...And at the Seventh Hour, She Rested.

Okay, it was more near the beginning of the third hour, but whatever. Before I get into all that, I want to tell all of you about the neighbors who just moved in. I never saw a moving truck, so I tend to believe that they're related to the man who's always lived there (his last name is the same as mine, and he has twice received my mail in his mailbox... and he gave it back to me, opened!), or maybe they were house-sitting or something.

Anyway, last Friday, there was a whole bunch of them standing outside when I went to get Skylar off of the bus for Pre-K. There was a kind of pretty girl with dirty blonde hair, a heavy girl with brown hair, and two black guys. They all looked to be in their early to mid-20's. On the way back from the bus, tiny toddler hand in mine, the pretty girl told me that Skylar is cute. I said, "Thank you." (My voice is pretty good, especially when saying short sentences like that.) One of the black men was standing right in front of my door, so I said, "Excuse me." He moved out of the way, and I went inside and closed the door. I was taking off my shoes by the door, and I heard the other woman say something. I couldn't hear her, as Skylar was babbling to me about school and her bus ride (she's too precious!). The pretty one said, "What? She's cute." The other replied, "I'll slap that bitch in the face."

Ummmm... what? I stood there by the door, waiting for some explanation, but they opened their door and went inside. I hope she wasn't talking about Skylar, but then, why would she say that about me? I've had no contact with these people.

On Monday, they were all standing outside, smoking. Not a word was said, but they were all staring me down. Nikki was home sick that day, so she poked her head out and gave the heavier woman a dirty look. We went inside, and right after that, they went inside their apartment. I was afraid they would make this a regular event, but for the last two days, they haven't been out there.

They made me very uncomfortable and nervous. I don't do well with crowds of people. I always wonder what they're thinking and what they might say to me. Hopefully, I won't see them again. Maybe they went back to wherever they came from, because the mail-opening guy was back last night. I hadn't seen him while they were there. Anyway...

Observe the cleaning of the kids' room:

Before

After

Before

After

This took me over two hours to clean. Clothes (which hadn't been worn) back in the laundry bags or hanging up, books (the ones that weren't destroyed) back on the shelves, toys back in the toybox, and oh yeah... underneath and amongst all those items were little, tiny, ripped-up pieces of paper. Skylar loves to tear apart books. The kid is 3 1/2 years old. Enough already. I filled three garbage bags, kitchen sized, full of ripped paper, empty book covers, and other assorted debris. After sorting and filing all the big stuff, in came the vacuum. Halfway through it's mission, something started burning inside of it. I ignored the smell and hoped it would go away. It did. But holy hell... I don't think our vacuum can handle much more of this!

Skylar told me she was "happy now," upon gazing at her newly cleaned room. I told her to keep both Skylar and Mama happy, and stop ripping up books and making a mess. She told me, "Okay, mama." But that's what she said last time. We've had this discussion before. In less than a week later, the room was destroyed again. I'm still waiting for it to stick.

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My Boobs Are Sore!

YAY!!!

Shortly after increasing my Estradiol (estrogen) dose to 8 mg a day (see this post), my breasts got really sore. Some breast growth has just kicked in. What's really awesome is that I've lost 16 pounds since then, due to diet and (some) exercise. I'm getting smaller everywhere else, and my boobs are getting bigger. Some choice words here: Thrilled! Ecstatic! Overjoyed! Pleased! Chuffed! Excited!

My leg hair has gotten much finer as well, and takes longer to grow in. I've been rather emotional lately, but since Nikki and I have been having some problems, it's impossible for me to tell if the meds are having anything to do with it. I did go through some irritability and moodiness a couple weeks ago. That only lasted for two days, thankfully. It was some bad virtual PMS. I was not a joy to be around!

I've been on hormones since July of 2003, so that's six years. By all accounts, I should be done with breast growth. But then I was off the magic pills from September of 2007 to May of 2008. There's almost a year missing there. So this will probably be my last hurrah. I hope they get nice and BIG. ;)

(She does look happy, doesn't she? Please note that none of the boobs on this blog entry are mine. I was going to post two pics of me wearing a bra, but Nikki didn't like the idea. So you'll have to settle for pics of other women's boobs. Sorry!)

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Goals in Jeopardy (Blast From the Past Entry)

My ex didn't tell her lawyer "never mind," but this was a scary moment for me at the time. My divorce wasn't final until October of 2008.



Tuesday, June 13, 2006
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For those who don't know, I'm still technically married. I've been separated from the mother of my child for almost four years now. It was not anything having to do with me enjoying wearing women's clothes and makeup (back then, I thought I was a crossdresser, so she did as well... but she knew such from the very beginning). Simply put, she married too young. She had no childhood to speak of, being shuffled from foster home to foster home, from abusive parents, and then abusive foster parents. In a sense, she started living a normal life when she met me. But things just happened too soon. When she was 21, she was still pretty immature, yet now was married to me, had a kid, and a home to take care of. I ended up taking care of the baby and the condo, and I was alone most of the time. She was out partying, hanging with friends, and sometimes coming home so late that I ended up being late for work (I used to work the graveyard shift). I guess my taking care of everything while she pranced about like a spoiled princess was too much for her, so she decided she wanted a separation. I was deeply depressed for about a month, and then began my healing process. Today, I regret the fact that I ever became involved with her, and I really wish I didnt have to talk to her, but then there is Brittany. My daughter is a shining beacon of love and innocence in my life. I would do it all over again just so I could have my daughter.

Anyway, we have been doing the uncontested divorce thing. We have nothing really to fight over, as far as property or shared items. Visitation and child support have already been worked out, and have been in effect for years. In January, I mailed a check to her lawyer for the index number fee. It was never cashed. A few weeks ago, I find out that the check has to come from the lawyer, not me. The lawyer delivered the summons to me (of which I am not required to appear in court), and he gave me my check back. I wrote him a new check to his name. He said he would mail me the papers on what the details of the divorce would be, sometime during the week. I have not gotten anything yet, big surprise. But at least things are set in motion now. Before the divorce is final, I can't really transition into living a woman's life full-time. She might use it as leverage in court and escalate the whole thing into a full-fledged divorce. I have no doubt in my mind that she would do that to get my visitation rights taken away.

Last night, I get a weird text message from my ex.

"What do I have to do?"

I didn't answer it. I deleted it and marveled on how strange she is sometimes. This morning, while I'm at work, she sends it again. So I reply, like an idiot.

"Do about what?"

"To get what I want."

"What do you want? What are you talking about?"

"I want what I can't have."

Okay, the loud claxons started going off about now. She wants me back now? My first reaction was, Ha. Ha ha. Bahhh ha ha ha! My second reaction: Bahhhh ha ha ha!

I kept telling her that I didn't know what she meant. Then she tells me to say to the lawyer, never mind. Uhh, WHAT? She said she wasnt going to go through with it, and we could just stay like this forever. The only real reaction that I've given her so far, is that she paid him $1000, and I spent $205 for the index number. If she was going to cancel the whole thing, I want my $205 back. She texts back, "Nope." I'm pissed and just a bit scared right now. So I decided that ignoring her for a bit would do the trick. I had too much to do at work at the moment anyway.

I don't know whats happening. If this divorce doesn't happen, I'll have to put off my transition for quite awhile. I'll also have to shell out $5,000 to $10,000 that could be used for other things (surgery, hint hint), if I even had that kind of money to begin with. Being myself has become such a joy for me, that naturally I want it all the time. Other people get to be themselves every hour of every day of their life, so why should I be denied? I have put so much work into this goal of becoming me. Three long years of therapy, hormones, laser hair removal, electrolysis, not to mention the fact that I went back to school so I could do this (almost a year of working full-time and school full-time, ugh, that's a whole other story though). It's too late for me to turn back on this, and even if I could, I wouldn't. I have to do this.

Now that I feel in jeopardy about my transition, I've been reminded of how badly I want this, and how much it means to me. When someone is working towards something for several years, they tend to forget the big picture of what life will be like. Sure, I think of living as a woman and how wonderful that would be for me, but most times it's tempered by other thoughts, day-to-day things... hanging out with this friend, I have to pay that bill, why is my car making that noise? I am mere months away from this transition occurring, and it will be one of the most wonderful things ever to happen in my life. My defining moment, my sundering the chains of my old life to finally begin to live life the way I should. And instead I must stay married to this sad, jealous, immature asshole? Uh-uh. Not happening. It's more than a matter of wanting it now, I need this. I need to be me. She is standing in the way of that. NOT a good place to be.

I'll keep you all posted...

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Unspoken

(Just something I've been struggling with lately...)

Unspoken,
Fears found.
Uncertain,
Words bound.

Something's wrong,
Wrong with me.
I've just been caged
So easily.

My instincts warn,
I can't believe.
I need the truth,
Lest I take my leave.

Voice my sorrow,
Speak my rage.
Loose these shackles,
Break this cage.

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Addendum to North Carolina Trip (Blast From the Past Entry)

This was a private entry on MySpace, whereas the previous entry was public. I recommend reading the previous post first.

Monday, June 05, 2006
-----------------------

Current mood: amused

Here are a few things that I didn't want to mention in my public entry, regarding my trip. Those of you on my private list are aware that there's another aspect of my trip, and the reality that I am actually Brittany's father. I didn't wear makeup or bring anything other than gender neutral clothes on my trip. For those of you who don't know what gender neutral clothes might be, it's t-shirts, jeans and shorts, which are of a style that either a male or female could wear them. I did wear a pair of satiny (is that a word?) pajamas to bed, but they weren't frilly or cut in a very feminine style either.

On Saturday, when I went to the beach and pool with Brittany, I had to cover up, naturally. I wore men's bathing shorts, that my friend, Vanessa and her mom bought for me quite some time ago. They're still in good condition. On top, I wore a t-shirt... not a flimsy one, but one that was more difficult to see through. At the pool, those two women (lesbians?) didn't seem to be looking at me much, but I could just imagine what they were thinking, seeing someone who looked like a woman being called "Daddy." There was one point when I went under the water and put my hair back when I came up. Brittany said pretty loudly (word for word, here), "Daddy, you look like Mommy." (My ex always has her hair tied back like that.)

When we went to Miller's Restaurant and Taco Bell, I had some odd looks. The hostess in Miller's Restaurant (who I had wished was on the menu, LOL) was calling me "ma'am." Then Brittany says, "Daddy, I want pancakes." Ummm, can you say "awkward situation?" I knew you could! I got some strange looks from the hostess and other folks gathered in that area, trying to determine which gender I was at that point. And at Taco Bell, there were three guys gathered behind the counter, talking low and laughing at me. If I wasn't with Brittany, I might have caused a stink, and spoken with the manager. But I did my best to ignore them, while getting rather pissed off. How dare you ridicule a customer? You're going to laugh at a customer and make her (yes, her!) uncomfortable? I'm bringing you business, giving you my hard-earned money, while spending quality time with my daughter... and this is what I get? I'll shove that Taco Supreme right up your ass, buddy. And I'll make it crunchy style!

There were a few times during the weekend when Brittany called me "Mommy." I liked it, but it was odd to me. I'm sure the ex would't be happy if she knew Brittany had called me that. It wasn't awkward like the "Daddy thing," so that was good. One time she actually did catch herself saying it. She said, "I'm sorry, Daddy... I didn't mean to call you Mommy." (Wow, she talks like such a grown-up sometimes now!) I told her, "That's okay, honey. You can call me whatever you want to call me." I remember someone at the LITE meeting (Long Island Transgender Experience support group) saying that she lets her son call her whatever he feels like at the moment. For awhile, he did call her by her chosen name, but then slipped back to "Daddy." That made it a bit awkward if she was in the mall, but this is her child. If her son needs to have a daddy at that point, that's what she is... because she will always be the father of her child no matter what. (Now that's a different thing to be saying, isn't it?) If Brittany needs to think of me as Daddy, then that's what I will be. If she'd rather call me Mommy or Amy, or even Auntie, that's fine too. I leave that up to her, and she will call me whatever makes her most comfortable.

The innocence and openness of my child is very profound to me. She knows certain things about me, but they are nothing unusual to her at all. She's seen my boobs when I take a shower, she hands me my sports bras ("Here's your bra, Daddy."), she's seen my toenails painted and my legs clean-shaven. She's even said that I'm a girl in front of my ex (this was about a year ago though), and my ex has said, "No, Daddy's a boy." At this moment, I believe that she thinks of me as a boy (or man) who wears sports bras, has breasts, and paints his toenails. But there is some part of her (that my ex has been trying to de-program) that associates me with girls (or women), as she has called me "Mommy" a few times.

Children are very smart, without bias or prejudice to get in the way. She doesn't know a thing about transsexuality, but in a way, it's like she doesn't have to know. Not yet, anyway. It's easier right now, because she's open to things, intelligent, and sees the world in a different light than adults do. At this stage of her life, she just wants me to be there. She wants me to love and care for her, and do fun things with her. Once you take away society's bigotry and closed-mindedness (the latter of which tends to happen naturally as you get older, and I find to be nobody's fault for the most part), what more can she want? As she gets older, these aspects of society will start to become a problem for her. Her friends won't understand. If she talks about it in school, how will the teachers down there react? Her simple world will become tarnished by others, and she may have problems with her life (and with me) because of it. This is something that I think about often, and sometimes I have considered sacrificing my happiness and well-being by remaining in a male existence, so as to spare her these hardships. But... I would not be happy, and I would probably often be sad or depressed. What kind of parent would I be? Not much fun, and quite a burden in that sense as well.

The main obstacle is my ex, who thinks that even gays and lesbians are freaks of nature and sinners against God. She's a nasty, bigoted, closed-minded woman, with no concern to how others feel or how they want to live their lives. And then there's me. My ex won't understand at all, and I don't think she's sensible or intelligent enough to spare Brittany the confusion of: "Don't listen to Daddy, he's a boy."

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My Trip to North Carolina (Blast From the Past Entry)

I don't have much more to say right now, regarding Nikki and I (see last entry). Things may be getting better, as she went to a lesbian support group and found lots of understanding and kind words there. So we'll see.

I just want to make a brief report on the results of my three-day diet (details posted here). I've only lost three pounds this time around (compared to eight pounds three years ago). Why I lost so much less this time, I don't know. Maybe because I was working in an office back then, and I was on my feet a lot? I'm 149.1 pounds now. I walked to my therapist and back today (long story!), so I got in an hour and a half of walking.

Anyway, here's a look back at my second trip to North Carolina, back in mid-2006. This is in two parts. Today's post is regarding the trip in general. Tomorrow's post will discuss the details having to do with my transsexuality. I've added some photos to make it interesting. They weren't in the original blog.

Some notes as I'm reading along:

You can see below where my penchant for the phrase "blast from the past" may have begun.

OMG! I think I outed myself in my public MySpace blog. I was talking about shaving my legs! Oops. That one slipped through the cracks. It's funny how I only notice these things years later!

EDIT: I just realized, I didn't out myself at all. I was using the name, "Amy" and presenting as female on my MySpace account, so the fact that I shaved my legs wouldn't have raised an eyebrow. It's so much easier living one life now, rather than a double life.




Sunday, June 04, 2006
-----------------------

Current mood: calm

Okay, I'm finally going to tell you guys about my trip down to North Carolina two weeks ago. I've just been so busy with everything else on MySpace, plus working and stuff (I know, MySpace is the priority here), that I haven't gotten around to it. I already know that this is going to be a huge entry, so it was kind of daunting to me. I went to visit my daughter, for those who may not know.

The usual procrastinator (well, with some things), I didn't pack until the morning I was leaving. This caused me to leave the house at 12 noon, rather than 9 or 10 AM like I wanted to. It was raining out too, and I hate driving in the rain. I picked up a bagel with cream cheese and lox on the way (yum!) and ate it while driving down the Southern State. Before I even got to the Southern State, I almost got into an accident. Someone cut in front of someone else, so we all had to slam on my brakes, and I skidded for a bit. The road was very slick. I did pull out of the skid, but it wasn't a very auspicious beginning. It was slow going because of the rain, but at least it wasn't steady. I might have been driving out of it.

I didn't get to the motel until 10:30 PM. I was hungry, but I made the mistake of unpacking my car before getting something to eat. Little did I know, even McDonald's and Taco Bell close at 11 PM during tourist season. From October to April (something like that), they close at 9 PM. Yes, 9 PM... even the drive-thru closes then. It's a far cry from New York, where Taco Bell is open until four in the morning! So... I went to Wal-Green's and got a microwave pizza. Yay. Well, it wasn't bad, actually. I used to eat those all the time and thus got sick of them. So it was like a blast from the past. After eating it and talking to Nessa, I realized that I left my shampoo and conditioner at home. Arrgh! I went back to Wal-Green's and bought new ones. Then I came back and went to sleep. I remember the first time I went down there, when I was so lonely once I realized I was there all by myself. I felt like crying, and I felt stupid for feeling that way. But it's probably because I have never lived on my own. I lived with my parents and siblings, then with my ex, then with my parents again when we split up, and now with Nessa (and for some of that time, with Brad also... until he moved back to PA). So, being alone and very far away from everyone just made me kind of sad. Also, it may have reminded me of the time my ex-girlfriend Millie stranded me in a motel room. She chickened out and went home while I was sleeping (yes, after we did it... long story, she was a very confused girl), but I woke up and followed her out of the motel in my jammies, with no socks on. I was too late, she was pulling away. And then I found out I had locked myself out of my room. I walked down to the supermarket down the street, thinking maybe she got a snack or something to drink and didn't want to wake me. She wasn't there. I walked back to the motel, on the sidewalk, in the dark, with no shoes on and wearing pajamas. There was glass on the sidewalk. I had to get the guy at the motel to open the door for me, watching the smirk on his face. Anyway, I hadn't stayed at a motel room until March, when I went down to NC for the first time. This time, I didn't feel so lonely. For some reason, I didn't want to go to sleep. I think I was excited. I knew I had to get some sleep though, because my daughter tends to wear me out.

I slept well, though a friend woke me up with a text message around 6 AM, asking me if I got down there okay. It was a nice surprise, so I didn't mind the interruption in my sleep at all. After some texting back and forth, I went right back to sleep. I got up at about 11 AM on Saturday morning. I took a shower and shaved my legs (now that I was wearing shorts). I drove the half hour to see my daughter (there are no motels or hotels closer, which kind of sucks). It's always hard to find the tiny road that they live on (it's a dirt road, actually), and there were construction cones there. I wasn't sure where to get through the cones to turn onto the road, and I was going too fast, and there was someone behind me, so I passed it. I had to drive half a mile just to find somewhere to turn around. Brittany called me when I was on the way back. LOL! When I got there, I knocked on the door, and my ex let me in. I walked to her room while still on the phone with her, so it was a little surprise for her to see me standing right there. She dropped the phone and hugged my legs. She wanted me to pick her up, so naturally I did. I held her for the next five minutes or so, during which she squeezed me really hard (she's getting strong!), and gave me lots of kisses. The ex wanted her to clean her room before she left, but it was really just me and her doing it. I mean, come on... do you really expect Brittany to want to clean her room once I got there? Brittany had the sniffles, and would cough every so often. My ex also warned me again about the seizures she's been having. They're really mild, and she doesn't fall down and convulse, or anything like that. She just stops what she's doing and stares off into space. Then she comes back less than half a minute later. Her doctor says the seizures are most likely caused by the frequent ear infections she had as an infant and toddler. We had to have tubes put in her ears to drain out the fluid. Anyway, my ex was worried that I wouldn't know what to do if she had a seizure. I reminded her that she said she didn't know what to do herself last week, and I told her that I would just make sure she didn't fall or anything. She didn't have any seizures the entire weekend.

It was afternoon when we left, so I took her to Hardee's. We used to have a Hardee's on Long Island, but now I think the closest one is in New Jersey. I would really like to go there on a more regular basis. The lady at the counter was really slow or something. Three times that I said something to her, she just stared at me for a bit and then said, "What?" Uhhh, get off the drugs, lady. I don't think they say "to stay" down there, because every restaurant I went to that weekend, they got confused. They ask me something like, "for here" or "to go." I say "to stay," and they look at me like I have three heads. I got a taco salad, and Brittany wanted what I was having. The bowl for this salad is in a crunchy sombrero-type crust that you can eat. It has lettuce, salsa, beans, chili, and sour cream. They also have these packets of hot sauce that I sprinkled onto it. Brittany wanted some of the sauce too (well, if I have it, it must be good, right?), but I only sprinkled a little bit onto one part of her salad. When she tried it, she made this nasty face, so that was a good call on my part. The teenagers were definitely out this weekend. It looked like they had been going surfing or water skiiing, something like that. One of the guys came in with no shirt on. What happened to "no shoes, no shirt, no service?" Like I really wanted to see this guy's bod while I was eating lunch with my daughter. Brittany dropped her fork and I told her to ask the lady at the counter for a new one. I guess she liked doing that, because while we were eating, she dropped her fork two more times and asked the lady for a new one. I said "enough is enough" at that point.

We went back to the motel, and Brittany couldn't wait to go on the playground there. Yes, they have a playground, pool, and there's a beach right behind the motel. We played "Swinging the Sweetcheeks," which basically consists of me pushing her on the swing, while we say (and she often yells), "Swinging the Sweetcheeks!" There weren't many kids around this time. This was the weekend before Memorial Day, so I think a lot of parents were waiting until then to bring their kids somewhere, so as not to keep them out of school for a day or two. She wanted to go to the beach after that, so we put on her bathing suit (Minnie Mouse), and went down to the waves. These waves were way too big for her, so after we went in farther than just wetting our feet (mine were getting kind of numb!), I had to pick her up over the waves as they came in. It was tiring for me, but she loved it. She would laugh, and practically scream, when she saw another big wave coming in. Some girl passed by and thought it was the funniest thing. She wanted to go swimming in the water, but I had to tell her no. There was no way I could hold onto her and keep us both above those waves. I saw someone getting married on the beach. It was incredibly romantic, and it made my heart start to feel lonely (like it sometimes does). I didn't have anyone to share the sight with besides my daughter, who wasn't interested. Brittany got cold, so we went back.

We went right into the pool from there. It was much warmer. I swam around while holding her, and I showed her how to kick her legs and such. There were a couple women sunning themselves by the pool, and Brittany started talking to them. They looked like lesbians, particularly one who seemed to be going for the Melissa Etheridge look. The other one was rather attractive, and she had an athletic body. I didn't stop to talk to them though... I'm still shy to just go up to strange people and talk. I'm getting better though, and I think Brittany actually helps me with that. Children are so guileless and carefree. They never stop to think of what this or that person thinks of them. I wish I could be more like that. She was asking them what their names were, and where their mommies were. LOL! After that, we went on the playground some more, and soon it was time for dinner.

Believe it or not, I took her to a seafood place called Mako Mike's. Well, it was purely for selfish reasons. I had been wanting to go to one of the seafood places down there (of which there are many in the area) on Friday night, but I got down there too late. The waitress there was really nice, and pretty. She got Brittany some crayons and one of those activity sheets that many restaurants seem to have. That was a good thing, because I could eat in peace. Brittany got a caesar salad, and I got this sampler with scallops, shrimp, and flounder stuffed with crab. The portions were very small for a $19.99 meal. I would've gotten much more at Red Lobster for that price. Hmmm, I feel like going there right now. ;) I thought Brittany might want some shrimp, since she has always loved it, but she didn't. Kids change tastes so often when they're little. When I was trying to leave, Brittany wanted to explore the restaurant and see what everyone was eating. After I dragged her out of there, she insisted on going back in. She said, "I want to say thank you to the lady for the yummy food!" Awww. Well, that kind of grabbed me by the heartstrings, so I let her thank the hostess, since the waitress was nowhere to be found.

When we went back to the hotel, she colored for a bit and played with some toys she had brought with her. They were mostly activity things... drawing and such. Maybe she'll become an artist or something when she grows up. Then, Brittany did something that totally shocked the hell out of me. She wanted to go to sleep! I was like, "Huh? What?" She wanted us both to brush our teeth and put on our pajamas and go to sleep. Hey, who am I to argue? We had the TV on, so I kept it on low for some background noise. She gave me my Pooka, and we went to sleep. I intended on staying awake until she drifted off, so I could call Nessa and maybe my friend, John... but I think I was out before she was.

She woke me up with cuddles on Sunday morning. She's very lovey-dovey in the morning. She must be so happy to wake up and see me there. I took her to breakfast at this place across the street called Miller's Restaurant. We just walked there because it was so close. I was tempted to ask the hostess if she was on the menu (she was yummy too, LOL), but even without Brittany there, I don't think I could have done it. Brittany had pancakes (and some of my bacon... $2.50 for three strips of bacon, Holy Hell!), and I had corned beef and hash, with hash browns (lots of hashing, hehe), and eggs sunny-side-up with toast. I like to soak the toast with the yolks. The corned beef and hash was sooo good. I'd had it before, but just out of a can, so it wasn't nowhere near as good as freshly made. I don't think many restaurants serve that up here. Brittany was misbehaving, unfortunately. She threw her napkin on the floor, insisted on eating her pancakes with her hands, and of course she got syrup in her hair. Then she wanted to sit in this highchair with wheels and have me push her around the restaurant. Uhhh, no... Homey don't play that.

She had peed in her underwear twice on Saturday ("I don't have to go potty." "I'm not holding myself."), so I had none for tomorrow. I had to drive to the ex's to get some. Over an hour's worth of driving back and forth. I was going to just buy her some, but my funds were getting rather depleted as it was. My ex asked me if I could get her some sandals, and I told her that if I did, I might not be able to get home. I got this credit card a month or two ago, and I charged $40 worth of groceries, and two new tires for my car. They never sent me a bill. I was just starting to wonder when it would come. I'm so lucky that they only suspended it after I charged the motel room on it. I would've been sleeping in my car! So... no bill, and card suspended. I was going to pay by phone, but they charge a $10 fee. For a payment of $30, that was a bit ridiculous.

Anyway, my ex's other kid, Christopher, really seems to like me. Or maybe he's like that with everyone. He wanted to show me his room and all that stuff. My ex told him to leave me alone, but I told her it was okay. She seemed surprised by how nice I was to him, and she seemed happy that I was there. I just wanted to get out as soon as possible.

I took Brittany to Taco Bell for lunch. It's funny, because most of the Taco Bell employees on Long Island are Spanish or Mexican. And down in NC? White and Asian. The food and everything else was identical to the Taco Bells back home. She wanted some prizes from the machines, but I had no quarters, and when I asked for some change, they opened all their registers to show me that they didn't have any quarters either.

I had to go to Wal-Green's to get some paper towels. The towels at the motel were leaving little lint balls on my face and body, so I didn't want to use them. The only other thing I had were tissues, if there was a mess or I wanted to wash my hands. She insisted on me getting things for her. I got her bubbles, a little bouncy ball that had Cinderella on it, a plastic watering can, and a little glittery pink diary, complete with lock and key (she lost the key on the same day, so it's kept unlocked now). It was all cheap stuff, but she wanted more and more things. I had to put my foot down. My cash was disappearing rapidly. We went back to the pool, although I didn't go in this time (the water was rather cold today). Then she went on the playground again, and I took some photos of her.

I was busy with something back at the motel, and she was in the bathroom for awhile. I started to worry what she was up to, and I looked to see. She was using that watering can to pour water from the toilet (which was clean, thank god!) onto the floor. I scolded her and cleaned up and went back to what I was doing (I think I was starting to pack some things for tomorrow). When I finished, I went back into the bathroom, and I saw she was squirting my contact lens solution into the sink! "Okay, enough in the bathroom, little lady!" Sometimes I sound just like my mother.

For dinner, I made her some chicken-flavored Raman noodle soup, and I had this Thai soup bowl thing. They're kind of new. They come with noodles, sauce, vegetable packet, and sometimes peanuts. You empty all the stuff in the bowl and just microwave it. They're really good, and I've grown rather fond of them. She wanted to go to sleep (again! holy crap!), so we did. But this time I was able to stay awake. That movie about Sybill was on, but I had missed the beginning (I can't watch movies when I've missed some parts). Once she was asleep, I went outside in my jammies and slippers, and called my friend, Vanessa. I got some Slim Jim's out of my trunk and munched on them while telling her about my trip, and hearing about what she'd been up to in my absence. It was a warm night, but not too warm... and there was a light breeze blowing about. It was quiet because many people had gone home already. It was just very pleasant. I stayed out for about an hour (even after getting off the phone), and then went to sleep next to my daughter.

When we got up, I packed some more things and we got dressed. I was drying my hair, and the hairdryer shut off. I was trying to reset the switch, and a heard a low hum, following by some small sparks coming out of the outlet. Scratch one hairdryer, which I had bought less than a month ago. (I exchanged it when I got back home, and I actually got a free hairbrush, because I forgot to stick it back in the package. Yes, I really did forget... and I'm glad I did.) We played on the playground one more time, and then I took her to McDonald's for breakfast. She got pancakes (she loves her some pancakes!), and I got this breakfast sausage burrito thing. They used to be smaller, and came with two in a meal, but now it's one big burrito. It liked it better the old way. I was asking for the sauce that goes with it, and this Asian lady tells me, "Okay." She stands there and looks at me. "Well, could I have it, please?" "Huh?" Another girl behind the counter pushed past her while shaking her head, and got me some sauce.

We went to my ex's straight from there. She didn't want to go, but she was promised a surprise once I left. That didn't seem to help. She ran out and got in my car and I had to drag her out of it (it was the one time I didn't lock the doors... I'm usually very anal-rententive on locking my car doors no matter where I go). My ex was trying to get me to agree to her driving up every three months. Uh-uh. We're alternating who drives up each month. If I can make the drive every other month, so can she. Eventually, I was able to go, although I missed Brittany as soon as I started pulling away. I stopped at a 7-11 for gas and some supplies (ahem, snacks!) for the trip back up. I got this thing called a "Fireball Sausage," something like that. It's in a little plastic package that had this hot sauce in it. After I ate the sausage (while driving), I saw that there was a little juice on the bottom. I have this odd quirk where I drink some salsa at the Green Cactus Grill, so I poured the little bit of sauce into my mouth! Ummm... can you say "fire breath?" I was choking, and my eyes and nose were running... and all while I was driving. LOL! That's me for ya. :P

On the way back, I stopped at this restaurant/gift shop that's right on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge. It's so beautiful there on the bridge, looking out at the water and the boats in the distance. I felt lonely again, looking at couples walking around and sharing the view with someone special. I got some fireworks in the gift shop (hoo ha!!!), and a book of stickers that say "Brittany" with beach-related images on them. I also got Vanessa a little holder for her mail. It says, "Things to ignore" or something on it. It says, "Chesapeake Bay Bridge" as well. I thought it was a nice souvenir, funny yet also practical. She puts the mail in there now, rather than having it scattered in random places in the kitchen, so it was a good idea. :) I also got a soft-shelled crab sandwich to go. It was a crab taken out of the shell and fried. The little legs and claws were sticking out of the bun, it was so funny. I would love to eat in the restaurant part if I went down with someone in the future. There's an awesome view of the water there, through these big windows. And the way the room is shaped, it looks like you're in the dining area of a train. They have a nice selection of seafood too.

My drive up from there was rather uneventful, except for the fact that I felt myself getting sicker and sicker as I got closer to New York. Fitting, perhaps? I think I caught Brittany's cold, as I felt a lump in my throat, followed by feeling achey, and then my nose got a little stuffed up. I figured I'd have a bad cold the next day, and I did feel rather crappy, but two days later I was fine.

Anyway, that was my trip. Now you see why it took me so long to get around to writing about it. I'm going back down there again sometime in July. It's a fun time for me, and I'm so happy to be with my daughter. Even the drive is nice, as I get to relax and think about things going on in my life, listen to my music, and snack on candy and junk food.  ;)

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I Hate Being a Transsexual!!!

If anyone who reads this is someone who writes to Nikki at times, please don't ask her about this. She's dealing with enough right now. Write me instead. Thank you.

I said at one point that there are times when I hate being a transsexual. This has never been more true than now. Many of my transsexual readers have spouses who can't reconcile being with a woman. The love is still there, but the physical aspect of the one they love has been changed so irrevocably, that intimacy has become a thing of the past. I always sympathized, but never could relate a problem like this to any real-life experience. Until now. Sort of.

Nikki and I met in November of 2006. She was one of those many lesbians who was in denial, due to pressures from family and friends. She did what everyone expected of her: She got married and had kids. She wasn't happy. She realized she was a lesbian right before we met. It might've been similar to when I realized I'm a transsexual. Anyway, she knew that I was TS from the get-go. I wasn't even full-time yet, and I hadn't changed my name. She saw me for who I really am inside. She's a unique, free-thinking, and open-minded woman. I'm blessed to have her in my life. I would not, and could not, ever regret us meeting and falling in love.

Nikki likes women only. She's had her own way of dealing with what's between my legs, and I believe she wants me to have the surgery as much as I do. After almost three years, being with someone who doesn't have the correct anatomy is taking it's toll on her. This is manifesting itself in various ways. For one, she has a libido, but doesn't want me. She's feeling dysphoric when in bed with me. This is not her fault. It's not my fault either. But hey, I'm upset and angry and I want someone to blame. This is when my agnostic tendencies start to wane, just so I can have a higher power to scream and shake my fist at.

What am I feeling? I don't feel good enough. I'm inadequate. I'm incomplete... a freak with the wrong parts. I feel guilty, even though it isn't my fault. Why should my lover have to settle for less? Why should she be stuck with me, and go about wondering what it would be like to be with a genetic girl? I'm not right for her. She loves me, but I'm not what she wants physically. If I was having GRS in a year or less, this might not be an issue. Of course, I have NO JOB, NO MONEY, and I am NO CLOSER to having GRS than I was five years ago. This is the reverse of many transsexuals' experience. Rather than "driving away" their lover by transitioning, I'm driving away Nikki because I can't finish my transition. I don't want to lose her before I can have surgery.

I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough. I don't want to feel like Nikki is settling for less, physically. I want her to be happy, not frustrated. I want us to be together and to be what she wants. I wish I could have GRS. I have always felt incomplete, but now it's kicked into overdrive. Why did I have to be born this way? Why???

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Current Events (Blast From the Past Entry)

Here's another old MySpace blog. I mention here that I tend to get lazy with blogging. So far, so good... I've been blogging a lot lately, with no end in sight.

A few notes: I always say "delicioso" due to oversaturation of Dora, thanks to more than one of my daughters. The pending trip to North Carolina that I mention below, will be detailed in my next two "blast from the past" entries. And finally, I miss guacamole Doritos!!!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006
-------------------------

Current mood: cheerful

Forgive me, MySpace, for I have not blogged. It's been almost two weeks since my last entry. With unspoken encouragement from a new friend (who is an unstoppable juggernaut with blogging), I've decided to post a new entry, and hopefully I'll do so more often, at least for a little while. I tend to get lazy with such things.

A few weeks ago, I went to Traxx with Nessa (my best friend and room-mate, although I know I have must have mentioned her before). We had a good time for the most part, although I did hear that it was much quieter than usual. There was some lesbian place in the same town opening up that very night. I didn't meet anyone there, but then I've never been the type to just introduce myself to people I don't know. Nessa did talk briefly to this one girl, who then tried to "sell" herself as a dance partner to Nessa, for an AIDS walk donation. That was kind of tacky, and Nessa didn't appreciate it. Nessa and I did dance for a bit, but she had to stop because her leg was killing her (she broke her ankle in three places last summer). It was hurting her for days afterwards. Poor Nessa. I did meet my old best friend's sister there. It had been about 15 years ago that I last saw her. I kind of always knew she was a lesbian, but it turns out that he's gay too. What a trio we make! LOL! Anyway, she's the DJ on Saturday nights, and she's very cool. I had a good time overall.

I'm getting ready for my second trip down to North Carolina to see my daughter! I leave on Friday morning, and I'll be staying at the same motel as last time. It's a really nice one, as they have not only a pool, but the beach is right there. They have a playground too. I was really dreading the nine hours of driving last time, but I actually enjoyed it (especially the trip back up, since I didn't get lost... and I loved the Chesapeake Bay Bridge!). I'm looking forward to getting my guacamole Dorito chips, candy (mostly things I can suck on, like red hots or root beer barrels), a bagel with lox in the morning, and heading out on the road. I plan on getting down there at around 6 or 7 PM the latest, to check out one of those seafood places down there. My daughter lives near the Outer Banks (which means it's by the sea, duh... hehe) and there are many seafood restaurants down there. Crab, lobster, scallops, shrimp...! Kick ass! Then I'll pick up my daughter on Saturday morning and I'll probably take her back to that "Stack `Em Up" breakfast joint where lots of hick people stared at us. LOL! It's weird, that place was almost like the cafeteria back in high school.

The guys on MySpace harrass me constantly. Maybe if I change my default pic to something "not me," they'll leave me alone. This one guy writes me saying he'll pay to smell my sweaty feet. Uhh...can you say nasty? This other guy wants me to kick and punch him in the balls. Words failed me at that point, ROFL!

I went to the Green Cactus Grill on Friday night with Latoya, a friend from work. (Hi, La La!!!) We both had a huge plate of nachos. Damn, they were so good! I was going to try something else, but with her sitting there eating those nachos that I love so much... I just knew I would get jealous. Ha ha! Anyway, we had a good time, and just pigged out. The next night, I went to dinner with my friend from my other job, Daria. Guess where we went? Green Cactus Grill! (Can you tell I like that place?) She didn't get the nachos, so I was able to try the vegetarian burrito. It was mucho delicioso! She got a Fajita Burrito Enchilada-Style, and she loved it. Then we were still talking and stuff, so I got some chips and just loaded up with salsa and pico from the salsa bar.

I had a salad tonight, and I'll have one for lunch tomorrow. I had been doing really good on the salad (five meals a week) and pink grapefruit (four breakfasts a week) semi-diet. I kind of fell off of that. I just like to eat yummier stuff. But I don't want to gain a lot of weight back, so I have to eat evilly in moderation again.

I'm really looking forward to X-Men 3. The second one was so good. And this one has Jean Grey as Phoenix (at least I think so). Phoenix was the most awesome female character in comics back then. She was gorgeous, had great hair (LOL), compassionate, had true beauty of spirit... but piss her off and she'll destroy the universe. Bwah ha ha ha! One bad-ass chick. My role model in life. (Be afraid, be very afraid!) Anyway, May 26th, I am there. And you better be there with me too, Nessa... or you'll awaken the wrath of the Phoenix!

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"I Lost 13 Pounds in 5 Weeks!" (Diet From the Past Entry)

Yes, the title sounds like a weight-loss ad. I meant to do that.  :P

Five weeks ago, I started the Special K diet. I would have a regular dinner, and two Special K protein bars for the other two meals. I would snack on raw vege's and fruit if I got hungry between meals. Yes, I lost 13 pounds. I went from about 165 pounds to 152. Now before you hate me... well, this may make you hate me more... yeah, if you're transgendered, you probably will... I am 5'5" and I have a somewhat small frame. It would be small for a man anyway, and about medium for a woman. My BMI (body mass index) at 165 pounds was 27.5, which is just overweight for my height. My BMI now is 25.3. Just over the border there. A year ago, I was 140 pounds (23.3 BMI, the upper end of normal weight), and in some of my pics back in late 2003/2003 (I know I have some scantily-clad pics of me somewhere around here... ah yes, here they are!) was 130 pounds (21.6 BMI, which puts me right in the middle of my target weight). Luckily, I inherited a lot of genes from my mother's side of the family. They're all small-boned and skinny! My uncles are pretty tall, so thank goodness some of my Aunt Kathryn's or Aunt Ann-Louise's height helixes just passed on to me.

(This is my current weight and BMI.)

I'm out of Special K bars now, and I don't have enough money to buy a month's supply ($55 at Meijer!), so I'm doing a three-day diet. Some of you may have heard of this one, supposedly from the Miami Heart Institute. Some have claimed that it either didn't work, or the weight came back right away. Well, it worked for me, and I remained at my weight for over a year... your mileage may vary. They give you specific things to eat, and specific instructions of how much to eat. I did this diet a little over three years ago, and I lost eight pounds! In three days! I ran through the diet a week later, but only lost four pounds the second time. I believe I was about 140 pounds when I did this three years ago. Maybe I'll lose more this time, since there's more to lose? (I tend to think it works that way.)

Anyway, here's the diet. This is sort of a "blast from the past" entry, but I'm only reprinting the diet info this time. After reading all this, it would be rather monotonous to include what I was thinking back then. It was much the same!

If anyone tries this diet, I would be really interested to see how you fare. Leave me a comment, or write your own blog entry about it, and give me a heads-up. Good luck to any who give it a shot!

Oh yeah... I hate beets with a passion. I thought I was going to throw up for awhile there. I have to eat them again on Monday night.  :*(

Here's a link to a PDF file with the same basic info below. It would print out rather nicely:
http://www.cat-p.com/miamidiet.pdf



Miami Heart Institute
4701 North Meridan Avenue
Miami Beach, FL 33140
Phone: (305) 672-1111

MUST BE FOLLOWED EXACTLY - Lose 10 lbs. in 3 days

FIRST DAY:

Breakfast: Black coffee or tea, 1/2 grapefruit, 1 slice of toast, 2 tbls. of peanut butter
Lunch: 1/2 cup of tuna (4 oz.), 1 slice of toast, black coffee or tea
Dinner: Slices of any type of meat (3 oz.), 1 cup of string beans, 1 cup of beets, 1 small apple, 1 cup of vanilla ice cream

SECOND DAY:

Breakfast: 1 egg, 1/2 banana, 1 slice of toast, black coffee or tea
Lunch: 1 cup of cottage cheese, 5 saltine crackers, black coffee or tea
Dinner: 2 hot dogs, 1 cup of broccoli, 1/2 cup of carrots, 1/2 banana, 1/2 cup of vanilla ice cream

THIRD DAY:

Breakfast: 5 saltine crackers, 1 slice of cheddar cheese, 1 small apple, black coffee or tea
Lunch: 1 hard-boiled egg, 1 slice of toast, black coffee or tea
Dinner: 1 cup of tuna (8 oz.), 1 cup of beets, 1 cup of cauliflower, 1/2 cantaloupe, 1/2 cup of vanilla ice cream

Diet works on chemical breakdown and is proven. Do not vary or subsititute any of the above foods. Salt and pepper may be used. No other seasonings. Where no quantities are given, there are no restrictions other than common sense. This is to be used 3 days at a time.

In 3 days you will lose 10 lbs. After 3 days you can eat normal food but do not overdo it. After 4 days of normal eating, start back on your 3-day diet. You can lose up to 40 lbs. in a month if you stick to it.

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Being a Woman: A Blurry Line?

The following is a cross-post from the TransCanada blog. The original post can be found here:

http://tgnotwhatyouthink.blogspot.com/2009/09/bending-breaking.html

My two comments there were so long (and I did a good job, I think) that I decided to make my own blog of it. Some minor things have been altered. Comments welcome, of course.

Years ago, I hung out with a large group of crossdressers and went to drag shows and such. I was a transgresser,  a gender non-comformist. I wore makeup and feminine clothing, yet often didn't try to pass as female. (It's all documented in my "blast from the past" entries, and I had coined my own term, "duplex mode" to refer to that mode of presentation.) I had a lot of fun and I really didn't care what people thought. Now that I've realized I'm a transsexual (running strong for six years), I care. Sometimes I care too much what people think.

I hate to say it, but I don't consider drag queens or crossdressers to be women.

Drag queens probably wouldn't care either way. "Hey, honey... I'm not a woman... but I look dammmmm good!"

Crossdressers would probably be a bit irate. "I'm every bit of a woman as you are." Well... if they were, wouldn't they at least have the desire to transition, even if they weren't able to?

Keep in mind that I'm also polite in mixed company, and always refer to crossdressers as women and use the correct pronouns. It would be disrespectful not to.

Near the end of my outings (in more than one sense of the word!) with my crossdressing friends, I found that they were hindering my ability to be seen as female. I was sitting at a bar with two crossdressers. One looked really good. The other... ehhh, not really. I overheard these women at the bar when I was coming back from the bathroom. "That one is a man! What about the one next to her?" "Yeah, I think that one is too. What about the one who went to the bathroom? She is kind of pretty." I sat down. They stared at me and then looked at each other, nodding their heads and smiling. Dammit! I felt so bad but I really wanted to ditch my friends and find some genetic girls to hang out with. That made me feel terrible because they were my friends!

So it would seem that you are either female inside, or not. But isn't gender more like an ocean? You know, like these Myspace or Facebook quizzes that everyone takes. "You are 80% female." So I'm 20% male? Is that because I like computers, comic books and D&D? I recently read of some transsexual woman from overseas, who said that she believed herself to be 45% male, and 55% female. Her therapist agreed with her, and wouldn't give her the letter she needed for GRS. I don't think that's right.

I would think that if you were more male than female inside, you're a man. If you're 30% female and 70% male, then you would generally have no problem being being called a man and seen as one. You would probably not experience any dysphoria. But with such a large percentage of femininity in you, that might need some release via crossdressing, or maybe in some other way. It's often hard to tell who is a crossdresser and who is a transsexual, because nobody can be sure of these percentages. This often includes the person in question.

I'm not an elitist. So many crossdressers have said that they're envious of my long hair, boobs, and that I never have to hide anything. I do think that most of them realize the sacrifices one must make in order to transition. Yeah, I have all those things, and more. But look at what I don't have. Family, friends (though I'm making new ones), being gendered as something other than what I'm trying my best to present - female, a job (I seem to impress them at the interview, and then I'm sure they run my background check and see my old name), and the list goes on and on. Some of them might transition if they didn't have to lose those things. Or maybe they just enjoy waking up in the morning after a drag show and spending a day as nothing more than the average male.

It's hard for many transsexuals to imagine wanting some "guy time," and it's hard for many crossdressers to be able to see how a transsexual could have GRS and "cut it off," since they often prize that aspect of their antatomy. Transsexuals have more of a drive to be live as a woman. It's a full time job. Crossdressers (those with a greater percentage of male than female) enjoy femininity as a part-time job. No benefits, no 401K, but then they enjoy their other job and don't want to give that up.

Hey honey, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

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Letter From Grandma

This is a letter I got from my grandmother yesterday. As I've mentioned in previous posts, my grandma is one of the only people in my family who accepts me for me... that I'm a woman. I got to visit her early last month, and she finally got to see me for who I really am. (Click here to see the rundown of that visit... look two paragraphs under the picture of the police gorilla. LOL!) Her letters always make me smile from ear to ear. I just wanted to share this with anyone who might be reading, and show you how awesome my grandma is.



Dearest Amy and Family,

Thank you so much for your short visit. It was so nice to see some of the kids. I wish you had brought all of them. The pictures you gave me were all so nice, and they are cute kids. I am so mad. The pictures I took of you all came out blank. I dropped my camera and exposed the film. I was so angry, but I know it was all my fault. I hope you can take some pictures and send some to me.

I think you are a beautiful woman, and I'm proud of you for following your heart and feelings. It's too bad you suffered all those years. Being transsexual is no shame anymore, and people have to get used to it. I think you're better as a woman, and you talk more than you ever did, and I think you're much happier than you were. I'm so sorry your mom feels the way she does, but maybe she will get over it.

Your mom and dad were here the other day, and we had a nice visit. I never mentioned your name because I didn't want to upset them. I had talked to your dad previously, and I told him that you were here last month. He said, "Why didn't he come out to the house?" I told him you said someone told you that you weren't wanted, and to never come near them again. I told him you said you didn't want to cause trouble, and you just wanted to be happy. I think your dad just tries to make your mom happy, and I should've called him while you were here. He did look at the pictures of the kids, but your mom didn't, and I never said a word. Maybe someday she will understand.

Your uncle Dennis said he would've come over to see you. I know he understands. His wife's ex-husband left her and married a man, and they come to all of Dennis and Barbara's affairs and they seem to be happy together. Barbara and Dennis accept them, and we all do. They had a boy and a girl, and their daughter got married and they were both in the wedding party.

I hope you had a good trip home and no problems. It was nice that Deanna and Candice called you, and I hope they call you again.* They said they both have always loved you, and they wish you lots of happiness. My door is always open, and I love you so much, and I hope and pray that all goes well for you always. Love to all your family.

Lots of love,

Grandma



* Deanna and Candice are my cousins, and they didn't call me, but actually messaged me online. My grandma has no clue of anything internet or computer related. That doesn't mean she isn't absolutely wonderful, though!

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Best Makeup Sex Ever

...well, as far as I can remember, anyway.

No, this is not Nikki and I!

Things are okay between Nikki and I now (see my last entry). I have to be vague on some of the specifics because this is a private matter. However, it does have to do with trust issues for both Nikki and I, and our friends (who are a couple) are involved. Nevertheless, I do want to document this to a certain extent, so please bear with me.

It was bad. I broke Nikki's trust by going somewhere I shouldn't have, and then reading something I wasn't meant to read. What I read broke my trust in Nikki.

Two nights ago, I was packing my bags to leave and go back to New York. Nikki and I were screaming terrible things at each other. My plan was to hitchhike back. (Yes, I know... dangerous! I wasn't thinking.) My grandma might have let me stay at her place, but I don't think she drives anymore. I really didn't want to call my parents. I just wanted out. My heart hurt too much, I couldn't handle the stress and the anxiety, and I was furious as hell.


I never made it out the front door. I collapsed to the floor and cried with my head on my luggage. Nikki came over and wrapped her arms around me. I told her to go away, but made no attempt to dislodge her. She was breaking through my barriers. Nikki and I talked it out. We agreed that we both made a mistake. It sure wouldn't be easy, but we said we would take things one day at a time, and try to see if we can regain our trust in one another. Nevertheless, I pulled an all-nighter, involuntarily. I barely ate at all that day.

Now we're up to yesterday. A new day dawned, and I found myself running to the bathroom with severe stomach pains and dizziness. I was trying to help get the kids ready for school, and the room started spinning. Luckily, what had to come out, chose the right path to do so. I came out of the bathroom feeling like I had lost 10 pounds. I'm sure you've all been there.

I was greeted with accusations from one of our friends that I mentioned above. Accusations against Nikki. They were also derogatory towards me. This friend had no reason to be mad at me.

"...she's only been with a transgender which makes me wonder if she really is a lesbian.....she may just be in denial for the fact that she's bi-sexual..."

I'm a woman. I look like one, act like one, and think like one. I'm sorry she's so closed-minded that she can't see past that one certain body part that does not belong there. I am more than what's between my legs. Besides, this had nothing to do with the problem they were having!

As far as the accusations, I was able to see they had to be false. A few of them seemed to be on the mark at first, which caused another flare-up between Nikki and I. But on closer examination, we realized that our former friend was working from information that she would've already known. Well, this paragraph makes no sense to anyone, I'm sure.

I had to go the clinic to get some bloodwork done for my HRT (hormone replacement therapy). On the way back, I stopped by their house to see if I could get some real answers. I wanted to see if our frienemy could lie to my face. I also had that little one percent, that little devil on my shoulder, that believed her. Nobody answered. I grabbed some Taco Bell on the way back. Hey, it was comfort food. I figure with all the calories I lost due to barely eating over the last two days, I could splurge just once.

Things are okay now. We had awesome makeup sex, and for me at least, I feel a sense of renewal in our relationship. Our former friend was trying to break us up with all her accusations. It's so obvious that she's majorly pissed for her own reasons, and trying to mess up Nikki's life. That's one thing, and I don't tolerate it, mind you... but trying to hurt me is another matter. I did nothing to this girl. Nothing. We've been friends for two years, and the things this woman is saying about us now are just horrible.

"I really don't appreciate Nikki emailing [my wife] and telling her lies...this is an a & b conversation between me and Amy c your way out, Nikki, I know you're reading this......you know I'm 2 old for this......we are not in middle school anymore, Nikki...besides what purpose would it serve for me to lie, all it did was hurt me, and why would I want to hurt myself.....you also lied about not wanting to hurt me and well, guess what you just did.....good job, you are such a great friend, 2 thumbs up for your performance .....you are the one that started this bullshit and you turned it all around on me....you are such fucking slut......I never want to talk to you ever again....this is why I hate people, they're such assholes.......I thought you more mature than that, but I was wrong......I don't like dicks, if I did I would be with a guy and you are fatter than [my wife], ick....it's obvious you like dicks because you keep going for transgenders, so go and be with a guy already, damn.....I hate women that claim they are a lesbian when they're really not, it gives lesbians a bad name ......you know I don't even know why I bother writing this to you.....YOU are NOT worth it.....a true friend wouldn't do this to another......you were never a friend in the first place, just a user.......you are just like my aunt Carla all fucked up in the head....have a good fucking life you fucking breeder......"

Nikki doesn't read my online messages. "Breeder?" Without "breeders," she never would've been born. She's met our kids and held our youngest daughter in my arms. Calling my fiancee a breeder shows no respect for our children as well. So who is really acting as if she is in middle school and immature? I think many people would agree that being with a transsexual woman does not make lesbians look bad. God forbid someone thinks outside of the box here (no pun intended).

Now we see this "friend's" true colors. Has she always thought of me this way, and was too polite to say? She objectifies me as a sex object! My girlfriend and I are being judged for what's between my legs, which is nobodies damn business. This is a lesbian couple, who has been judged by their family to no end. Their family sees them as just friends, due to the fact that they are both women. Some of these family members were present at the commitment ceremony. They are sick and tired of not being seen as a couple... because of what's between their legs. It makes me sick that somebody could go through that kind of heartache and frustration... only to inflict the same judgements on others.

Our frienemy's wife is innocent, I believe. She had nothing to do with any of this, as was I. She's still on my Facebook friends for now, though for how long, who can say? I'm not sure if I can be friends with one and not the other. I don't know how much she believes her wife's ramblings. She may be reading this blog, as she follows it on Facebook. All I can say is that I'm sorry if you're hurt or upset that I published the letter above. I need to get this out, and show the total intolerance that one friend can show another.

I am a person, not a sex object. Nikki and I don't categorize ourselves due to what's between my legs (for now, anyway). Inside, I am a woman through and through. Maybe once I have GRS, people will see us a lesbian couple? I kind of doubt that, but then again it don't make no lick of a difference to me anyway. Why the hell would it?

EDIT: I've just realized that one of my friend's names was in the longer message above. I've removed all instances of her name and replaced it with: "[my wife]." My apologies to my friend!

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