Another Birthday

[ David Jassy - Match made in Heaven ]

wuddup wudduppppp,
countdown of 5 days til Christ-mas. ya'll done with shopping yet? insaannne how malls dont close til 11pm! any hu, so the other night; like last week (12/12/09) had dinner at Sudachi's Sushi Bar for homegirl's KAT'S BIG 21ST. her bday was a day after Manda's (12/08/09). crazy huh? as i was saying, it was pretty fun. had a couple of dranks, and pretty bomb sushi actually. im not that big of a fan of sushi; i just like their sushi rice. thats about it :)
alright lets start with the pics, IT IS all about the photos yea? (= so beginning of the night; here is a quick pic thee bf snapped of me.now i did the same back to him, dont he just look OH SO HANDSOME? my baby. yanno we was sittin on some seat pads? like on thee flo?!?! yea; okayy... we aint gonna trip NOW after a few drinks right. lol. here is thee BDAY GIRL KATHLEEN & I =D gotta love her & her drunk ass. heres thee babesterr with thee birthday drunky.driiiinks are here!!!! my BLUE LEMONADE was good: a Mixture of Lemonade, spritz of blueberry juice, mixed in with SOJUUU; in the beginning you dont feel the hit; but about half the cup later... need i say more? shit was pretty crackin. gotta keep in mind im a LIGHTWEIGHT, thats allergic to alchi! mmkay? :P here we have Kat, OMARNSTERR a.k.a Mr.Penguin Man, & i. this shit was BOMBBBBBBB, iono if it was just cuz i was buzzing; but shit was fresh. my rice was PERFECTLY moist and soft (not too soft where it tasted like congee), egg was soft and perfectly salted, and the katsu was nice and crisp; the batter was perefectly seasoned. mmMmmMmmmm good.MY MONSTERR ROLLL!!!! (tempura crab wrapped with avacado) i couldnt NOT finish that shit. lol. i was stuffed after my TONKATSU (which btw i murderrrrred with a pistol *POW POW*) ^.^babe ordered thee Teriyaki Chicken (since he cant eat fish), his plate came with ONE PIECE OF GYOZA + a side salad. his shit was pretty bomb too!i then gave thee love her bday gift, got her a Hurley Checkered type COWGIRL button up long sleeve in Purpe&Dark Gray. that had HURLEY in cursive on the back upper right shoulder. i knew she'd love it!
birthday gal's surprised slice of cheesecake from thee restaurant! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE! Make a good wish!!!!!Full body photo! cuz she ONE SEXYYYY biiiitch.here, L-R are: Annie, Me, Kat, and Carmen (carmen what is you doin?!?!) lolhow bout a full body girl group photo as well! now thats better Carmen!before we headed out, quick photo with thee LOVE OF MY LIFE & his baby fohawk.After dinner, most of us headed back to thee bday girl's place and drank some mooore, kicked it watch some movies that was on MTV. lol. last photos of the day! enjoyyy guys!
until next time, i will see ya'll l8r! *deuce deuce* happy DRINKING & safe FCUKING!



- LOVEVA<3

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Letter to Fellow Employees (Blast From the Past Entry)

This was such a big step for me. After coming out to my part-time job, I did the same with my full-time employer. The funny thing is, I was living male at my parents' house, and working as female. I had to go to a deserted parking lot every morning to get changed. I didn't want to go to work and then get changed. That would've been kind of odd. I would have to go to Michigan to have my cake and eat it too. That would be three months after this blog entry. Enjoy.  :)

Friday, May 11, 2007

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Current mood: content

Some of you may not know this, but I came out to my part-time job about a month ago! I apologize to those that haven't known. I know I've been out of touch with some of you. My life has been so crazy lately. A lot of good things are on the way though.

I wrote a letter for all employees. I had to make copies and stuff them into envelopes. Writing via email wouldn't have worked, since not everyone has a company email. I wanted to have them attached to people's paychecks (hey, everyone gets paid, right?), but human resources said that would be a bad idea. Since it was me who wrote this letter and not the company, it would be better if I distributed it myself.

The reponse from my fellow employees was very supportive. I'm very happy about it, and glad that I came out. I only know of one person who doesn't agree with what I'm doing, but she never liked me anyway, so who cares. :P

My username in the system has been changed to Amy, and so has my time card. I can go to work appearing the way I want to now, although my mother has forbade me to leave the house in anything remotely feminine. That makes things... ehhh, interesting. In short, I feel very fulfilled, happy, and I have a sense of wholeness also. It's so wonderful to just be me!

Anyway, here's the letter:



Dear Fellow Employees,

I'm writing this letter to inform you of an important change that's currently taking place in my life. It's not easy to explain, but I'm going to try. I hope that no matter what your reaction is, you'll take the time to read this letter entirely.

I was born into the wrong body. My physical sex does not match my mental gender. In other words, I'm transsexual. It's something that took me years to understand and accept. I'm in the process of changing my body to match the gender that I am inside: female. This is the only way I'll be comfortable in my body and in my role in society.

I have been coming to terms with this for most of my life, so I don't expect this to be easy for other people to understand. I'm not even certain it is possible for a 'normal' person to understand what I am doing. I was not a 'normal man'. I will never be a 'normal woman'. I am now, and always have been, a transsexual woman. Until sometime last year I always tried to hide this fundamental fact about myself. I'm not hiding it anymore. That is the real change in me.

I'm not a transvestite or cross-dresser. I'm not a gay male. (Not that there is anything wrong with being either of those, but I'm not.) I am in a long-term monogamous relationship and that is not going to change. Being transsexual is not a choice. The only known remedy is to physically change gender. It's an unusual medical condition, but it's more common than most people think. Chances are, you've already met other transsexual people without even knowing it.

For over a year now, I've been living two lives. Here at (company name deleted), I'm known as (male name deleted), but to my friends and almost everywhere else, I'm a woman known as Amy. Clearly, I can't continue to do this forever. Furthermore, my body has changed because of the treatments I'm receiving.

The reason that I'm telling you about this 'transition' now is that I will soon be starting the process of the 'life test' where I will be living full-time as the woman I am. I will begin by legally changing my name. I've reached a point where it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to keep this change personal. After I get my name changed, I intend to live as a woman everywhere and that includes (company name deleted). This may require some adjustments on your part, so I think it's important that you know what to expect.

WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM ME?

Overall, you can expect things to remain pretty much the same as they are now, besides the new name and gender. I'll be wearing clothing that is more feminine in nature. I really like working here at (company name deleted), and I'm committed to continue doing a great job and being a part of a great team. I'll try my best to minimize any disruptions caused by my transition on my work and on the team.

For those of you who may be genuinely curious about what I'm doing, I'll make myself available to answer in person or by e-mail any honest questions you may have. I've talked to Jackie, and if you're uncomfortable asking me questions directly, she's agreed to pass them along to me anonymously, and then return my answers to you.

WHAT DO I EXPECT FROM YOU?

You with whom I work are some of the last ones to find out about this. I realize there will be some embarrassment and awkwardness. I'm sorry for that, but I hope this will be an occasion for some of us to think deeply about sex, gender, and sexual preference and what they mean in peoples' lives. I don't expect you to understand or approve of my decision to change gender. However, I expect you to respect and accept this decision. Since I will be legally changing my first name from (male name deleted) to Amy, it's courteous to refer to me by that name. It's also courteous to now refer to me as 'she' rather than 'he'. I won't get upset because of genuine mistakes, as I'm quite aware of how difficult this can be, but I'd appreciate it if you make an effort. Beyond that, there's no need to treat me differently. I'm still the same person, and I hope you'll continue to relate to me like you do now.

(Company name deleted) fully supports my decision to change gender and in doing so, shows its commitment to provide the best work environment for all employees and to embrace diversity in the workplace. In the end, I hope that once you process the information in this letter, you'll come to realize that what I'm doing is really not such a big deal after all.

Sincerely,

Amy/(male name deleted)

Currently listening:

South of Heaven

By Slayer

Release date: 25 October, 1990

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Funny Video Friday: Magic (Drum Cover)

This is more than a simple drum accompaniment to the remake of "Magic" by Selena Gomez. This guy is just so wacky! Watch it and leave comments, por favor.  :)

P.S. - For my connection, at least, this video takes a bit to download. If you find it starting and stopping, just pause it for a minute or two so it can load a bit more.

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Ingrown Hairs!

I have a nasty one (or ones). No, I'm not putting a photo on here. Maybe a visual aide will do.

For over two years now, I've been plucking rather than shaving. My 50-something hours of electrolysis focused mainly on my chin and upper lip. There wasn't much work done on my neck. To prevent end-of-day stubble on my neck (and some shadow as well), I've been plucking. Well, mostly it's Nikki who has been plucking them for me. She's a godsend! She's spent over an hour at a time on most days, plucking hairs from me. How lucky am I? Very!

Every once in awhile, I get an ingrown hair or two. The hair doesn't make it out of the pore, and just keeps on growing, under the skin. This results in a hard mass on my neck, like a big pimple, only harder. After Nikki finds the hair and gets rid of it, the mass gradually gets smaller and is gone after a week or two.

Now I have a really big one. It's been there for almost two weeks, right smack dab on the middle of my neck. It feels like a tumor, but the other difference is that I've gotten quite a bit of pus out of it. (I know, disgusting. Sorry.) I have a doctor appointment tomorrow, so he's going to get introduced to this thing. There's probably this long hair in there that's causing all this ruckus.

I know a lot of transwomen read my blog, and hey, some natal women pluck hairs from their neck also. Has anyone had a problem like this? What have you done about it? Is there any way to prevent these hairs from growing under the skin like this (besides stop plucking, of course)?

My advance thanks to anyone who can give me some advice on this! It's really getting under my skin. Sorry...

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Brittany, My Biological Daughter

Brittany is my one and only biological daughter, and at the time of this post, I have not spoken to her for a year. I miss her so very much. I'll remind all of you that I am indeed Brittany's father, and I was unaware of the fact that I'm a transsexual until early 2003.

Brittany was born on March 12th, 2001. I often called her "Britty-Baby." Her mother and I were both living at my parents' house at the time of her conception. We got married in January of 2001, and we bought a condominium a month later, using settlement money from a recent car accident.

I still remember when she was born. She wailed and wailed until they let me hold her. At that point, she stopped crying and looked up at me with her beautiful eyes. Then I started crying! It remains the most profound and touching moment of my life.

Bursting out of the closet (one of her favorite games then) in 2003. She was two years old.

Some time after Brittany was born, her mother got a job. She worked during the day, and I worked the graveyard shift. I would sleep while Brittany took her nap, and then for a few more hours when her mother came home. Brittany was a very mild baby, and she was a good sleeper from the start.

When Brittany was a year old, her mother started going out and partying, instead of coming home to let me rest before work. Sometimes she would come home so late, that I would be late for work. Never mind that I was already doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc. We were fighting all the time. In July of 2003, she wanted me to stay at my parents' house for a week. I knew it would end up being for good, so I fought it, but eventually gave in, since I couldn't handle the stress anymore. She did indeed tell me not to come back, and I moved out my things while she was at work. She changed the locks after a few days.

Three years old, 2004.

I had visitation with Brittany every weekend, and she would stay overnight with me at my parents' house. Child support was also set up. In 2004, we found out that Brittany's mother hadn't been paying the maintenance charges for the condo, for almost a year! She was in danger of foreclosure. My father had co-signed on the place, so he was liable as well. I allowed Brittany's mom to move both of them down to North Carolina, as long as she brought Brittany up every other month for visitation. She had told me at the time that she was getting a place with her sister, but when I went down there, she said her sister had moved back to upstate New York. Instead, there was this man there by the name of Michael, who was her boyfriend.

One of my trips to North Carolina is detailed in two blog posts: here and here.

Four years old, 2005.

The arrangement with visitation lasted for about two years, upon which she said she couldn't travel because the doctor told her she had to be on bedrest during her latest pregnancy. Then after the baby was born, she couldn't take the baby with them, etc., etc. The last time I saw Brittany was in April of 2007. In January of that year, I went down there with Nikki and Skylar. Brittany's mother had a real bitch fit (actually, a jealous fit) over the fact that I brought Nikki. She and her fiancee (yes, she tried to rub it in my face that they were engaged now, but I couldn't have cared less) both noticed my chest and some other more subtle cues. She forbade me to bring Nikki again, but of course, it was my decision, not hers. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to travel down there again, due to all the problems Nikki and I were facing at the time (see this entry, one of many). Brittany got to meet Sarah and Savannah in April of 2007, when we were staying at a motel. I forget the circumstance, but it was a rare moment that Brittany got to come back up to New York for a couple days. There was some confusion, since Brittany was calling me "Daddy," while the other two only knew me as "Mama." It was interesting, to say the least! They took to each other right away, though. At one point, Brittany was throwing a fit and wouldn't leave the McDonald's play area when it was time to go. Sarah coaxed her out, saying, "I can't leave without my sister!"

Summer of 2006, five years old.

When I moved to Michigan with Nikki and the kids, her mother really freaked out, and wouldn't let me talk to Brittany on the phone again. She had been hoping for years that I would move, thus releasing her from the court order stating that she was to bring Brittany to me for visitation. This was another jealous fit, and she blamed it on the fact that I wasn't working. She said I wouldn't get to talk to Brittany on the phone, much less visit her, until I had a job and she was getting child support again. She said that since she wasn't getting child support, I no longer had the right to talk to Brittany. I doubt this is true, but then again, I've heard varying opinions on this.

Another from Summer, 2006.

She kept saying the nastiest things about me, and also about Nikki, and asking me very disrespectful questions (for example, asking me if Nikki pretends to be a man to further my "fantasy"), until I would have to hang up on her. I never told her mother that I'm a transsexual, mind you, because I feared her denying my visitation. As it is, my rights are still intact. I yearn to work again, not just to be a member of society once more, but to hire a legal aide in North Carolina to get me reconnected with my daughter. We just have no money to spare right now, unfortunately.

Christmas, 2006.

By all rights, Nikki and I should have Brittany. Her mother is emotionally and mentally handicapped. She can drive a car, but she has the maturity of a twelve-year-old. I heard her arguing on the phone with Brittany once, telling her daughter that a "mayflower" was a kind of flower, not a boat. I had to correct her. Why did I get involved with this woman, you ask? I wanted to take care of her, as she was a victim of multiple abusers, and things just kept on going. I was all she had, and I couldn't abandon her. Once she got pregnant, I felt obliged to marry her. Anyway, that seems like a lifetime ago. All in all, she is not a good mother. Her kids just walk all over her, and she seems just as immature as they are.

A school picture from Spring, 2007. Brittany is six years old here.

I can tell you who Brittany was at six years old, so this will be in past tense. She was stubborn, yet loving.  Somewhat out of control, because little boundaries had been set for her. She had seizures, in which she stared off into space, and occassionally urinated in her pants. She suffered migraines afterwards. She's been on multiple medications for this, and last I heard, the seizures were under control.

She loved Dora, and Dora toys were mostly what she wanted for Christmas. She was bored by anything else that was "cartoony." She did well with her work in school, yet had trouble paying attention in class. She loved salads and those little Starbucks drinks you can buy at the supermarket. She was very sensitive, and often went into "sulking periods," where she would sit with her back to you and wouldn't budge. This was an attention-seeking tactic though, because she would make sure you were reacting in some way (which I often went out of my way not to).

Fall of 2008. Seven years old.

She loved drawing and showing me her latest pictures. She enjoyed dancing and jumping around. If there was something she found funny, or fun, she would do it over and over again.

I miss my Brittany. I know I'll see her again, sooner or later. I just hope it won't be for too much longer.

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December Babies

[ Michael Wong - If you still love me ]

season greetings kiddos!
yes, recap. thee best gf Manda had just turned her BIG 21 on 12/07/09! so we celebrated all week so far! lol. Friday night (12/11/09), she had a Open Bottle Booth down at Club Fluid with LevelSF. it was really fun! we all had a blast; seen a couple of friends i havent seen in a hot minute. here are a few photos from the event.
here are the girls and i ALL SOBER btw.
L-R: Mel, Ram, Manda (bday girl!!!), me, Jess, Minnieguess who i bumped into at the club? actually he spotted me first! hahah... ya'll member Mike from MONSTER MASSIVE?? he was sayin wutsup to me and miss Ram papparazzi decides to take a picture. lol. i was hella cold, i was covering my bare legs with manda.ya'll ready for buzzed EVA??? lol. im gettin kinna pink under the eyes, as u can see here in this photo. hahahha... yea im allergic to alcohol; i turn EXTREMELY RED/somewhat blotchy on the chest area & its sometimes difficult for me to breathe. but eh, its a partyyy!! fcuk alluh that!!!! bottoms up nigga. manda, me, and minnieanother photo, pictures being taken left and right... lol. Mel, Manda, Me, Ram; the other two had to use the little ladies' room.wutsup with chicks takin photos in the bathroom??? GODDDD, i hate'em. lol..... jess, manda, me, rammaybe its just a female thang? that i'd never get. but eh, they HOTT; why the fcuk not join them. me&ramfcukkkkk RAM! stop flashing me with that camera! this ones for you!!! hahaha.... i was pretty faded tho. is it obvious? lmfaoi dont even know WTF i was drinkin in my hand anymore at this point; i hella dont remember this photo being takin. i wonder who's sexy hand that is tryin be in the shot. hrmmm....nice ass Kevin, Manda, and ilets go shake our bootaaaays girls!!! u already know i had to hit the dance floor to get away from the camera... but ONCE again, someone finds a way to take a photo!!!group TAKE #UNOLets try again shall we? group TAKE #DEUCE
L-R: Minnie, Sharlyn, Jess, Jacky, Manda, Me, Ray, RamSharlyn, Manda, and ialriiiiight! u want a sexy pose?? there you go! lol... u asked for it nigga. hahha.... i will FCUK yo camera up. but thank god i didnt need to cuz ram's camera died!! too many flashing lights; was seein stars for a minute up in there nigga.LAST BUT NOT LEAST thee birthday best girlfriend & i (: love youuuu! hope u had a funnnn birthday week babe! it was a fun night, imma try to find the photos takin by the Professionaaaaal and i will post those up once i get'em. but for now enjoy!! and everyone have a great holiday! happy DRINKING & safe FCUKING! *deuce deuce*

- LOVEVA<3

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Depressed and Anxious (Blast From the Past Entry)

I don't receive many comments on these old "reprint" blogs, but oh well... I just don't have the compunction to write anything else. Maybe I'll have more enthusiasm tomorrow night. I'm allright. Just feeling blah. I just want to sit here and have some salsa and chips (best snack ever!) and play some Parasite Eve. Then cuddle with Nikki and fall asleep. That's just what makes me happy right now.

What a coincidence. I was rather down in this old blog post as well. Much more so than I am now. So hey, that's a good thing.  :)  Oh yeah, I left out a detail below: I was single-handledly holding all five us up in a double-bed hotel room for a month and a half, at eighty dollars a night. Owie.



Monday, April 30, 2007
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Current mood: depressed

I'm feeling rather depressed right now. I think I'm randomly getting small anxiety attacks too. It feels like sudden bursts of adrenaline accompanied to a panicky, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Our hardships just never seem to stop. I'm back at my parents' house, which is almost a prison for me. They don't approve of my lifestyle, the way I dress, my friends, etc. My mother is so critical and negative. She just can't seem to be able to look past her own little world. I hate being there, and I usually hide in the tiny room that I'm staying in.

I'm worse than broke. My account is in the negative by so much, it'll take three to four weeks just to get it out of the red. I'll be working seven days a week for awhile. I have to keep asking my parents for gas money, which I hate doing. At least I'm staying there rent-free. If I was paying rent, it would take me months to get out of this hole.

DSS (Department of Social Services) dropped Nikki's case. I won't go into the details on why, but it really wasn't warranted. They make things next to impossible if you want help getting on your feet. She would have fought it with legal aid, but there's nowhere for her to stay while they go through the process. I couldn't afford the motel anymore.

So Nikki and the kids went to Michigan. I had to rent a car for her to get over there, since the engine blew on her truck during all of this (what luck!). She was told by her lawyer that it would be okay for her to move there, since she has nowhere for her and the kids to stay. Her lawyer also said that if she didn't make the court date on May 3rd, the case would just be dropped. Nikki left a week ago. It was so hard to see her pull away. She's over 600 miles away from me. I'm so lonely and I miss her so much.

It looked like everything would be okay for her. She was staying with her sister. She got herself on FIA (Family Income Assistance), which is the equivalent of DSS in NY. They're much nicer up there. She enrolled the kids in school and she started looking for jobs. She found a two-bedroom apartment for $400, and all that you need to get in is that $400! But then her bastard ex called her sister, threatening to throw Nikki, her sister, and her sister's husband in jail, and have their kids taken away. He said that Nikki kidnapped her kids, and they were accomplices for taking them in. She has custody of them! So of course, he was talking out his asshole (when does he not?), but Nikki's sister bought it hook, line and sinker. She threw Nikki out, and now Nikki is with her father. The next day, she gets a call. She's been hired for a job! But the job is by her sister's house, and now she's living an hour away. Also, the law guardian (the kids' lawyer) said she would issue a warrant for her arrest and revoke her teaching certification if she doesn't show up on the court date.

What's worse, is that her father is broke and is unable to help her with much more than food (he doesn't have much of that either) and a roof over her head. She doesn't have a car and he can't take her anywhere. His long distance service was suspended because of his money problems, so she can't call FIA (in another county, by her sister), or her lawyer back here in NY... or me. I don't get to talk her very much, because her father doesn't approve of our relationship. After about 15 minutes, you can hear him saying, "Get off the damn phone!" Even though he knows I'm the one that called. I'm worried that he'll get more aggravated as time goes by, and I won't be able to talk to her at all.

And it gets worse. Nikki's sister has her medication at her house. It was forgotten in all the rush to get her out of there. Her husband was supposed to meet her father to drop off the meds and some other things, but for some reason they got into a heated argument. She never got her meds. At least one of those meds is very important. It's called synthroid, and it helps her body perform simple things that her thryroid is unable to do. The last time she was unable to take it (when she was in the safe house), she ended up with nerve damage and possibly carpal tunnel in both wrists. She'll probably have to have surgery for that. I'm very worried about what's going to happen to her now.

The court date is coming up. Nikki will be trying to prove to the court that she's getting on her feet in Michigan. It's cheaper to get an apartment there, and she and the kids can stay with her dad until she gets one. She'll soon be getting cash assistance and food stamps. Plus, she technically has a job lined up.

However, there's no telling what they'll decide. It's likely that they won't allow the kids to be in a separate state from their father. The law guardian was threatening to throw the kids into foster care. I'm so nervous about this. I have no idea how to help my sweetheart. I wouldn't know what to say if she got her children taken away. There could be nothing I could possibly say or do to make it better.

I just to want to be with Nikki and the kids, and for us to be okay. That has seemed next to impossible for months now. I'm just waiting for things to start looking up. All I can do now is wait.

Currently listening:

Blue Planet

By Donna Lewis
Release date: 18 August, 1998

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