A day went by without me posting a blog entry! That hasn't happened for over a month. Well, here's another old MySpace blog, in which I finally figured out how to post an entry to a select list of people. The reason I didn't post this publicly at the time, is because I wasn't out to all my friends yet, and I was also looking for someone. I preferred to let the certain someone know all about me via a private conversation, not from them reading my blog.A few updates here: I didn't end up having my name changed and such until June of 2007. I still haven't had SRS/GRS/what-have-you. Thailand still makes me nervous, but as it's the cheapest way to go, I think I'll have to be going there for the surgery. You'll notice that even back in 2006, I was begging for donations! My family has basically abandoned me (at least for the time being), with the exception of two cousins and a grandma. I haven't spoken to Brittany for a year and a half.
Oh, and I still laugh when reading the little story at the end!
Sunday, March 26, 2006
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Current mood: peaceful
*** PRIVATE ENTRY ***
Welcome to my private blog! If you can read this, either MySpace screwed up (thus screwing me in the process), or you have been added to my private list of people who know a certain something about me (mainly that I'm a transsexual...although I do hate that word, for there is nothing "sexual" about it). In the private entries, I'll be chatting about anything going on in my life (or in my head) that have to do with the fact that I'm transgendered. In case you don't already know, this is not a big dark secret in my life...in fact, I'll be telling a lot of people about me soon (more on that next). But I don't feel that it's everyone's business of what I have between my legs (for the time being). I enjoy the simple act of choosing to tell who I wish. The only people that I am nervous about telling this to, are those who I am interested in. It seems no matter how casual things are, if I like her, I have trouble just saying, "I'm a transsexual." Hopefully this will improve over time.
Some general goings-on in my life for those who don't know: I have been on hormones for 2.5 years (can't ya tell?). These medicines are: Estradiol (estrogen), Spironolactone (testosterone blocker), and Proscar (DHT blocker...DHT causes baldness in men). I'm growing my hair out, and I think it looks pretty good. I've had 40 hours of electrolysis so far, with many hours to come. Yes, it hurts like a son of a bitch! I'm going to a therapist who specializes in GID (gender identity disorder). In either August or September, I'll be transitioning to live as a woman full-time. I can't wait! Not only will I be me 24/7 (free!!!), but my name will be legally changed to Amy, my license will have the "F" rather than the "M," and naturally, everyone at work will know. I don't look forward to telling my relatives or my ex. My relatives are very old-fashioned, and they may not want to see me again, but I'm hoping for the best. As for my ex, she does not understand anything, and thinks that gays and lesbians are mentally disturbed and sinners against God. She is also difficult with just about anything that has to do with me. Brittany is only five, and she views things as a lot of kids view them...simply. She tells me that I'm a girl, but naturally, my ex tells her otherwise. My ex doesn't know that I'm a transsexual, only that I like to wear women's clothes and makeup sometimes. I am pretty damn sure that my efforts to help Brittany understand that her father is really a woman, will be constantly undermined by my ex. I will try my best...but I really do not see any good solution out of this one. This will be the hardest aspect of my transition, and I wish I could spare Brittany this confusion. About two years (maybe less) down the road, I plan to have my SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery)...making my anatomy match the way that I am inside. I must live as a woman for one complete year before having this operation, but the hardest part will be coming up with the money. Unless I go to Thailand (which would scare the shit out of me), I will be paying $15,000 or more for the surgery. Can any of you spare a dime...or maybe a bunch of them? LOL!
In closing, I would like to relate a funny story. I was at my second job yesterday, and someone else at work followed my friend, Andrea, outside when she went to her car. (I told Andrea about me last month, and she was very cool about it. She's a great friend.) He asked Andrea if I was a man or a woman. I confided in her, so naturally, she said that I am a man. He said, "Well, he has boobs." "Really? I never noticed." "How can you not notice?" "I don't usually look there when I look at him. Hey, why are YOU looking there?" He just laughed. There was a pause, and then he said, "He's not turning transsexual on us, is he?" She said, "I don't know." She told me this in an email before I left work, and I was forcing back the laughter. She was a little surprised that I wasn't upset or nervous about the whole thing. I just find it so funny. I love myself and I am greatly enjoying the journey that I am on (although there have been many times that I just hate being trans!), and I am at the point where I just find such things amusing at best. My real reaction to this comes in two parts:
1) I guess people at work aren't going to be that surprised after all! and...
2) These sports bras don't hide as much as I thought they did.
My "special readers," please feel free to leave comments as you desire, or just send me a message. Once I tell someone about this, I'm very open about it, so if you have any questions, please ask! It's the best way to learn. :)
Currently reading: Dalamar the Dark (Dragonlance Classics, Vol. 2)
By Nancy Varian Berberick
Release date: 01 January, 2000
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