Why Do I Pose For Pictures Like That?

Someone who must not be named (no, it isn't Voldemort) was wondering - or perhaps jumping to conclusions - why I pose for photos the way I do. (No, this isn't the other person "who must not be named" that I've written about lately! I just want to keep it anonymous.) Other people may be wondering as well, or forming their own conclusions. Hey, that's okay. We all have our opinions and our curiosities about certain things.

So let's get this all out in the open. I know why I like to do this, but I'm not exactly ultra-confident about my ability to communicate it effectively. I think that other transgendered women (transsexual or crossdresser) may be able to understand this better, but then, a lot of people who read this blog are not transgendered. So part of this lies in explaining a bit of my early life, and how it affects me today.

Please bear with me.

I have always been female inside, but I was born into a male body. I was treated as a boy, and was expected to act like a boy. End of discussion. I've done some research on the `net, and found out the following:

Both men and women speak louder to boys than girl infants; they are softer and express more "cooing" with girls

Girls are caressed and stroked more than boys.

Up to age 2, mothers tend to talk to and look at their daughters significantly more than than they do with their sons, and make more eye contact with the daughters as well. 

Mothers show a wider range of emotional response to girls than boys. When girls showed anger, mothers faces showed greater facial disapproval than when boys showed anger. May influence why girls grow up smiling more, more social, and better able to interpret emotions than boys.

Girls use more terms of endearment than boys. 

Girls who act as tomboys are accepted; boys who act like girls are severely reprimanded ("don't cry" "Don't be a sissy").

When puberty hit, it was worse. Body hair. Ugh. Facial hair. I wanted to scream! My face got harder-looking. I was just not comfortable with myself. I hated the way I looked. My role models were all women. Beautiful, sexy women. I not only desired to be with one, but even more so, I wanted to be one. "It's impossible for me to look anything like that," I thought. I was stuck looking (more or less) like I already did. I could feel the woman inside me - that I would sometimes acknowledge and sometimes deny - struggling to be seen... to be known.

Now, this is for the non-transgender (aka cisgender) women to try to imagine. Take all your memories of anything girlish, at any point in your life, and push them aside. Pretend for now that they never happened. You are treated just like a boy. You have friends who are girls, and you want their hair, their clothes, and just to be treated like they do. But no. Not for you.  And how dare you even speak of that. 

But... but...

Don't even think it! Get it out of your head right now!

Why are you so mad at me?

We are not discussing this! You are a boy. Little boys don't have girl things. They don't want to look like a girl. What's the matter with you? Do you want everyone to make fun of you? Do you?

Well... no...

Do you want the other boys to beat you up? 

No...

You won't have any friends. And the other kids' parents will look at me, and wonder what the hell I did to you, that you want girls' clothes and girls' toys. We'll be the laughing stock of the neighborhood! Do you really want to do this to your parents? We take care of you, buy you things, take you to fun places, and this is what you want to do to us???

No, ma!

Fine, then. Dinner's on the table. Come eat.

I don't think it's possible for anyone who is not transgendered, to fully understand exactly what living like this feels like. Even a fine imagination and empathic ability has it's limits. It's just hard to imagine your entire life, the totality of your life, altered in such a way, from when you were young (so young that you can't remember what it was like, yet it did have an effect on you growing up), until when you're well into adulthood. It's just too much to fathom.

Time passes...

I got a job, so I figured I might have some freedom. It's my money, and I'm eighteen. I can buy whatever I want, right? Now it was such a struggle to even begin to buy these things. Dresses, blouses, skirts... lipstick, blush, mascara. Giggles behind the register and guffaws among the clothing racks. "It's for my girlfriend!" "Sure, sure... she likes... Berry Rose lipstick, huh?" Sneaking it into the house was a chore. Hiding it was a challenge. No matter how well I hid it, it would be gone in a few days. I'd be at work or school, and my mother would ransack my room and remove whatever I had bought. She would even get my car keys and go through my car. No place was safe.

First ever picture of Amy (as you know her), taken in 1997.

Fast forward to Summer of 2003. I had finally realized what a transsexual is (hooray for the internet!), and that I am one myself. I started taking hormone medication, and the woman that was stuck inside began to materialize. Soft, feathery hair. Softer skin. Body hair almost gone. Breasts! It was like a dream come true, though I had actually been stuck in some long nightmare until that point. Now I was finally awakening.

The facial hair was a lot harder to get rid of. For those not in the know, hormone medication does not get of facial hair. Mostly, anyway. There are about a dozen hairs (perhaps less) on each cheek that did vanish with the application of an estrogen supplement and a testosterone blocker. The rest I had to get rid of with laser hair removal (about $1600), and electrolysis (about $3000 worth). This took years. Once I was partway into the electrolysis treatments, my "shadow" was gone. I have naturally dark hair, so no matter how much cover-up I slathered on, I could still see a shadow on my chin and upper lip. With it gone, what a difference! It wasn't until late 2005 that I finally became satisfied with the way I looked.

Flip the pages of time to the present day, and look at me now. Or, rather, try to look at me through my eyes. My birthmark - a port wine stain on my left shoulder, arm, and part of my chest - has been replaced by a beautiful phoenix tattoo. My hair is red, and wow, do I love having red hair! My skin is tan, thanks to the awesome Arizona sun. I really like all these changes. That, and years of hormone replacement therapy has done its job well. My breasts are even bigger (Tanner Stage 4!), my lips a bit fuller, and people often say I look younger than I really am.

This is all still relatively new for me. I can never make up for my lost childhood. I can never hang out with a bunch of teenage girls and feel I truly belong. I can never go to prom in a dress. I can never go to clubs and experience my "roaring twenties." Those days are long gone. I know, many cisgendered women never went to prom or went to some wild clubs. In my case, it was denied me. I desperately wanted to go, to have those experiences. I was taught that I was wrong to even want that.

In a sense, I'm making up for lost time. Every woman wants to look sexy. Every woman wants to like the way they look. Women are concerned with issues relating to physical attractiveness. Changes in this area can be as difficult for them as changes for men in their financial status. Women use clothes and makeup as a way of expressing themselves. I never had that, and now I do. Sometimes I feel like I'd been deprived of that for so long, that now I just can't get enough. I don't see all transwomen posing in photos the way I do (ditto for cisgendered women), but I can't seem to get enough of just being me. Everyone saw me as a boy, and then a man, for so long... that now I want to show them how beautiful I can be. Please keep in mind I'm fully aware that true beauty comes from within. I want people to see the inner goddess radiating out of me, and, just for a moment, think, "wow."

Do I want to show off?

Yes, to an extent. I think it's well deserved, and it does help my well-being. I enjoy just being me. I enjoy looking the way I do.

Do I want to attract a sexual partner?

Hell, no! I have a beautiful, smart, loving woman with me, who means the world to me. Besides, I've never been the promiscuous sort. The only relationships I've ever had, were five long-term ones, including Nikki. I was with these partners from nine months to five years in length. I've never been intimate with anyone else. For me, the love has to be there before anything goes further.

Am I insecure?

Somewhat. It's not all black-and-white. There is a part of me that's still stuck in the "Before Time (tm)." A voice that says, "You look like a man there." Or, "I can see a little teeny bit of shadow riiiight there." Or, "Who are you to think you can look like a girl? Do you want everyone to make fun of you?"

They don't. Not anymore. But my formative years are still hanging around in the rafters of my head. Every compliment I get boosts my self-esteem. Some would think that I'm self-important, or full of myself. Don't be fooled. I'm nowhere close to that. I want people to see me as beautiful. Yes, I can see it... but I wonder how many others can.

But don't feel sorry for me. This is my time for living, and I'm enjoying it while I can. I'm happy, and I want to show it.

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Dear Amy...

I write in this blog mostly for myself. It's the comments that keep me at it, though. Just knowing that people are reading this crap makes it all worthwhile. Every once in awhile, someone tells me that I've helped them in some way. I love that. I love helping people. That's definitely a bonus, and one that never fails to pleasantly surprise me. I had the opportunity to exchange a few emails with someone wanting to start transitioning. I'm presenting these messages here, in the hopes of helping others. Perhaps some are afraid to reach out. Did I give the right advice or not? You be the judge.

Hi Amy,

I have been following your blog for some time, and I thank you for giving hope to people like myself who are wanting to emulate you.

I do have a question I hope you may be able to help me with?

I wish to start the process of becoming a woman, and gender re-assignment.

I would like to start by taking the estrogen pills, what did you need to do to start the hormone pills? What did you say to the doctor? Did you doctor easily prescribe you the estrogen pills? Did you need to do anything first to be able to have the pills?

How quickly after start taking the pills did you notice your body changing? I am aware it it not reversal, is that correct? That is ok with me, I just wish to start this process.

Hope you can help
 

XXX

Hi XXX,

First of all, thank you so much for reading. I'm glad that I can be of help to people who need it. :)

In my opinion, you should first be in therapy before starting on any hormone medication, particularly one that specializes in Gender Identity Disorder. My therapist gave me a letter to give to an endocrinologist after three months. Many people see a regular doctor to get their medication, and that's what I actually do now, for insurance reasons. You would just tell your doctor that you are transsexual and wish to start on hormone replacement therapy (HRT), and here is the letter from the therapist. If your doctor won't agree to start you on the meds, you'll have to shop around for one that will.

There are many who purchase their hormone medication via the internet, and don't see a doctor at all. Many times they can't afford the doctor visits since they have no insurance. I would NOT recommend doing this at all. There are some that have to do it this way, but if you can see a doctor at all, do that by any means possible.

Your blood levels should be tested regularly, every three to six months. They look at your estrogen and testosterone levels, and also your liver enzymes. You should take at least a 81 mg aspirin a day. Estrogen tends to thicken the blood, and the aspirin will help thin it out a bit. Some doctors order blood thinning medication instead, if the patient needs more thinning than an aspirin can provide. These are all things to consider, but if your doctor knows what she or he is doing, they'll have it all handled.

Besides estrogen pills, you should also use a testosterone blocker. They work together to help your body transition into being more like a female's. I use spironolactone, but there are other blockers out there.

As far as changes, let's see if I get this all right. It's been awhile. After a week or two, I noticed my skin was softer and my hair was less greasy. I also felt much more calm, and I could feel my emotions a LOT more. The aggressive/horny state that testosterone can bring out in a person was mostly gone. After about a month, I noticed my body hair had drastically decreased (softer, grew slower, and there wasn't as much of it as before). This is when the breast growth started as well. I began to lose muscle mass, and my hips and butt gathered quite a bit of fat.

That's correct, some of these changes aren't reversible. The body hair, grease in head hair, and skin softness (or lack of) should come right back. The testosterone will reduce the emotionality, and the aggressive kind of feelings will come back. But the breast growth is not reversible (you'd have to have a breast reduction in order to get a flat chest again), and after about three months, you'll be sterile for life. If you plan on having any kids with your genetic characteristics, you would have to bank your sperm (very expensive!).

A great resource is Transsexual Road Map. They've been around for years and have lots of great information, as well as links to other good sites.

http://www.tsroadmap.com/

I hope my answers were of some help to you. Let me know if you have any other questions.

Would you mind if I made your question and my reply into a blog entry? It may be able to help others. I'd remove your name, of course. Let me know. :)

Take care,

Amy

Hi Amy,

Thank you for taking the time to send me a detailed email, I really do appreciate it, and yes of course you are welcome to include our email in your blog.

I do have couple questions, I hope I do not come across ignorant? I just wish to know what the process is for starting things to become a woman.

Q1. When I go to my doctor for the first time and tell my doctor I have a gender dis-order and want to be a woman. Forgive me if this is a silly question, but do I need to dress as a woman when I say this in order to convince her?

Q2. What happens at therapy? Again during therapy do you have to dress as a woman, in order to add some weight to your case when starting the process of wanting to be a woman?

Q3. Once I have a referral from my therapist for hormone treatment, with so many different forms of medication which one worked best for you? What was the name of the hormone medication which saw your breasts grow, and your body change into a more feminine appearance?

Q4. Once I start the medication, what are the next stages of the transition into becoming a woman? Obviously therapy is on going, but what happens next?

Thank you again for everything, you have bee so helpful to me, I admire you for what you have done, and I want to emulate your success in becoming a woman

Thanks
XXX

Hiya XXX!

I'm sorry for the delay. I was very busy yesterday and then again today. Thanks for allowing me to post our messages in my blog. I assume I can do the same for these latest messages as well? :)

First of all, the way you say, "becoming a woman." Well, I'm a stickler for saying things correctly. This may feel right for you to say it this way, but if you feel that you are a transsexual, then you already are a woman, inside, where it counts. I was born as a woman, but in the body of a male. So if I were you, I would say, "becoming physically a woman," or better yet, "aligning my body to match my gender identity." That might make a better impression on any doctor you go to see.

Don't feel bad about asking questions. Asking questions is one of the ways we learn about things. I don't think you're ignorant at all. You just have some learning to do. I would recommend reading all you can on websites like tsroadmap.com, and possibly picking up a book like "True Selves." That one in particular is great to loan out to friends and family. It explains the transsexual dilemma to others quite well.

Q1. You can dress however you want to dress. The doctor will know that you're just starting out. I dressed in female clothes at the time because I did so every chance I could. Others may not feel the need to do so.

Q2. Ditto. I went to a few group therapy sessions at my therapist's office. (It was purely optional, but I found it to be interesting and fun.) Me and someone else were dressed as female, another was dressed as a man, and another presented herself as androgynous. It's all up to you and your comfort level. The therapist should be interested in your thoughts and feelings, not your outer presentation.

Q3. I've only used estradiol (a form of estrogen), spironolactone (a testosterone blocker), and finasteride (DHT blocker, to help prevent male pattern baldness). Last year, I added provera (progesterone) to help "round out" my breasts. That really helped with that, but it gave me crazy mood swings. I stopped after about six months. I would just start with estrogen and a testosterone blocker first, and worry about the other things later on. The doctor will probably start you on a low dose and increase it over time. I've never tried different brands of medication, as far as estradiol and spironolactone, so I don't have anything to compare them to. Many transwomen use estrogen patches or injections, and I've heard that the results pass along more quickly (plus it bypasses the liver). I hate shots, and the patch wasn't covered by my insurance, so it's been pills for me, from day one to present day.

Q4. Big question here. The details are all up to you, but I think it's best to let the medication do it's job for awhile. You'll be going through a lot (mentally and physically), and it may take some time to get acclimated. In the meantime, you'll need to get rid of facial hair, since hormones will not have much of an effect there. Laser hair removal can help a lot, but the only proven method to get rid of the hair forever is electrolysis. This can be quite costly and time consuming. Once you're ready to take the next big leap (with most or all of the facial hair gone), you can come out to family, friends and coworkers; get a name change (along with changing your social security card, driver license, and passport if need be); and live as a woman full time. Then it's time to save up for GRS (gender reassignment surgery), FFS (facial feminization surgery), or whatever surgery you might need or want.

Don't just follow my advice. This is a monumental change in your life, and you need to do all the research you can. Read, read, read. Take notes. And take your time. That's the best advice I can give you. You will want to rush through all this as fast as you can, but this should take you years to accomplish. It's not all about rushing to the end. Enjoy the journey.

You're welcome, and thank you for the kind words. I view my journey as a quest towards finding myself. Most people start out life with a body and gender identity that match. Transsexuals have to fight just to be treated as the gender they are. I wish you the best of luck with your journey.

- Amy 

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Ingrown Hairs!

I have a nasty one (or ones). No, I'm not putting a photo on here. Maybe a visual aide will do.

For over two years now, I've been plucking rather than shaving. My 50-something hours of electrolysis focused mainly on my chin and upper lip. There wasn't much work done on my neck. To prevent end-of-day stubble on my neck (and some shadow as well), I've been plucking. Well, mostly it's Nikki who has been plucking them for me. She's a godsend! She's spent over an hour at a time on most days, plucking hairs from me. How lucky am I? Very!

Every once in awhile, I get an ingrown hair or two. The hair doesn't make it out of the pore, and just keeps on growing, under the skin. This results in a hard mass on my neck, like a big pimple, only harder. After Nikki finds the hair and gets rid of it, the mass gradually gets smaller and is gone after a week or two.

Now I have a really big one. It's been there for almost two weeks, right smack dab on the middle of my neck. It feels like a tumor, but the other difference is that I've gotten quite a bit of pus out of it. (I know, disgusting. Sorry.) I have a doctor appointment tomorrow, so he's going to get introduced to this thing. There's probably this long hair in there that's causing all this ruckus.

I know a lot of transwomen read my blog, and hey, some natal women pluck hairs from their neck also. Has anyone had a problem like this? What have you done about it? Is there any way to prevent these hairs from growing under the skin like this (besides stop plucking, of course)?

My advance thanks to anyone who can give me some advice on this! It's really getting under my skin. Sorry...

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Update (Blast From the Past Entry)

I have no idea why I kept alluding to rap music. I actually can't stand rap, with the exception of the early 80's artists like Grandmaster Flash, UTFO, and Newcleus.

Isn't it funny how with some past loves, you can barely fathom the love you once had? With me, at least, the truly great loves I've had, number to all of three, including Nikki. Heaven forbid we ever part. I would never forget the love we had. I can honestly say that it would outweigh any former love, hands down.

I pluck hairs from my face and neck all the time now. Actually, Nikki plucks my hairs more often than I do. That doesn't hurt nearly as much as it used to. I'm not sure if this comes from repeated plucking, or if it's related to hormone replacement therapy in some way. Sadly, I haven't been to a single electrolysis session since I wrote this entry.



Friday, September 29, 2006
----------------------------

Current mood: silly

I know, it's been a long, long time since I've written a real blog. Just to be safe, I'm typing this in Word ("Word, yo. Letters and shit."), because this wacky MySpace contraption keeps messing up in numerous ways. Tom from MySpace is one darned hooligan. Friggin whippersnapper.

Anyway, I've been through quite a lot over the past two months. I have a girlfriend now (Hi, Tee!), and we've had some ups and downs. It's been more up than down (much more), and I consider myself so fortunate to have met her and won her love. I've also had some ups and downs with Vanessa, my best friend and roommate. Thankfully, things look pretty good at the moment, hence the silly blog.

I have been hit with expenses left and right. While out in Queens last month, my car got booted. It was $125 + tax (which was about $9) to have the boot removed, and I didn't have that much, nor any credit to use. Oops! Tee and I had to walk to her apartment so that her mom could help us out with some cash. The whole thing was really bad. I would've been stuck in Queens otherwise, and I had work the next day!

Then my car decided to start giving me trouble in quite a few ways. The brakes were going, so I needed two new rotors and a brake pad. My fuel injector also misfired, causing damage to my distributor cap and the rotor in the engine. So I needed a new fuel injector as well as those two things. My battery was leaking, so that had to be replaced. Thanks to Tee for that help. My engine was also overheating, so the hose and/or the thermostat for the radiator have to be replaced. This still has to be done, but I did buy the thermostat. This all came to almost $700, but thankfully my father was able to help me out with that.

About a week ago, I see that my cellphone bill came to $176! It turns out that my free minutes were starting at 9 PM, when I really thought they began at 7 PM. Oops again! So I got charged for 1100-something minutes. I did quite a bit of talking between 7 and 9 PM. As Grandmaster Flash said, "Now I'm broke and it's no joke…" I had to put off seeing my daughter in September, due to all of this. I hope to go see her in two weeks though.

On the transsexual front, I have not started my real life test (aka RLT, aka "full-time"), as I previously planned. The last time I wrote about this, I was waiting for my ex's lawyer to get off his ass. Well, he did, but he messed something up. He wrote that my ex was to bring Brittany up every month, when we had agreed to alternate months (I go down one month, and she's brought up the next month). So this has to be rewritten. The lawyer needs this in written form from my ex. She hasn't done this yet. Until the divorce is final, I can't risk changing my name and other legal papers. It'll make things so much more complicated, and will bring about a higher chance of losing visitation with my daughter, than if we are already divorced and everything is finalized. I'm really upset that I can't start living my life the way I want to. This in-between crap is getting old fast.

Because of my money loss and falling behind on bills, I haven't gone to electrolysis in over a month. This has caused me a great deal of anxiety as I'm seeing more hairs grow back in. Eventually, they'll be gone forever in any case, but I haven't been able to keep up with it. The other day I was plucking hairs from my chin with a tweezer. It hurt, but it does look better to me now. I'm probably the only one who notices the hairs, at least to the extent that I do, but I hate those hairs so bad. I've had almost 60 hours of electrolysis and I still have so much more to go. Electrolysis is the most tedious part of transition for a male-to-female transsexual, hands down. And it hurts pretty bad too.

I think I've bombarded you all with enough information for awhile. As usual, I welcome all comments. I hope you are all doing well. And hey… keep in touch with a fellow psycho!

Currently reading:

The Kinslayer Wars (Dragonlance Elven Nations, vol. 2)
By Douglas Niles
Release date: August, 1991

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Stuff ;) (Blast From the Past Entry)

A day went by without me posting a blog entry! That hasn't happened for over a month. Well, here's another old MySpace blog, in which I finally figured out how to post an entry to a select list of people. The reason I didn't post this publicly at the time, is because I wasn't out to all my friends yet, and I was also looking for someone. I preferred to let the certain someone know all about me via a private conversation, not from them reading my blog.

A few updates here: I didn't end up having my name changed and such until June of 2007. I still haven't had SRS/GRS/what-have-you. Thailand still makes me nervous, but as it's the cheapest way to go, I think I'll have to be going there for the surgery. You'll notice that even back in 2006, I was begging for donations! My family has basically abandoned me (at least for the time being), with the exception of two cousins and a grandma. I haven't spoken to Brittany for a year and a half.

Oh, and I still laugh when reading the little story at the end!



Sunday, March 26, 2006
--------------------------

Current mood: peaceful

*** PRIVATE ENTRY ***

Welcome to my private blog! If you can read this, either MySpace screwed up (thus screwing me in the process), or you have been added to my private list of people who know a certain something about me (mainly that I'm a transsexual...although I do hate that word, for there is nothing "sexual" about it). In the private entries, I'll be chatting about anything going on in my life (or in my head) that have to do with the fact that I'm transgendered. In case you don't already know, this is not a big dark secret in my life...in fact, I'll be telling a lot of people about me soon (more on that next). But I don't feel that it's everyone's business of what I have between my legs (for the time being). I enjoy the simple act of choosing to tell who I wish. The only people that I am nervous about telling this to, are those who I am interested in. It seems no matter how casual things are, if I like her, I have trouble just saying, "I'm a transsexual." Hopefully this will improve over time.

Some general goings-on in my life for those who don't know: I have been on hormones for 2.5 years (can't ya tell?). These medicines are: Estradiol (estrogen), Spironolactone (testosterone blocker), and Proscar (DHT blocker...DHT causes baldness in men). I'm growing my hair out, and I think it looks pretty good. I've had 40 hours of electrolysis so far, with many hours to come. Yes, it hurts like a son of a bitch! I'm going to a therapist who specializes in GID (gender identity disorder). In either August or September, I'll be transitioning to live as a woman full-time. I can't wait! Not only will I be me 24/7 (free!!!), but my name will be legally changed to Amy, my license will have the "F" rather than the "M," and naturally, everyone at work will know. I don't look forward to telling my relatives or my ex. My relatives are very old-fashioned, and they may not want to see me again, but I'm hoping for the best. As for my ex, she does not understand anything, and thinks that gays and lesbians are mentally disturbed and sinners against God. She is also difficult with just about anything that has to do with me. Brittany is only five, and she views things as a lot of kids view them...simply. She tells me that I'm a girl, but naturally, my ex tells her otherwise. My ex doesn't know that I'm a transsexual, only that I like to wear women's clothes and makeup sometimes. I am pretty damn sure that my efforts to help Brittany understand that her father is really a woman, will be constantly undermined by my ex. I will try my best...but I really do not see any good solution out of this one. This will be the hardest aspect of my transition, and I wish I could spare Brittany this confusion. About two years (maybe less) down the road, I plan to have my SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery)...making my anatomy match the way that I am inside. I must live as a woman for one complete year before having this operation, but the hardest part will be coming up with the money. Unless I go to Thailand (which would scare the shit out of me), I will be paying $15,000 or more for the surgery. Can any of you spare a dime...or maybe a bunch of them? LOL!

In closing, I would like to relate a funny story. I was at my second job yesterday, and someone else at work followed my friend, Andrea, outside when she went to her car. (I told Andrea about me last month, and she was very cool about it. She's a great friend.) He asked Andrea if I was a man or a woman. I confided in her, so naturally, she said that I am a man. He said, "Well, he has boobs." "Really? I never noticed." "How can you not notice?" "I don't usually look there when I look at him. Hey, why are YOU looking there?" He just laughed. There was a pause, and then he said, "He's not turning transsexual on us, is he?" She said, "I don't know." She told me this in an email before I left work, and I was forcing back the laughter. She was a little surprised that I wasn't upset or nervous about the whole thing. I just find it so funny. I love myself and I am greatly enjoying the journey that I am on (although there have been many times that I just hate being trans!), and I am at the point where I just find such things amusing at best. My real reaction to this comes in two parts:

1) I guess people at work aren't going to be that surprised after all! and...

2) These sports bras don't hide as much as I thought they did.

My "special readers," please feel free to leave comments as you desire, or just send me a message. Once I tell someone about this, I'm very open about it, so if you have any questions, please ask! It's the best way to learn. :)

Currently reading:
Dalamar the Dark (Dragonlance Classics, Vol. 2)
By Nancy Varian Berberick
Release date: 01 January, 2000

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Hair and Poundage

I've gained about 25 pounds in the last year. This is a combination of several factors. In New York, I was drinking a lot of water a day, and was somewhat active at work, despite it being a mostly sit-down kind of job. I wasn't working out at the time. Then I moved to Michigan. My partner, Nikki, was the only one working, so I couldn't afford my medication. (Too bad I didn't know about Macomb Care Connect at the time, which is a state-funded program which pays for prescriptions and primary care doctor visits.) I was off my hormone meds for almost a year. I got a lot of my strength and energy back. I started working out four to five times a week, for 40 minutes a day.

In May of 2008, I discovered Macomb Care Connect and went back on my meds for a copay of $5 each. I lost my energy again and then starting having pain in my back. I stopped exercising. When the pain in my back went away, I was lazy and stuck in a rut of no exercise. Just the other day, I made the mistake of standing on the bathroom scale. I am now 165 pounds. Ugh. It's distributed throughout my body, so it really isn't that bad, but I wanted to lose weight, not gain it!

The good news is that I went up a cupsize. I was originally a large A cup, or maybe a small B. Now I'm firmly (pun intended) entrenched into B territory. They get in the way sometimes, and I have trouble sleeping on my stomach, and I love it. I went to have a mammogram about a month ago, because I felt a lump in my right breast. It was sore, and I was pretty worried. The clinic told me that I just have lumpy breasts. They're still pretty sensitive.

One of the negative effects I had from being off my hormones, was that some of my hair follicles were reawakened. Before my 50 or so hours of electrolysis, I went for six sessions of laser (actually, MultiLight) treatments. Now these hairs have grown back. The follicles must have been lying dormant, and the testosterone flooding through my system again rejuvenated them. Since starting the hormones again, I can say that some of them have once again gone dormant.

So I found some new personal evidence in the "hormones and facial hair" debate. What I've noticed affected by the hormones is the cheek and "sideburn area." Now back on hormones, I'd say that 1/3 of the hair in those two areas is gone. I still need a lot of work though. I wasn't done with electrolysis, and now I need more than ever! I thank God that all the hairs haven't grown back! The electrolysis seems to be pretty permanent, no matter what hormonal changes have occurred in my body.

Yesterday, I pushed Skylar in the stroller for about four miles. We went to the store to get crickets for our tree frogs, then came back home. I was exhausted, but I was glad to get the exercise, get Skylar out of the house, and give my sweetie a break from our lil' terror. My arms, shoulders and legs got nice and tan too. I would love to get back to the weight that I was at. I can only fit in 25% of my clothes at this point, and I don't have any money to buy more. I don't want my breasts to get smaller though. I really love them at this size, and they really help me to feel feminine.

I want to get a job and start on electrolysis again. I want that so badly. I'm still looking. No giving up here!

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Origin of a Transsexual Woman

First blog post ever, and I'll dive right into it with a summary of my life as far as how it relates to my transsexuality.

I started out life with a female brain and a male body. This misplaced application of hormones is mostly likely due to stress in the mothers of people like me. My mother has shown many times that she can't handle stress appropriately. I was conceived right after my father came home from Vietnam. Statistics have shown that more transsexuals are born during times of war than any other time. When else would most mothers be under stress during the same time period?

I was raised to be a man, and I was taught that acting feminine was "wrong." I don't blame my parents or anyone else for this. I looked and sounded like any other boy... but I didn't always act that way. I didn't know how a boy (or man) is supposed to act. From a very young age, I remember acting as a girl would do, and I would get yelled at by my parents, or made fun of by the other kids. So I learned: "don't do this, don't do that." I couldn't act how I felt inside. I started copying off of the other boys. I never did a very good job, so I was made fun of at every opportunity, and I just never ever fit in. What I do blame my mother for, is constantly ransacking my room to find my things and throw them out. Was that really necessary? I hid them well so as not to disturb her or anyone else in the house, but she would go through my things when I was in school and throw them out. I never had to go through the process of purging my things, because my mother would always do it for me. She even threatened to kill my little green iguana if I didn't stop. What does a lizard know about how to dress? Stupid!

In high school (and even in junior high), I had many problems. I looked pretty much like a teenage boy, only I had pretty-boy looks, was thin, and short for a guy. Plus I wore glasses until 10th grade, and had acne problems until 12th. So people always called me "nerd," "wimp," "fag," and such. I was picked on every single day. The girls (some of whom I had crushes on) would laugh and make fun of me, and the guys were worse. I had chocolate milk poured on my head, gum put in my hair, my shorts pulled down in gym in front of some girls, my locker broken into, and nasty things painted on my locker door. They used to steal my schoolbooks, personal belongings, and even the glasses off my face once (I punched that guy in the face for that, and then he threw me into a closet door and it broke). It was truly horrible. I used to have the worst stomach aches every single morning (sometimes at home before leaving, many times at school in the morning), because I feared going to school. Work and college were much easier, but there were still some snickers and comments here and there. I thought of myself as being a crossdresser until I was 32.

I began to have girlfriends finally (just four long term relationships), and I would often live vicariously through them. At one point, my mother searched my room when I was taking the train to pick Sandy up. (She was my first girlfriend when I was 17, and she lived in the next county.) My mother dumped the clothes on my bed for Sandy to see. The funny thing is, she already knew, and some of the clothes were ones she had given me. Your plan was foiled, mother!

My next girlfriend, Millie, had conflicting feelings over my "hobby." She gave me some makeup and a wig (we were not the same size in clothing), but we would have fights over my "tendency" all the time. After a year together (which was very tumultuous and unstable), she finally left me because she told her parents. They forbade her from seeing me again.

Then there was Vanessa. She wasn't comfortable with that aspect of me, and we did have many arguments over it. To her credit, she was supportive nonetheless. She wanted to kill my mother (LOL). When I finally decided to get a public storage locker (to keep my mother from throwing out my things), it was broken into. Everything inside was stolen. Who would steal a bunch of women's clothes? To this day, I wonder if my mother found a way to get into it and take my things. It was Vanessa who went down to the police station with me late at night, when I filed a report with them. Needless to say, tracking down clothes was not a priority for them (and I don't blame them for that). In the beginning of our relationship, she did do my hair and makeup. While it made me feel good, it made her uncomfortable and confused. I eventually ended our relationship badly, and a big part of that was the fact that I subconsciously wanted to look more feminine, and she was an obstacle in the direction I wanted to go in. To this day, I still regret the way I handled things. I was one mixed-up woman, and she suffered in the end due to that.

My next ex, Christina, was supportive in the beginning. She went out with me when I was dressed up. I used the name, "Jessica" at the time. We used to go to restaurants, the mall, and such. One time we went to a park and she took many pictures of me. The last time we went out in such a way, was to the mall. I got kicked out of the womens' dressing room in Macy's, and then I ran into Vanessa's brother in JC Penny's. It was a very traumatic experience for me. Shortly after that, Christina and I got married. She no longer wanted to spend time with me when I was dressed in such a manner, and she didn't want me going out alone like that either. I was house-ridden. A year and a half later, we separated (for reasons unrelated to my transsexuality, believe it or not). For the first time in my life, I didn't want to be with anyone. I had nobody, and I had no interest in finding anybody. It was always either one or the other. But for once, I focused on myself.

I found this support group of sorts on the internet, called FemmeFever. The lady who runs this group is a total sweetheart named Karen. She did a makeover on me and took some pictures. I then went to myriad of FemmeFever events for the next year and a half. I had professional photos of me taken (with a red wig... I should get some professional photos taken of how I look now), we went to Honey's (a lesbian bar/club), formal dances, and catered events. I "changed my name" to Amy at this time, because Christina knew me as Jessica. It was fitting anyway, since it was a new start for me. I found that the more I just existed as Amy, the more I didn't want to go back to leading life as a male. Many crossdressers are content to express themselves in a feminine manner, and then go back to their male lives (not that I find anything wrong with crossdressers, they're awesome people in general). I began to realize that this is the way I want to live my life... all the time. I started laser hair removal, and I went to a therapist specializing in gender dysphoria. Shortly after that, I began hormones. That was six years ago. About three years ago, I started electrolysis (laser can only take you so far). I began to care for myself and my appearance a lot more. I had a misplaced insizer removed and bridged (it looked like a fang). I had my birthmark lightened via a laser procedure. I began to take better care of my skin and hair, which were now softer and more feminine. The hormones began working quickly, softening my body and facial features, and reducing my body hair greatly. I slowly began to grow breasts (yay!). Unfortunately, I suffered some weight gain as well. I went through hell to get to where I am at this point. But now I have thick skin. That is the positive aspect of this. In my later high school years, rather than rebelling against my parents, I rebelled against my school-mates. I didn't care what anyone thought, and I gave up being upset by it. I knew that I didn't do anything to deserve being treated like that, so I knew it was them... not me. Now I really don't care what people think, which is great. I'm free. Who knows, if I was one of the cool, popular kids in high school, I might still be walking around worrying so much about what people thought of me. So I'm almost glad, actually, of what happened to me. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." And I am so much stronger now because of what I went through.

Just a note before I sign off for today. I have set up AdSense on my blog. I'm sure some of you may find that annoying or worse. I'm trying to get money together for GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery). I have no money and no job at this point. I have wanted this surgery for almost seven years now, and I'm no closer to getting it done than I was back then (besides completing the Real Life Test of living as a woman full-time for a year). Coming up with over $10,000 using AdSense is not something I think would be possible, so I humbly ask for donations to the following email address: amethystnewyork at yahoo dot com (I spelled it out to try to avoid spam). I have also just added a PayPal button to the sidebar of my blog. I would greatly appreciate any and all help. Thank you. :)

- Amy K.

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