Why Do I Pose For Pictures Like That?

Someone who must not be named (no, it isn't Voldemort) was wondering - or perhaps jumping to conclusions - why I pose for photos the way I do. (No, this isn't the other person "who must not be named" that I've written about lately! I just want to keep it anonymous.) Other people may be wondering as well, or forming their own conclusions. Hey, that's okay. We all have our opinions and our curiosities about certain things.

So let's get this all out in the open. I know why I like to do this, but I'm not exactly ultra-confident about my ability to communicate it effectively. I think that other transgendered women (transsexual or crossdresser) may be able to understand this better, but then, a lot of people who read this blog are not transgendered. So part of this lies in explaining a bit of my early life, and how it affects me today.

Please bear with me.

I have always been female inside, but I was born into a male body. I was treated as a boy, and was expected to act like a boy. End of discussion. I've done some research on the `net, and found out the following:

Both men and women speak louder to boys than girl infants; they are softer and express more "cooing" with girls

Girls are caressed and stroked more than boys.

Up to age 2, mothers tend to talk to and look at their daughters significantly more than than they do with their sons, and make more eye contact with the daughters as well. 

Mothers show a wider range of emotional response to girls than boys. When girls showed anger, mothers faces showed greater facial disapproval than when boys showed anger. May influence why girls grow up smiling more, more social, and better able to interpret emotions than boys.

Girls use more terms of endearment than boys. 

Girls who act as tomboys are accepted; boys who act like girls are severely reprimanded ("don't cry" "Don't be a sissy").

When puberty hit, it was worse. Body hair. Ugh. Facial hair. I wanted to scream! My face got harder-looking. I was just not comfortable with myself. I hated the way I looked. My role models were all women. Beautiful, sexy women. I not only desired to be with one, but even more so, I wanted to be one. "It's impossible for me to look anything like that," I thought. I was stuck looking (more or less) like I already did. I could feel the woman inside me - that I would sometimes acknowledge and sometimes deny - struggling to be seen... to be known.

Now, this is for the non-transgender (aka cisgender) women to try to imagine. Take all your memories of anything girlish, at any point in your life, and push them aside. Pretend for now that they never happened. You are treated just like a boy. You have friends who are girls, and you want their hair, their clothes, and just to be treated like they do. But no. Not for you.  And how dare you even speak of that. 

But... but...

Don't even think it! Get it out of your head right now!

Why are you so mad at me?

We are not discussing this! You are a boy. Little boys don't have girl things. They don't want to look like a girl. What's the matter with you? Do you want everyone to make fun of you? Do you?

Well... no...

Do you want the other boys to beat you up? 

No...

You won't have any friends. And the other kids' parents will look at me, and wonder what the hell I did to you, that you want girls' clothes and girls' toys. We'll be the laughing stock of the neighborhood! Do you really want to do this to your parents? We take care of you, buy you things, take you to fun places, and this is what you want to do to us???

No, ma!

Fine, then. Dinner's on the table. Come eat.

I don't think it's possible for anyone who is not transgendered, to fully understand exactly what living like this feels like. Even a fine imagination and empathic ability has it's limits. It's just hard to imagine your entire life, the totality of your life, altered in such a way, from when you were young (so young that you can't remember what it was like, yet it did have an effect on you growing up), until when you're well into adulthood. It's just too much to fathom.

Time passes...

I got a job, so I figured I might have some freedom. It's my money, and I'm eighteen. I can buy whatever I want, right? Now it was such a struggle to even begin to buy these things. Dresses, blouses, skirts... lipstick, blush, mascara. Giggles behind the register and guffaws among the clothing racks. "It's for my girlfriend!" "Sure, sure... she likes... Berry Rose lipstick, huh?" Sneaking it into the house was a chore. Hiding it was a challenge. No matter how well I hid it, it would be gone in a few days. I'd be at work or school, and my mother would ransack my room and remove whatever I had bought. She would even get my car keys and go through my car. No place was safe.

First ever picture of Amy (as you know her), taken in 1997.

Fast forward to Summer of 2003. I had finally realized what a transsexual is (hooray for the internet!), and that I am one myself. I started taking hormone medication, and the woman that was stuck inside began to materialize. Soft, feathery hair. Softer skin. Body hair almost gone. Breasts! It was like a dream come true, though I had actually been stuck in some long nightmare until that point. Now I was finally awakening.

The facial hair was a lot harder to get rid of. For those not in the know, hormone medication does not get of facial hair. Mostly, anyway. There are about a dozen hairs (perhaps less) on each cheek that did vanish with the application of an estrogen supplement and a testosterone blocker. The rest I had to get rid of with laser hair removal (about $1600), and electrolysis (about $3000 worth). This took years. Once I was partway into the electrolysis treatments, my "shadow" was gone. I have naturally dark hair, so no matter how much cover-up I slathered on, I could still see a shadow on my chin and upper lip. With it gone, what a difference! It wasn't until late 2005 that I finally became satisfied with the way I looked.

Flip the pages of time to the present day, and look at me now. Or, rather, try to look at me through my eyes. My birthmark - a port wine stain on my left shoulder, arm, and part of my chest - has been replaced by a beautiful phoenix tattoo. My hair is red, and wow, do I love having red hair! My skin is tan, thanks to the awesome Arizona sun. I really like all these changes. That, and years of hormone replacement therapy has done its job well. My breasts are even bigger (Tanner Stage 4!), my lips a bit fuller, and people often say I look younger than I really am.

This is all still relatively new for me. I can never make up for my lost childhood. I can never hang out with a bunch of teenage girls and feel I truly belong. I can never go to prom in a dress. I can never go to clubs and experience my "roaring twenties." Those days are long gone. I know, many cisgendered women never went to prom or went to some wild clubs. In my case, it was denied me. I desperately wanted to go, to have those experiences. I was taught that I was wrong to even want that.

In a sense, I'm making up for lost time. Every woman wants to look sexy. Every woman wants to like the way they look. Women are concerned with issues relating to physical attractiveness. Changes in this area can be as difficult for them as changes for men in their financial status. Women use clothes and makeup as a way of expressing themselves. I never had that, and now I do. Sometimes I feel like I'd been deprived of that for so long, that now I just can't get enough. I don't see all transwomen posing in photos the way I do (ditto for cisgendered women), but I can't seem to get enough of just being me. Everyone saw me as a boy, and then a man, for so long... that now I want to show them how beautiful I can be. Please keep in mind I'm fully aware that true beauty comes from within. I want people to see the inner goddess radiating out of me, and, just for a moment, think, "wow."

Do I want to show off?

Yes, to an extent. I think it's well deserved, and it does help my well-being. I enjoy just being me. I enjoy looking the way I do.

Do I want to attract a sexual partner?

Hell, no! I have a beautiful, smart, loving woman with me, who means the world to me. Besides, I've never been the promiscuous sort. The only relationships I've ever had, were five long-term ones, including Nikki. I was with these partners from nine months to five years in length. I've never been intimate with anyone else. For me, the love has to be there before anything goes further.

Am I insecure?

Somewhat. It's not all black-and-white. There is a part of me that's still stuck in the "Before Time (tm)." A voice that says, "You look like a man there." Or, "I can see a little teeny bit of shadow riiiight there." Or, "Who are you to think you can look like a girl? Do you want everyone to make fun of you?"

They don't. Not anymore. But my formative years are still hanging around in the rafters of my head. Every compliment I get boosts my self-esteem. Some would think that I'm self-important, or full of myself. Don't be fooled. I'm nowhere close to that. I want people to see me as beautiful. Yes, I can see it... but I wonder how many others can.

But don't feel sorry for me. This is my time for living, and I'm enjoying it while I can. I'm happy, and I want to show it.

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Dear Amy...

I write in this blog mostly for myself. It's the comments that keep me at it, though. Just knowing that people are reading this crap makes it all worthwhile. Every once in awhile, someone tells me that I've helped them in some way. I love that. I love helping people. That's definitely a bonus, and one that never fails to pleasantly surprise me. I had the opportunity to exchange a few emails with someone wanting to start transitioning. I'm presenting these messages here, in the hopes of helping others. Perhaps some are afraid to reach out. Did I give the right advice or not? You be the judge.

Hi Amy,

I have been following your blog for some time, and I thank you for giving hope to people like myself who are wanting to emulate you.

I do have a question I hope you may be able to help me with?

I wish to start the process of becoming a woman, and gender re-assignment.

I would like to start by taking the estrogen pills, what did you need to do to start the hormone pills? What did you say to the doctor? Did you doctor easily prescribe you the estrogen pills? Did you need to do anything first to be able to have the pills?

How quickly after start taking the pills did you notice your body changing? I am aware it it not reversal, is that correct? That is ok with me, I just wish to start this process.

Hope you can help
 

XXX

Hi XXX,

First of all, thank you so much for reading. I'm glad that I can be of help to people who need it. :)

In my opinion, you should first be in therapy before starting on any hormone medication, particularly one that specializes in Gender Identity Disorder. My therapist gave me a letter to give to an endocrinologist after three months. Many people see a regular doctor to get their medication, and that's what I actually do now, for insurance reasons. You would just tell your doctor that you are transsexual and wish to start on hormone replacement therapy (HRT), and here is the letter from the therapist. If your doctor won't agree to start you on the meds, you'll have to shop around for one that will.

There are many who purchase their hormone medication via the internet, and don't see a doctor at all. Many times they can't afford the doctor visits since they have no insurance. I would NOT recommend doing this at all. There are some that have to do it this way, but if you can see a doctor at all, do that by any means possible.

Your blood levels should be tested regularly, every three to six months. They look at your estrogen and testosterone levels, and also your liver enzymes. You should take at least a 81 mg aspirin a day. Estrogen tends to thicken the blood, and the aspirin will help thin it out a bit. Some doctors order blood thinning medication instead, if the patient needs more thinning than an aspirin can provide. These are all things to consider, but if your doctor knows what she or he is doing, they'll have it all handled.

Besides estrogen pills, you should also use a testosterone blocker. They work together to help your body transition into being more like a female's. I use spironolactone, but there are other blockers out there.

As far as changes, let's see if I get this all right. It's been awhile. After a week or two, I noticed my skin was softer and my hair was less greasy. I also felt much more calm, and I could feel my emotions a LOT more. The aggressive/horny state that testosterone can bring out in a person was mostly gone. After about a month, I noticed my body hair had drastically decreased (softer, grew slower, and there wasn't as much of it as before). This is when the breast growth started as well. I began to lose muscle mass, and my hips and butt gathered quite a bit of fat.

That's correct, some of these changes aren't reversible. The body hair, grease in head hair, and skin softness (or lack of) should come right back. The testosterone will reduce the emotionality, and the aggressive kind of feelings will come back. But the breast growth is not reversible (you'd have to have a breast reduction in order to get a flat chest again), and after about three months, you'll be sterile for life. If you plan on having any kids with your genetic characteristics, you would have to bank your sperm (very expensive!).

A great resource is Transsexual Road Map. They've been around for years and have lots of great information, as well as links to other good sites.

http://www.tsroadmap.com/

I hope my answers were of some help to you. Let me know if you have any other questions.

Would you mind if I made your question and my reply into a blog entry? It may be able to help others. I'd remove your name, of course. Let me know. :)

Take care,

Amy

Hi Amy,

Thank you for taking the time to send me a detailed email, I really do appreciate it, and yes of course you are welcome to include our email in your blog.

I do have couple questions, I hope I do not come across ignorant? I just wish to know what the process is for starting things to become a woman.

Q1. When I go to my doctor for the first time and tell my doctor I have a gender dis-order and want to be a woman. Forgive me if this is a silly question, but do I need to dress as a woman when I say this in order to convince her?

Q2. What happens at therapy? Again during therapy do you have to dress as a woman, in order to add some weight to your case when starting the process of wanting to be a woman?

Q3. Once I have a referral from my therapist for hormone treatment, with so many different forms of medication which one worked best for you? What was the name of the hormone medication which saw your breasts grow, and your body change into a more feminine appearance?

Q4. Once I start the medication, what are the next stages of the transition into becoming a woman? Obviously therapy is on going, but what happens next?

Thank you again for everything, you have bee so helpful to me, I admire you for what you have done, and I want to emulate your success in becoming a woman

Thanks
XXX

Hiya XXX!

I'm sorry for the delay. I was very busy yesterday and then again today. Thanks for allowing me to post our messages in my blog. I assume I can do the same for these latest messages as well? :)

First of all, the way you say, "becoming a woman." Well, I'm a stickler for saying things correctly. This may feel right for you to say it this way, but if you feel that you are a transsexual, then you already are a woman, inside, where it counts. I was born as a woman, but in the body of a male. So if I were you, I would say, "becoming physically a woman," or better yet, "aligning my body to match my gender identity." That might make a better impression on any doctor you go to see.

Don't feel bad about asking questions. Asking questions is one of the ways we learn about things. I don't think you're ignorant at all. You just have some learning to do. I would recommend reading all you can on websites like tsroadmap.com, and possibly picking up a book like "True Selves." That one in particular is great to loan out to friends and family. It explains the transsexual dilemma to others quite well.

Q1. You can dress however you want to dress. The doctor will know that you're just starting out. I dressed in female clothes at the time because I did so every chance I could. Others may not feel the need to do so.

Q2. Ditto. I went to a few group therapy sessions at my therapist's office. (It was purely optional, but I found it to be interesting and fun.) Me and someone else were dressed as female, another was dressed as a man, and another presented herself as androgynous. It's all up to you and your comfort level. The therapist should be interested in your thoughts and feelings, not your outer presentation.

Q3. I've only used estradiol (a form of estrogen), spironolactone (a testosterone blocker), and finasteride (DHT blocker, to help prevent male pattern baldness). Last year, I added provera (progesterone) to help "round out" my breasts. That really helped with that, but it gave me crazy mood swings. I stopped after about six months. I would just start with estrogen and a testosterone blocker first, and worry about the other things later on. The doctor will probably start you on a low dose and increase it over time. I've never tried different brands of medication, as far as estradiol and spironolactone, so I don't have anything to compare them to. Many transwomen use estrogen patches or injections, and I've heard that the results pass along more quickly (plus it bypasses the liver). I hate shots, and the patch wasn't covered by my insurance, so it's been pills for me, from day one to present day.

Q4. Big question here. The details are all up to you, but I think it's best to let the medication do it's job for awhile. You'll be going through a lot (mentally and physically), and it may take some time to get acclimated. In the meantime, you'll need to get rid of facial hair, since hormones will not have much of an effect there. Laser hair removal can help a lot, but the only proven method to get rid of the hair forever is electrolysis. This can be quite costly and time consuming. Once you're ready to take the next big leap (with most or all of the facial hair gone), you can come out to family, friends and coworkers; get a name change (along with changing your social security card, driver license, and passport if need be); and live as a woman full time. Then it's time to save up for GRS (gender reassignment surgery), FFS (facial feminization surgery), or whatever surgery you might need or want.

Don't just follow my advice. This is a monumental change in your life, and you need to do all the research you can. Read, read, read. Take notes. And take your time. That's the best advice I can give you. You will want to rush through all this as fast as you can, but this should take you years to accomplish. It's not all about rushing to the end. Enjoy the journey.

You're welcome, and thank you for the kind words. I view my journey as a quest towards finding myself. Most people start out life with a body and gender identity that match. Transsexuals have to fight just to be treated as the gender they are. I wish you the best of luck with your journey.

- Amy 

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Breastholds (Or: The Return of My Boobs Are Sore!)

You know, thresholds, breasts... I, uhhh, whatever.

I seem to have crossed some kind of threshold with the size of my breasts. As mentioned in this post, they have been growing... again! It's been over seven years since I started hormones, and I'm still getting spurts of growth. My last spurt was in January, 2010. That was due to my starting a medication called Provera, a progesterone supplement. I had another big spurt before that in September, 2009. This occurred right after I increased my Estradiol, an estrogen supplement. I've since stopped taking the Provera, and I'm on the same dose of Estradiol that I was on back then. So, why the increase?

My breasts are all sore and warm. Very sensitive there. And bigger! I keep wondering why and how, but then tell myself not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

What's interesting is the reactions from people that I get now. Particularly men. Let me just say right now that I don't have the slightest attraction towards men. They can never be in the same universe for me as a sexy, curvy woman. But while getting attention from men can seem kind of creepy to me (the older, the more creepy), it is rather reaffirming. I've seem to have passed a threshold (breasthold!), and now men are staring at me. A LOT. Particular in one area, just south of my face. One day, not much. The next, all of a sudden I have all these fans!

Too bad none of them are women. Oh, that's right, I'm engaged to the love of my life. D'oh!  ;)

Speaking of which, I wanted to post some kind of comparison on here, but this is not an adult-only blog, and Nikki would kill me in any case. But I just took in a picture in a "classic" outfit. This is a nightgown that looks like, well... a gown. In late 2005, I took a couple photos wearing it:

Well, look now:

 

I've come a long way, baby!

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Snippets

I went to the eye doctor the other day, that one in Wal-Mart. I have a pair of very old glasses (from The Before Time, so they're not all pretty or anything) that are bent and not my prescription anymore. That's okay, because I hate wearing glasses and I only wear them around the house and such. So yes, I wear contacts... and I'm on my last pair. They are getting a pair of free samples in about two weeks to hold me over until I can purchase some amount of contacts.

Skylar says, 'imagigation' instead of 'imagination.' Imagi-gay-tion. I like it. Someone should give their LGBT blog or organization (organi-gay-tion?) a name like that. That would rock.

Christmas shopping is just about done. We didn't get that much for the girls, but they'll get other things from their family in New York (semi-useless but hey it's something). We're really short on funds and high on expenses lately. Thank goodness the electric bill went down to $138 because we're really not using the air conditioner anymore. That's still pretty high though. Geez.

I've been playing a lot of Return to Castle Wolfenstein lately. Well, not a lot compared to a gaming enthusiast or anything. I play every two or three days because I'm so busy with other things. Anyway, it's great fun. Your basic shoot-em-up game. Blow the hell out of Nazis, and then all of a sudden, they bring these undead things back to life. The game totally changes into scary mode after that. Then it's back to Nazis. Hmmm.

We went geocaching again (see here for our first two times). We didn't go to as many or for as long a time as I wanted. Nikki was tired, and so was Skylar. Oh well. Maybe we'll do better next weekend. I'll write about it in more detail in my next post.

A friend of mine (granted, Facebook friend but maybe soon more of a real life friend) is going to try to start a non-profit insurance company of sorts for transfolk seeking GRS. You would pay a certain amount per month and then a deductible, and the company would pay for the rest of the surgery. Naturally, there would be guidelines to follow, and only reputable doctors would be covered. To anyone reading this, what do you think? Is this feasible? What would be some pitfalls and complications, besides getting all the money together for this?

My feelings of depression are directly linked to the cold. It got cold a couple weeks ago (thirties in the morning, and fifties in the afternoon), and I had a few bouts of depression. Ugh, it sucks to suddenly feel so down. For the last five days or so, we've been getting a bit of a heat wave for December (a warm wave?). Now that's it's been upper forties in the morning, and mid to upper seventies in the afternoon, I've been feeling just fine. I guess Arizona is really good for me.

I'm sure many of you bloggers have gotten junk mail from Goofle AdWords. They'll give you $100 of free advertising. You only pay when someone clicks on your ad and goes to your site. Well, I set everything up, and made sure that we would not be going over the $100. Naturally, I made an ad for my blog. However, it's been a week and the ad is still "under review." Figures.

I talked to my dad the other day. He thinks I should get a construction job or go dig ditches. "They're always looking for people to dig ditches." Yeah, that would be a great environment for me. Throw a girly transwoman in with a bunch of macho men. If they didn't figure out I was born male, I'd still be in danger for being the only soft, curvy thing there. No thanks. Dad needs a reality check.

Oh, my boobs are sore... again! It's been over seven years since I started hormones. They're still growing! Is that unheard of or what? I'm not sure. But I'm pretty thrilled about it. They're all sore and warm. Awesome! In following tradition, we need another nice picture of cleavage.

I got a haircut over the weekend. I really love it! My hair can't be too long or I end up yanking it all out. Well, not all of it (!!!), but you know. It's now just under my shoulder and I have respectable bangs again. Yay!

That's it for today. Stay tuned for another geocaching report!

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First Professional Makeover (Blast From the Past Entry)

Wow. I'm reading this and remembering all the body hair I used to have. It wasn't a lot for a guy... but way too much for a girl! Icky. I'm glad all that is long behind me. It feels like a completely different life to me. And I really don't miss the breast forms. It's so much nicer having real ones!

For those who may not have read my past "blasts from the pasts," or don't remember, FemmeFever was run by one woman named Karen, and she did makeovers, photoshoots, and organized events and parties, both at her house and away. She was a doll, seriously, and we got along great. Eventually though, I distanced myself from them because I was often the one transsexual in a room full of crossdressers. Don't get me wrong, I was good friends with a lot of them, but it wasn't what I was about. I thought I was all about dressing and putting on makeup and such, and hey that's fun, don't get me wrong... but along the way, I found me. The real me.

At the time of this writing, I had yet to find her. But oh was I having a blast! Included are some of the pictures that were taken after the makeover.

October 7, 2002

------------------

Today I had my first makeover by Karen of FemmeFever. It was just fantastic! I came with a bunch of clothes and some of my makeup, although she has plenty of both at her house. I actually met Karen a week ago, when I needed someplace to shave my hairy legs and torso. I was in a rush to do it, since I thought that I was going to dancing at Luxe in girl mode with Vanessa, and my mother took that week of vacation off. But it turns out it'll be going to Luxe this Friday. In any case, I shaved for 2.5 hours and ended up clogging up Karen's pipes. :(  I feel really bad about that, but she said it wasn't my fault, since she told me to shower rather than do it in a bath.

Anyway, she showed me how to do the eye makeup, which is by far the most intricate of all. She even shaped my eyebrows using makeup, which I don't think I'll bother to do myself, but it was interesting. I told her that I didn't like the shadow on my face showing, so she put red makeup on my face to cancel out the "blue" from the shadow. Then she covered it with three different concealers and powders. I can still see it a little bit though, so I won't bother with all that in the future. One concealer and one powder is good enough for me. Karen even showed me how to cover my birthmark. She used a green concealer to cancel out the red color of my birthmark, and then covered with two or three different skin-colored concealers or powders.

She made me look beeee-yoo-tiful! She took a photo shoot of me afterwards, and we ended up taking over 100 pictures. We took pictures with four different outfits: a short, green dress that was originally Christina's, a purple kimono-style dress that Karen has in one of her four (!!!) closets, a cute pink skirt and jacket that I bought at Rave Girl, with a stretchy white blouse, and...a thonged leotard that used to belong to my sister. (She threw it out, but I "rescued" it from the trash.) That was quite a risque outfit indeed!

Karen made me feel very comfortable in front of the camera, giving a lot of smiles and nice comments. I also bought breast forms from her (cup size C), and a bra to put them in. The bra has to be underwire so that they don't fall out. I had removed the wires from all my bras that had them, because...well, I didn't really need them (until now), it made them more comfortable. If only I had known. Karen also GAVE me a pocketbook, for free. (It would've been one of the things that would've been given away at the next house party.) It has special holders for two lipsticks, and a blush or powder compact. The breast forms felt weird at first, but after awhile, they warmed up from my body heat, and I almost forgot they were there. They're comforting in a way. When I finally took them off, it felt uncomfortable, as my real breasts had gotten used to the warmth and softness of the silicone.

So, Karen gave me a CD-ROM full of all the digital pictures she took, and I left her house while still in girl mode. I was wearing the green dress that I mentioned earlier. I went to Genovese and bought a few items, went to get gas for my car (I pumped), went through McDonald's drive-thru, and lastly, went into the women's room in Waldbaum's to get undressed back into guy mode. Nobody stared at me or seemed to "find me out," that is, except for two men at Genovese, and one on the road, but they were flirting, not laughing. :) So it was a great time! A few days later, I went back to Karen's to have her take a picture of me in guy mode. If you let her put the pictures on her public webpage (www.femmefever.com), as "before and after" shots, she gives you a $50 discount. So I did that, and while I was there I bought a pair of thigh-high stockings. Anyway, that was my makeover experience.

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I'm "Convinced" That I'm a Member of the Opposite Gender?

I haven't had much to write about lately. We're still waiting to move away from here (50 days to go!), and the kids have been off from school for Easter break and driving us nuts. Today was a particularly boring, rainy day. I wanted to walk, but well... rain. Tomorrow looks to be about the same.

The last time I saw my doctor, he said he was going to read up on me and see what new treatments would be available for transsexuals. I humored him and told him, "Why not?" I saw him a couple days ago, and he gave me a few pages of printout from a website with the address of http://www.uptodate.com/. The material on this website is written by physicians, and also intended for physicians, among others. This is a site that one has to subscribe to, to the tune of $195 annually.

Anyway, my doc printed out the pages having to do with transsexualism. Here are some excerpts, with my thoughts, of course.

"Transsexualism is the condition in which a person with apparently normal somatic sexual differentiation of one gender is convinced that he or she is actually a member of the opposite gender." I was fine until they threw the word "convinced" in there. Well, yes, I'm convinced! Are you convinced that you're the gender that you are? Are you convinced that you're actually reading this? Well, hell yeah! Ahem...

"When hormone treatment starts, or maybe even earlier, the "real life test," or "real life experience" should begin." I disagree, though for many transsexuals out there, this is the way it's gone for them. The way it's been for me, and I think all should have the option, is such:

1) Therapy with a GID specialist for at least three months.

2) Hormone therapy begins.

3) Real Life Test begins whenever patient feels ready to do so.

Why? For MTF's, hormones help your face get softer and more feminine looking. You get breasts and hips due to fat redistribution. For FTM's, facial hair growth and deepening of the voice certainly helps to become more manly in outward appearance. Looking more like your inner gender can definitely help with the RLT.

"Oral 17b-estradiol valerate 2 to 4 mg per day or transdermal 17b-estradiol, 100 mcg twice a week, is the treatment of choice." I'm on 8 mg a day of estradiol valerate. The doctor gave me a raised eyebrow at this, but let me stay at this dosage. I wonder, is it a bit much? I'd been on that dose for years, originally prescribed by my endocrinologist in New York, but then he was a newbie at treating transsexuals as well.

"After two years of estrogen administration, no further development can be expected." Really now? I started HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in July of 2003. I had slow development (in spurts) from then until August of 2007, at which I ran out of my meds and couldn't get any more due to lack of health insurance. That's four years so far with breast growth. I got back on my meds in May of 2008 (via a county-funded health care program), at which I had my biggest growth spurt to date.

There's a lot more to this, eight pages worth in fact. I could always scan this document and save it as a PDF file if anyone wants. Just leave me a comment and let me know.

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Title

Okay, so it's been awhile since I've last posted. First of all, nothing new is really going on. Same jobless situation, same struggle with bills, etc. Secondly, I've been sick for the last few days, and when I'm sick, all I want to do is lay around, or better yet, sleep. There are a few tidbits of information that I can share, however, before I start relying on old material again.

(By the way, that is NOT me on the left. That's plus size model Crystal Renn. I'm a big fan of curvy women. Down with models who are sticks and bones. Why did I put that at the top of this entry, which has nothing to do with plus size models? Because I can.)

As mentioned in this post, Nikki fell and broke one or more of her ribs. It's been two weeks now. She is improving, however... a week after that happened, she fell down some outside steps and hurt her other side and her back (nothing broken though). This time I wasn't there to semi-save her. My poor baby! I'm starting to think that maybe she's like a dwarf (a fantasy dwarf, not a little person!), who is better off with both feet planted on terra firma at all times. So, needless to say, she's been out of work. She hopes to feel well enough to return after the presidential holidays are over. Hopefully there'll be no spills in the meantime!

And now, following up on this post, I had an appointment with my doctor the other day. He's keeping me on the Provera (aka progesterone) for another two months. My breasts are still sore, and they're red on the inside curves, like a mild sunburn. I'm going to milk this for all it's worth! (No pun intended, seriously. I just read that back to myself!) My doc is also consulting some supposed big-shot endocrinologist in Los Angeles, to get treatment ideas for me. As far as I know, nothing has changed in the last five years, in the way of hormone supplements or other medication for transsexuals. Correct me if I'm wrong. But we'll see what he hears back.

I took Sarah to her therapy appointment the other day. She was in good spirits, and we talked about a great many things, such as that we hate black "accents," and we love asian accents. Then we started talking about Jackie Chan and how funny he is. And so on. It was some nice one-on-one time, even though it was just a car ride there and back.

It's a pretty stark contrast to today, when I was taking Sarah to get her blood drawn for her surgery on Monday. I think she was just nervous, but wow, she was so quiet. At least it wasn't a mad kind of quiet. She's been so moody lately, and she's about to start that wonderful introduction to womanhood. (If you don't know what I mean... get a clue!) Anyway, I left an hour before the appointment, thinking we had enough time. I'm getting on the highway when I think, "Hey, don't we need a prescription slip type of thing?" I could swear we had one of those with the first surgery (which you can read about here, if you like). I called Nikki and left a message, and I wasn't sure if we had one, or needed one, so I kept driving. Sure enough, Nikki calls back, and she has the piece of paper we need. By this time, we're halfway there. I turn around, get the slip, and head out again. The main road down there was pretty busy (both times). We ended up getting there FIVE MINUTES before closing time, and the door was locked. Arggghhh! They're closed Sunday, so the surgery is off now, since they need bloodwork first. Grrrr.

Anyway, we ended up going shopping at a few stores (frog food and people food, i.e. groceries for the latter). We went to Red Lobster for dinner. Yum! We haven't been there since we left New York, so we're talking at least 2.5 years ago. You know, they haven't changed the menu a bit. We had Lobster Nachos for an appetizer, and I stuck with my mainstay of "Ultimate Feast" for the entree. I ate everything but three fried shrimp. What a piggie. I was so stuffed.

Oh yes, one more thing. Nikki decided not to take that evening job (see the post regarding that here). It wasn't really because of me (at least I don't think so), but more that she had bitten off more than she could chew, especially with her double injuries. So she called them and told them she had to quit, the day before she was supposed to start. They were not happy. But oh well! Nikki is still looking into college courses, which would be during the evening, so I might have my solo run after all. We'll see. She's trying to work out the details with grants, loans, payment plans, etc., etc., etc.

So those are our current events. I left out a thing or two for another blog entry. I miss bugging you people with my blabbering every day or two.

Oh yes, I gave this post a title of "Title." I couldn't think of a name. So I thought that would befit my wiseass, sarcastic self.

Happy Valentine's Day for anyone who doesn't get miserable about it this year. For those who do, I'm sorry. Never give up. Your equal is out there, somewhere, maybe looking for you. Maybe not. Sometimes you need to clobber them over the head and drag them home by their hair. What? It worked in the old days!

Oh look, another plus size model! Now how did that happen?

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