I said at one point that there are times when I hate being a transsexual. This has never been more true than now. Many of my transsexual readers have spouses who can't reconcile being with a woman. The love is still there, but the physical aspect of the one they love has been changed so irrevocably, that intimacy has become a thing of the past. I always sympathized, but never could relate a problem like this to any real-life experience. Until now. Sort of.
Nikki and I met in November of 2006. She was one of those many lesbians who was in denial, due to pressures from family and friends. She did what everyone expected of her: She got married and had kids. She wasn't happy. She realized she was a lesbian right before we met. It might've been similar to when I realized I'm a transsexual. Anyway, she knew that I was TS from the get-go. I wasn't even full-time yet, and I hadn't changed my name. She saw me for who I really am inside. She's a unique, free-thinking, and open-minded woman. I'm blessed to have her in my life. I would not, and could not, ever regret us meeting and falling in love.
Nikki likes women only. She's had her own way of dealing with what's between my legs, and I believe she wants me to have the surgery as much as I do. After almost three years, being with someone who doesn't have the correct anatomy is taking it's toll on her. This is manifesting itself in various ways. For one, she has a libido, but doesn't want me. She's feeling dysphoric when in bed with me. This is not her fault. It's not my fault either. But hey, I'm upset and angry and I want someone to blame. This is when my agnostic tendencies start to wane, just so I can have a higher power to scream and shake my fist at.
What am I feeling? I don't feel good enough. I'm inadequate. I'm incomplete... a freak with the wrong parts. I feel guilty, even though it isn't my fault. Why should my lover have to settle for less? Why should she be stuck with me, and go about wondering what it would be like to be with a genetic girl? I'm not right for her. She loves me, but I'm not what she wants physically. If I was having GRS in a year or less, this might not be an issue. Of course, I have NO JOB, NO MONEY, and I am NO CLOSER to having GRS than I was five years ago. This is the reverse of many transsexuals' experience. Rather than "driving away" their lover by transitioning, I'm driving away Nikki because I can't finish my transition. I don't want to lose her before I can have surgery.
I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough. I don't want to feel like Nikki is settling for less, physically. I want her to be happy, not frustrated. I want us to be together and to be what she wants. I wish I could have GRS. I have always felt incomplete, but now it's kicked into overdrive. Why did I have to be born this way? Why???
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