Tuesday, June 13, 2006
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For those who don't know, I'm still technically married. I've been separated from the mother of my child for almost four years now. It was not anything having to do with me enjoying wearing women's clothes and makeup (back then, I thought I was a crossdresser, so she did as well... but she knew such from the very beginning). Simply put, she married too young. She had no childhood to speak of, being shuffled from foster home to foster home, from abusive parents, and then abusive foster parents. In a sense, she started living a normal life when she met me. But things just happened too soon. When she was 21, she was still pretty immature, yet now was married to me, had a kid, and a home to take care of. I ended up taking care of the baby and the condo, and I was alone most of the time. She was out partying, hanging with friends, and sometimes coming home so late that I ended up being late for work (I used to work the graveyard shift). I guess my taking care of everything while she pranced about like a spoiled princess was too much for her, so she decided she wanted a separation. I was deeply depressed for about a month, and then began my healing process. Today, I regret the fact that I ever became involved with her, and I really wish I didnt have to talk to her, but then there is Brittany. My daughter is a shining beacon of love and innocence in my life. I would do it all over again just so I could have my daughter.Anyway, we have been doing the uncontested divorce thing. We have nothing really to fight over, as far as property or shared items. Visitation and child support have already been worked out, and have been in effect for years. In January, I mailed a check to her lawyer for the index number fee. It was never cashed. A few weeks ago, I find out that the check has to come from the lawyer, not me. The lawyer delivered the summons to me (of which I am not required to appear in court), and he gave me my check back. I wrote him a new check to his name. He said he would mail me the papers on what the details of the divorce would be, sometime during the week. I have not gotten anything yet, big surprise. But at least things are set in motion now. Before the divorce is final, I can't really transition into living a woman's life full-time. She might use it as leverage in court and escalate the whole thing into a full-fledged divorce. I have no doubt in my mind that she would do that to get my visitation rights taken away.
Last night, I get a weird text message from my ex.
"What do I have to do?"
I didn't answer it. I deleted it and marveled on how strange she is sometimes. This morning, while I'm at work, she sends it again. So I reply, like an idiot.
"Do about what?"
"To get what I want."
"What do you want? What are you talking about?"
"I want what I can't have."
Okay, the loud claxons started going off about now. She wants me back now? My first reaction was, Ha. Ha ha. Bahhh ha ha ha! My second reaction: Bahhhh ha ha ha!
I kept telling her that I didn't know what she meant. Then she tells me to say to the lawyer, never mind. Uhh, WHAT? She said she wasnt going to go through with it, and we could just stay like this forever. The only real reaction that I've given her so far, is that she paid him $1000, and I spent $205 for the index number. If she was going to cancel the whole thing, I want my $205 back. She texts back, "Nope." I'm pissed and just a bit scared right now. So I decided that ignoring her for a bit would do the trick. I had too much to do at work at the moment anyway.
I don't know whats happening. If this divorce doesn't happen, I'll have to put off my transition for quite awhile. I'll also have to shell out $5,000 to $10,000 that could be used for other things (surgery, hint hint), if I even had that kind of money to begin with. Being myself has become such a joy for me, that naturally I want it all the time. Other people get to be themselves every hour of every day of their life, so why should I be denied? I have put so much work into this goal of becoming me. Three long years of therapy, hormones, laser hair removal, electrolysis, not to mention the fact that I went back to school so I could do this (almost a year of working full-time and school full-time, ugh, that's a whole other story though). It's too late for me to turn back on this, and even if I could, I wouldn't. I have to do this.
Now that I feel in jeopardy about my transition, I've been reminded of how badly I want this, and how much it means to me. When someone is working towards something for several years, they tend to forget the big picture of what life will be like. Sure, I think of living as a woman and how wonderful that would be for me, but most times it's tempered by other thoughts, day-to-day things... hanging out with this friend, I have to pay that bill, why is my car making that noise? I am mere months away from this transition occurring, and it will be one of the most wonderful things ever to happen in my life. My defining moment, my sundering the chains of my old life to finally begin to live life the way I should. And instead I must stay married to this sad, jealous, immature asshole? Uh-uh. Not happening. It's more than a matter of wanting it now, I need this. I need to be me. She is standing in the way of that. NOT a good place to be.
I'll keep you all posted...
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