What If...?

Alternate realities just fascinate me. Just think, an infinite amount of Earths, where things could be radically different, or changed so subtly that nobody could tell the difference. It could be the difference between someone getting hiccups or not. Or it could be... What if Osama Bin Ladin had died when he was five years old?

What does this have to do with me? Well...

What If Amy Had Been Born Physically Female?

Sometimes I wonder what I would be like today if I was born into the correct physical form to match my gender identity. What would I have been like growing up? Would I have been popular in high school? Would I be as much of a girly girl as I am now? What would I be doing with my life? Would I be working? And if so, would it still be in the computer field? Would I have still gotten into comics? Would I be straight or lesbian?

It's easy to just say, "Of course I would still be gay!" "Of course I would still love makeup, cute clothes and computers!" But what made me this way in the first place? Let's break it down...

My shyness was most likely caused by being stuck in a boy's world during my early years. I didn't know how to act, what to do... what not to do. So perhaps I would not have been shy in this other world. Maybe I still would've been. It's hard for me to picture myself as ever being outgoing, but who knows...?

Popular in high school? That would depend partly on the shyness factor. (See above.) It's nice to picture myself as being prom queen or something, but who knows...?

I hope I would be working, and I probably would be. Without the trans factor to prevent some employers from considering me, finding work would be easier. I like to think that I would've gotten into computers no matter what, but perhaps I grabbed onto this hobby (as it was back in the early 80's) in an effort to find something that was deemed "okay" for me to have an interest in. Maybe I would've gotten interested in hairstyling instead. It baffles me to think of myself as a person who struggles when dealing with computers, but who knows...?

Comic books, ditto. My parents didn't mind me liking comics. The boundary was clearly defined. I wasn't allowed to have Wonder Woman or Bat-Girl action figures. (Maybe the styleable hair did it?) I could have any male action figure I wanted, but females were not allowed. So hey, maybe I would've gotten into Barbies instead, particularly because then my parents would think it unsuitable for me to read comic books. But who knows...?

And finally, straight or gay? Well damn it is so hard for me to imagine liking men. I don't find a single thing about them that's attractive. But if I was expected to like them, then maybe I would be conditioned into finding them attractive? This one is the toughest for me to imagine. Sorry, I think I would've loved women no matter what. But... let's say it... who knows...?

Don't get me wrong, I don't often agonize over how great things could've been for me if my sex and gender matched. It's just fun to think of the possibilities, and to try to imagine how radically different - or how much the same - I would've been.

You know what really blows my mind? If I would've been born with a male brain to match my male-born body! I think I would have been so different, that... well... you couldn't even say it was me anymore.

I actually love myself just the way I am.