but I did buy the thermostat. This all came to almost $700, but thankfully my father was able to help me out with that.
About a week ago, I see that my cellphone bill came to $176! It turns out that my free minutes were starting at 9 PM, when I really thought they began at 7 PM. Oops again! So I got charged for 1100-something minutes. I did quite a bit of talking between 7 and 9 PM. As Grandmaster Flash said, "Now I'm broke and it's no joke…" I had to put off seeing my daughter in September, due to all of this. I hope to go see her in two weeks though.
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On the transsexual front, I have not started my real life test (aka RLT, aka "full-time"), as I previously planned. The last time I wrote about this, I was waiting for my ex's lawyer to get off his ass. Well, he did, but he messed something up. He wrote that my ex was to bring Brittany up every month, when we had agreed to alternate months (I go down one month, and she's brought up the next month). So this has to be rewritten. The lawyer needs this in written form from my ex. She hasn't done this yet. Until the divorce is final, I can't risk changing my name and other legal papers. It'll make things so much more complicated, and will bring about a higher chance of losing visitation with my daughter, than if we are already divorced and everything is finalized. I'm really upset that I can't start living my life the way I want to. This in-between crap is getting old fast.
Because of my money loss and falling behind on bills, I haven't gone to electrolysis in over a month. This has caused me a great deal of anxiety as I'm seeing more hairs grow back in. Eventually, they'll be gone forever in any case, but I haven't been able to keep up with it. The other day I was plucking hairs from my chin with a tweezer. It hurt, but it does look better to me now. I'm probably the only one who notices the hairs, at least to the extent that I do, but I hate those hairs so bad. I've had almost 60 hours of electrolysis and I still have so much more to go. Electrolysis is the most tedious part of transition for a male-to-female transsexual, hands down. And it hurts pretty bad too.
I think I've bombarded you all with enough information for awhile. As usual, I welcome all comments. I hope you are all doing well. And hey… keep in touch with a fellow psycho!
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Currently reading:
The Kinslayer Wars (Dragonlance Elven Nations, vol. 2)
By Douglas Niles
Release date: August, 1991
Isn't it funny how with some past loves, you can barely fathom the love you once had? With me, at least, the truly great loves I've had, number to all of three, including Nikki. Heaven forbid we ever part. I would never forget the love we had. I can honestly say that it would outweigh any former love, hands down.
I pluck hairs from my face and neck all the time now. Actually, Nikki plucks my hairs more often than I do. That doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to. I'm not sure if this comes from repeated plucking, or if it's related to hormone replacement therapy in some way. Sadly, I haven't been to a single electrolysis session since I wrote this entry.
Friday, September 29, 2006
----------------------------
Current mood: silly
I know, it's been a long, long time since I've written a real blog. Just to be safe, I'm typing this in Word ("Word, yo. Letters and shit."), because this wacky MySpace contraption keeps messing up in numerous ways. Tom from MySpace is one darned hooligan. Friggin whippersnapper.
Anyway, I've been through quite a lot over the past two months. I have a girlfriend now (Hi, Tee!), and we've had some ups and downs. It's been more up than down (much more), and I consider myself so fortunate to have met her and won her love. I've also had some ups and downs with Vanessa, my best friend and roommate. Thankfully, things look pretty good at the moment, hence the silly blog.
I have been hit with expenses left and right. While out in Queens last month, my car got booted. It was $125 + tax (which was about $9) to have the boot removed, and I didn't have that much, nor any credit to use. Oops! Tee and I had to walk to her apartment so that her mom could help us out with some cash. The whole thing was really bad. I would've been stuck in Queens otherwise, and I had work the next day!
Then my car decided to start giving me trouble in quite a few ways. The brakes were going, so I needed two new rotors and a brake pad. My fuel injector also misfired, causing damage to my distributor cap and the rotor in the engine. So I needed a new fuel injector as well as those two things. My battery was leaking, so that had to be replaced. Thanks to Tee for that help. My engine was also overheating, so the hose and/or the thermostat for the radiator have to be replaced. This still has to be done, but I did buy the thermostat. This all came to almost $700, but thankfully my father was able to help me out with that.
About a week ago, I see that my cellphone bill came to $176! It turns out that my free minutes were starting at 9 PM, when I really thought they began at 7 PM. Oops again! So I got charged for 1100-something minutes. I did quite a bit of talking between 7 and 9 PM. As Grandmaster Flash said, "Now I'm broke and it's no joke…" I had to put off seeing my daughter in September, due to all of this. I hope to go see her in two weeks though.
On the transsexual front, I have not started my real life test (aka RLT, aka "full-time"), as I previously planned. The last time I wrote about this, I was waiting for my ex's lawyer to get off his ass. Well, he did, but he messed something up. He wrote that my ex was to bring Brittany up every month, when we had agreed to alternate months (I go down one month, and she's brought up the next month). So this has to be rewritten. The lawyer needs this in written form from my ex. She hasn't done this yet. Until the divorce is final, I can't risk changing my name and other legal papers. It'll make things so much more complicated, and will bring about a higher chance of losing visitation with my daughter, than if we are already divorced and everything is finalized. I'm really upset that I can't start living my life the way I want to. This in-between crap is getting old fast.
Because of my money loss and falling behind on bills, I haven't gone to electrolysis in over a month. This has caused me a great deal of anxiety as I'm seeing more hairs grow back in. Eventually, they'll be gone forever in any case, but I haven't been able to keep up with it. The other day I was plucking hairs from my chin with a tweezer. It hurt, but it does look better to me now. I'm probably the only one who notices the hairs, at least to the extent that I do, but I hate those hairs so bad. I've had almost 60 hours of electrolysis and I still have so much more to go. Electrolysis is the most tedious part of transition for a male-to-female transsexual, hands down. And it hurts pretty bad too.
I think I've bombarded you all with enough information for awhile. As usual, I welcome all comments. I hope you are all doing well. And hey… keep in touch with a fellow psycho!
Currently reading:By Douglas Niles
Release date: August, 1991
Golden Oldies (Blast From the Past Entry)
I'm taking some of my early writings and including them in my blog here. These posts will be interspersed with posts of more current goings-on in my life. Since I've covered the bulk of what I wanted to get everyone up to speed with, I figured I'd start off with some entries that were previously only contained on a sheet of looseleaf paper. For whatever reason, I didn't even have a notebook to keep these entries in. I was probably hiding them from my parents. Let me set the scene for this November 2002 entry.
In July of 2002, my wife and I separated. No, it had nothing to do with me being a transsexual or anything like that. It was more along the lines of her marrying too young and wanting a social life, which included dating. In any case, she wanted me out, and after endless fighting for about six months, I bent to her will and moved back in with my parents. It was supposed to be temporary until we figured things out. She changed the locks.
We had a daughter together named Brittany. She was a year and a half old at the point of our separation. I saw her most every weekend.
The next month, I was hospitalized for a kidney stone and colitis (double trouble!). I was told that the colitis was most likely brought on by stress. No surprise, since I had gone through a rather heady depression for a month straight following the separation. I was in the hospital for four days, had a colonoscopy perfomed on me, and a stent inserted between my kidney and bladder, as the stone was blocking the passage between the two.
At this point, I had no idea what a transsexual was, much less the fact that I was one. I was familiar with crossdressers however, and tried to fit in with that crowd. It worked for awhile, until I seemed to "outgrow" them. Around January of 2003 is when the realization happened. After doing some research and talking to others, I found that most transsexuals really aren't those people that I had seen on the Jerry Springer Show. They were people like me.
I mention "duplex mode" in these posts. This is a phrase I made up to signify presenting myself with aspects of both sexes. Usually, this means I'm wearing a women's top and/or bottom, and just lipstick and blush. I had a shadow at the time, sometimes a wig and sometimes just showing my own short hair, so... ummm yeah, I'm glad I have no photos of me like this. In retrospect, I don't think I looked too good. But then, that's how I chose to express myself at the time. It's interesting to see where my thoughts and attitude were. It seems like another life to me now.
These posts span from November 27th, 2002 to March 28th, 2003. A lot happened during this time, though this first post is nothing big. I've included a few photos of me (with a wig) that were taken a month prior, by Karen of FemmeFever.
November 27th, 2002
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Today I went to the gastroenterologist in duplex mode. He had to perform a sigmoidoscopy, which is where they stick this tube all the way into your lower intestine through your rectum. (Oh yay!) I had gone to the office previously with makeup, women's clothes and even my wig on, so today I did the same. (He had commented on the fact that my hair was a lot shorter when I was staying the hospital last August. I admitted to him that it was a wig, and he didn't seem fazed.)
They puffed air into my rectum to enlarge the intestine, and I could barely feel them put that thing in. After a minute or two though, I started feeling intense pain in my abdomen. I'm a total baby, so I had yelled "owwww" quite a bit before they were done.
I was given a clean bill of health. I was starving, so I went to McDonald's on the way home. I had to finish eating really quick because suddenly, all that air wanted to come out. I ran into the men's bathroom (not the women's, since I was only in duplex mode), and I let out one of the loudest, most violent farts ever. Was I glad nobody else was in there. It was definitely not the norm for me!
In July of 2002, my wife and I separated. No, it had nothing to do with me being a transsexual or anything like that. It was more along the lines of her marrying too young and wanting a social life, which included dating. In any case, she wanted me out, and after endless fighting for about six months, I bent to her will and moved back in with my parents. It was supposed to be temporary until we figured things out. She changed the locks.
We had a daughter together named Brittany. She was a year and a half old at the point of our separation. I saw her most every weekend.
The next month, I was hospitalized for a kidney stone and colitis (double trouble!). I was told that the colitis was most likely brought on by stress. No surprise, since I had gone through a rather heady depression for a month straight following the separation. I was in the hospital for four days, had a colonoscopy perfomed on me, and a stent inserted between my kidney and bladder, as the stone was blocking the passage between the two.
At this point, I had no idea what a transsexual was, much less the fact that I was one. I was familiar with crossdressers however, and tried to fit in with that crowd. It worked for awhile, until I seemed to "outgrow" them. Around January of 2003 is when the realization happened. After doing some research and talking to others, I found that most transsexuals really aren't those people that I had seen on the Jerry Springer Show. They were people like me.
I mention "duplex mode" in these posts. This is a phrase I made up to signify presenting myself with aspects of both sexes. Usually, this means I'm wearing a women's top and/or bottom, and just lipstick and blush. I had a shadow at the time, sometimes a wig and sometimes just showing my own short hair, so... ummm yeah, I'm glad I have no photos of me like this. In retrospect, I don't think I looked too good. But then, that's how I chose to express myself at the time. It's interesting to see where my thoughts and attitude were. It seems like another life to me now.
These posts span from November 27th, 2002 to March 28th, 2003. A lot happened during this time, though this first post is nothing big. I've included a few photos of me (with a wig) that were taken a month prior, by Karen of FemmeFever.
November 27th, 2002
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Today I went to the gastroenterologist in duplex mode. He had to perform a sigmoidoscopy, which is where they stick this tube all the way into your lower intestine through your rectum. (Oh yay!) I had gone to the office previously with makeup, women's clothes and even my wig on, so today I did the same. (He had commented on the fact that my hair was a lot shorter when I was staying the hospital last August. I admitted to him that it was a wig, and he didn't seem fazed.)
They puffed air into my rectum to enlarge the intestine, and I could barely feel them put that thing in. After a minute or two though, I started feeling intense pain in my abdomen. I'm a total baby, so I had yelled "owwww" quite a bit before they were done.
I was given a clean bill of health. I was starving, so I went to McDonald's on the way home. I had to finish eating really quick because suddenly, all that air wanted to come out. I ran into the men's bathroom (not the women's, since I was only in duplex mode), and I let out one of the loudest, most violent farts ever. Was I glad nobody else was in there. It was definitely not the norm for me!
