...And Then There's Family.

Hoo boy. Where to begin? Hmmm...

In May of 2003, I wrote a letter, printed two copies, and gave them to my parents. The letter was explaining to them that I'm a transsexual. While we were in the kitchen, I gave them the letter and had them read it. Below is the letter in it's entirety:


Dear Mom and Dad,

This is probably one of the hardest letters I have ever written, and probably one of the hardest you will ever read. This is very hard for me to put into one simple statement, so please be patient with me, and remember that I will always love you two. I'm transgendered, and I have what is known as a gender dysphoric condition. Basically, my mind (my gender identity) doesn't match up with my body (my physical gender). In my mind, I associate with being female. This is a medical condition, and I am seeing a professional therapist to discuss my options. This is not something that was caused by the way you raised me, since you two have always been great parents.

I wanted to break this up into a few sections. I'd like to discuss a little more about how this has affected my life, and just the general sense of how this condition pops up. I also have a book that you can read, called True Selves, which is for family and friends in understanding transsexualism. It might be best to start with chapter 10, and then read from the beginning.

I have been seeing a therapist since early January, and we have been working on ways to help alleviate the anxieties associated with my condition. I have been getting treatments to remove my facial hair. I have also been shaving my legs and chest. I'm sorry that I have been hiding and keeping these things from you, but it's hard telling people the truth when the topic of transsexualism is difficult to explain and comprehend. You might be questioning whether I'm gay or something. But in fact, sexual preference is totally unrelated to gender identity.

So, what is gender dysphoria? Basically, it's a conflict between one's gender identity and their physical gender. There is a very wide spectrum of people that have this condition, but the degree and occurrence vary greatly. There is the basic fetish crossdresser that may wear just a few items of the opposite sex. Then there is the more total crossdresser, or transvestite, who will go for the entire female look. There are also drag queens, who usually take the dressing to an extreme level, and they are usually gay males who have no desire to change genders. Then there are transsexuals who desire to be the opposite sex. At the current time, I know I have a female gender identity, and I am investigating ways that will make me the happiest in the long run.

Scientists have done a number of studies on transsexuals, but they haven't found an exclusive reason for why things are. They do have a few theories. All fetuses start out as female in the womb. As the fetus develops, hormones are released which tell the body to continue developing as a female, or adjust and develop as a male. These hormones also affect the brain. Sometimes these hormones not work as they are supposed to, and the body and mind develop along opposite routes. Scientists have found slight differences between male and female brains, and have noticed a slight difference between regular males and transsexuals. The brains of transsexuals actually appear more like brains of females.

Anyway, that is most of the background on the subject. I know that you must still have a ton of questions. Don't be afraid to ask them. The book that I am lending you also covers the topic of how family and friends deal with a transgendered person. Please try to realize that the people you see on talk shows and in media are not typical of transsexuals. Most transsexuals just try to fit into society leading normal lives, just as the opposite sex. They are doctors, lawyers, social workers, computer programmers, and airline pilots.

I know that I have hit you with a real shocker, but it's something that was going to come out at some point or another. I hope that you will understand that I didn't ask to be this way, it's just the way I am. Because this is not a disease, it's not something that can be cured. No amount of therapy can change your gender identity, the only thing that can be changed is the body, to match the mind. I will always remain the same person inside as I am now. It's only the outside that will be different. I will always be me, regardless of my appearance. I know that this is a hard situation to comprehend. I'm really sorry for any pain or hardship I may be causing you. I hope you can find it in your heart to try to understand.

Love,

R.


My father was silent. My mother, who had been outside, washing the kitchen windows, went back outside to washing the windows. With the windows open, she could hear my father and I talking. He was telling me that he thought I was reinventing myself, since I had never been into sports or cars, and never had many male friends. He told me that trying to be a woman would not make my problems go away. I told him that: a) He had it backwards. I was never into such things because I never was a man inside, and: b) The only problem that I would actually be solving was my gender identity issue. Problems unrelated to that would, of course, remain. My father told me that is his opinion and he's sticking to it. My mother interrupted from outside to tell me that she "cannot accept this, and won't accept this." Throughout the next few weeks, my father was affable but distant as always. My mother remained angry and also distant. They never read the "True Selves" book that I mentioned in the letter. I wanted them to come to therapy with me, but they refused.

My mother and I talked about this again at some point in 2004. She said that she was worried about me, partly because she thought that I would always be alone. She said, "Even if you became a woman and nobody would know the difference, you would be alone because you told me you only like women." I replied, "Mom? Do you know about lesbians?" "Yes, I have heard about lesbians, but what are your chances of findng one of them? It's not like there are very many of them." "Mom... there are two lesbian clubs in our county alone... full of lesbians." "Oh." She left off by saying that she didn't think she could reconcile my transition.

In the summer of 2006, we went to North Carolina to visit Brittany, my only biological child. I was wearing gender neutral clothes and no makeup. At two separate restaurants, I was called "ma'am" or "miss" by the waitress. I was ecstatic, and my parents were stoic. They both later said they didn't notice anyone calling me that. Riiiight. Denial, anyone?

In late 2006, I decided to invite my father out to dinner. Among other things, we talked about my transition and where I was heading. He was very supportive and understanding. He told me that I had to live my life for me and do what makes me happy. He said that my mother will come around eventually. He also asked me how could I possibly use the women's restroom? I told him that even though I am wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and no makeup, most or all of the people in this restaurant see me as female. Heading into the men's bathroom would only freak them out and make me uncomfortable as well.

A couple months later, I had to stay at my parents' house for a month or so. I got into an argument with my mother about Nikki (my fiancee, who was then my new girlfriend). Besides saying in a roundabout way that Nikki was enabling my feminine behavior, she told me that I had traumatized my poor father, and that he was scared that I was going to be arrested for being in the women's bathroom. To this day, I'm not sure if she was exaggerating, or if he was downplaying his feelings at the time. She also told me that she let my brother and sister know about what I was doing. My sister was confused and upset, and my brother wanted to - this is her words - "kick my ass."

Fast forward to last April. After putting it off for a year and a half, I decided to finally tell the rest of the family. I sent out letters to my aunt, my grandfather and my two uncles that live with him, my brother, and my sister. Here's a copy of the one that I sent to my brother:


Dear Daniel,

Hello! I’m sorry that I haven’t been in touch. I miss you all, but there is a reason behind my not contacting you sooner. I have been very hesitant to tell the rest of my family about the huge change I have made in my life. I know that mom and dad have told you at least some of this. They were not pleased to receive the news. They said you were angry about it. It took me a long time to accept and understand this myself, so it would be unfair of me to expect those I love to come to terms with this overnight. I hope you are sitting down!

I am no longer going by the name of R. I had my name legally changed to Amy. I have always felt that I should have been born female. I have been on hormone medication since July of 2003, and in therapy long before that. My girlfriend, Nikki, sees me for who I truly am inside. We plan to be engaged soon. Our kids (Nikki's, from a previous marriage), see me as their "second mom." I blend in very well with the female population. We have made some friends out here, some of whom I’ve told that I am transsexual, yet others seem to have no suspicions, and see me as just an "average female." The reason I changed my last name as well, is because mom didn’t want me to bring "shame" on the family name. Also, we already have an Amy in the family.

I know you will have some questions, so feel free to ask me anything. You can write me back, or just call me at 586-xxx-xxxx (that’s my cell phone number). Of course, I’m not going to tell you not to tell mom or dad that I wrote you, but they most likely will be upset that I did so. Mom is having a particularly hard time accepting this. I feel bad about upsetting those I love, but I have to live life for me. I hope you can understand that. In any case, I hope to hear from you soon, and I pray that this letter finds you well.

Love,

Amy


The only one that I heard back from was my sister. She told me that she let my mother know about the letter, and she was very upset. She also told me that I should "just get on with my life and leave everyone alone, because they most likely aren't going to come around and accept this. It all comes down with the fact that mom is probably never going to get over this, and they're always going to take her side." To my sister's credit, she did tell me that she respects the fact that I have to live my life the way I want to, but also that I should leave everyone out of it. That phone conversation took place in April, and I have heard from no one else. Save for one: my grandmother.

I wrote my grandmother and told her this a few months before everyone else. I had a feeling she would be accepting, despite the fact that she came from a different era (she is now 92 years old). I was right. She wrote back and said that she had no problem at all, and that she always thought I had beautiful hair and eyes. We have been writing back and forth for almost a year now. The following few sentences from her last letter have a place in my heart forever: "I'm not one to talk bad about other people, but I think they should be ashamed of themselves. Someday they're going to look back and regret treating you like this. I love you just as you are, and I will always be your grandma. You're always welcome in my home." Yes, I cried after reading that. In a week or so, Nikki and I will be going out to New York to pick up our kids from their father and grandmother. I hope to visit my grandma at that time. I'm greatly looking forward to that.

Part of the problem lies in the fact that my family and I have always been rather distant. I was brought up that way, with parental love often being more implicit than direct. My gender dysphoria didn't exactly help me get close to anyone either. In my adulthood, I never visited my extended family without my parents being there. Basically, my relationship with them depended on my parents. When I moved out for three years, I saw my extended family three or four times. There was a wedding, a funeral, and two Christmas get-togethers. I think this makes it easier for them them to write me off, since I was rarely seen anyway. That also goes for my brother and sister. I rarely spoke to them, and often didn't know what to say to them. I wish I had been closer with my family, but then again... if I was, I would probably be more hurt than I am now.

Yes, I am hurt. I understand they are having a hard time, and I feel sorrow over it. I just wonder if I will ever speak to them again, and if so... when? I had a birthday last month, and only heard from my grandma. If someone in the family dies, will I even be notified? I just miss my family sometimes.