I Made a Vlog!

Yes, it's true! I think it may be a bit boring to watch, and unfortunately, the camera we have is not the greatest. And wow... is my voice that low? I think I could get it a bit higher. My voice tends to get lower when I feel "on the spot." When being on camera is more of a natural thing for me, I think my voice could be free to be higher... I hope.

Anyway, watch this, and then go over to my YouTube channel and subscribe, leave a comment, what-have-you. Thanks!

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Final Blast From the Past Entry! (3 Days to Go!)

Three days to go! I'm getting very excited to leave now.

Here it is, my final "blast from the past" entry! I'd like to thank my laser specialist, electrologist, therapist...

Other than that, not much to say. The laser treatments never got rid of the shadow (and hairs!) on my chin and upper lip. Electrolysis did that, about two years later. I miss the LITE meetings since moving to Michigan. My toe has been fine for years now (hehe). The Mis Behavin event that I mention at the end of this entry was fun indeed.

Unfortunately, I just stopped writing diary entries for myself. I just lost interest, I suppose. The next time I wrote, it was my first MySpace blog.



Wednesday, May 21st, 2003
---------------------------------

I have a few days here in one entry. I'll start with Monday (5/19). I went to Barbara Ruggiero's to have my fourth laser hair removal session. I got a little extra work done for the same price. She did the chin and upper lip first on a slightly higher setting (37.5 joules), then did the whole face (including the chin and upper lip again) with 37 joules. It hurt a little less this time, probably because now there's less hair to absorb the heat. The soreness abated quicker also. I felt decent enough to walk into Taco Bell (still wearing makeup, a blouse, shorts and heels) to order some lunch.

Now to Tuesday (5/20). I was pretty hairy, but unable to shave. Despite that, I put on another tight, high-neckline shirt, shorts and heels, at Diana's place. (Is she getting sick of me yet?) We went to the LITE (Long Island Trans Experience) meeting together, at 7 PM. I saw Kat there, who I hadn't seen since RS Jones. She's post-op now, and recovering her eyesight since the operation in January. Her diabetes affected her somehow during the operation, and she went legally blind! That's so horrible, but I'm glad she's doing better. She has about 20/40 vision in each eye now. Anyway, I didn't speak much, as most of the talk was on SRS doctors and such. I have no experience there... yet! So it was a time to listen and absorb info. Then it was off to work. (Bleh...)

Now on to today (5/21). I had to go to the podiatrist to have my toe looked at. I had an ingrown toenail last Summer, and a few months ago, it felt overly sensitive to me even brushing it against anything. Last week I saw some pus coming out of it, so I decided to call to make an appointment. After some deliberation, I decided to take the nail polish off of all my toes. I wasn't sure, but I thought they may have to see the nail itself, and if they were to remove the polish at the office, they may rub hard and that would hurt! So to stay away from pain as much as possible (always a good idea), I de-polished them.

I went to the podiatrist's office wearing the same outfit as I did on Saturday night (only without huge breast forms!). She had to cut a bit off of the nail, which hurt for a second or two, and she prescribed an antibiotic. I asked her if I could wear any nail polish on that toe, and she said not for two weeks at least, and I have to keep a bandaid on it also. Ah well! On the way home, I put some gas in the car, dropped off my prescription, and got an egg salad bagel for lunch. Then sleepy time!

I have a few things to look forward to in the weeks ahead. A dentist appointment next week (it's so nice to enjoy visits to the dentist!), because this dental assistant, Dawn, will be there. I used to have a crush on her years back, and now she only fills in once in awhile. She hasn't seen the "new me," so to speak, so this should be fun! I already have a blouse in mind for the occasion, LOL...! It's a sleek blue gorgeous thing that I picked up from Express last week. After that, Makenna and I (and maybe others) are doing something on the 31st. There's a FemmeFever event at Mis Behavin (a bar) on June 12th (I'm trying to get the night off from work), and another TS meeting at Karen's house on June 19th. Fun fun fun!

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Auntie M's and the PVC Skirt (Blast From the Past Entry) (8 Days to Go!)

Eight days to go until the move! Attack of the Malaysians? I wouldn't mind being attacked by these Maylasians. Okey-dokey, now here's the part where I wait for Nikki to read this entry and wack me over the head with a random item...

Here's the penultimate edition of "blast from the past." If I do any after more after the last entry, it'll be scans of funny stuff I drew or what-not. Not even trans-related. So enjoy it, willlya? And please comment if you can think of anything to say. My commenters have fallen by the wayside, even on my current entries.

I don't remember much about my parents being away from home. I think it was for a week, and I could come and go as much as I wanted to, being the only one in the house. It was a tantalizing taste of freedom. In fact, now that I think about it, I did go to the bank all dolled up, just to withdraw cash from the ATM. I was wearing my Mudd heeled sandals that I also mentioned below. I still have them, and they're still my favorite pair of shoes, despite the scores that I've worn since `03.

Auntie M's closed quite a few years ago.




May 17th, 2003
------------------

My happy little "vacation" is at an end. My parents came back yesterday, so Amy is back in hiding. I went out to dinner with Dee (who now prefers the name Diana), after getting ready at her place. I was wearing a blue stretchy shirt that's actually a young mens' shirt. I wore jean short-shorts and my new "feel good" Mudd heels. I really looked like I had huge boobs with this shirt! The real reason I wore it, is because the collar is cut high, to cover my annoyed birthmark. That last laser session left a bunch of scabs on it. Ick!

We went to a diner near the Smithaven Mall. I ordered a full dinner: flounder stuffed with crab, soup, salad, fruit cup, potatoes, creamed spinach... the works. There was another customer there with her husband or boyfriend, who was laughing, and then just staring at me. It didn't really bother me until she was watching me eat my entire dinner. How rude! This one man in the lobby (before we were seated) made a funny comment that I was "pushing the season," as I was wearing shorts, and the nights are still kind of chilly. I always do that though. I just love summer clothes.

Afterwards, Diana went home, and I picked up Carmen. We were going to Auntie M's to see the drag show and to see Karen (owner of FemmeFever). I changed out of the shorts, and into a black shiny pvc skirt. Oooh, naughty Amy!

Yep, it looks pretty much just like this!

It was pretty crowded that night at Auntie M's, so I had to park pretty far away, on a side street by a 7-11. On the walk to the bar, I got two "woooh's" and one cry of "crazy legs!" Insane gams? Hmmm... Anyway, we made it inside in one piece, and Karen said she thought we were two gg's walking in. She looked tired, but it was great to see her again.

After the drag show, I played some pool with Carmen, then we played as a team against two guys. One of them thought he recognized me from somewhere in guy mode, but he didn't look familiar to me at all. We left around 4 am (!!!), and I got a few more "woooh's" and whistles as walked back to the car. I should've known that skirt was trouble. Guess I'll have to wear it again soon...!

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Holiday House Party (Blast From the Past Entry) (11 Days to Go!)

A few notes on this one. I remember "shaving myself down," and hey, I don't miss that at all. I still shave my legs and arms. I shave my stomach about once a month. The hair, while very soft, takes forever to grow. So it's like peach fuzz until about a month in, when it starts getting too long to be peach fuzz.

Vanessa's mom died in March of 2004. I really miss her. She accepted me so much more than my own mom did.

Karen is the owner of FemmeFever. She's so sweet, and I think one of the other FF girls told me, "We've all had a crush on Karen at one point or another." It makes sense. After going for years without, you finally find someone who is not only attractive, but accepts you for who you are.

Woah. I'm reading this now for the first time in at least four years, and I really wrote this? "I can be feminine when I want, and then just relax and be a guy afterwards." It's hard for me to imagine that I ever felt that way or thought that way. But notice that a few paragraphs later, I'm trying to get my brain around transitioning... without transitioning! It was only six months later, that I decided I wouldn't ever go back to "being a guy." Ever.

The pictures posted here were originally posted in this entry, as I had the pictures but not the diary entry. In fact, I didn't even remember I wrote about this until I found it again.



December 14th, 2002
-------------------------

I went to my first FemmeFever "house party" and I had a great time! I had a little bit of trouble sleeping as I sometimes do. I look forward to the get-togethers, and just "being Amy" so much. But at least I got five hours of sleep today. I got up, showered, "shaved myself down" again (I hadn't shaved in over a week), and went to Vanessa's house to get ready.

Unfortunately, Nessa wasn't feeling good and couldn't meet us at Auntie M's afterwards. But Nessa and her mother still let me get ready at their house and then come back afterwards to sleep over. I thank God for Vanessa and her mother. I would be lost without them. I try to remind them as much as possible without being redundant, that I appreciate them, and what they do for me, so much.

Vanessa even had Christmas cards for Michelle & Cecile, Lilly, & Karen. I didn't even think of that! Although I had a birthday card for Karen. I really like her. I don't know if it would be right for her to have a personal interest in someone in her "club" as more than a friend though. I wonder... ;)

So I drove to Karen's, actually found a place to park not far from the house, and upon entering, saw so many familiar faces. I was so happy to see Lilly, Michelle, Anna, Heather, Karen of course, Carmen and Suzy (who I met at the Father Jerry photo shoot), and Kristine and Phyllis (who I met at RS Jones). I also met Andi, who is so funny and crazy. :) She told me I was "so cute, just look how cute you are!" Of course, I'll never get tired of hearing things like that from anybody. :)

What are the highlights of the time at Karen's house? I talked to so many interesting girls like me, I had delicious shrimp cocktail, took some photos, was in some photos (I still have yet to see some of those group shots by the tree), I lost my amethyst off my necklace (the necklace just came off, didn't break though, thank God), but I found it in the bathroom, thank God again! I got a manicure set from the grab bag. Carmen got the gift I bought, a huge makeup set. All kinds of eye makeup, lipsticks and blushes. I'm glad Carmen got it, she deserves it. :) I liked it so much I was tempted to just grab my own gift, but nahhh, that would have been boring.

I keep wondering if Karen really likes me, but she seems to be very friendly and "flirty" with many of the girls. When we were posing for the group shot, Karen and I were sitting in front of the tree with others sitting or standing behind us. She started playing footsie with me, and then she put her legs over my legs... it was pretty surreal with both of us wearing panyhose, lol! But it felt nice and got my heart beating a little faster. I am soooo bad at being able to tell if people are just being friendly or genuinely have an attraction or fondness for me. So it's the same case here. Karen has John (or Siandra, John's "femme name"), but I have heard it's an "on-again, off-again," relationship. Maybe they see other people, I don't know... I don't know if it would be proper to ask Karen out on a date...? It's probably complicated since she runs the group/club/whatever you want to call it, and I am one of hundreds of members. Well, I'm sure I'll see more of her, so we'll see what happens... if she keeps up with the flirting, I'll either jump her bones or faint, lol!

Afterwards, we went to Auntie M's. I followed Michelle there, and Lilly followed me. It's a very small bar, pool table in front, one "unisex" bathroom. A few guys were staring at me when I came in, & once again I cannot "read" people. I don't know if they're staring at me because they find me attractive, they do not like me for some reason, they are trying to figure out what gender I really am, hehe. I have no idea. But I had a good time there. There were some verrry attracive lesbians/bisexuals (?) there...very young and very nice...they did not stare at me though, oh well. :) There was one there who looked like Dominique Swain...oooh, I love Dominique Swain! Now guys are staring at me, I am staring at this Dominique look-alike, and she seems oblivious to all of this, ha ha! :)

There was some girl (also very attractive) playing pool while laying ON the pool table, hehe. Heather goes over and "chases" her off. Heather is sooo funny, just irrepressible, really. And of course, that is great! :) I talked to Phil, who is a Vietnam vet and former firefighter...wow...my father was in Vietnam. He was too embarrassed to come dressed. I do feel bad for those who are older and of a heavier build than me. Some of them feel unattractive or embarrassed. Not everyone can be 5'5" and be "out" in their 30's like I am. But someday (unless something terrible happens to me), I'll be that age myself. I do not judge anybody by their age, weight, gender, sexual persuasion, race, etc... I just try to be thankful and appreciate what I have as much as possible without having a swelled head over it.

So anyway, Phil finds me very attractive, and he is bi-sexual. He bought me TWO drinks, spent 8 bucks on me, which I appreciated very much. Unfortunately, I am only occassionally "bi-curious" as I have mentioned before. If I ever do have an encounter with a man or another T-girl (who is usually still a man under all that anyway), it would be with someone I know very well and am totally comfortable with. And it will very likely never happen, and no big loss if it doesn't. And if it did happen, I may or may not enjoy it. I just don't know at this point. It is not at the forefront of my mind anyway. I just enjoy meeting all these interesting people, and making friends!

Speaking of which, I spoke to Andi, who I mentioned above. I'm not sure what made Andi confide in me with her dilemma, though I am glad she did. (Even though it's very sad.) Maybe she is attracted to me (at this time I don't know her sexual preference), maybe I was just there at the right moment, I don't know. But she is married (to a gg), and has three kids... and is now at the point where she wants to get SRS. This is probably the end of her marriage I am guessing, and maybe the alienation of her kids. Plus "coming out" in the workplace. She is very depressed living life as man, and she showed me scars on her wrist, which I'm not sure is from suicide attempts or self-mutilation. I tried to console her as best as I could, and I can only imagine what it must be like. I do not hate my male persona at all, but I do enjoy my female persona more. But I like the way I am, having the "best of both worlds." I can be feminine when I want, and then just relax and be a guy afterwards. But not everyone is like this, and Andi is one of them, has a need to be a woman that just won't go away. So the only choices are to stay the way she is, and be miserable, just wanting this all her life and never getting it...or make the change into a woman and risk messing up everything else, family, job, marriage, etc...it must be so hard to make a choice like that. So I want to help her in some way. I sent her an email a day after the party, left her my cellphone number if she ever needed to talk or whatever.

Anyway, three gin and tonics later (two of which were bought by Phil...thank you Phil!), I was feeling very happy, hehe. I hugged almost everyone goodbye, and usually I am very hesitant in doing that. I gave Karen a nice squeeze.  :) I just have never hugged much and done touchy-feely things like that in "guy mode," but I want to be very sweet and everything as Amy, so hopefully one day I will be as sweet and nice without being totally blasted! Hee hee.  :)

Kristine drove me home, and I left my car in the lot. I very much appreciated her for doing that for me. :) She's very pretty also. Some of the girls are sooo pretty and feminine, then they speak and I hear a "guy voice," and I don't even expect it. Kristine wears very nice outfits, satin (or satin-looking) blouses, leather skirts, sexy heels, long-ass legs, and her makeup and hair are immaculate. I get "fooled" sub-consciously into thinking a sexy, sultry voice would come out of that mouth!  :)  So she drove me to Vanessa's house, it was 1 am at that time. I changed and broke out the makeup remover pads, and had to relate my conversation with Andi to Vanessa before calling it a night. Vanessa has had problems similar to Andi's (not related to gender identity though, caused by other things), so I figured she would understand at least the symptoms of these problems, even if she couldn't relate to the cause itself (the cause being this life-shaking, potentially life-destroying, thing that is called having SRS, and the reactions of those you love).

Now a related thought, which has been invading my mind more and more lately. As I do more and more "Amy-related" things, I begin to love it more and more. I am starting the hair-removal appointments in January, thinking of removing the birthmark on my shoulder, going to these FemmeFever get-togethers, thinking of growing my hair into at least a semi-feminine style, and just going out in "drab" with some makeup, clothes on, etc... I begin to fantasize more and more, about if I lived by myself (or with an understanding roommate), I could just wear these clothes/makeup/etc..., all the time. Then I might even consider going dressed to the workplace. Just imagine...! Going to work in a dress, blouse and skirt, or just jeans and a shirt, but with the makeup, hair, nails, etc...! Wow. I would be so nervous, and people would probably be giggling, staring, etc... But I would still feel great. I would ask the management first though, and I have a feeling they would be okay with it. This job is the only job I have ever had that I actually like my supervisors, bosses, etc...usually I get along with the other employees and not the management. But I guess I would tell them, "I am a crossdresser, and I prefer to wear women's clothes and makeup. Would this be acceptable to come to work dressed in that way?" Man, I am so curious as to what they would say! I would of course reassure them that I wear normal women's clothing. A lot of people do not know a lot about crossdressers, and they may mistakenly assume that I would come wearing some gaudy outfit or wear inappropriate clothes. Maybe I would stop by in person to discuss this, and show some photos of how I would present myself at work. I don't think I would be fired for this... either they say yes, and it's fine... or they would say no, and I would continue to attend work in "guy mode." They already had a outwardly homosexual man work there, and he used to wear wacky leather outfits and do his nails with the girls there. Anyway, I keep thinking about this. But, this could only happen after all of the following happen first: A) I live in my own place or with an accepting roommate, B) I finish up my laser hair removal (as I mentioned before, my skin is so sensitive I can't shave every day or even every two days, so stubble is not acceptable, I have to totally look the part at work, for me anyway), C) grow my real hair long (that wig would really get on my nerves every day), and probably also D) get that birthmark removed. Now...B and D are happening real soon, C will take awhile, and I hope I can get my hair to look nice, and A is probably very far off. This job is great, but $10.25 an hour is not enough to live on, especially with child support taken out. I can barely afford my bills as it is. So it's either get another job or a second job (who may or may not let me come dressed as Amy in the workplace), or take a few years to pay off my debts (without running up new ones!), get some raises in the meantime hopefully, and find a roommate or girlfriend to live with. Just some thoughts... but I would love to live full-time or almost full-time as Amy. With my hair long and my facial hair removed, I would only have to throw on some girly clothes, put on makeup and go. Soooo easy compared to now. Shaving... I hate it. That shadow is always there no matter how close I shave. Covering my birthmark... hate it. Takes so long and the concealer gets on my outfits. The wig... I love my wig, but my scalp gets hot and itchy, it gets tangled, smells like smoke after going out to places like Auntie M's. And living with my family... I have to hide everything. If I lived away from home, I would probably only be in "guy mode" to see my family and my friends who don't know about this. I wouldn't want to hurt my family or my daughter. Besides that, just be Amy... go out anywhere as Amy, sleep as Amy, go to work as Amy... just be that way all the time. How wonderful it would be. Maybe this will happen eventually. It's just nice to think of it.  :)

All in all, it was a great night! I'm not sure what the next "Amy event" will be, but I do want to go to another of Karen's house parties on Jan 31st, a Friday night, which may be a sleepover/slumber party, if enough are interested. Another night I have to take off work, ah well. Then I may have my first facial hair removal session on the next day. My appointment right now is for Jan 10th, a Friday, so I would have to take off two Friday's in one month, that would be not so good. So maybe I can schedule a Saturday appointment for hopefully later in the day. They only do Saturdays every six weeks or so, and Feb 1st is one of those Saturdays. I just have to call them on Monday to find out if they have any good times for me on that day. In any case, I'm looking forward to banishing my beard.  :)

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Dinner at RS Jones (Blast From the Past Entry) (14 Days to Go)

You know, I never worried if a place was "tg friendly" or not. I would've never gone to a sports bar, where there are a lot of rowdy males present, but other than that, I would really go anywhere. (I don't think I would go to a sports bar now either... not because I worry about being gendered as male, but because I don't like rowdy males and I'll probably get hit on left and right!) But I could see how some would worry, if they get gendered as male easily, or are just starting out. It was a nice time in any event.

Oh yes, 14 days to go! Two weeks! Oh, pass quickly, you two weeks, you!

November 12, 2002
----------------------

Tonight there was a dinner at RS Jones in Merrick, NY. It was a going-away party for Linda, who was moving away. Though I had no idea who Linda is, we were invited to join them anyway. I got ready at Vanessa's house and we both went to have dinner.

I wore a stretchy-black dress that had flower prints on it, which I had worn just a few weeks ago at the Father Jerry photo shoot. Unfortunately, it was pouring-down rain, so we ran from our cars to the front door. Karen had told me that this is a "tg friendly" restaurant, and sure enough, all I got were friendly smiles. After hanging up our coats, we found two tables full of FemmeFever girls.

Among others, we saw Karen, Heather, Linda, Vicky, Kat (who's having her SRS in January), Chrissy, Siandra, and Phyllis. I had a delicious dinner, with no room left for dessert. Heather gave me money for two tickets to the Winter Ball, for her and her boyfriend, Jim. Chrissy took down Vanessa's address so that she could send me money for a ticket. I had decided to coordinate getting a table for all of us, and I don't think my parents would understand if they found out I was going to a formal ball under the name of Amy.

Unfortunately, I had to work that night. So I had to change clothes and get all the makeup off of me, and drive to work from RS Jones. But it was a very nice place and I had a yummy time. :)

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Father Jerry Photo Shoot (Blast From the Past Entry) (16 Days to Go)

No, this is not a new photo of me with red hair, and I much prefer my hair the way it is now. Especially because it's not a wig! It is slowly thinning, so I may end up with a wig, but I really hope it won't be any time soon. I posted these photos awhile ago, but I couldn't locate the diary entry that went with it. Well, here it is. You can see the original post with the photos here.

Oh yes, we have 16 days until our move. Here's today's pic:

November 2, 2002
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Today was my professional photo shoot by Father Jerry (not a real father, it's really just an affectionate name). I was going with Vanessa, and the shoot was scheduled to start at 10 a.m. in New Jersey. So, being that I work an overnight shift from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. Saturday morning, I had to leave work early at 6 a.m. to get to Vanessa's house to get ready. "Ready" consists of showering, shaving my face, torso, legs, and even my back. This took longer than I thought, plus we wanted to pick up McDonald's for Vanessa and a Starbuck's Frappuccino for me. So I ended up not having time to do my makeup. I tried doing it in the car while Vanessa drove, but it was too shaky for me to do a good job. So I took the trip in guy mode.

I had printed out directions from Yahoo Maps, so we had no trouble at all negotiating our way there, until...we were gabbing, and missed our exit! We tried to turn around and find our way back, but got even more messed up. Some nice man that we met at a McDonald's actually led us back to the highway. We ended up getting there at 10:30 a.m., and then I had to change and apply makeup. I brought two six-packs of wine coolers, but the only one besides me who seemed to want any was Carmen. I also met Suzi (another comic book collector like myself), Eileen, Gabrielle (who was practically masturbating by rubbing herself through her pantyhose, during her photo shoot!), Lilly (very pretty blonde who modelled a rocker girl outfit and a scuba diving outfit - she scuba dives a lot in guy mode), and Nancy (who got photos of herself tied with packing tape). Of course, our esteemed leader, Karen, was there as well.

I wore three different outfits: a very short suspender dress with a skintight stretchy blouse underneath, a tight purple shoulder-baring and midriff-baring top with a tiny black skirt (junior's extra small - it was like wearing short shorts with no legs!), and a stretchy black dress with white flowers on it. In all the shots, I wore a sexy redhead wig. I've always loved redheaded women, and wanted to see myself as one.

The hilarity ensued when Lilly put on a nun outfit made out of PVC, and Father Jerry put on a priest's outfit. They took pictures of Lilly whipping Father Jerry (not for real though), Lilly kneeling and praying in front of him, putting her tongue up to his ear...! Pretty wild for someone who only likes gg's (talking Lilly here)!

I was pretty nervous in the beginning, but I loosened up pretty quickly, partly because I looked better than most of the other girls there, although maybe not as good as Lilly. Not that I gloat or think "I am a goddess" or anything...but it just helped me to be more confident is all.

So I ended up with a CD-ROM of almost 200 fiery-haired sexy pics! I had a lot of fun.

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Halloween at Silver Swan (Blast From the Past Entry)

These pics were already posted last summer, in this entry, but I couldn't find the "story" to go with it. Now that it's found, and since most of my followers were not around in July, why not post the pics again?

This was a good time for me on Halloween, about oh... seven and a half years ago. The Silver Swan is now closed, sadly. But check out my silver (and blue) wig! This was a really neat outfit. I think I would look much better in it today. I always cringe when I see the old pictures with that shadow on my face. Ick!



October 26, 2002
--------------------

Tonight was the Halloweeeeen celebration.  :)  Well, it was actually the Saturday before Halloween, since I have work at 11 p.m. on October 31st. Anyway, I put an email out to the girls in the FemmeFever online group. I was considering either Silver Swan in New York City, or Thunders, in Huntington, Long Island. Judging from the responses I got (which were many), Ina's at Silver Swan was the place to go. I managed to get a group consisting of me, Vanessa, Michelle, and Cecile (Michelle's gg girlfriend), who both Vanessa and I would be meeting for the first time.

After much deliberation, I got myself a space girl outfit, a purple and silver bodysuit with a corresponding skirt. I topped it off with black lace gloves (I had to cut off the tips myself, but they look great), a space gun (which was a Star Wars "Amidala" pistol), a beautiful, long blue and silver wig (which smells like candy), purple nail polish, a $20 tiara (not a plastic cheapie one), black fishnet stockings from Victoria's Secret, silver sparkly high heel sandals from Baker's, and a blue and white garter belt. ;) Whew!

I got ready at Vanessa's house (her mother had recently said that I could get dressed there, which makes things much easier), and we left to go to Michelle's house. Unfortunately, I left my camera at Vanessa's house! Argh! We had a lot of trouble finding Michelle's house, but a quick call to her (on my cellphone) fixed that.

I was a little nervous on meeting Michelle for the first time, seeing as this was my first time meeting anyone who was crossdressed. But I soon become much more at ease. Michelle was dressed as a very tall french maid (she even served us cheese and crackers), and Cecile was dressed as a goth girl. She's very pretty, and she told us that her hair is naturally blonde, but she had a dark-haired wig on that night. Vanessa was pretty goth-looking also, but more of a vampire look, especially her vampire fangs (not those plastic novelty things, these are actually sharp, and they fasten onto the real teeth). We chatted for a bit, then headed out to New York City. Luckily, Michelle knew the city very well, so we just followed her and Cecile. We almost lost them at one point, but it was very easy otherwise. We found a side-street not far away from Ina's, and walked over. I had a lot of fun getting looks and shooting passing cars with my laser gun. :)

There was a $5 cover charge, which is pretty cheap, but the drinks (gin and tonic) were $8 each! Ouch! I had run out of money somehow, and ended up charging $16 on my credit card to pay for two drinks. We had a great time though. Two or three male admirers wanted to take pictures of me, so I made sure to pose nice with my little gun. Another tg gal there thought I had sewn the costume myself! (I wish I could do that.) A gg (I think she was anyway) asked me if I was a lesbian. Ha ha! I realize now that she probably wanted to know if I like gg's or not, but being new to this, and having a few drinks in me, I was pretty confused. She also was fascinated by Vanessa's pointy fangs, and wanted Vanessa to bite her, so she did!

The four of us danced a little bit, and we took some pictures with Cecile's digital camera. Before we left, some guy who looked just like Pauly Shore (same face, hair, bandanna, confused look, everything!) was asking me all sorts of silly questions, like, "Why do you like to dress this way?" and, "How long have you done this?" He wasn't unfriendly at all, it just seemed funny that he was asking me this in a bar full of crossdressers. Maybe he was taking a survey or something, hehe. In fact, I told Vanessa just that, and she flipped out on the guy. Way too overprotective there...he wasn't bothering me at all. So I felt bad for him, lol! I guess I shouldn't have told her.

We followed Michelle and Cecile back to the bridge out of the city, at which point we would know the way back. Unfortunately, we followed them right into the "Easypass" lane, and I don't have an Easypass! So the guy had to come over and ask us tons of questions before taking our money and letting us go. When getting back to Vanessa's house, I found my camera, and she took a few pics of me. Then we called it a night.

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First Professional Makeover (Blast From the Past Entry)

Wow. I'm reading this and remembering all the body hair I used to have. It wasn't a lot for a guy... but way too much for a girl! Icky. I'm glad all that is long behind me. It feels like a completely different life to me. And I really don't miss the breast forms. It's so much nicer having real ones!

For those who may not have read my past "blasts from the pasts," or don't remember, FemmeFever was run by one woman named Karen, and she did makeovers, photoshoots, and organized events and parties, both at her house and away. She was a doll, seriously, and we got along great. Eventually though, I distanced myself from them because I was often the one transsexual in a room full of crossdressers. Don't get me wrong, I was good friends with a lot of them, but it wasn't what I was about. I thought I was all about dressing and putting on makeup and such, and hey that's fun, don't get me wrong... but along the way, I found me. The real me.

At the time of this writing, I had yet to find her. But oh was I having a blast! Included are some of the pictures that were taken after the makeover.

October 7, 2002

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Today I had my first makeover by Karen of FemmeFever. It was just fantastic! I came with a bunch of clothes and some of my makeup, although she has plenty of both at her house. I actually met Karen a week ago, when I needed someplace to shave my hairy legs and torso. I was in a rush to do it, since I thought that I was going to dancing at Luxe in girl mode with Vanessa, and my mother took that week of vacation off. But it turns out it'll be going to Luxe this Friday. In any case, I shaved for 2.5 hours and ended up clogging up Karen's pipes. :(  I feel really bad about that, but she said it wasn't my fault, since she told me to shower rather than do it in a bath.

Anyway, she showed me how to do the eye makeup, which is by far the most intricate of all. She even shaped my eyebrows using makeup, which I don't think I'll bother to do myself, but it was interesting. I told her that I didn't like the shadow on my face showing, so she put red makeup on my face to cancel out the "blue" from the shadow. Then she covered it with three different concealers and powders. I can still see it a little bit though, so I won't bother with all that in the future. One concealer and one powder is good enough for me. Karen even showed me how to cover my birthmark. She used a green concealer to cancel out the red color of my birthmark, and then covered with two or three different skin-colored concealers or powders.

She made me look beeee-yoo-tiful! She took a photo shoot of me afterwards, and we ended up taking over 100 pictures. We took pictures with four different outfits: a short, green dress that was originally Christina's, a purple kimono-style dress that Karen has in one of her four (!!!) closets, a cute pink skirt and jacket that I bought at Rave Girl, with a stretchy white blouse, and...a thonged leotard that used to belong to my sister. (She threw it out, but I "rescued" it from the trash.) That was quite a risque outfit indeed!

Karen made me feel very comfortable in front of the camera, giving a lot of smiles and nice comments. I also bought breast forms from her (cup size C), and a bra to put them in. The bra has to be underwire so that they don't fall out. I had removed the wires from all my bras that had them, because...well, I didn't really need them (until now), it made them more comfortable. If only I had known. Karen also GAVE me a pocketbook, for free. (It would've been one of the things that would've been given away at the next house party.) It has special holders for two lipsticks, and a blush or powder compact. The breast forms felt weird at first, but after awhile, they warmed up from my body heat, and I almost forgot they were there. They're comforting in a way. When I finally took them off, it felt uncomfortable, as my real breasts had gotten used to the warmth and softness of the silicone.

So, Karen gave me a CD-ROM full of all the digital pictures she took, and I left her house while still in girl mode. I was wearing the green dress that I mentioned earlier. I went to Genovese and bought a few items, went to get gas for my car (I pumped), went through McDonald's drive-thru, and lastly, went into the women's room in Waldbaum's to get undressed back into guy mode. Nobody stared at me or seemed to "find me out," that is, except for two men at Genovese, and one on the road, but they were flirting, not laughing. :) So it was a great time! A few days later, I went back to Karen's to have her take a picture of me in guy mode. If you let her put the pictures on her public webpage (www.femmefever.com), as "before and after" shots, she gives you a $50 discount. So I did that, and while I was there I bought a pair of thigh-high stockings. Anyway, that was my makeover experience.

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Origins Revisited (Blast From the Past Entry)

I wrote this back in April of 2003 (wow it's been seven years). What I did was take a few of my looseleaf-written entries and type them up in Word. I completely forgot that I did this until a couple months ago, when I found the document on the hard drive of our older computer (we have two running, and the older one... well, it has trouble bringing up Google at times). I wrote the following as an intro to my "computerized diary." It contains some different info than in my intro on this blog, my first ever blog post. Keep in mind that when I wrote this, it had only been a couple months since I'd realized my transsexuality. The way I put things is not really the way I'd write about it today.

I've included a bunch of pictures of me from 1997. These are the first pictures of Amy as you all know me, and they've never before been put on the net! The quality is not really there, but hey, it was `97.

Oh yes, my name is not really "Amethyst." I decided not to go with that name, as it was a bit outlandish and porn star-sounding. It is my favorite gem though. So here we go...


This introduction is just to bring everyone up to date on my life, particularly my "adventures into femininity." The only question I have now is, where do I start? When did the first manifestation of this feminine side take place?

One could say that maybe it was around the age of eight years old. My parents were repainting our rooms, and they asked what color we would want. My brother picked blue for his room, and I picked purple. (And I got my desire, but this wouldn't go much further, as you will soon see.) Or... if that was not it, then it was definitely somewhere between ten and twelve years old, when I found some little girls' clothes in bags in the guest room closet. They were meant for my sister when she got older, handed down by a neighbor. I was pretty skinny for my age, but of course I could barely fit into these things, as they were for a five or six-year-old. I ended up ripping some of them by just trying to put them on or take them off. Now I was scared at what I had done (plus not understanding why I had tried them on in the first place, not realizing why I liked putting on all the little dresses and skirts). Not knowing what to do at this point, I put all the ripped clothes back, and I acted shocked when asked if I knew anything about it. My mother seemed to think that it could've only been a certain neighborhood kid that would do this, who used to visit me or my brother. That is, until she found a button off of one of the outfits under my bed. That darn button started all the trouble by falling off and rolling under there while I tried on the clothes. I was found out, and when asked why I had damaged the clothes (putting them on was not yet the question yet), I lied and actually made myself look like some kind of psycho kid, by saying that I had ripped the clothes out of pent-up frustration from school.

Nothing much else happened until some time in high school. At this point, my mother's things started to fit me, and I started trying on her dresses, nightgowns, pantyhose, etc...and what happened next? I was either stupid, or subconsciously wanted to be discovered and understood for liking this so much. This was not to be the case. I was discovered by my mother, laying in my bed asleep, wearing one of her nightgowns and a pair of pantyhose. I had snuck them out of my mother's room and fell into such a blissful, happy sleep while wearing them. So, my mother was very upset, stammering with anger, and asking all sorts of questions, like, "Do you want to be a woman?" "Do you want our family to find out about this?" Of course, both of my answers were no, although I was too young at that point to realize that the answer to the first question would become a "yes" in the future. The conversation, such as it was, ended with an order to stop doing this so that I wouldn't bring shame onto the family.

But I have yet to hear of anyone crossdressing and just stopping. For me, it would go away for awhile and then come back. When I was 17, I had my first real girlfriend, Sandy. Somehow I managed to tell her about my love of women's clothes and makeup. She thought it was cool, but I don't think I ever let her see me with them on, I was way too shy. But she gave me some of her clothes, and even some makeup. Maybe my mother figured out that these were Sandy's clothes, because when going up to my room with Sandy (my father used to drive me to the train station to pick her up), we saw the clothes piled on my bed. Just her way of saying, "I know about this." But just imagine, if Sandy had not known, she would've found out about my crossdressing in this manner...!

Soon after that little situation, I had gotten a job and was able to buy things for myself. Alas, it was to be a waste of money, as I would buy things, hide them, my mother would throw them out, I would buy more things and find a new hiding place (always in my room), they would be found and thrown out, rinse and repeat. I even stuffed a bunch of clothes into an unused amplifier for my neglected guitar. Anyway, after about ten months, Sandy and I broke it off. We both just started liking other people, is all.

Enter college days. Somewhere after high school, I started wearing the spandex pants and shorts that were so popular during the `80's. I would wear women's or men's, I liked them all. It was probably because they hugged my legs like pantyhose would, that I liked them so much. I have always loved tight-fitting clothes regardless. My next girlfriend was Millie, and she seemed to almost have a love/hate thing going as far as my crossdressing went. Well, she was very hot and cold with me in general also. She thought something was psychologically wrong with me for doing it, yet she was also very interested in it, and she used to go to the library to read about it. Yet I suppose because she just wanted to make me happy, she gave me one of her wigs and a few makeup items (her clothes were way too big for me). She was a hairdresser, and always wore lots of makeup. I always wanted her to make my hair up in some pretty style (it had a little length to it at this time), or to put makeup on me, but she never went for it. Anyway, she really got angry when I confessed to her that I had gone out in public wearing women's clothes, for the first time. I wore the wig that she gave me (which was kind of poofy and out of control), some makeup (I tried to use powder to cover the shadow on my face, but it didn't really work), and one of my sister's dresses, black pantyhose and high heels (she was in her mid-teens at this point, and they fit me almost perfectly). I actually went down to the college which I was attending at the time, and sat in the lobby of the Student Center. It was very exciting, yet as a few students started to stare and point in my direction, I figured that it would be best if I left. I drove around for awhile, then went home, only to panic at seeing that my brother had come home in my absence! Here I am, wearing a wig, girl's clothes and makeup, stuck outside. I had no regular clothes to change into, and he could be home all day... and then my father would come home. So I had to go inside and sneak upstairs looking all pretty. That was at least 10 years ago and my heart is pounding in my chest right now just thinking about it! Well, I was lucky enough to get up into my room unseen. I didn't go out again for quite awhile. And oh yes, Millie wanted her wig back after that.

Awhile later, Millie "disappeared" on me. She just never seemed to be home and didn't return my calls. Whenever I came by the house, I was told she wasn't home, or I was just told to leave. I found out later that she had told her parents about my crossdressing, and they had ordered her not to see me again. Very soon after that, I met Vanessa. I told her pretty quickly about my crossdressing, and at first she seemed to be okay with it. At my request, she fixed my hair and put makeup on me, and we even made love that way. This was pretty unbelievable for me, like a dream come true, but I found out that at the time it had made her really upset. She has an attraction to both men and women, so she said it confused her. So while she accepted me dressing in women's clothes, she no longer wanted me to do it around her, or to go out in public like that as well. I did shave my legs once, during the winter when they would be covered up by pants, but she didn't like that very much.

Sometime during our relationship, I got a P.O. Box and ordered some things from Frederick's of Hollywood, most notably a new wig. A nice one this time, although it was a shade or two too light for me. I took some pictures of myself in the house and out in the backyard when nobody was home. The backyard scenes are the nicest, I still love them. That natural light just gave off such a soft look. [These are the pictures featured in this blog entry.] Also, I had decided to keep my clothes in a public storage locker, since my mother kept throwing them out. I had them in there for several months, and one day, upon going to retrieve some things from there, I found the locker broken into. The lock was broken right off of the door, and all of the clothes were gone! Who would steal a bunch of women's clothing? To this day, I wonder if my mother was behind it. I went down to the police department with Vanessa to file a report, but of course they weren't going to open a case on a few hundred dollars worth of clothes.

Next up came my "dirtbag attack," as I sometimes call it. I was feeling trapped in my relationship with Vanessa. I wanted to grow my hair long, wear my tight, skimpy clothes (men's clothing, but skimpy athletic wear mostly), get my ears pierced, etc... and all of these things she greatly disapproved of. She ended up having to go into a mental hospital for a month, and during that time, I met another patient there, by the name of Christina. I got a big crush on her, and ended up leaving Vanessa for Christina. Christina was 17 (almost 18) at the time, and learning disabled. So yes, I made a pretty messed-up decision. But my just desserts come later.

When I told Christina of my crossdressing, she was very upset, and she ended up telling her sister, Donna. I was very uncomfortable about this, but Donna said it was normal and all that. Somewhere along the line, she became very hurtful to Christina (Donna had mental problems also), and I had to pick up Christina from a sleepover at her house. She basically kicked Christina out when I got there. We ended up having to call the police, because she wouldn't let us get Christina's medicine and other items from her house. She then followed me to my car, even with the policeman there, screaming that I wore girl's dresses like a sissy boy, and I was a fag, etc... all at 9:00 in the morning! So all the neighbors came out, and a good time was had by all... except the two of us.

Sometime after this, I shaved my legs again, and also my stomach and chest. I loved the smooth, silky feeling. But Christina didn't like it too much, so I didn't repeat the torso shaving again, although I did shave my legs a few more times.

Anyway, it eventually turned out that Christina was more receptive me to me getting dressed up, and somewhere around this time, I came up with the name of Jessica. Whether she really didn't mind, or was just trying to please me, I'm still not sure. The end result of either was that she agreed to come out with me when I was dressed. We went out four times. I'll briefly sum it up. We went to Burger King, and some guy thought I was a gg. He said to his friend that I was hot (Christina heard it). We went to Sears and tried on dresses together in the women's fitting room. We went to the mall, and I actually fixed my makeup right in the busy women's bathroom! We went to Taco Bell, and the man behind the counter called us "ladies." We went to the library. We went to a park, and she took lots of photos of me. I had little or no trouble with anyone until what was to be our last outing. I was in Macy's, trying on some clothes in the women's fitting room. Upon exiting the fitting room, I was greeted by security. "You can't use the women's dressing room, you must go in the men's room." Embarassed as hell, I left the store and entered the mall. Some black guy in the mall yelled out, "That's a man!" I tried to ignore all this and still have a good time, but then when walking into JC Penny's, I passed by Vanessa's brother, Greg! He did look at me, but I wasn't sure if he recognized me at all. After all this, I decided this was enough, and I ended the day as it was. (I later found out that he did recognize me, and he was upset about it.) In short, this day ruined the desire to dress up for me. Eventually, I wanted to do it again, but Christina didn't want to join me anymore, and she didn't want me going out alone either. So that was that.

Christina got pregnant over the summer of 2000, and we got married in January, 2001. Our daughter, Brittany, was born in March, and we moved into a condominium in April. I was free to dress however I wanted in the privacy of our home, but going out was still a no-no. I tried to get all that I could out of it though. I was able to go out wearing lip gloss, girl's denim "short shorts" in the summer, and black stretchy bell-bottoms in the winter. I had my night job, and Christina got a day job at a child care facility. I almost forgot to mention that in Christina, I had found someone whose clothes fit me. In fact, she gained a lot of weight during her pregancy, so her old clothes were now too small for her. So I "inherited" a bunch of nice things. So that was a big plus. But then for some reason, Christina turned into a psycho. Not coming home from work and not calling, spending no time with me at all, always out somewhere, screaming her head off at me for no reason at all... Then she wanted me to stay at my parent's house for a week. I refused, scared that I wouldn't be welcomed back to my new home again. But a week or two later, after her screaming at me and insulting me in front of my friends, and me subsequently smashing my hand through a glass panel lamp, I ended up going back to my parent's house after all. And there I stayed.

But a good thing came out of all this. Not only did I come to be in a much more stable environment (though I missed my daughter very much), but I was also free to explore my feminine side. Mind you, I have to be careful to not let my parents or siblings find out, but now I have the car to myself, and the freedom to go where I want, and when I want. Once I got my computer back online, I did some searching on the internet, looking for some salons in the city that would do a makeover on me. What did I find, but a place on Long Island, just 40 minutes away! (http://www.femmefever.com/)

The rest is history. I decided to change my "femme name" to Amethyst, Amy for short. I did this not only to signify a new beginning, but also just in case my "soon-to-be-ex-wife" decides to search the internet for my old name, since she knows the full name that I used. And that brings me up to my first entry. It was a long journey, but I feel that it's only just beginning.

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Being a Woman: A Blurry Line?

The following is a cross-post from the TransCanada blog. The original post can be found here:

http://tgnotwhatyouthink.blogspot.com/2009/09/bending-breaking.html

My two comments there were so long (and I did a good job, I think) that I decided to make my own blog of it. Some minor things have been altered. Comments welcome, of course.

Years ago, I hung out with a large group of crossdressers and went to drag shows and such. I was a transgresser,  a gender non-comformist. I wore makeup and feminine clothing, yet often didn't try to pass as female. (It's all documented in my "blast from the past" entries, and I had coined my own term, "duplex mode" to refer to that mode of presentation.) I had a lot of fun and I really didn't care what people thought. Now that I've realized I'm a transsexual (running strong for six years), I care. Sometimes I care too much what people think.

I hate to say it, but I don't consider drag queens or crossdressers to be women.

Drag queens probably wouldn't care either way. "Hey, honey... I'm not a woman... but I look dammmmm good!"

Crossdressers would probably be a bit irate. "I'm every bit of a woman as you are." Well... if they were, wouldn't they at least have the desire to transition, even if they weren't able to?

Keep in mind that I'm also polite in mixed company, and always refer to crossdressers as women and use the correct pronouns. It would be disrespectful not to.

Near the end of my outings (in more than one sense of the word!) with my crossdressing friends, I found that they were hindering my ability to be seen as female. I was sitting at a bar with two crossdressers. One looked really good. The other... ehhh, not really. I overheard these women at the bar when I was coming back from the bathroom. "That one is a man! What about the one next to her?" "Yeah, I think that one is too. What about the one who went to the bathroom? She is kind of pretty." I sat down. They stared at me and then looked at each other, nodding their heads and smiling. Dammit! I felt so bad but I really wanted to ditch my friends and find some genetic girls to hang out with. That made me feel terrible because they were my friends!

So it would seem that you are either female inside, or not. But isn't gender more like an ocean? You know, like these Myspace or Facebook quizzes that everyone takes. "You are 80% female." So I'm 20% male? Is that because I like computers, comic books and D&D? I recently read of some transsexual woman from overseas, who said that she believed herself to be 45% male, and 55% female. Her therapist agreed with her, and wouldn't give her the letter she needed for GRS. I don't think that's right.

I would think that if you were more male than female inside, you're a man. If you're 30% female and 70% male, then you would generally have no problem being being called a man and seen as one. You would probably not experience any dysphoria. But with such a large percentage of femininity in you, that might need some release via crossdressing, or maybe in some other way. It's often hard to tell who is a crossdresser and who is a transsexual, because nobody can be sure of these percentages. This often includes the person in question.

I'm not an elitist. So many crossdressers have said that they're envious of my long hair, boobs, and that I never have to hide anything. I do think that most of them realize the sacrifices one must make in order to transition. Yeah, I have all those things, and more. But look at what I don't have. Family, friends (though I'm making new ones), being gendered as something other than what I'm trying my best to present - female, a job (I seem to impress them at the interview, and then I'm sure they run my background check and see my old name), and the list goes on and on. Some of them might transition if they didn't have to lose those things. Or maybe they just enjoy waking up in the morning after a drag show and spending a day as nothing more than the average male.

It's hard for many transsexuals to imagine wanting some "guy time," and it's hard for many crossdressers to be able to see how a transsexual could have GRS and "cut it off," since they often prize that aspect of their antatomy. Transsexuals have more of a drive to be live as a woman. It's a full time job. Crossdressers (those with a greater percentage of male than female) enjoy femininity as a part-time job. No benefits, no 401K, but then they enjoy their other job and don't want to give that up.

Hey honey, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

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Lots of Happenings Happening (Blast From the Past Entry)

This pic is supposed to be of me in a box or something. Silly, no?

We're now caught up to 2006. Still no mention of any transsexual topics here, since many on my friend list had no idea I was one. The trip I mentioned below turned out okay, although I ended up driving south through Washington DC and ended up on the same road I needed to head east on... two hours away. It ended up being a 13-hour drive. I got stopped by a policeman 30 minutes from the motel. When he went back to his car to check my license and such, I panicked because I felt like the car was still moving! Anyway, I got a ticket and mailed in the payment. Can you imagine if I had to show up in court?

And the "certain someone" that I pointed out below? That didn't pan out. She was my first date in four years, but she was full of... ummm... malarkie. That's right, full of malarkie. What the hell is "malarkie" anyway? But I digress. I sort of met my fiancee, Nikki, because of this girl, so I don't regret meeting her or any of that stuff. :P

You can also my see my addiction to DragonLance novels at the end.



Friday, March 03, 2006
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Current mood: Too many to list

As some people may have noticed, I don't post a lot of blogs. Well, there really hasn't been a whole hell of a lot going on...until now. Christmas was nice, New Years was nice,I didn't have anyone to share Valentine's Day with, so that was kind of a bust. Everything else has been pretty much the same old same old. Working, eating, sleeping, reading, meeting some cool people on this site, and not much else besides that. But now I have news. First, the bad news, then the so-so news, then good news...

First and foremost, Brad (Sena on my friends list) is leaving. Brad and Nessa split up some time ago, yet remained very close friends. Nessa has been going through other heartaches and problems lately, and now he is going back to Pennsylvania on top of that. But I realize that he must go his own way and do what's right for him. I will miss him dearly. He will be leaving tomorrow while I am at work. Tonight I am buying him and Nessa dinner...whatever his tummy desires. I will be watching over Nessa and doing my utmost to insure that she's okay. I will always consider Brad to be a dear friend and wonderful person. My fondest wishes go out to him, and I will be keeping in touch, of course. I hope that he finds happiness and contentness where he is going. I miss him already.

Secondly, I will be driving down to North Carolina a week from today, to see my daughter. I haven't seen her since Christmas. Her dumb-ass mom got knocked up for the second time by a man who lives in another state from her. She is due to have this baby soon, so she is unable to drive my daughter up like she has been. It seems very probable that I will be driving down there in May as well. I have never driven this far or this long before. I was told that it would take about 9 hours without stopping. Well, I imagine I'll have to use the bathroom, eat, stretch my legs, etc...so it may take slightly longer. And if I get lost...ugh, I don't even want to think about that! I am looking forward to seeing my little one, of course...but I'm dreading all that driving into unfamiliar lands.

Lastly, I want to say HELLO HELLO! to all the wonderful new friends that I have met on this site. :) I have met some truly cool and interesting people here, and I am so glad that I got to know you all. A special hello goes out to this one certain someone. Maybe you know who you are. I am very glad we met. :)

I have no idea what to make my "current mood" icon. Worried, sad, happy, excited, contemplative, nervous, hopeful...? I guess "other" works.

Currently reading:
Fistandantilus Reborn (Dragonlance Lost Legends, Vol. 2)
By Douglas Niles
Release date: 01 July, 1997

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Farewell to Long Hair (Blast From the Past Entry)

These were pictures taken at a dinner and dance event known as CDM. It was held in New Jersey, and no, I don't know what CDM stands for. Crossdresser something, probably. I went with the usual girls from FemmeFever. As you can see, I did my makeup a little heavier like I used to. I figure I would do so since it was a dress-up event. I also loved that pink and purple eyeshadow combo, which I still have, but don't use anymore. I don't remember too much about this event, and I have only a few pictures.

What I do remember is that I had to cut my hair shorter a few days later. I was starting a class at Chubb Insititute for computer networking, and they had a dress code. I was so upset about cutting it short. Back in the late `90's, my hair was down to my behind, but I didn't take care of it. It looked like crap. I didn't mind getting it cut off, and it was actually a relief. In 2004, well... just look at these photos. I took good care of my hair, and I could really make it look nice. The hairdresser just asked me if I was sure, and I told her, "I don't want to. I have to." I cried after leaving the salon. I felt totally defeated.

Me with some woman named Kim that I met there.

I let it grow out while I was at Chubb, a 10-month course (more on that in the next entry), but it didn't get to a length I liked until late 2005. Until then, I wore my wig a few more times. My therapist really helped me through this. My therapist in New York was one who specialized in GID (Gender Identity Disorder). Since I moved to Michigan, I've been unable to see a GID therapist. I wish I could see the therapist I had in New York, maybe by webcam or something. Heh.

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