No, this is not Nikki and I!
Things are okay between Nikki and I now (see my last entry). I have to be vague on some of the specifics because this is a private matter. However, it does have to do with trust issues for both Nikki and I, and our friends (who are a couple) are involved. Nevertheless, I do want to document this to a certain extent, so please bear with me.
It was bad. I broke Nikki's trust by going somewhere I shouldn't have, and then reading something I wasn't meant to read. What I read broke my trust in Nikki.
Two nights ago, I was packing my bags to leave and go back to New York. Nikki and I were screaming terrible things at each other. My plan was to hitchhike back. (Yes, I know... dangerous! I wasn't thinking.) My grandma might have let me stay at her place, but I don't think she drives anymore. I really didn't want to call my parents. I just wanted out. My heart hurt too much, I couldn't handle the stress and the anxiety, and I was furious as hell.
I never made it out the front door. I collapsed to the floor and cried with my head on my luggage. Nikki came over and wrapped her arms around me. I told her to go away, but made no attempt to dislodge her. She was breaking through my barriers. Nikki and I talked it out. We agreed that we both made a mistake. It sure wouldn't be easy, but we said we would take things one day at a time, and try to see if we can regain our trust in one another. Nevertheless, I pulled an all-nighter, involuntarily. I barely ate at all that day.
Now we're up to yesterday. A new day dawned, and I found myself running to the bathroom with severe stomach pains and dizziness. I was trying to help get the kids ready for school, and the room started spinning. Luckily, what had to come out, chose the right path to do so. I came out of the bathroom feeling like I had lost 10 pounds. I'm sure you've all been there.
I was greeted with accusations from one of our friends that I mentioned above. Accusations against Nikki. They were also derogatory towards me. This friend had no reason to be mad at me.
"...she's only been with a transgender which makes me wonder if she really is a lesbian.....she may just be in denial for the fact that she's bi-sexual..."
I'm a woman. I look like one, act like one, and think like one. I'm sorry she's so closed-minded that she can't see past that one certain body part that does not belong there. I am more than what's between my legs. Besides, this had nothing to do with the problem they were having!
As far as the accusations, I was able to see they had to be false. A few of them seemed to be on the mark at first, which caused another flare-up between Nikki and I. But on closer examination, we realized that our former friend was working from information that she would've already known. Well, this paragraph makes no sense to anyone, I'm sure.
I had to go the clinic to get some bloodwork done for my HRT (hormone replacement therapy). On the way back, I stopped by their house to see if I could get some real answers. I wanted to see if our frienemy could lie to my face. I also had that little one percent, that little devil on my shoulder, that believed her. Nobody answered. I grabbed some Taco Bell on the way back. Hey, it was comfort food. I figure with all the calories I lost due to barely eating over the last two days, I could splurge just once.
Things are okay now. We had awesome makeup sex, and for me at least, I feel a sense of renewal in our relationship. Our former friend was trying to break us up with all her accusations. It's so obvious that she's majorly pissed for her own reasons, and trying to mess up Nikki's life. That's one thing, and I don't tolerate it, mind you... but trying to hurt me is another matter. I did nothing to this girl. Nothing. We've been friends for two years, and the things this woman is saying about us now are just horrible."I really don't appreciate Nikki emailing [my wife] and telling her lies...this is an a & b conversation between me and Amy c your way out, Nikki, I know you're reading this......you know I'm 2 old for this......we are not in middle school anymore, Nikki...besides what purpose would it serve for me to lie, all it did was hurt me, and why would I want to hurt myself.....you also lied about not wanting to hurt me and well, guess what you just did.....good job, you are such a great friend, 2 thumbs up for your performance .....you are the one that started this bullshit and you turned it all around on me....you are such fucking slut......I never want to talk to you ever again....this is why I hate people, they're such assholes.......I thought you more mature than that, but I was wrong......I don't like dicks, if I did I would be with a guy and you are fatter than [my wife], ick....it's obvious you like dicks because you keep going for transgenders, so go and be with a guy already, damn.....I hate women that claim they are a lesbian when they're really not, it gives lesbians a bad name ......you know I don't even know why I bother writing this to you.....YOU are NOT worth it.....a true friend wouldn't do this to another......you were never a friend in the first place, just a user.......you are just like my aunt Carla all fucked up in the head....have a good fucking life you fucking breeder......"
Nikki doesn't read my online messages. "Breeder?" Without "breeders," she never would've been born. She's met our kids and held our youngest daughter in my arms. Calling my fiancee a breeder shows no respect for our children as well. So who is really acting as if she is in middle school and immature? I think many people would agree that being with a transsexual woman does not make lesbians look bad. God forbid someone thinks outside of the box here (no pun intended).
Now we see this "friend's" true colors. Has she always thought of me this way, and was too polite to say? She objectifies me as a sex object! My girlfriend and I are being judged for what's between my legs, which is nobodies damn business. This is a lesbian couple, who has been judged by their family to no end. Their family sees them as just friends, due to the fact that they are both women. Some of these family members were present at the commitment ceremony. They are sick and tired of not being seen as a couple... because of what's between their legs. It makes me sick that somebody could go through that kind of heartache and frustration... only to inflict the same judgements on others.
Our frienemy's wife is innocent, I believe. She had nothing to do with any of this, as was I. She's still on my Facebook friends for now, though for how long, who can say? I'm not sure if I can be friends with one and not the other. I don't know how much she believes her wife's ramblings. She may be reading this blog, as she follows it on Facebook. All I can say is that I'm sorry if you're hurt or upset that I published the letter above. I need to get this out, and show the total intolerance that one friend can show another.
I am a person, not a sex object. Nikki and I don't categorize ourselves due to what's between my legs (for now, anyway). Inside, I am a woman through and through. Maybe once I have GRS, people will see us a lesbian couple? I kind of doubt that, but then again it don't make no lick of a difference to me anyway. Why the hell would it?
EDIT: I've just realized that one of my friend's names was in the longer message above. I've removed all instances of her name and replaced it with: "[my wife]." My apologies to my friend!
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