Halloween at Silver Swan (Blast From the Past Entry)

These pics were already posted last summer, in this entry, but I couldn't find the "story" to go with it. Now that it's found, and since most of my followers were not around in July, why not post the pics again?

This was a good time for me on Halloween, about oh... seven and a half years ago. The Silver Swan is now closed, sadly. But check out my silver (and blue) wig! This was a really neat outfit. I think I would look much better in it today. I always cringe when I see the old pictures with that shadow on my face. Ick!



October 26, 2002
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Tonight was the Halloweeeeen celebration.  :)  Well, it was actually the Saturday before Halloween, since I have work at 11 p.m. on October 31st. Anyway, I put an email out to the girls in the FemmeFever online group. I was considering either Silver Swan in New York City, or Thunders, in Huntington, Long Island. Judging from the responses I got (which were many), Ina's at Silver Swan was the place to go. I managed to get a group consisting of me, Vanessa, Michelle, and Cecile (Michelle's gg girlfriend), who both Vanessa and I would be meeting for the first time.

After much deliberation, I got myself a space girl outfit, a purple and silver bodysuit with a corresponding skirt. I topped it off with black lace gloves (I had to cut off the tips myself, but they look great), a space gun (which was a Star Wars "Amidala" pistol), a beautiful, long blue and silver wig (which smells like candy), purple nail polish, a $20 tiara (not a plastic cheapie one), black fishnet stockings from Victoria's Secret, silver sparkly high heel sandals from Baker's, and a blue and white garter belt. ;) Whew!

I got ready at Vanessa's house (her mother had recently said that I could get dressed there, which makes things much easier), and we left to go to Michelle's house. Unfortunately, I left my camera at Vanessa's house! Argh! We had a lot of trouble finding Michelle's house, but a quick call to her (on my cellphone) fixed that.

I was a little nervous on meeting Michelle for the first time, seeing as this was my first time meeting anyone who was crossdressed. But I soon become much more at ease. Michelle was dressed as a very tall french maid (she even served us cheese and crackers), and Cecile was dressed as a goth girl. She's very pretty, and she told us that her hair is naturally blonde, but she had a dark-haired wig on that night. Vanessa was pretty goth-looking also, but more of a vampire look, especially her vampire fangs (not those plastic novelty things, these are actually sharp, and they fasten onto the real teeth). We chatted for a bit, then headed out to New York City. Luckily, Michelle knew the city very well, so we just followed her and Cecile. We almost lost them at one point, but it was very easy otherwise. We found a side-street not far away from Ina's, and walked over. I had a lot of fun getting looks and shooting passing cars with my laser gun. :)

There was a $5 cover charge, which is pretty cheap, but the drinks (gin and tonic) were $8 each! Ouch! I had run out of money somehow, and ended up charging $16 on my credit card to pay for two drinks. We had a great time though. Two or three male admirers wanted to take pictures of me, so I made sure to pose nice with my little gun. Another tg gal there thought I had sewn the costume myself! (I wish I could do that.) A gg (I think she was anyway) asked me if I was a lesbian. Ha ha! I realize now that she probably wanted to know if I like gg's or not, but being new to this, and having a few drinks in me, I was pretty confused. She also was fascinated by Vanessa's pointy fangs, and wanted Vanessa to bite her, so she did!

The four of us danced a little bit, and we took some pictures with Cecile's digital camera. Before we left, some guy who looked just like Pauly Shore (same face, hair, bandanna, confused look, everything!) was asking me all sorts of silly questions, like, "Why do you like to dress this way?" and, "How long have you done this?" He wasn't unfriendly at all, it just seemed funny that he was asking me this in a bar full of crossdressers. Maybe he was taking a survey or something, hehe. In fact, I told Vanessa just that, and she flipped out on the guy. Way too overprotective there...he wasn't bothering me at all. So I felt bad for him, lol! I guess I shouldn't have told her.

We followed Michelle and Cecile back to the bridge out of the city, at which point we would know the way back. Unfortunately, we followed them right into the "Easypass" lane, and I don't have an Easypass! So the guy had to come over and ask us tons of questions before taking our money and letting us go. When getting back to Vanessa's house, I found my camera, and she took a few pics of me. Then we called it a night.

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Odds and Ends

It's been a week or so since I last blogged. Things have been pretty quiet until the last few days, and now I've finally gotten some time to post it all.

First of all, as you might be able to see from the photos, I've recolored my hair. (And I also love girls. LOL!) I used the same color as last time, L'Oreal Feria Power Reds Ruby Rush. I remarked on what a light red it was at first, and a few of you wanted to see what it looks like right after I color it. Well, it didn't look quite so shocking this time. It's maybe a tad redder than the picture in the link provided above, but then said picture was taken a week later. I guess because I still had a lot of the old red in my hair still, or my hair got "used" to the color? Who knows? I do love the way it looks right now. I hope it doesn't wash out too quickly!

Also in the same post, I mentioned these tights that I wear sometimes when I go walking. I'm wearing them in the photos shown here. My therapist thought they were leather pants. Nope. I do have leather pants, but wow I'd probably have to lose 20 to 30 pounds to fit into them again. Last time they fit, I didn't have hips and a butt. It's amazing how fat on females is stored in different places than on males. And yes, the leather pants that I speak of are women's pants, just small!

By the way, I've lost seven pounds in a month and a half! From 163 down to 156. I wanted to lose 20 pounds before Arizona, so I may have to step it up a bit. I've still been eating fast food and such lately, thinking that walking alone might do the trick. Guess not. Three years ago, I was 135. That's pretty good for my height and bone structure (I'm built rather small), and I could fit into all my clothes again if I got back there. Well... almost... I don't think the leather pants would even fit at 135 pounds.

Next! (And this is not in order of importance!) We have an Arizona apartment approved and ready for us! It has three bedrooms (one more than we have now), two bathrooms, a private patio, a washer and dryer (Yay! We need those appliances so bad!), a dishwasher, and all the usual amenities. There's central air A/C, which is much better than those swamp coolers I've been hearing about. (I've been told that they're big machines that sit outside and pump in non-cooled, moist air into the apartment, making you all clammy and such. Ick!) We haven't paid them yet, as we haven't seen the apartment in person. But we hear that it's in a good area, and the pictures look good. Keep your fingers crossed for us? The amount of money we have to pay to move in is surprisingly small, which makes me skeptical. But I hope, I hope, I hope! My mother is kindly paying for the moving truck (Penske), and we already have the money saved to move in. We're working on gas and miscellaneous expenses... well Nikki is actually, since I'm not making any money. Anyway, it's going to cost about $500 in gas to get down there. We have some of that saved. We have 28 days to go. Four weeks! Wow. I can't wait! Even Skylar said she can't wait. What a cutie. She turns four on May 17th!

My tattoo is on Saturday! (I wrote about it here.) I can't wait for that too! Nikki's worried that I might bleed too much (due to it being over my port wine stain birthmark... see that entry), or it won't come out good. Nikki is a born worrier though, while I am sometimes dangerously optimistic. I'm just excited and so looking forward to this. You can bet you'll read about my experience here, with some pics, of course.

As I mentioned earlier, I've been walking a lot lately. I've had some interesting experiences, that's for sure. Some guy kept honking at me in his SUV. He then turned around and followed me, and tried to turn into a parking lot that was up ahead of me. Traffic on the other side kept him waiting, and I passed the entrance to the parking lot before he was able to turn. He came out and tried to do it again at another parking lot. Same thing. Ha ha! He honked again and drove away. Thank goodness he gave up!

Oh, and some guy came up to me and shook my hand (!) and asked me if I had any cigarettes... or money (!). I told him I don't smoke, and nope, no money. I hightailed it away from him as he uttered some non-intelligible words in reply. Oy! What else? Some guy on the back of a garbage truck yelled out, "Shake it, baby!" Something like that. I had some girl smile and wave at me. Maybe she thought she knew me. But then another girl was just staring at me and smiling from her car. I wasn't even wearing my pride bracelet! And lots of men staring. And old ladies. I'm not sure what's up with the old ladies. Sometimes I enjoyed the attention (as long as they were in their cars and didn't start following me), and sometimes I felt kinda creeped out. Go figure.

I got this bag (from Xhilaration) to keep my water, cellphone, money and other stuff in while I walk. It kind of looks like this, only the strap is black as well. (Too bad, it looks nice with a pink strap...) I love it, and Nikki says it looks like "rocker chick." Or is that "rocker chic?" Before this, I was walking around carrying my jacket or a Wal-Mart shopping bag to put this stuff in when I didn't have any pockets with my outfits (which is 90% of the time). This is much much better. Cute and no hands required. Sarah and Savannah also got some bags, since they loved mine so much. Sarah got a denim hobo bag with a matching hat, and Savannah got a small green bag.

And that's all my news. I surely can't think of anything else. I'll probably post another "blast from the past" on Friday night, and then on Saturday night, the results of my tattoo. Wish me luck!

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Random Venting...

[ Brandy ft. Neyo - Decisions ]

Some days I just wish life were a bit simpler. You remember how when you were a kid, everything seemed extra amp’d? Colors seem more vibrant, days lasted longer, happiness was fuller through your eyes, and you were just unstoppable. But now, you see your world crumbling little by little; people struggling left and right of you. Now you and your family seem to be stuck in this world for survival. Everyone has his or her baggage, problems, issues, situations; that’s what’s been keeping us together as one. That is one huge thing we all have in common no matter what color, shape, shade, religion, beliefs; it don't matter because in the end we’re all at a struggle. I just felt like I had to vent a little, my bad if this blog seem a bit downing for some of ya’ll; some times you just need to vent and spill out your heart and guts. Take a breather from your every day life yanno? It’s as if we are programmed to do the same thing every single day for the rest of our last breathing life. Maybe I’m not making sense or maybe I am. Depends how you see this, if ya’ll know me, ya’ll know I’m definitely a daydreamer; these things do cross paths into my daily dreams. You just can’t help but think how much longer can everyone hold on? How much longer can your family hold on? Can you hold on for the sake of the ones you love most? Or is love just an overrated myth? Maybe our brains were shot up with an IV – dose of love before we we’re even able to have one underestimation thought of it. Whatever it is, Love is what keeping us going like an energizer bunny which been charged and wired up. Why do people do things that are considered ‘wrong’ or ‘right’? Why is it that every single aspect of our lives is being judged? Or has a rule, restriction, or tamer? I really don’t know, these are questions that not any human mind sum up on the daily basis. Why am I the unusual one from the rest? Just because I think about this and they don’t? Does that mean I don’t belong in this world? The other day my sister had asked me when did grandma (my mom’s mom) die while she was in the living room with my mom and aunts (from my dad’s side) talking. For a quick recap, I am extremely close with my grandmother; she basically took care of me as I grew up. Took me to elementary school there and back home, fed me after school and what not. Because my parents had to work, siblings had school; so I was hanging out with my grandmother a lot when she was here. It still hurts to this very day to hear about my grandmother, so when she asked when she had passed; I looked at my left hand (where my tat of her rip date is) and my eyes just filled up in tears. I didn’t cry, but it’s amazing how a human heart can be filled with so much pain still over the years. I overheard my mom mention to my aunts, explaining why they had asked me for the exact date and why I would know because I loved my grandmother very much and how close to her I was, so I had her tatted on my left hand. So for the rest of my life and the days I live I can see her every morning as I wake up. My aunts were surprised how close I was, to see that my mom couldn’t even remember the exact date and had to ask me. And I know every one still has wounds from their past, but it’s okay because you’re not alone; just remember how you are feeling, someone out there is having it 10x worse than what you’re going through. You know how that goes, when something is old news, such as a old cut on your skin; it doesn’t matter any more to others after that ‘moment’ has passed, but what if you’re alone and that wound had opened up again? You don’t want to be a pain in the ass and mention/show it again to them, so you stay quiet and keep it to yourself; even if it is the closest person to your heart. Because YOU DON’T WANT TO BE A BOTHER. That is why I write, since I was twelve; journals, diaries, now blogs. Rather if you care of not, I don't care, this is for my own personal reference; it is MY journal. SOMEWHERE I can put my feelings to, black and white ink; many people don’t understand what’s with blogging, why write your shit out to the open public? Well for me personally I feel that when I post my perspectives out to the open view, that maybe someone out there in the other side of the world can come across it and can relate because they are going through something similar and don't have to feel all alone. Yanno? Some times what's wrong can feel so right. Someone once told me YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE in the life you are in now. So why NOT make the best of it? Thank You if you had read to this point in my blog. That you finished reading my whole random vent blog. Until the next blog, you guys try to appreciate the smaller things in life and not worry about the bigger things so much because 95% of an average person's time goes to stressing over the BIGGER USELESS THINGS that are mainly MATERIALISTIC in life, what's left is that 5% of you. That last 5% of you is YOURS, try to make the most of it and savor.

- EVA

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Dancing at Luxe (Blast From the Past Entry)

An oldie but a goodie. Vanessa is my ex-girlfriend (from `94 to `97), and we got back in touch as friends in 2001. I found one of my earliest forms of acceptance from her. Going out dancing as myself felt just amazing. But I really do NOT miss changing in gas station bathrooms!

The dress pictured below is not the one I wore that night. It had longer sleeves and was much cuter! Oh yes, and Luxe closed a few months later. Now there's another club called "Shy" in it's place. Whatever...



October 11, 2002
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Tonight I went to Luxe with Vanessa... as Amy! I wore a flowery dress with flared sleeves that I found at Sears in the junior's section. I got changed at a gas station, which wasn't very pleasant. But I had nowhere else to go, as I don't know if Vanessa's mother would want me getting ready at their place. So it took me awhile in the bathroom, and someone kept pulling on the door. I was yelling, "There's someone in here!" But he kept pulling and yanking on the door. He then got the attendant, who then told him, "There's someone in there." Duh!

I met Vanessa at the McDonald's near her house. She was very happy to see me, and said that I looked great. She said that if she didn't already know me, she wouldn't even think that I was not a genetic girl. So, off to Luxe. I had brought my camera, but had forgotten the batteries. D'oh! When we went inside, I had to show the doorman my license (with male picture of course), but he didn't bat an eye. I went in and got some drinks, which were only a buck each for the ladies, so I guess I passed okay!

I got a little buzzed, and then I got a little drunk. Then I danced. I just got lost in the music. It felt so good with my wig and dress flowing over me. One guy actually started dancing with me! He was asking me something, but I couldn't hear over the music. It sounded like he may have been asking me what my name was, so I screamed, "My name is Amy!" Well, he didn't hear me either, so whatever. If anyone figured me out, they didn't say anything.

We left around one-something a.m., and we were both a little hungry, so we went to a 7-11 (with me still in my dress!), and I got a chicken parmesan sandwich. It was gooood! We then went back to Vanessa's house, and I changed back. I slept over her house, with the room spinning around me.

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What If...?

Alternate realities just fascinate me. Just think, an infinite amount of Earths, where things could be radically different, or changed so subtly that nobody could tell the difference. It could be the difference between someone getting hiccups or not. Or it could be... What if Osama Bin Ladin had died when he was five years old?

What does this have to do with me? Well...

What If Amy Had Been Born Physically Female?

Sometimes I wonder what I would be like today if I was born into the correct physical form to match my gender identity. What would I have been like growing up? Would I have been popular in high school? Would I be as much of a girly girl as I am now? What would I be doing with my life? Would I be working? And if so, would it still be in the computer field? Would I have still gotten into comics? Would I be straight or lesbian?

It's easy to just say, "Of course I would still be gay!" "Of course I would still love makeup, cute clothes and computers!" But what made me this way in the first place? Let's break it down...

My shyness was most likely caused by being stuck in a boy's world during my early years. I didn't know how to act, what to do... what not to do. So perhaps I would not have been shy in this other world. Maybe I still would've been. It's hard for me to picture myself as ever being outgoing, but who knows...?

Popular in high school? That would depend partly on the shyness factor. (See above.) It's nice to picture myself as being prom queen or something, but who knows...?

I hope I would be working, and I probably would be. Without the trans factor to prevent some employers from considering me, finding work would be easier. I like to think that I would've gotten into computers no matter what, but perhaps I grabbed onto this hobby (as it was back in the early 80's) in an effort to find something that was deemed "okay" for me to have an interest in. Maybe I would've gotten interested in hairstyling instead. It baffles me to think of myself as a person who struggles when dealing with computers, but who knows...?

Comic books, ditto. My parents didn't mind me liking comics. The boundary was clearly defined. I wasn't allowed to have Wonder Woman or Bat-Girl action figures. (Maybe the styleable hair did it?) I could have any male action figure I wanted, but females were not allowed. So hey, maybe I would've gotten into Barbies instead, particularly because then my parents would think it unsuitable for me to read comic books. But who knows...?

And finally, straight or gay? Well damn it is so hard for me to imagine liking men. I don't find a single thing about them that's attractive. But if I was expected to like them, then maybe I would be conditioned into finding them attractive? This one is the toughest for me to imagine. Sorry, I think I would've loved women no matter what. But... let's say it... who knows...?

Don't get me wrong, I don't often agonize over how great things could've been for me if my sex and gender matched. It's just fun to think of the possibilities, and to try to imagine how radically different - or how much the same - I would've been.

You know what really blows my mind? If I would've been born with a male brain to match my male-born body! I think I would have been so different, that... well... you couldn't even say it was me anymore.

I actually love myself just the way I am.

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First Professional Makeover (Blast From the Past Entry)

Wow. I'm reading this and remembering all the body hair I used to have. It wasn't a lot for a guy... but way too much for a girl! Icky. I'm glad all that is long behind me. It feels like a completely different life to me. And I really don't miss the breast forms. It's so much nicer having real ones!

For those who may not have read my past "blasts from the pasts," or don't remember, FemmeFever was run by one woman named Karen, and she did makeovers, photoshoots, and organized events and parties, both at her house and away. She was a doll, seriously, and we got along great. Eventually though, I distanced myself from them because I was often the one transsexual in a room full of crossdressers. Don't get me wrong, I was good friends with a lot of them, but it wasn't what I was about. I thought I was all about dressing and putting on makeup and such, and hey that's fun, don't get me wrong... but along the way, I found me. The real me.

At the time of this writing, I had yet to find her. But oh was I having a blast! Included are some of the pictures that were taken after the makeover.

October 7, 2002

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Today I had my first makeover by Karen of FemmeFever. It was just fantastic! I came with a bunch of clothes and some of my makeup, although she has plenty of both at her house. I actually met Karen a week ago, when I needed someplace to shave my hairy legs and torso. I was in a rush to do it, since I thought that I was going to dancing at Luxe in girl mode with Vanessa, and my mother took that week of vacation off. But it turns out it'll be going to Luxe this Friday. In any case, I shaved for 2.5 hours and ended up clogging up Karen's pipes. :(  I feel really bad about that, but she said it wasn't my fault, since she told me to shower rather than do it in a bath.

Anyway, she showed me how to do the eye makeup, which is by far the most intricate of all. She even shaped my eyebrows using makeup, which I don't think I'll bother to do myself, but it was interesting. I told her that I didn't like the shadow on my face showing, so she put red makeup on my face to cancel out the "blue" from the shadow. Then she covered it with three different concealers and powders. I can still see it a little bit though, so I won't bother with all that in the future. One concealer and one powder is good enough for me. Karen even showed me how to cover my birthmark. She used a green concealer to cancel out the red color of my birthmark, and then covered with two or three different skin-colored concealers or powders.

She made me look beeee-yoo-tiful! She took a photo shoot of me afterwards, and we ended up taking over 100 pictures. We took pictures with four different outfits: a short, green dress that was originally Christina's, a purple kimono-style dress that Karen has in one of her four (!!!) closets, a cute pink skirt and jacket that I bought at Rave Girl, with a stretchy white blouse, and...a thonged leotard that used to belong to my sister. (She threw it out, but I "rescued" it from the trash.) That was quite a risque outfit indeed!

Karen made me feel very comfortable in front of the camera, giving a lot of smiles and nice comments. I also bought breast forms from her (cup size C), and a bra to put them in. The bra has to be underwire so that they don't fall out. I had removed the wires from all my bras that had them, because...well, I didn't really need them (until now), it made them more comfortable. If only I had known. Karen also GAVE me a pocketbook, for free. (It would've been one of the things that would've been given away at the next house party.) It has special holders for two lipsticks, and a blush or powder compact. The breast forms felt weird at first, but after awhile, they warmed up from my body heat, and I almost forgot they were there. They're comforting in a way. When I finally took them off, it felt uncomfortable, as my real breasts had gotten used to the warmth and softness of the silicone.

So, Karen gave me a CD-ROM full of all the digital pictures she took, and I left her house while still in girl mode. I was wearing the green dress that I mentioned earlier. I went to Genovese and bought a few items, went to get gas for my car (I pumped), went through McDonald's drive-thru, and lastly, went into the women's room in Waldbaum's to get undressed back into guy mode. Nobody stared at me or seemed to "find me out," that is, except for two men at Genovese, and one on the road, but they were flirting, not laughing. :) So it was a great time! A few days later, I went back to Karen's to have her take a picture of me in guy mode. If you let her put the pictures on her public webpage (www.femmefever.com), as "before and after" shots, she gives you a $50 discount. So I did that, and while I was there I bought a pair of thigh-high stockings. Anyway, that was my makeover experience.

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I'm Getting a Tattoo!

Yes! On May 1st! I was originally going to get my port wine stain birthmark covered by the picture on the left, but I'll have to alter that a bit. Let me start at the beginning though.

In the beginning... it was bad enough that Amy was born with a physical sex that was at odds with her gender, but she also had this nasty birthmark. It covered most of her arm, all of her shoulder, and even some of her upper back and neck. Luckily, it stayed the same size as I grew, thus took up less room on my body. What a port wine stain is (and don't feel bad, I've met some doctors who don't know this!), is a whole crapload of tiny capillaries that continuously bleed, though the amount from each capillary is much less than half a drop of blood. If you were to look at my birthmark with a magnifying lens, you could see that it's made up of many many tiny red dots. People have always stared at me and made comments about my birthmark. So many people asked me if I had poison ivy, or got burned. I'm so sick of it. It used to look like this (Yes, I've cut the rest of the photo out because I was pre-hormones and my face looked so harsh. I was also sweating, which meant it was probably summer in my parents' house, as they never had any air conditioning):

(My arms haven't been that hairy for a long time now. Ugh.)

Back in 2003 to 2004, I had the birthmark lightened via a form of laser treatment called MultiLight. After six sessions, I couldn't get it to lighten any more than you can see below. It is such a noticeable difference though! Unfortunately, I have a few small scars because I told them to turn up the juice on my last session. The only result I got from that last session was scars. Anyway, I just took this pic...

After the sessions were over, that's when I started wanting a phoenix tattoo to cover it. I've always loved the symbolism of the phoenix, and just the plain look of the thing (the firebird version, that is). It stands for rebirth and renewal, among other things. What better symbol for a trans-person, who's undergoing a miraculous transformation into who they really are inside?

I cashed in my 401K to help move us to Arizona. I decided to keep a few hundred to myself for this tattoo. I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago, and he told me that covering it with a tattoo should work, but I'll probably have more bleeding than the average person (due to the capillaries already being "broken" inside the skin). He told me to stop taking my 81mg of aspirin for two weeks prior to the procedure. I take that to counteract the blood thickening effect of Estradiol in my system.

Nikki's father is friends with a tattoo artist who goes by the name of Happy, and is the owner of Happy Tats. When Nikki got her tattoo last week (see below), I showed him the illustration at the top of the screen, and he told me a few things. He said that yes, it would probably bleed a lot, and if it bled too much, he might have to switch to another area and come back to it once the bleeding stops. He said that it might fade quicker than a normal tattoo and need touch ups. He also said that yellows and oranges would not show over the tattoo, since it's a lighter color. That only left red and pink. I started thinking, "Well, what about blue flame?" He said that part of the blue flame would have to be yellow, in order to look realistic. That stumped me, but I thought later on that a phoenix is a magical creature. Realistic is nice for real-world things, but (as far as I know) a phoenix is mythical in nature. Besides, if he tattoos just outside the birthmark, he could put some yellow there, making the phoenix inside a hotter flame. When I got home, I opened Microsoft Paint and inverted the colors of the phoenix picture. It looks like this:

I like it. I want to take out those black spots and replace them with the silhouette of a female within the phoenix. A silhouette like this:

He said this tattoo will take four or five hours to complete. Nikki will probably be in and out, since that's a long time for anyone to sit around and watch someone poke a needle in someone's flesh. I want to bring my camera and have photos taken at various stages in the process. I am so excited! I'm not worried about the pain. After electrolysis and MultiLight, this shouldn't be too bad. The collarbone might make me wince a bit though. I just hope it comes out right, I don't bleed like a stuck pig, and that I can handle the itching and scabbing afterwards. It's such a big area. I would do it in stages, but we're moving in a month and a half. What's ironic is that I used to be so against tattoos. I was so straightlaced with everything. Getting away from my mother really helped me to not be a jerk. But I digress.

I want to show off the tattoos that Nikki got (also at Happy Tats), so before I sign off, here we go:

Nikki's first tattoo, on her right leg. She loves frogs, and this guy is a toughie!

Nikki got this one on her back to commemorate the twins that died due to a miscarriage back in 1999.

Also on her back. Each fairy is one of our daughters, and Nikki is the sunflower in the middle.

She had a stem put on the sunflower last week, since so many people would think it was a sun.

Nikki got this one on her left leg last week, to remember her father by, since we're moving 2000 miles away from him. Yes, he's a harley dude.

Thanks for reading, and let me know what you think of my upcoming tattoo!

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Origins Revisited (Blast From the Past Entry)

I wrote this back in April of 2003 (wow it's been seven years). What I did was take a few of my looseleaf-written entries and type them up in Word. I completely forgot that I did this until a couple months ago, when I found the document on the hard drive of our older computer (we have two running, and the older one... well, it has trouble bringing up Google at times). I wrote the following as an intro to my "computerized diary." It contains some different info than in my intro on this blog, my first ever blog post. Keep in mind that when I wrote this, it had only been a couple months since I'd realized my transsexuality. The way I put things is not really the way I'd write about it today.

I've included a bunch of pictures of me from 1997. These are the first pictures of Amy as you all know me, and they've never before been put on the net! The quality is not really there, but hey, it was `97.

Oh yes, my name is not really "Amethyst." I decided not to go with that name, as it was a bit outlandish and porn star-sounding. It is my favorite gem though. So here we go...


This introduction is just to bring everyone up to date on my life, particularly my "adventures into femininity." The only question I have now is, where do I start? When did the first manifestation of this feminine side take place?

One could say that maybe it was around the age of eight years old. My parents were repainting our rooms, and they asked what color we would want. My brother picked blue for his room, and I picked purple. (And I got my desire, but this wouldn't go much further, as you will soon see.) Or... if that was not it, then it was definitely somewhere between ten and twelve years old, when I found some little girls' clothes in bags in the guest room closet. They were meant for my sister when she got older, handed down by a neighbor. I was pretty skinny for my age, but of course I could barely fit into these things, as they were for a five or six-year-old. I ended up ripping some of them by just trying to put them on or take them off. Now I was scared at what I had done (plus not understanding why I had tried them on in the first place, not realizing why I liked putting on all the little dresses and skirts). Not knowing what to do at this point, I put all the ripped clothes back, and I acted shocked when asked if I knew anything about it. My mother seemed to think that it could've only been a certain neighborhood kid that would do this, who used to visit me or my brother. That is, until she found a button off of one of the outfits under my bed. That darn button started all the trouble by falling off and rolling under there while I tried on the clothes. I was found out, and when asked why I had damaged the clothes (putting them on was not yet the question yet), I lied and actually made myself look like some kind of psycho kid, by saying that I had ripped the clothes out of pent-up frustration from school.

Nothing much else happened until some time in high school. At this point, my mother's things started to fit me, and I started trying on her dresses, nightgowns, pantyhose, etc...and what happened next? I was either stupid, or subconsciously wanted to be discovered and understood for liking this so much. This was not to be the case. I was discovered by my mother, laying in my bed asleep, wearing one of her nightgowns and a pair of pantyhose. I had snuck them out of my mother's room and fell into such a blissful, happy sleep while wearing them. So, my mother was very upset, stammering with anger, and asking all sorts of questions, like, "Do you want to be a woman?" "Do you want our family to find out about this?" Of course, both of my answers were no, although I was too young at that point to realize that the answer to the first question would become a "yes" in the future. The conversation, such as it was, ended with an order to stop doing this so that I wouldn't bring shame onto the family.

But I have yet to hear of anyone crossdressing and just stopping. For me, it would go away for awhile and then come back. When I was 17, I had my first real girlfriend, Sandy. Somehow I managed to tell her about my love of women's clothes and makeup. She thought it was cool, but I don't think I ever let her see me with them on, I was way too shy. But she gave me some of her clothes, and even some makeup. Maybe my mother figured out that these were Sandy's clothes, because when going up to my room with Sandy (my father used to drive me to the train station to pick her up), we saw the clothes piled on my bed. Just her way of saying, "I know about this." But just imagine, if Sandy had not known, she would've found out about my crossdressing in this manner...!

Soon after that little situation, I had gotten a job and was able to buy things for myself. Alas, it was to be a waste of money, as I would buy things, hide them, my mother would throw them out, I would buy more things and find a new hiding place (always in my room), they would be found and thrown out, rinse and repeat. I even stuffed a bunch of clothes into an unused amplifier for my neglected guitar. Anyway, after about ten months, Sandy and I broke it off. We both just started liking other people, is all.

Enter college days. Somewhere after high school, I started wearing the spandex pants and shorts that were so popular during the `80's. I would wear women's or men's, I liked them all. It was probably because they hugged my legs like pantyhose would, that I liked them so much. I have always loved tight-fitting clothes regardless. My next girlfriend was Millie, and she seemed to almost have a love/hate thing going as far as my crossdressing went. Well, she was very hot and cold with me in general also. She thought something was psychologically wrong with me for doing it, yet she was also very interested in it, and she used to go to the library to read about it. Yet I suppose because she just wanted to make me happy, she gave me one of her wigs and a few makeup items (her clothes were way too big for me). She was a hairdresser, and always wore lots of makeup. I always wanted her to make my hair up in some pretty style (it had a little length to it at this time), or to put makeup on me, but she never went for it. Anyway, she really got angry when I confessed to her that I had gone out in public wearing women's clothes, for the first time. I wore the wig that she gave me (which was kind of poofy and out of control), some makeup (I tried to use powder to cover the shadow on my face, but it didn't really work), and one of my sister's dresses, black pantyhose and high heels (she was in her mid-teens at this point, and they fit me almost perfectly). I actually went down to the college which I was attending at the time, and sat in the lobby of the Student Center. It was very exciting, yet as a few students started to stare and point in my direction, I figured that it would be best if I left. I drove around for awhile, then went home, only to panic at seeing that my brother had come home in my absence! Here I am, wearing a wig, girl's clothes and makeup, stuck outside. I had no regular clothes to change into, and he could be home all day... and then my father would come home. So I had to go inside and sneak upstairs looking all pretty. That was at least 10 years ago and my heart is pounding in my chest right now just thinking about it! Well, I was lucky enough to get up into my room unseen. I didn't go out again for quite awhile. And oh yes, Millie wanted her wig back after that.

Awhile later, Millie "disappeared" on me. She just never seemed to be home and didn't return my calls. Whenever I came by the house, I was told she wasn't home, or I was just told to leave. I found out later that she had told her parents about my crossdressing, and they had ordered her not to see me again. Very soon after that, I met Vanessa. I told her pretty quickly about my crossdressing, and at first she seemed to be okay with it. At my request, she fixed my hair and put makeup on me, and we even made love that way. This was pretty unbelievable for me, like a dream come true, but I found out that at the time it had made her really upset. She has an attraction to both men and women, so she said it confused her. So while she accepted me dressing in women's clothes, she no longer wanted me to do it around her, or to go out in public like that as well. I did shave my legs once, during the winter when they would be covered up by pants, but she didn't like that very much.

Sometime during our relationship, I got a P.O. Box and ordered some things from Frederick's of Hollywood, most notably a new wig. A nice one this time, although it was a shade or two too light for me. I took some pictures of myself in the house and out in the backyard when nobody was home. The backyard scenes are the nicest, I still love them. That natural light just gave off such a soft look. [These are the pictures featured in this blog entry.] Also, I had decided to keep my clothes in a public storage locker, since my mother kept throwing them out. I had them in there for several months, and one day, upon going to retrieve some things from there, I found the locker broken into. The lock was broken right off of the door, and all of the clothes were gone! Who would steal a bunch of women's clothing? To this day, I wonder if my mother was behind it. I went down to the police department with Vanessa to file a report, but of course they weren't going to open a case on a few hundred dollars worth of clothes.

Next up came my "dirtbag attack," as I sometimes call it. I was feeling trapped in my relationship with Vanessa. I wanted to grow my hair long, wear my tight, skimpy clothes (men's clothing, but skimpy athletic wear mostly), get my ears pierced, etc... and all of these things she greatly disapproved of. She ended up having to go into a mental hospital for a month, and during that time, I met another patient there, by the name of Christina. I got a big crush on her, and ended up leaving Vanessa for Christina. Christina was 17 (almost 18) at the time, and learning disabled. So yes, I made a pretty messed-up decision. But my just desserts come later.

When I told Christina of my crossdressing, she was very upset, and she ended up telling her sister, Donna. I was very uncomfortable about this, but Donna said it was normal and all that. Somewhere along the line, she became very hurtful to Christina (Donna had mental problems also), and I had to pick up Christina from a sleepover at her house. She basically kicked Christina out when I got there. We ended up having to call the police, because she wouldn't let us get Christina's medicine and other items from her house. She then followed me to my car, even with the policeman there, screaming that I wore girl's dresses like a sissy boy, and I was a fag, etc... all at 9:00 in the morning! So all the neighbors came out, and a good time was had by all... except the two of us.

Sometime after this, I shaved my legs again, and also my stomach and chest. I loved the smooth, silky feeling. But Christina didn't like it too much, so I didn't repeat the torso shaving again, although I did shave my legs a few more times.

Anyway, it eventually turned out that Christina was more receptive me to me getting dressed up, and somewhere around this time, I came up with the name of Jessica. Whether she really didn't mind, or was just trying to please me, I'm still not sure. The end result of either was that she agreed to come out with me when I was dressed. We went out four times. I'll briefly sum it up. We went to Burger King, and some guy thought I was a gg. He said to his friend that I was hot (Christina heard it). We went to Sears and tried on dresses together in the women's fitting room. We went to the mall, and I actually fixed my makeup right in the busy women's bathroom! We went to Taco Bell, and the man behind the counter called us "ladies." We went to the library. We went to a park, and she took lots of photos of me. I had little or no trouble with anyone until what was to be our last outing. I was in Macy's, trying on some clothes in the women's fitting room. Upon exiting the fitting room, I was greeted by security. "You can't use the women's dressing room, you must go in the men's room." Embarassed as hell, I left the store and entered the mall. Some black guy in the mall yelled out, "That's a man!" I tried to ignore all this and still have a good time, but then when walking into JC Penny's, I passed by Vanessa's brother, Greg! He did look at me, but I wasn't sure if he recognized me at all. After all this, I decided this was enough, and I ended the day as it was. (I later found out that he did recognize me, and he was upset about it.) In short, this day ruined the desire to dress up for me. Eventually, I wanted to do it again, but Christina didn't want to join me anymore, and she didn't want me going out alone either. So that was that.

Christina got pregnant over the summer of 2000, and we got married in January, 2001. Our daughter, Brittany, was born in March, and we moved into a condominium in April. I was free to dress however I wanted in the privacy of our home, but going out was still a no-no. I tried to get all that I could out of it though. I was able to go out wearing lip gloss, girl's denim "short shorts" in the summer, and black stretchy bell-bottoms in the winter. I had my night job, and Christina got a day job at a child care facility. I almost forgot to mention that in Christina, I had found someone whose clothes fit me. In fact, she gained a lot of weight during her pregancy, so her old clothes were now too small for her. So I "inherited" a bunch of nice things. So that was a big plus. But then for some reason, Christina turned into a psycho. Not coming home from work and not calling, spending no time with me at all, always out somewhere, screaming her head off at me for no reason at all... Then she wanted me to stay at my parent's house for a week. I refused, scared that I wouldn't be welcomed back to my new home again. But a week or two later, after her screaming at me and insulting me in front of my friends, and me subsequently smashing my hand through a glass panel lamp, I ended up going back to my parent's house after all. And there I stayed.

But a good thing came out of all this. Not only did I come to be in a much more stable environment (though I missed my daughter very much), but I was also free to explore my feminine side. Mind you, I have to be careful to not let my parents or siblings find out, but now I have the car to myself, and the freedom to go where I want, and when I want. Once I got my computer back online, I did some searching on the internet, looking for some salons in the city that would do a makeover on me. What did I find, but a place on Long Island, just 40 minutes away! (http://www.femmefever.com/)

The rest is history. I decided to change my "femme name" to Amethyst, Amy for short. I did this not only to signify a new beginning, but also just in case my "soon-to-be-ex-wife" decides to search the internet for my old name, since she knows the full name that I used. And that brings me up to my first entry. It was a long journey, but I feel that it's only just beginning.

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I'm "Convinced" That I'm a Member of the Opposite Gender?

I haven't had much to write about lately. We're still waiting to move away from here (50 days to go!), and the kids have been off from school for Easter break and driving us nuts. Today was a particularly boring, rainy day. I wanted to walk, but well... rain. Tomorrow looks to be about the same.

The last time I saw my doctor, he said he was going to read up on me and see what new treatments would be available for transsexuals. I humored him and told him, "Why not?" I saw him a couple days ago, and he gave me a few pages of printout from a website with the address of http://www.uptodate.com/. The material on this website is written by physicians, and also intended for physicians, among others. This is a site that one has to subscribe to, to the tune of $195 annually.

Anyway, my doc printed out the pages having to do with transsexualism. Here are some excerpts, with my thoughts, of course.

"Transsexualism is the condition in which a person with apparently normal somatic sexual differentiation of one gender is convinced that he or she is actually a member of the opposite gender." I was fine until they threw the word "convinced" in there. Well, yes, I'm convinced! Are you convinced that you're the gender that you are? Are you convinced that you're actually reading this? Well, hell yeah! Ahem...

"When hormone treatment starts, or maybe even earlier, the "real life test," or "real life experience" should begin." I disagree, though for many transsexuals out there, this is the way it's gone for them. The way it's been for me, and I think all should have the option, is such:

1) Therapy with a GID specialist for at least three months.

2) Hormone therapy begins.

3) Real Life Test begins whenever patient feels ready to do so.

Why? For MTF's, hormones help your face get softer and more feminine looking. You get breasts and hips due to fat redistribution. For FTM's, facial hair growth and deepening of the voice certainly helps to become more manly in outward appearance. Looking more like your inner gender can definitely help with the RLT.

"Oral 17b-estradiol valerate 2 to 4 mg per day or transdermal 17b-estradiol, 100 mcg twice a week, is the treatment of choice." I'm on 8 mg a day of estradiol valerate. The doctor gave me a raised eyebrow at this, but let me stay at this dosage. I wonder, is it a bit much? I'd been on that dose for years, originally prescribed by my endocrinologist in New York, but then he was a newbie at treating transsexuals as well.

"After two years of estrogen administration, no further development can be expected." Really now? I started HRT (hormone replacement therapy) in July of 2003. I had slow development (in spurts) from then until August of 2007, at which I ran out of my meds and couldn't get any more due to lack of health insurance. That's four years so far with breast growth. I got back on my meds in May of 2008 (via a county-funded health care program), at which I had my biggest growth spurt to date.

There's a lot more to this, eight pages worth in fact. I could always scan this document and save it as a PDF file if anyone wants. Just leave me a comment and let me know.

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Goodbye MY BELOVED SpringBreak 2010!

[ Watching : Charmed ]

hello my loves,
this Spring Break was ONE of the best ones i ever had yet :) it all started on Thursday 04/01/10 morning at round 2am-ish, Juls and I had to run couple errands, he needed to stop by Walmart to exchange some stuff. So we headed out to Union City (which is the only 24hr Walmart) but unfortunately their customer service was closed and we couldn't exchange it. So that was a bummer and Juls had a surprise for me; he threw in a destination into his Navi. And I'm thinkin whats goin on, he tells me we're heading out to LOS ANGELES afterall (b/c we planned to go already this Spring Break but decided not to go in the end), so then we rushed home to pack a small luggage for the trip. Also booked a room at the Kyoto Hotel which was located Downtown La and tickets to 6 Flags Magic Mountain. headed out from SF at 4ish am with the whackk ass weather of rain and cold wind and arrived to LA to a sunny ass day at round 9ish., since we're early and our room wasn't ready yet we decided to go Grab some brunch since we haden't eaten. Yelped around a place that's close to the hotel that was open so early, and i had found Thai City right near Downtown. Juls smart ass used his Navi and went to the wrong City Thai restaurant and ended out in Pasadena instead. but its koo, it was still good. After that we headed back to our room so we can freshen up and have a day of fun at Six Flags Magic Mountain! here are some of the views around our hotel. i was being a straight up tourist :D hahah... Juls was siked that they had a big ass screen outside with the current live games. he was like "WOW, YOU CAN HELLA JUST SIT OUT HERE ON A NICE DAY WITH SOME POPCORN AND WATCH THE GAME". hah. he so wish we had that in the city. i LOVE LA weather and all but i hate the fact that where ever you're going, you HAVE to hit the highway to get anywhere! its ridiculous even if places are close u still have to use to freeway therefore traffic all the time. whackkk. my look of the day, no shadows; simple look w/ heavy bronzer.Juls look of the day, his GLUED on D&G sunglasses and his HUF shirt of the AT&T Giants Stadium. he loves reppin our city. is it obvious? -_-can you tell Juls was quite concentrating on the road? hah. thats because we're not use to the CRAZY LA driving, everyone smashin at fcukin 50-60's on the street and 80-90's on highways. and the roads are always clustered, felt like you got no room to breathe up in this bitch. here are some quick snap shots of the downtown scenes i manage to get. its pretty crazy. Juls and i think its more of the Mission side like in the city. they got crackheads, dealers, side shows, jewelry stores out in the open. felt almost like home. hah. even got Palatero mans selling them creamsicles. alright, here we are lining up for the X2; never rode on it yet. the ride was fun, iono if it was worth the wait; but it was a good ride tho. after a few rides, we had to take a break; or at least i did. to give my head a break from all the spinnings and loops. got a drink, a brownie, and blueberry muffin. the brownie wasn't overly sweet even tho it looks like it is surprisingly. cuz i can't handle shit thats over sweet, like chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and shit. thats waaay too much for me. the brownie brought back old child hood memories when they sold the individual small packaged brownies with walnuts at corner stores (if any of ya'll know what i'm talkin bout), so i really liked it. but that shit was pretty crackin. yummmmy. nice and sweet in my mouth. if only they were some special brownies, the rides would've been a trip! as for that blueberry muffin it was wayy to cold and got harden from being in the fridge too long. booooo. after a long day of fun, headed back to the hotel for a nap then off to dinner. we planned to go to a sushi bar restaurant near by after our quick nap since the restaurant doesn't close til 11pm. but UNFORTUNATELY, we overslept til like 1am!! so we missed the restaurant ): and had to yelp around for another sushi place. cuz we really wanted some sushi. we found another sushi place that was like couple miles away that closes at 2am, so decided to go there. so with my bare face and all, we rushed out to get there before they close; cuz we were starved! we got there and they were closed!! because they were closed that day... which was SUPER PLAYYYYYYED. there was a place opened right by the restaurant that was 24hours, so we just settled for this place called Tomy's which you can see my Yelp review on it. i ordered their Chilly Cheese Hot Dog with a side of Onion Rings. i thot it was weird that they had tomatoes and relish on a chilly cheese dog?? after that ridiculous late night bite we headed back to the hotel to rest cuz we had to leave early the next day. Because we we're goin to go outlet shopping before heading back home to our city. i took a few quick photos of Jul's car, since i never showed ya'll the rear which MAKES THE CAR unique :D the next morning we got up around 12pm to grab some brunch, yelped some places and found this little breakfast place called Nat's Early Bite Coffee Shoppe; which was thee best little brunch place you can find. everything was home-made and yummy! super quick service, awesome food; and home-made. what else can you ask for man. after breakfast we headed out to outlets that were on the way home. did i mention they served breakfast all day long too! so we went to the Camarillo's 160 Outlet Stores. babe checks out the directory to find the stores we want to shop at. i was shopping in this one store and i let Juls pick out some tops for me that he liked me to try on. here is one of them, preferably its not my typical style. he liked it tho. to our surprise while we was shopping babe's pops tells us to stay another night and enjoy LA and that he was down to cover one night of hotel for us to stay longer. we we're like FASHOOOOOOO! haha.... so we definitely had to upgrade from the last hotel.so we booked a different hotel this time in the heart of Hollywood Roosevelt's Hotel. which was a 4star hotel, and damn its pretty nice here. check out our room we got. hehe. it was definitely a UPGRADE from our room at Kyoto's. the best part to me of this room was the BED. King size, more space to roll around and comforters. felt like i was on a cloud. we settled down with our luggage and shit, freshened up once more. headed on out to dinner & a movie. Juls had found a little italian place called Osteria LA BUCA cuz he knows i love italian. i must say this place had the BEST TIRAMISU i had EVER HAD in my life. no joke! it was nice and fluffy, perfectly sweetened. i loved it. the food was good, service was great, dessert was just the icing on top of a cake. after that we made it to the perfect show time for my well waited movie CLASH OF THE TITANS that i've been waiting to watch! btw, this shit was good! i liked it very much. as we were lookin for parking in the lot, guess who we bump into?!?! yes. it is Dorian Gregory a.k.a Darrell Morris from Charmed! which is one of my favoritest tv series besides Friends. i grew up watching this show. so i had to take a photo with this fella. nigga is superrr tall man (we're matching almost), how ironic. hah. but he was really nice about me coming up and asking for a photo with him. damn, he gotten older. hah. but so have i, i was like 11-12 when i watched the show! hahah... that was pretty cool. the next day we headed over to Universal Studios because Juls haven't been there since he was like 7 and i never been there. i'mma leave this blog with this photo. surprisingly this shit was pretty good. the Simpson's ride was hella fun too, but i must say the best ride was THE MUMMY. shit was a trip!! definitely ride that one if ya'll go to US! this was a perfect get-a-way trip that was in need for both me and juls. we had a blast. feel very rejuvenated now. i hope ya'll enjoyed reading my trip as much as i did being there! toodles!


- LOVEVA<3

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