Sigh.
Let me backtrack.
I may have mentioned it in this blog once or twice, that Sarah has some psychological problems, the majority of which stem from abuse delivered by her father. She's in therapy, and she's on medication.
Lately, she's been glaring at me (and Nikki as well) with such a look of pure hatred and anger. It's daunting, to say the least. I feel such negative energy coming off of her, and I can't stand it. That's even worse than all the talking back. Ask her really nice to do something, like pick up her own clothes which she's dumped all over the floor. "Nah." That just makes me go, "GRRRR!"
The other day, we went to see her psychiatrist, and her therapist popped in as well. Her therapist said a few things that were new to us, and a few others we had suspected all along. Basically, Sarah has stopped growing emotionally. She's built up this fantasy world of grandma and daddy (forgetting entirely the abuse she suffered at his hands... no, he would treat her much better than we do, she seems to think). She's living back in Spring/Summer of 2007. Two and a half years have gone by, and she still wants mommy and daddy to be together, and she wants to be with grandma and grandpa (the latter of which has passed away). She hasn't mourned. She hasn't accepted the changes and the way things are now. Her therapist also said that she wants mommy all to herself, without mama (me) and her two sisters. She wants mommy to be grandma, and dote on her the way grandma used to.
Her therapist asked her what is the worst problem you have, the one that upsets you the most, and that you wish would change.
Sarah pointed at me without saying a word. The room fell dead silent.
I felt like I was just found out to be a witch, or I was the one who murdered all those innocent people. "She's the one! Burn her at the stake!" "It's her, sheriff! Lock her up and throw away the key." I made not a move, but felt as if I was shrinking in my seat. Shrinking inside.
Today, Nikki picked up a folder of papers that Sarah had been writing in to show to her therapist. I oversaw the words, "I DON'T LIKE AMY," near the beginning. I told Nikki I didn't want to see anymore or I would start crying. (I did cry anyway, about ten minutes later.) Basically, she partly blames me and partly blames Nikki, for Nikki and her ex (her dad) splitting up. She can't stand that Nikki agrees with everything I say (it's more like we always agree at the get-go, and are on the same page), and she thinks that I have thirty-year-old temper tantrums and go into the bedroom (more like I go in there when I've had enough and don't want to deal with kids for awhile).
I know I shouldn't take it personally. I know she's trying to find a scapegoat to blame for her family splitting up the way it did. I know she's undergoing psychiatric care, and that she's just a confused eleven-year-old trying to find her way. I know there are plenty of times she's told me "I love you," and saying it first, or that therer's many times she's genuinely enjoyed a conversation with me.
But it hurts anyway.
I love her, after all.
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