Brittany is my one and only biological daughter, and at the time of this post, I have not spoken to her for a year. I miss her so very much. I'll remind all of you that I am indeed Brittany's father, and I was unaware of the fact that I'm a transsexual until early 2003.I still remember when she was born. She wailed and wailed until they let me hold her. At that point, she stopped crying and looked up at me with her beautiful eyes. Then I started crying! It remains the most profound and touching moment of my life.
Bursting out of the closet (one of her favorite games then) in 2003. She was two years old.
Some time after Brittany was born, her mother got a job. She worked during the day, and I worked the graveyard shift. I would sleep while Brittany took her nap, and then for a few more hours when her mother came home. Brittany was a very mild baby, and she was a good sleeper from the start.
When Brittany was a year old, her mother started going out and partying, instead of coming home to let me rest before work. Sometimes she would come home so late, that I would be late for work. Never mind that I was already doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc. We were fighting all the time. In July of 2003, she wanted me to stay at my parents' house for a week. I knew it would end up being for good, so I fought it, but eventually gave in, since I couldn't handle the stress anymore. She did indeed tell me not to come back, and I moved out my things while she was at work. She changed the locks after a few days.
Three years old, 2004.
I had visitation with Brittany every weekend, and she would stay overnight with me at my parents' house. Child support was also set up. In 2004, we found out that Brittany's mother hadn't been paying the maintenance charges for the condo, for almost a year! She was in danger of foreclosure. My father had co-signed on the place, so he was liable as well. I allowed Brittany's mom to move both of them down to North Carolina, as long as she brought Brittany up every other month for visitation. She had told me at the time that she was getting a place with her sister, but when I went down there, she said her sister had moved back to upstate New York. Instead, there was this man there by the name of Michael, who was her boyfriend.
One of my trips to North Carolina is detailed in two blog posts: here and here.
Four years old, 2005.
The arrangement with visitation lasted for about two years, upon which she said she couldn't travel because the doctor told her she had to be on bedrest during her latest pregnancy. Then after the baby was born, she couldn't take the baby with them, etc., etc. The last time I saw Brittany was in April of 2007. In January of that year, I went down there with Nikki and Skylar. Brittany's mother had a real bitch fit (actually, a jealous fit) over the fact that I brought Nikki. She and her fiancee (yes, she tried to rub it in my face that they were engaged now, but I couldn't have cared less) both noticed my chest and some other more subtle cues. She forbade me to bring Nikki again, but of course, it was my decision, not hers. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to travel down there again, due to all the problems Nikki and I were facing at the time (see this entry, one of many). Brittany got to meet Sarah and Savannah in April of 2007, when we were staying at a motel. I forget the circumstance, but it was a rare moment that Brittany got to come back up to New York for a couple days. There was some confusion, since Brittany was calling me "Daddy," while the other two only knew me as "Mama." It was interesting, to say the least! They took to each other right away, though. At one point, Brittany was throwing a fit and wouldn't leave the McDonald's play area when it was time to go. Sarah coaxed her out, saying, "I can't leave without my sister!"
Summer of 2006, five years old.
When I moved to Michigan with Nikki and the kids, her mother really freaked out, and wouldn't let me talk to Brittany on the phone again. She had been hoping for years that I would move, thus releasing her from the court order stating that she was to bring Brittany to me for visitation. This was another jealous fit, and she blamed it on the fact that I wasn't working. She said I wouldn't get to talk to Brittany on the phone, much less visit her, until I had a job and she was getting child support again. She said that since she wasn't getting child support, I no longer had the right to talk to Brittany. I doubt this is true, but then again, I've heard varying opinions on this.
Another from Summer, 2006.
She kept saying the nastiest things about me, and also about Nikki, and asking me very disrespectful questions (for example, asking me if Nikki pretends to be a man to further my "fantasy"), until I would have to hang up on her. I never told her mother that I'm a transsexual, mind you, because I feared her denying my visitation. As it is, my rights are still intact. I yearn to work again, not just to be a member of society once more, but to hire a legal aide in North Carolina to get me reconnected with my daughter. We just have no money to spare right now, unfortunately.
Christmas, 2006.
By all rights, Nikki and I should have Brittany. Her mother is emotionally and mentally handicapped. She can drive a car, but she has the maturity of a twelve-year-old. I heard her arguing on the phone with Brittany once, telling her daughter that a "mayflower" was a kind of flower, not a boat. I had to correct her. Why did I get involved with this woman, you ask? I wanted to take care of her, as she was a victim of multiple abusers, and things just kept on going. I was all she had, and I couldn't abandon her. Once she got pregnant, I felt obliged to marry her. Anyway, that seems like a lifetime ago. All in all, she is not a good mother. Her kids just walk all over her, and she seems just as immature as they are.
A school picture from Spring, 2007. Brittany is six years old here.
I can tell you who Brittany was at six years old, so this will be in past tense. She was stubborn, yet loving. Somewhat out of control, because little boundaries had been set for her. She had seizures, in which she stared off into space, and occassionally urinated in her pants. She suffered migraines afterwards. She's been on multiple medications for this, and last I heard, the seizures were under control.
She loved Dora, and Dora toys were mostly what she wanted for Christmas. She was bored by anything else that was "cartoony." She did well with her work in school, yet had trouble paying attention in class. She loved salads and those little Starbucks drinks you can buy at the supermarket. She was very sensitive, and often went into "sulking periods," where she would sit with her back to you and wouldn't budge. This was an attention-seeking tactic though, because she would make sure you were reacting in some way (which I often went out of my way not to).
Fall of 2008. Seven years old.
She loved drawing and showing me her latest pictures. She enjoyed dancing and jumping around. If there was something she found funny, or fun, she would do it over and over again.
I miss my Brittany. I know I'll see her again, sooner or later. I just hope it won't be for too much longer.
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