Monday, November 13, 2006
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Current mood: loved
...sometimes I don't understand it either. You'll think I'm insane. You'll think I'm fooling myself. I have made so many bad choices over the last few years. I have felt strong feelings about people who didn't feel anything back. I have put my heart on the line for people who were cruel and insensitive in return. Believe it or not, it's all different now. Am I the girl who cried wolf, or am I correct in what I say? Decide and think as you will, and I will not blame you.
It's about this wonderful woman that I have met. Her name is Nikki. We met a week ago. I felt something right away. An instant connection. Was it something real, or just something I wanted to be real? I am an incurable and hopeless romantic, and I have always wanted such things. As time went on, we spoke on the phone more and spent more time together. After the second time we saw each other, I was really scared. I was terrified. I was feeling way too much for someone that I had just met. Even for me, this was beyond the norm. A war was going on inside me. I would feel deep, romantic feelings, and I would spend an hour just talking myself down, beating these feelings into submission. It worked for a time, but each instance of this became harder and harder to deal with. It also became more ineffective.
She began to talk to me about her feelings. I was amazed to find that they mirrored mine, which I mostly kept to myself, and from myself. What she said from her perspective, was exactly what I was going through. I started to wonder: Is this real, or is she reading my mind and using it against me? Either possibility seemed impossible.
I stopped fighting last Friday. I admitted to myself how I felt about her, and then expressed it to her. My fears are gone. Mostly, anyway. I still feel as if this is too good to be true. This isn't how things happen for me. What if something changes, or something bad happens?
We are deeply, madly in love. Amy, this is way too short of a time for it to be real love. I know that she is the one I have been looking for my whole life, and she feels the same. Amy, you're reading too much into things. I can sense her mood and her feelings, and she can sense mine. Amy, are you delusional? We both tried keeping our distance, but our walls fell down so quickly. Amy, you're too emotional and you trust too easily. I feel like I have known her for years. Amy, you're just infatuated or obssessed. I already love this woman more than I have loved anyone... ever. Hours pass by like minutes when I'm with her. Amy, she's going to break your heart into pieces!
These are things that I have said to myself, and I'm sure some or all of you are thinking these things now. I have people who care about me, and they don't want me to be hurt. They know I have gone through so much heartache in my life, especially recently. How do I know these things? How can I love someone I have just met, especially with the intensity that I am feeling it? How do I know she feels the same?
I just do. And it just is. I can't explain any of this. There is no logical way to define this. Call it a miracle, call it love at first sight (or second sight), call it finding your love from a past life, call it insanity... call it what you will. It just is. The fact that we are both feeling this way, it must be a miracle.
I really feel that with everything Nikki and I have gone through in our lives, this is our reward. Two rare and fantastic people who have found each other. Two people who just got their hearts broken by someone who was not right for them. Two people with so much love in their hearts, who have never gotten that love back in the way that they needed. We deserve this. We deserve to have each other.
She's loving, sensitive, honest, generous (she buys me way too many things!), intelligent, thoughtful, and beautiful inside and out. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. So many times have I settled for less. So many times have I looked and been dissatisfied with the person I had found. I tried for that person anyway, knowing that I deserved so much better. Not anymore.
Check back with us in six months to a year. Unless some horrible thing happens to either one of us (I don't even want to think about it!), we will still be together. And we'll continue to be together way past that. In time, you'll come to see that it was meant to be after all.
How can I explain this to anyone and have them believe me? I could write a book about this woman and how we feel for each other. Everything I've written here is just the introduction.
A dear friend said this to me once: "You are not an ordinary person. How can you expect to lead an ordinary life?" Oh, how right she is.
Here are the emails. Before reading, it's important to note that we sort of met via a mutual "friend," if you will. I went on one date with a transsexual woman named Kellie, back in March of 2006. It didn't work out beyond that... never mind the fact that she was stringing me along for quite awhile. Nikki had been involved with her on and off, but neither of us knew about the other. One day in October, Nikki showed up at Kellie's employer with a bouquet of roses. Kellie wasn't there. Later that night, she got a "breakup email." Hey, breaking news like that is bad enough over the phone, but email? Anyway...
From: Nikki
Date: Oct 14, 2006 1:04 PM
I absolutely love your myspace page!!!!!!!!! We have a friend in common, you know Kellie, right? Cute pic too!
Nikki!
Hi Nikki,
Wow, thanks for the page and pic compliments! Yes, I know Kellie. She lives not far from me at all. How long have you two been friends? Do you know her outside of Myspace? If I'm being too nosy, then I apologize.
How old are your daughters? I have one 5-year old girl. I just went to visit her in NC last weekend. I came back last night. She's such an angel/devil. I can't keep up with the mood swings, LOL!
I hope you have a really nice day today. :)
Hugs,
Amy
From: Nikki
Date: Oct 17, 2006 5:41 PM
Hi!
Kellie and I have been friends for eight years. I met her through my ex husband. We have been friends with benifits for a long time. I am currently leaving my husband for her cause I love her dearly always have. I was just afraid of being honest with myself. Well anyways I am trying to get her to move in with me. My girls are 5 months, five, and turning eight.
(missing message from Amy)
From: Nikki
Date: Oct 29, 2006 1:06 PM
I love your page. Kellie broke my heart in to pieces. Guess I was stupid to let her in huh? Well just wanted to say hi. You seemed really nice thanks for talking to me. Take care of yourself, you are beautiful.
Nikki
From: Amy
Date: Oct 29, 2006 6:48 PM
Hi Nikki,
I'm so sorry. If this would have happened back in March, I would have said that misery loves company. But as I see it, it's ancient history. Well, for me anyway. Eventually you will be able to say the same. If we find any more of us, maybe we should form a club.
Were you stupid to let her in? No more so than I. There was a little voice inside my head back in March. Not an imaginary friend or a second personality. It was the voice of instinct. The voice told me the things she said to me were unreal. I should've listened to that voice. From now on I keep my ears open for it.
Thank you for the compliments. :) I have lost a few pounds, but not that much. My pictures were from before I lost the weight. I hide it well in my pictures. Perhaps I am my own worst critic. Thank you also for the comment on my blog. I really appreciate it.
You have mentioned on your page that you're a cutter. I'm very sad to hear that. I truly hope that you are able to overcome it. I really don't think that it's something to be flaunting on a web page. Then again, it's just my opinion... one of many.
Did you really move to New York just for her? Since you created this page to talk to her (at least that's what I understand), I wonder now if you'll simply just vanish from this site. I hope not. I have subscribed to your blog and I'm going to send you a friend request as soon as I sign off on this letter.
I know it's hard right now, but give it time. Be patient. That's what I had to do about two weeks ago. It was only 5 days ago that I emerged into the sunlight. You will achieve that as well.
Take care.
Hugs,
Amy
From: Nikki
10/30/2006 12:25 PM
Hi Again,
No, I did not move here for her. I also did not come on to this site for her. Kellie and I have had our ups and downs for many years.I was stupid to let her in. Anyways, that is life. I do not cut by the way I just say what I am thinking to release it so that I don't. I was not trying to flaunt anything, just get the feelings that I am under out so that I can deal. It is a way to express myself with out hurting myself. I am sorry if it came across that way. As you can tell my mind is messed up right now. I really love her. Well, if you want to talk I am here. You seem really nice.
Nikki
From: Nikki
10/30/2006 1:05 PM
I am glad that I am not the only adult that has read the Harry Potter books. Do you like the movies? Have you seen the latest X-men movie? Do you plan on seeing the latest Harry Potter movie? The books are way better than the movies though. Anyways, I figured I would ask. Bye.
Nikki
From: Nikki
10/30/2006 1:10 PM
Do you still play D&D? My husband loves the game. I am not sure if you know about my husband. Anyways, yes I got married, but we are not together. We live together right now until I finish getting my masters degree in December for teaching, but I am moving out. I realize I like women and cant change even though I tried. Anyways, let me know if you still play. Maybe we can get a game going.
Nikki
From: Amy
Date: Oct 30, 2006 12:30 PM
Hi Nikki,
How are you? I'm going to respond to all your letters in one big message. Thank you so much for the pic comments! You definitely got me smiling. :)
I haven't played D&D for awhile. At first, I couldn't get enough people to attend on a regular basis (it was so rare to have the entire crew there at one time, and there was always one or two people missing). I disbanded the group when three members had to take an indefinite hiatus. Now I don't seem to have much time. Do you like to play too, or is just your husband who is into it? Thanks for thinking of me though. :)
All I knew about your husband was that you were leaving him for Kellie, at least that's the way you put it. I assumed that he was back in whatever state you used to live in (I forgot). In any case, it must be a difficult time for both of you. How is he handling everything?
That's great that you're getting your masters for teaching! That was a lot of hard work for you, and now you're on the brink of getting your degree. Congratulations!
I do love Harry Potter, and I have seen all the movies and read all the books. I just bought Goblet of Fire on DVD last week, but I saw it in the theatre when it came out. I bought X-Men III last week too, and ditto... I also saw it in the theatre. If you go way back in my blog, you can find an entry describing why I love and idolize Phoenix, and there are dozens of pics in that entry too. (You'll have to click on "older" to see the older entries... just in case you didn't know). :) In my opinion, they really didn't do Phoenix justice. I think it would have been impossible to live up to the character as portrayed in the comic books, but it seems that they didn't even try. And I still wonder why no phoenix "bird of fire" effect?
Yes, I do love the Potter movies, but Goblet of Fire was really better as a book. You just can't fit 600-something pages into a two-hour movie. But I still like that movie. I think the first two are my favorites, and they match the books pretty well.
I didn't mean to seem judgemental or anything about cutting or what you put on your page. I'm not critical like that. I'm just concerned for anyone who would do such a thing. My ex used to do that, and she used to try to do it in front of me... of course there was a struggle and I ended up getting cut (not badly though). Before that, I had never heard of such a thing. I'm sorry if I came off the wrong way.
You seem really nice too. :) I hope you don't mind if I ask, what exactly happened between you and Kellie a week or two ago? What did she do to you? If it's none of my business, just tell me so, and I'll apologize. I'll understand if it's something you don't want to talk about.
Take care and have a nice day today. :)
Hugs,
Amy
From: Nikki
10/30/2006 4:46 PM
Okay. You are so cute. I love the way you just ramble on. Well, frankly Kellie used me and spit me out. She said oh I love you blah blah blah. I went to her work to surprise her with a dozen roses. I called her the day before and said I am taking you out Friday night, if you have plans let me know. Well, I drove all the way there to find out that she was not working. I called her and she says well I am not in love with you. Have a good life. I was planning to take her to a nice resteraunt, you know romance her cause she meant so much to me. I am an idiot for putting my heart out there. Jay is fine thats hubby he has known for a long time that I love women and men do nothing for me, he loves me still. He says he understands.
Nikki
From: Nikki
10/30/2006 4:48 PM
By the way I am from Michigan. That is where Kellie said she wanted us to move to. Anyways, water under the bridge. What happened between you and her? If thats too nosy I am sorry.
From: Amy
Date: Oct 30, 2006 5:33 PM
Hi Nikki,
LOL! I can go on sometimes. It doesn't seem like you mind it though, so that's okay then. :P
I'm so sorry for what she did to you. That was so sweet with the roses and taking her out... well, trying to anyway. It sucks when you give so much and then get shit in return. I'm going through that with my recently-ex-girlfriend now. I found out two weeks ago that what I was feeling, was way more than what she was feeling.
My experience with Kellie isn't as bad, but it still sucked. We went out for only one date, and I thought at the time that it was the best first date I've ever been on. Well, that may still be true, but it was all bullshit anyway. She was all amorous and full of compliments for me, and seemed serious about me already. And I was really into her. Then I was so surprised after a week of her saying she was sick (I still wonder if that was true or not), she just starts avoiding me. Then she says over a TEXT MESSAGE, that's right, a text message, that we can only be friends. I was a mess. Anyway, I tried to be friends, and then she stood me up anyway. Some friend. I sent her a really long message just totally telling her off. We became friends of a sort again over Myspace, and she wanted to get together with me about a month ago, and I said sure... I sure as hell won't go, though.
So do I take it right that you came from Michigan, but now you live on Long Island? Just trying to get it straight... hey wait, we don't go straight, LOL!
My friend wants to use the computer now, so I must go. But write back if you want, and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Have a good night. :)
Hugs,
Amy
From: Nikki
11/1/2006 6:02 PM
Hi sweety,
Yes, Kellie did the same thing to me. She was so into me supposedly then all of a sudden she was sick. Then I get an e-mail saying she is not in love with me. Mind you this is after I spent $100 on birthday gifts and had sexual relations with her. I never get intimate with anyone until we are good friends first. Plus I have to truly love them. I still love her with my whole heart, but she is a bitch and a user. I should have known though. We have been close for eight years, so I trusted her. It was the dumbest thing I have ever done. I wont do it again.
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through that with an ex. You dont deserve that. You are so beautiful, very intelligent, and you have a loving soul. Anyone would be fortunate to have you love them. Well, now I am rambling. I will let you go now.
Nikki
From: Amy
Date: Nov 2, 2006 11:34 AM
Hi Nikki,
You're so sweet and kind. Thank you for what you wrote in your letter and in the comment on my blog. I really, really appreciate that. You made my little broken heart smile again. :)
That is completely despicable what Kellie did to you. I kind of thought for awhile that I was just unlucky, that I picked the wrong person at the wrong time for them, or something like that. Now I see she makes a habit of this... leading people on, and lying to them, and using them. What I went through because of her was nothing compared to what happened with you. That gets me really pissed. I've deleted her from my friends list. I will not associate in any way with someone who uses people and spits them out. Someday she'll do that to the wrong girl and end up in a world of shit. That would be all her fault.
If she is a bitch and a user, why do you still love her? What is there to love about someone like that? I don't mean to challenge you or anything, but maybe you should give that some thought. Did you know these things about her before?
Thank you so much for all the compliments. I don't know you too well (hardly at all, in fact), but I can tell, too... that you're intelligent and very sweet and kind. I would like to get to know you better. I don't even know what you look like, but if you'd rather not show yourself, I understand. Do you use AIM? My screen name is: xxxxxxxx
Hey, you do live on Long Island now, right? Just checking. :) You wrote on my blog that you hope there are more people out there like me. Well, hmmm... (checks Myspace profile)... yup, I'm single allright! :P
I hope you're doing well. Have a nice day today. :)
Hugs,
Amy
From: Nikki
Date: Nov 2, 2006 1:33 PM
Hi Sweety,
Once I love someone I can't just turn it off. I dont work that way.Thats probably why I get shit on, but I cant hurt people. It is just not me. No, I did not know she was like that. I would have never opened up to her if I had any idea. I knew her when she was Kevin. I helped her through the whole change. Kevin was an ass, but I fell head over heels for Kellie.
Anyways, do you like the comic books about Wolverine, and the Phoenix? If you do I have old copies that you are welcome to. Maybe I can take you out for lunch next weekend? You live on Long Island right? Just to warn you, if you are into stick thin women then I am not for you. I am not huge, but I am not skinny. Well, lets just say it will be two friends getting together ok? Well, let me know. Bye.
Nikki
From: Nikki
Date: Nov 2, 2006 4:18 PM
Amy,
You actually make me smile when I read your email. Thank-you for being so sweet. I would love to get to know you better.
Nikki
(missing message from Amy)
From: Nikki
Date: Nov 2, 2006 6:17 PM
Thank you so much for your comment. I enjoy writing, and from what I have seen in your blogs you do also. You are very good at writing. I feel like I have truly connected with who you are. I feel as if I could really connect with you, from emailing you and reading your page I feel like I know you. I want to see if you are as sweet, honest and lovable as I think you are.
Nikki
(missing message from Amy)
From: Nikki
Date: Nov 2, 2006 6:06 PM
Hi Sweety,
No she did not say anything to me about you. I contacted you because I thought you were hot. Ok, now I am blushing. Well, are you free Saturday? I said friends because it takes time to get to know someone. I am not the type of person to rush into anything. I need to feel I know the person before I let them in. Thats just me. Well, let me know if you are free. I look forward to meeting you. Let me know where I can pick you up or if you want to meet some where or I can give you my address. What ever you are comfortable with.
Nikki
From: Amy
Date: Nov 2, 2006 3:47 PM
Hi Nikki,
Wow, thank you! You got a huge smile and some giggles out of me this time (LOL). I'm very flattered. :)
Saturday is kind of dodgy for me. I work until 3 PM and then I have therapy at 6 PM. So unless you wanted to do something at 7:30 PM, it would have to be another day. Sorry. :( Sunday is much better for me. I have no plans at all that day.
I agree with what you said about friends. I look forward to meeting you too. :) For the first time, we can just meet somewhere... just to be safe. Let me know what you have in mind as far as a restaurant.
The picture thing isn't hard at all. Just go to "add/edit photos" on your profile, click the browse button to find the pic on your computer (wherever it is, on your desktop, or in "My Documents," etc.), then click upload. It can't be a really big pic, or Myspace won't let you upload it. Let me know if you have any questions or anything.
I do like to write, yes. For poetry, my muse doesn't come by that often, so I try to advantage of her when I can. Hmmm, that didn't sound right. Hehe!
I'm going to go home now (yup, still at work), so I'll write you later on tonight or tomorrow. I hope you have a pleasant evening. :)
Hugs,
Amy
From: Nikki
Date: Nov 2, 2006 6:52 PM
Okay sweety have a safe trip home. Sunday is fine. Where do you like to eat? I can meet you any where.
Just pick a place and time, and I will be there.
Nikki
From: Nikki
Date: Nov 2, 2006 7:59 PM
Sweet dreams princess. I will write again soon. Wait actually I will be waiting to hear from you.
Night Love
Nikki
From: Amy
Date: Nov 2, 2006 5:46 PM
Hi Nikki,
Princess? Me? Aww, shucks. :) Well, I guess you didn't have to wait long. I'm a real night owl, not that it's late or anything. I'm not exactly a morning person. How about you?
Do you like Mexican food? There's a place by me called the Green Cactus Grill. There's actually a few of them. It's like a cafe somewhat. You just order your food and then they call it out when it's ready. No waiters or anything. But it's definitely not fast food. You'll love it if you love Mexican food! I'm addicted to salsa and chips, just so you know. ;) You wanted to go for lunch, so how about 1 PM?
If you want, tell me about your daughters. How old are they, what are their names, etc.? I have a 5-year-old named Brittany. She lives with my ex in NC, but I see her almost every month (for the weekend). She's in kindergarten, and she lost her first baby tooth last weekend. It's so funny, she was saying, "My tooth should not come out. That's not right!" LOL! She's a real mush, but she has a bad temper too if things don't go her way.
Anyway, I hope you sleep well. I'll talk to you soon. :)
Luv,
Amy
From: Nikki
Date: Nov 3, 2006 4:17 PM
Your daughter sounds soo cute! That is a good age. I love kids. As if you couldn't tell, I have three. Plus I teach elementary school. The resteraunt sounds great. I have been to the one, I think it is on Newbridge. One o'clock sounds good, but where is it? I will tell you all about my kids when I see you. It would take too long to type. (lol) Call me later tonight and we can set it up. Please call after 8:00 if you can. The number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. I will be waiting by the phone. Talk to you soon.
Nikki
From: Nikki
Date: Nov 4, 2006 12:13 PM
Hey Sweet angel,
I sensed that you may have gotten a vibe that I did not want you to call me again. That is definetly not true. I really enjoyed talking to you, you are very sweet, and intelligent. I enjoy our conversations emensley.
I also noticed that you were trying to feel out the situation with me and my soon to be ex. It is really hard for me to open up again after what happened with you know who. However, I am willing to take the chance and open up to you. I just pray you are what you say you are. Anyways, I told Jay(ex) that I am moving out as soon as I get through school. He is a good man. He does not want to see me on the street. He wants me to finish school so that I can take care of myself and the kids if I have to. He told me a little while a go that he has known that I am attracted to women since we got married. He said it used to only come out when I was drunk, but now he sees it every day. When I was younger I dated a lot of men trying to figure out why I just wasnt attracted to them. Well, I finally got tired of living a lie. I like women and I want to be happy, so I am going to do what makes me happy. I know my kids wont get the best care if I am not honest about my relationship with jay. So, with that said I am thinking about staying in New York, giving Jay the kids during the week, and having them on the weekends and Holidays. Jay takes care of them during the week as it is, because I am either working or in school.
I am currently getting my masters degree in elementary education. In January I will be starting to take 18 credits in order to get my duel certification in special education. Bocees, who I work for now as a teacher's aide pays teachers $40 an hour just to sub.
Well, I guess that is it. I wont be home tonight cause Jay's cousin wants to see the kids, but I will be there tomarrow. I cant wait to meet you. Oh, by the way I have long red hair and blue eyes. I am 5'3", and not skinny (lol).
Love,
Nikki
(Then we went on our first date!)
From: Amy
Date: Nov 5 2006 5:16 PM
Hi Nikki,
I just got home a little while ago. I definitely have you on my mind. Maybe I didn't show it as much as I could or should have, but I do like you. A lot. :) I was a little nervous to express how I feel. I enjoyed your company very much, and I had a great time, even just sitting in your car and talking for hours. I really do feel a connection with you. I'm very attracted to you too. *blush blush*
Thank you so much for treating me to lunch. I really appreciate that. It was so sweet of you. :) I can really see how kind and generous and loving you are, in general. Maybe my days of choosing women who are bad for me, are over.
I want to know, when can I see you again?
Sleep well, angel. :)
Love,
Amy :)
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