The Long Island Pride Winter Ball (Blast From the Past Entry)

Another "blast from the past" entry, with photos from the Winter Ball. Please note that I have no problem at all with butch lesbians, and ended up dating one for a few months back in 2006! See how far I've come?

December 1st, 2002

--------------------

The Long Island Pride Winter Ball was on this day, which many of us were looking forward to. First of all, coordinating this event was kind of tricky. The money for the tickets had to be sent in by the same person, with a note requesting to be seated at the same table. I had volunteered to be that person. Everyone had to mail me their checks except for Heather, who gave me hers at RS Jones (a tg-friendly restaurant in Nassau County, Long Island), and Vanessa, who was going to pay me back for it at a later date, due to her lack of money at the time. Since she's my best friend, I had no trouble footing the bill for her. What made it even more tricky was that I had to use Vanessa's address. If my parents opened any of the envelopes, there would be a lot of questions.

Somehow it all worked out. I got checks or money orders from Michelle and her girlfriend Cecile (the latter being a genetic girl), Chrissy, Lilly, and Anna. Then, at the last minute (actually, past the last minute!), Karen (founder of FemmeFever) said that her and John (a.k.a. Siandra) were coming! She had to send in for her tickets separately, since I had already sent everyone else's in. Somehow, she managed to get tickets from them at the last minute and get seated at our table. Talk about connections!

Vanessa and I

I went to Pzaz, a popular young women's formal dress store, in male mode. Vanessa came with me. I picked out a beautiful purple dress. I went up to the counter and asked the saleswoman if I could try it on. She looked at me dumbfounded and said, "You...?" I said with a big smile, "Yup!" She kept staring at me in silent shock, until a very pretty young girl told me to go right into any fitting room. So I tried it on, giggling to myself the entire time. I was actually going to step out of the fitting room and show Vanessa (and whoever else nearby) how it looked, but I heard some little kids outside. I didn't want to freak out the kiddies, so I refrained from doing that. Anyway, it was a size 9 and it fit me very nicely. All those Stacker 2 pills and smart eating paid off after all. From 163 pounds down to 130 pounds is pretty decent, I think. I bought the dress, which was a little over $100. A few days later, I went back to get some beautiful silver high heels for about $60, but I didn't feel in the mood to try on this time.

Karen (from FemmeFever) and I

Heather had gotten a room at a nearby hotel since she had traveled from Westchester County, and everyone but Michelle and Cecile were meeting up there. Vanessa and I got ready at her house. Her mother helped me a little, by telling me the bow should go in the back rather than the front. She was right, it did look better. Sometimes I wish her mother was my mom. She's so accepting and supportive.

I had to stop at an ATM in my dress, and there was a guy who came in right behind me. He said it was cold out, and I said, "Yes, it is." I was a bit nervous, as I was dressed to the nines. Nothing much else was said. It was neat though.

Vanessa and I

We met them at the hotel room. They had plenty of soda, cookies and crackers to munch on. Heather was doing her nails. Karen was in a beautiful poofy pink princess-type dress (I loved it!), and Anna (a very tall brunette with a heavy Italian accent) needed help getting into her long leather dress. I felt a huge sense of relief when giving them their tickets. It was a big responsibility handling everyone's "keys" as it were. If I had been late or had broken down on the road, it would've ruined everyone's night. After a few minutes hanging out, we departed for the West Lake Inn, ground zero for the Winter Ball. It was fun just walking the halls of the hotel in my pretty dress!

Upon arriving there, we were greeted by valet parking. We checked our coats, and I had to leave Chrissy's ticket at the door since she was late. They messed up on that though, saying they didn't have the ticket. Eventually they found it. Whew!

Back row: (unknown), Karen, Heather, Chrissy, Michelle, Anna, Lilly. Front row: Debbie (staring at Vanessa), Cecile, Vanessa, me, Linda, (unknown).

They started with a cocktail hour, and that's when I started drinking. I sampled some melon slices and crackers with some kind of fishy spread. Salmon, maybe? After some time, we started filing into the ballroom, where the doorlady (doorperson?) took our tickets. They were handed to an announcer, who announced our names as we walked out onto the ballroom floor. That was pretty neat. Next time though, I'll have to pick out a better-sounding "name" for myself. I just put "Amy K." on the ticket. Vanessa was announced as "Lady Vanessa of York," and Heather was "Princess Heather of Westchester."

We sat down at our table, and after a few announcements regarding Long Island Pride and the people running it, they started in with some music and dancing. I decided to pass on dancing for the time being, since it was pretty tame music for me, and I needed a few more drinks to bolster my courage anyway. My gin and tonics were four dollars and change, but soda was free, which is what Vanessa was drinking. I couldn't help but notice that a table of homosexual men kept giving me dirty looks whenever I passed their table on the way to the bar (actually, it wasn't the whole table that was looking at me, more like two or three of the men seated there). Even Vanessa noticed. She said, "Be a little more obvious, will you?" Not quite directed at them, but they could've heard her. Though if they did hear her, they made no indication. I was pretty confused at why they were staring, since there were two whole tables full of crossdressers there, as well as various drag queens. Looking back on it now, I think maybe they were of the opinion that: "Here is this cute guy, covering all that up with a wig, makeup, etc..." I heard from somewhere that some gay men have that opinion. It makes sense, because I sort of feel that way about butchy lesbians. Some of them could be really gorgeous, but they wear no makeup, wear messy clothes, and have short, sometimes unkempt hair. Though I absolutely would not give them dirty looks because of that. They have the right to present themselves however they want.

Linda, Lilly, Chrissy, Karen and me.

Soon they served dinner. They had three or four choices for the main course, and I went the seafood route, as did Vanessa. I love almost all seafood! We had salmon, and with the lemon juice sprinkled on it, it was the most delicious fish I have had in a long time. Soon after dinner, I finally got the courage (via liquid courage) to do some dancing. Vanessa requested a song by Depeche Mode, which they played, to her delight. My favorite tune for the night was Sexual (Li Da Di) by Amber. Unfortunately, those silver heels were killing my feet, so at some point (earlier than I desired), I had to sit down or fall down. I chose the former. I should've just taken my shoes off, but I didn't think of it.

A side note on Jim, Heather's boyfriend. I knew he was coming, and I had seen a photo or two of him on Heather's website (more like an online photo album). I had a dream a few days before the ball that he was coming on to me and saying, "You're even prettier than Heather." While he didn't come on to me or say much to me, I did notice (as well as Vanessa) that he was staring at me a lot whenever Heather wasn't around. Yikes! I wasn't too thrilled at this, because even for a man, he was not at all attractive to me.

Heather and Jim

They had ice cream for dessert, with a choice of many toppings, like hot fudge, m&m's, gummi bears, etc. Delicioso! We took many pictures throughout the evening. Besides being in a few group photos, I had a some pics taken with Vanessa, Karen, and a few solo shots. The funniest pics were two that I took of Vanessa and Debbie, another crossdresser that we met that night. Debbie was kind of enamored with Vanessa, and in one photo, Debbie had her head resting on Vanessa's shoulder, eyes closed as if in ecstacy. LOL! Vanessa later told me that Debbie had invited her for a threesome with Debbie's wife (a lady that I noticed had a sour puss on the entire evening)! And now Vanessa wasn't thrilled!

Vanessa and Debbie

Some of the others decided to go to Honey's afterward, which is a lesbian club in Bayport. It wasn't a far drive at all, but Vanessa and I decided to go home, as we were pretty tired. Vanessa drove us back to her house, and I (reluctantly) got out of my dress and (not so reluctantly) went to sleep. All in all, I had an awesome time!

Assistir Filme »

Golden Oldies (Blast From the Past Entry)

I'm taking some of my early writings and including them in my blog here. These posts will be interspersed with posts of more current goings-on in my life. Since I've covered the bulk of what I wanted to get everyone up to speed with, I figured I'd start off with some entries that were previously only contained on a sheet of looseleaf paper. For whatever reason, I didn't even have a notebook to keep these entries in. I was probably hiding them from my parents. Let me set the scene for this November 2002 entry.

In July of 2002, my wife and I separated. No, it had nothing to do with me being a transsexual or anything like that. It was more along the lines of her marrying too young and wanting a social life, which included dating. In any case, she wanted me out, and after endless fighting for about six months, I bent to her will and moved back in with my parents. It was supposed to be temporary until we figured things out. She changed the locks.

We had a daughter together named Brittany. She was a year and a half old at the point of our separation. I saw her most every weekend.

The next month, I was hospitalized for a kidney stone and colitis (double trouble!). I was told that the colitis was most likely brought on by stress. No surprise, since I had gone through a rather heady depression for a month straight following the separation. I was in the hospital for four days, had a colonoscopy perfomed on me, and a stent inserted between my kidney and bladder, as the stone was blocking the passage between the two.

At this point, I had no idea what a transsexual was, much less the fact that I was one. I was familiar with crossdressers however, and tried to fit in with that crowd. It worked for awhile, until I seemed to "outgrow" them. Around January of 2003 is when the realization happened. After doing some research and talking to others, I found that most transsexuals really aren't those people that I had seen on the Jerry Springer Show. They were people like me.

I mention "duplex mode" in these posts. This is a phrase I made up to signify presenting myself with aspects of both sexes. Usually, this means I'm wearing a women's top and/or bottom, and just lipstick and blush. I had a shadow at the time, sometimes a wig and sometimes just showing my own short hair, so... ummm yeah, I'm glad I have no photos of me like this. In retrospect, I don't think I looked too good. But then, that's how I chose to express myself at the time. It's interesting to see where my thoughts and attitude were. It seems like another life to me now.

These posts span from November 27th, 2002 to March 28th, 2003. A lot happened during this time, though this first post is nothing big. I've included a few photos of me (with a wig) that were taken a month prior, by Karen of FemmeFever.



November 27th, 2002
----------------------


Today I went to the gastroenterologist in duplex mode. He had to perform a sigmoidoscopy, which is where they stick this tube all the way into your lower intestine through your rectum. (Oh yay!) I had gone to the office previously with makeup, women's clothes and even my wig on, so today I did the same. (He had commented on the fact that my hair was a lot shorter when I was staying the hospital last August. I admitted to him that it was a wig, and he didn't seem fazed.)


They puffed air into my rectum to enlarge the intestine, and I could barely feel them put that thing in. After a minute or two though, I started feeling intense pain in my abdomen. I'm a total baby, so I had yelled "owwww" quite a bit before they were done.


I was given a clean bill of health. I was starving, so I went to McDonald's on the way home. I had to finish eating really quick because suddenly, all that air wanted to come out. I ran into the men's bathroom (not the women's, since I was only in duplex mode), and I let out one of the loudest, most violent farts ever. Was I glad nobody else was in there. It was definitely not the norm for me!

Assistir Filme »

Hair and Poundage

I've gained about 25 pounds in the last year. This is a combination of several factors. In New York, I was drinking a lot of water a day, and was somewhat active at work, despite it being a mostly sit-down kind of job. I wasn't working out at the time. Then I moved to Michigan. My partner, Nikki, was the only one working, so I couldn't afford my medication. (Too bad I didn't know about Macomb Care Connect at the time, which is a state-funded program which pays for prescriptions and primary care doctor visits.) I was off my hormone meds for almost a year. I got a lot of my strength and energy back. I started working out four to five times a week, for 40 minutes a day.

In May of 2008, I discovered Macomb Care Connect and went back on my meds for a copay of $5 each. I lost my energy again and then starting having pain in my back. I stopped exercising. When the pain in my back went away, I was lazy and stuck in a rut of no exercise. Just the other day, I made the mistake of standing on the bathroom scale. I am now 165 pounds. Ugh. It's distributed throughout my body, so it really isn't that bad, but I wanted to lose weight, not gain it!

The good news is that I went up a cupsize. I was originally a large A cup, or maybe a small B. Now I'm firmly (pun intended) entrenched into B territory. They get in the way sometimes, and I have trouble sleeping on my stomach, and I love it. I went to have a mammogram about a month ago, because I felt a lump in my right breast. It was sore, and I was pretty worried. The clinic told me that I just have lumpy breasts. They're still pretty sensitive.

One of the negative effects I had from being off my hormones, was that some of my hair follicles were reawakened. Before my 50 or so hours of electrolysis, I went for six sessions of laser (actually, MultiLight) treatments. Now these hairs have grown back. The follicles must have been lying dormant, and the testosterone flooding through my system again rejuvenated them. Since starting the hormones again, I can say that some of them have once again gone dormant.

So I found some new personal evidence in the "hormones and facial hair" debate. What I've noticed affected by the hormones is the cheek and "sideburn area." Now back on hormones, I'd say that 1/3 of the hair in those two areas is gone. I still need a lot of work though. I wasn't done with electrolysis, and now I need more than ever! I thank God that all the hairs haven't grown back! The electrolysis seems to be pretty permanent, no matter what hormonal changes have occurred in my body.

Yesterday, I pushed Skylar in the stroller for about four miles. We went to the store to get crickets for our tree frogs, then came back home. I was exhausted, but I was glad to get the exercise, get Skylar out of the house, and give my sweetie a break from our lil' terror. My arms, shoulders and legs got nice and tan too. I would love to get back to the weight that I was at. I can only fit in 25% of my clothes at this point, and I don't have any money to buy more. I don't want my breasts to get smaller though. I really love them at this size, and they really help me to feel feminine.

I want to get a job and start on electrolysis again. I want that so badly. I'm still looking. No giving up here!

Assistir Filme »

...And Then There's Family.

Hoo boy. Where to begin? Hmmm...

In May of 2003, I wrote a letter, printed two copies, and gave them to my parents. The letter was explaining to them that I'm a transsexual. While we were in the kitchen, I gave them the letter and had them read it. Below is the letter in it's entirety:


Dear Mom and Dad,

This is probably one of the hardest letters I have ever written, and probably one of the hardest you will ever read. This is very hard for me to put into one simple statement, so please be patient with me, and remember that I will always love you two. I'm transgendered, and I have what is known as a gender dysphoric condition. Basically, my mind (my gender identity) doesn't match up with my body (my physical gender). In my mind, I associate with being female. This is a medical condition, and I am seeing a professional therapist to discuss my options. This is not something that was caused by the way you raised me, since you two have always been great parents.

I wanted to break this up into a few sections. I'd like to discuss a little more about how this has affected my life, and just the general sense of how this condition pops up. I also have a book that you can read, called True Selves, which is for family and friends in understanding transsexualism. It might be best to start with chapter 10, and then read from the beginning.

I have been seeing a therapist since early January, and we have been working on ways to help alleviate the anxieties associated with my condition. I have been getting treatments to remove my facial hair. I have also been shaving my legs and chest. I'm sorry that I have been hiding and keeping these things from you, but it's hard telling people the truth when the topic of transsexualism is difficult to explain and comprehend. You might be questioning whether I'm gay or something. But in fact, sexual preference is totally unrelated to gender identity.

So, what is gender dysphoria? Basically, it's a conflict between one's gender identity and their physical gender. There is a very wide spectrum of people that have this condition, but the degree and occurrence vary greatly. There is the basic fetish crossdresser that may wear just a few items of the opposite sex. Then there is the more total crossdresser, or transvestite, who will go for the entire female look. There are also drag queens, who usually take the dressing to an extreme level, and they are usually gay males who have no desire to change genders. Then there are transsexuals who desire to be the opposite sex. At the current time, I know I have a female gender identity, and I am investigating ways that will make me the happiest in the long run.

Scientists have done a number of studies on transsexuals, but they haven't found an exclusive reason for why things are. They do have a few theories. All fetuses start out as female in the womb. As the fetus develops, hormones are released which tell the body to continue developing as a female, or adjust and develop as a male. These hormones also affect the brain. Sometimes these hormones not work as they are supposed to, and the body and mind develop along opposite routes. Scientists have found slight differences between male and female brains, and have noticed a slight difference between regular males and transsexuals. The brains of transsexuals actually appear more like brains of females.

Anyway, that is most of the background on the subject. I know that you must still have a ton of questions. Don't be afraid to ask them. The book that I am lending you also covers the topic of how family and friends deal with a transgendered person. Please try to realize that the people you see on talk shows and in media are not typical of transsexuals. Most transsexuals just try to fit into society leading normal lives, just as the opposite sex. They are doctors, lawyers, social workers, computer programmers, and airline pilots.

I know that I have hit you with a real shocker, but it's something that was going to come out at some point or another. I hope that you will understand that I didn't ask to be this way, it's just the way I am. Because this is not a disease, it's not something that can be cured. No amount of therapy can change your gender identity, the only thing that can be changed is the body, to match the mind. I will always remain the same person inside as I am now. It's only the outside that will be different. I will always be me, regardless of my appearance. I know that this is a hard situation to comprehend. I'm really sorry for any pain or hardship I may be causing you. I hope you can find it in your heart to try to understand.

Love,

R.


My father was silent. My mother, who had been outside, washing the kitchen windows, went back outside to washing the windows. With the windows open, she could hear my father and I talking. He was telling me that he thought I was reinventing myself, since I had never been into sports or cars, and never had many male friends. He told me that trying to be a woman would not make my problems go away. I told him that: a) He had it backwards. I was never into such things because I never was a man inside, and: b) The only problem that I would actually be solving was my gender identity issue. Problems unrelated to that would, of course, remain. My father told me that is his opinion and he's sticking to it. My mother interrupted from outside to tell me that she "cannot accept this, and won't accept this." Throughout the next few weeks, my father was affable but distant as always. My mother remained angry and also distant. They never read the "True Selves" book that I mentioned in the letter. I wanted them to come to therapy with me, but they refused.

My mother and I talked about this again at some point in 2004. She said that she was worried about me, partly because she thought that I would always be alone. She said, "Even if you became a woman and nobody would know the difference, you would be alone because you told me you only like women." I replied, "Mom? Do you know about lesbians?" "Yes, I have heard about lesbians, but what are your chances of findng one of them? It's not like there are very many of them." "Mom... there are two lesbian clubs in our county alone... full of lesbians." "Oh." She left off by saying that she didn't think she could reconcile my transition.

In the summer of 2006, we went to North Carolina to visit Brittany, my only biological child. I was wearing gender neutral clothes and no makeup. At two separate restaurants, I was called "ma'am" or "miss" by the waitress. I was ecstatic, and my parents were stoic. They both later said they didn't notice anyone calling me that. Riiiight. Denial, anyone?

In late 2006, I decided to invite my father out to dinner. Among other things, we talked about my transition and where I was heading. He was very supportive and understanding. He told me that I had to live my life for me and do what makes me happy. He said that my mother will come around eventually. He also asked me how could I possibly use the women's restroom? I told him that even though I am wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and no makeup, most or all of the people in this restaurant see me as female. Heading into the men's bathroom would only freak them out and make me uncomfortable as well.

A couple months later, I had to stay at my parents' house for a month or so. I got into an argument with my mother about Nikki (my fiancee, who was then my new girlfriend). Besides saying in a roundabout way that Nikki was enabling my feminine behavior, she told me that I had traumatized my poor father, and that he was scared that I was going to be arrested for being in the women's bathroom. To this day, I'm not sure if she was exaggerating, or if he was downplaying his feelings at the time. She also told me that she let my brother and sister know about what I was doing. My sister was confused and upset, and my brother wanted to - this is her words - "kick my ass."

Fast forward to last April. After putting it off for a year and a half, I decided to finally tell the rest of the family. I sent out letters to my aunt, my grandfather and my two uncles that live with him, my brother, and my sister. Here's a copy of the one that I sent to my brother:


Dear Daniel,

Hello! I’m sorry that I haven’t been in touch. I miss you all, but there is a reason behind my not contacting you sooner. I have been very hesitant to tell the rest of my family about the huge change I have made in my life. I know that mom and dad have told you at least some of this. They were not pleased to receive the news. They said you were angry about it. It took me a long time to accept and understand this myself, so it would be unfair of me to expect those I love to come to terms with this overnight. I hope you are sitting down!

I am no longer going by the name of R. I had my name legally changed to Amy. I have always felt that I should have been born female. I have been on hormone medication since July of 2003, and in therapy long before that. My girlfriend, Nikki, sees me for who I truly am inside. We plan to be engaged soon. Our kids (Nikki's, from a previous marriage), see me as their "second mom." I blend in very well with the female population. We have made some friends out here, some of whom I’ve told that I am transsexual, yet others seem to have no suspicions, and see me as just an "average female." The reason I changed my last name as well, is because mom didn’t want me to bring "shame" on the family name. Also, we already have an Amy in the family.

I know you will have some questions, so feel free to ask me anything. You can write me back, or just call me at 586-xxx-xxxx (that’s my cell phone number). Of course, I’m not going to tell you not to tell mom or dad that I wrote you, but they most likely will be upset that I did so. Mom is having a particularly hard time accepting this. I feel bad about upsetting those I love, but I have to live life for me. I hope you can understand that. In any case, I hope to hear from you soon, and I pray that this letter finds you well.

Love,

Amy


The only one that I heard back from was my sister. She told me that she let my mother know about the letter, and she was very upset. She also told me that I should "just get on with my life and leave everyone alone, because they most likely aren't going to come around and accept this. It all comes down with the fact that mom is probably never going to get over this, and they're always going to take her side." To my sister's credit, she did tell me that she respects the fact that I have to live my life the way I want to, but also that I should leave everyone out of it. That phone conversation took place in April, and I have heard from no one else. Save for one: my grandmother.

I wrote my grandmother and told her this a few months before everyone else. I had a feeling she would be accepting, despite the fact that she came from a different era (she is now 92 years old). I was right. She wrote back and said that she had no problem at all, and that she always thought I had beautiful hair and eyes. We have been writing back and forth for almost a year now. The following few sentences from her last letter have a place in my heart forever: "I'm not one to talk bad about other people, but I think they should be ashamed of themselves. Someday they're going to look back and regret treating you like this. I love you just as you are, and I will always be your grandma. You're always welcome in my home." Yes, I cried after reading that. In a week or so, Nikki and I will be going out to New York to pick up our kids from their father and grandmother. I hope to visit my grandma at that time. I'm greatly looking forward to that.

Part of the problem lies in the fact that my family and I have always been rather distant. I was brought up that way, with parental love often being more implicit than direct. My gender dysphoria didn't exactly help me get close to anyone either. In my adulthood, I never visited my extended family without my parents being there. Basically, my relationship with them depended on my parents. When I moved out for three years, I saw my extended family three or four times. There was a wedding, a funeral, and two Christmas get-togethers. I think this makes it easier for them them to write me off, since I was rarely seen anyway. That also goes for my brother and sister. I rarely spoke to them, and often didn't know what to say to them. I wish I had been closer with my family, but then again... if I was, I would probably be more hurt than I am now.

Yes, I am hurt. I understand they are having a hard time, and I feel sorrow over it. I just wonder if I will ever speak to them again, and if so... when? I had a birthday last month, and only heard from my grandma. If someone in the family dies, will I even be notified? I just miss my family sometimes.

Assistir Filme »

My Family

I'm blessed.

Four years ago, I went on a date with a transsexual woman named Kellie. We really seemed to hit it off, but she quickly showed her true colors as being made of less than honest stuff. Even a friendship with this woman would not be possible without a substantial masochism complex. For some reason, I had not deleted her off my MySpace friend list.

Three years ago, when I was with a rather butch lesbian named Tee, someone named Nikki sent me a message asking me how long I knew Kellie and that she loved my profile. She saw me on Kellie's friend list. Kellie and her were going to be moving in together and they were madly in love. I wrote back, telling her how Kellie and I met and what happened afterwards. I gave her a gentle warning about Kellie. That was it for awhile.

Tee and I broke up. Nikki wrote me again, telling me how Kellie broke her heart. We kept writing, and even though we were both rather hurt from recent events, we went on a date. It was magic. She was like magic to me. Less than a week later, we both proclaimed our love for each other, and then danced in the parking lot, with Vanessa Carlton's "Pretty Baby" blasting through my car's speakers.

Unfortunately, less than three months later, she was stuck in a shelter for abused women with her three kids. Her husband, who she was still living with in a loveless marriage, had abused her for the last time. I got involved (physically... yeah me, who hadn't so much as slapped anyone since the ninth grade), and then the police got involved. (Yes, I knew about the husband and the kids and everything else....call me crazy.)

Cue the court scene. The battle over custody of the kids ensued. We tried to get a place lined up for the two of us and the kids, but everything in New York was just too expensive. With a little help from a couple of her family members, we managed to get an apartment near them in Michigan. Nikki, Skylar (then one year old), and I moved in to our new place in August of 2007. The older two kids (Sarah and Savannah) joined us in December. Don't look at me, that wasn't my idea. I think it would have been perfect for those two to start school fresh here in September, but nooooo...!

We have been here ever since. Is it perfect? No. But it's home. I love our kids as if they had come from me. Hey, we can all dream, okay? Sarah is The Prodigy. She is so intelligent, acing tests left and right. She's an excellent writer and artist. Booksmart to the max. The kid needs a little more common sense now and then, but hey, she's learning. Savannah is turning eight this month. She's The Street Smart One. However, she's very emotional and a total mush. More than once, there has been someone telling me that my daughter looks a lot like her mom. Now is that cool or what? Skylar just turned three, but her personality is already shining. She's The Comedian. She has been speech delayed, but is starting to catch up now. Oh, the things that come out of her mouth sometimes!

As far as Nikki, she is my angel. Never have I been so much in love with someone, and never has someone saw the real me the way she does. When we met, I had not even transitioned to living as a woman full-time. She knew who I really was, and understood when nobody else seemed able to. I have never met anyone so generous and loving in all my life. When I stop and think of all the things she has done for me, it just blows my mind. For instance, I have quite a lot of hair growing on my neck still. We don't have the money right now to spare for electrolysis, as I'm still out of work. Several nights a week, that amazing woman spends over an hour tweezing hairs out of my neck. Now that's love.

I wish I had a photo of all of us to share, but all the family photos we have are on hard copy, and I don't have a scanner at the moment. I should go to Staples or somewhere and get them scanned. You'll all just have to settle for an old photo of Nikki and I, circa early 2007. The photo doesn't do her justice, but it can be difficult getting my girl to allow her photo to be taken. I'm not giving up on that front, however.

Our home is filled with love. We take care of those kids and give them a life away from an abusive father. I have someone I love deeply, and who loves me back... and here I thought I would be alone until my GRS, at least.

I'm blessed.

Assistir Filme »

Current Events

So what's new lately? I'll try to tackle the important stuff while also keeping this entry from becoming monstrous. Two years ago, I moved from New York to Michigan to be with the love of my life, Nikki. How that all happened is a story for another time, but we have been together for 2.5 years. We have been engaged since last Valentine's Day. Her three kids accept me as their "other mommy," for the most part. They are: Sarah, 10 years old; Savannah, 8 years old; and Skylar, 3 years old. Right now the older two are in New York visiting their father. We'll be going there ourselves at the end of the month, and coming back here with Sarah and Savannah after spending three days there. Oh fun, fun! Yes, they deserve to see their father and his family, but many of his family just don't approve of Nikki and I. You see, not only did it seem as if Nikki left him for me (it's just not that cut and dry), but they all know I'm transgendered. Another story for another time!

Since moving here, I have tried on and off to find work. The frustrating thing is that there are no computer-related jobs out here. There aren't many jobs here at all, but it's very rare that I will find an ad for any computer position. Too bad I have a loan for a Computer Tech course to pay off. During the "off" times, I have filled the role of "stay-at-home-mom" for our youngest one. It has it's rewards of course, but I really do want to get back to work. Nikki works as a substitute teacher, but we are scraping by. I had an interview last week for an alarm dispatcher position at an alarm company. The man who interviewed me seemed impressed with my background, but was confused by the fact that I had lived here two years with no job, and I still did not have a Michigan driver's license (getting there in a sec!). He is now not returning my calls, so I can only guess he has filled the position, and maybe found out or guessed at my background.

Yes, I had my name changed just before the move, but the records are not sealed. I would love to have the records sealed! Alas, I don't think it's an option. I also changed my driver's license and social security card right before leaving New York. Those are also stories I will get to at some point, but for now, I would like to convey my story of getting my Michigan license.

I tried getting my hands on that license some time ago. I went into the Michigan Secretary of State office (DMV doesn't handle that here, weird huh?) with all the required paperwork. I needed my NY license, my social security card, my birth certificate, and thus the court documents for my name change as well. Oh yes, and I also needed two (2) proofs of residency. I brought a bank statement and the lease for the apartment Nikki and I live in. I should have been golden, right? Wrong-o. I got an older lady who looks as if she's going to pass out, after getting over her initial confusion. Looking at the birth certificate, she said, "Oh, you've given me someone else's birth certificate. This can't be you." I was flattered, but showed her the name change order. "That was my old name, and I had it changed, as you can see here..." She looked at the documents, looked at me, then back at the documents, then declared, "I'll be back in just a moment."

I waited for quite a bit. Probably ten (10) minutes. She came back with someone else in tow. Oh no. Oh yes, the supervisor. I've learned the hard way that once the supervisor gets involved, it's all over. To her credit, she was very polite and respectful. "I'm sorry, we can put your current name on the license with no problem at all, but we can't put the "F" for "Female" without a certain form from your doctor, stating that you've had surgery."

Not just any surgery, mind you! And now it's a form, as I've since heard repeated at a local transgender support group that I went to the following week. Has anyone seen this form? It seems like some top secret document, to be seen by only doctors and DMV (or Secretary of State). Because you know us trans-folk, we can be devious when we have to be.

I went home in defeat without obtaining the license. I put the problem on the back burner, thinking I'll try a few other offices before giving up to the dreaded "M" for the time being. After my interview last week, I had to try again in order to qualify for the job. I went to another office, and got a friendlier and younger lady this time around. I gave her the birth certificate followed by the name change order. She didn't flinch. All the while, I had my hand hidden below the counter with my fingers crossed. She had me sign the signature that will be on the back of the license, and pose for a photo. She then showed me my temporary license and asked me to make sure everything is correct. I made sure the "F" was there first! Name, address... yup it's all good. "Your permanent license will arrive in the mail in seven to ten days." Done. Thank God. I was so worried about having an "M" on my license and hoping anyone needing to look at it won't notice that little detail. "They made a mistake and put the wrong letter on there! Can you believe that???" So yes, I am rather relieved, to say the least.

And that's all my news for now. I need to work. I need electrolysis on my neck (I've had 50 hours spent on my chin and upper lip, but my neck was barely touched). I need GRS. I want to get married to Nikki. I'll keep plugging away. Work or bust!

Assistir Filme »

Finally! Done! Many mooore to gooo...

[ Coldplay - Life in Technicolor ]

ello moto,
so today i had FINALLY finished editing my niece's graduation pictures! yessss!!! BUTTT.... i still have hella other projects to edit (i.e. cars). those will be next on my 'TO-DO' list =T i can never rest i swear, this is how my LIFE is going to be revolved in infinite editing of photos. and u know wut sucks? is the fact that outta every batch of 200+ photos, the chances are slim that i only end up with a handful of satisfied results -_-* thats how it is... oh wellz. nothing i can do but complain once in a while. this is what i CHOOSE to do, my PATH (: so i'll make da best of it. so i thot i post up the few photos out of the 200+ photos outta this batch i felt is PUBLIC WORTHY.
this is a before picand a after PHOTOSHOPP'D pic, i was kinna diggin the blk&white fake negative look.we went to Malibu for some minigolf for Alyssa's graduation celebration :) heres my sis CUTES814 + daughter flick. can u tell they we're having HELLAAAA fun? esp. Alyssa there! lol. too cuuute right?And lastly we have the graduate trying to hit a goal with a little of FATHER's help.black & white touch up. she was HELLA concentrating, that little cutie patootie.God, i LOVE my niece; she's the cutest!!! i hope u guys enjoyyyyed it! have a great Tuesday! this is for u're viewing pleasure as well as my own reference. until next time! *deuce deuce*

- LOVEVA<3

p.s. i'm STILL feeling hella outta it. *sighs* these tingley feelings keeps coming back everytime im near mr.penguinman >.<* crap. aiyaaaaa! wut to doo!!!!!

Assistir Filme »

Origin of a Transsexual Woman

First blog post ever, and I'll dive right into it with a summary of my life as far as how it relates to my transsexuality.

I started out life with a female brain and a male body. This misplaced application of hormones is mostly likely due to stress in the mothers of people like me. My mother has shown many times that she can't handle stress appropriately. I was conceived right after my father came home from Vietnam. Statistics have shown that more transsexuals are born during times of war than any other time. When else would most mothers be under stress during the same time period?

I was raised to be a man, and I was taught that acting feminine was "wrong." I don't blame my parents or anyone else for this. I looked and sounded like any other boy... but I didn't always act that way. I didn't know how a boy (or man) is supposed to act. From a very young age, I remember acting as a girl would do, and I would get yelled at by my parents, or made fun of by the other kids. So I learned: "don't do this, don't do that." I couldn't act how I felt inside. I started copying off of the other boys. I never did a very good job, so I was made fun of at every opportunity, and I just never ever fit in. What I do blame my mother for, is constantly ransacking my room to find my things and throw them out. Was that really necessary? I hid them well so as not to disturb her or anyone else in the house, but she would go through my things when I was in school and throw them out. I never had to go through the process of purging my things, because my mother would always do it for me. She even threatened to kill my little green iguana if I didn't stop. What does a lizard know about how to dress? Stupid!

In high school (and even in junior high), I had many problems. I looked pretty much like a teenage boy, only I had pretty-boy looks, was thin, and short for a guy. Plus I wore glasses until 10th grade, and had acne problems until 12th. So people always called me "nerd," "wimp," "fag," and such. I was picked on every single day. The girls (some of whom I had crushes on) would laugh and make fun of me, and the guys were worse. I had chocolate milk poured on my head, gum put in my hair, my shorts pulled down in gym in front of some girls, my locker broken into, and nasty things painted on my locker door. They used to steal my schoolbooks, personal belongings, and even the glasses off my face once (I punched that guy in the face for that, and then he threw me into a closet door and it broke). It was truly horrible. I used to have the worst stomach aches every single morning (sometimes at home before leaving, many times at school in the morning), because I feared going to school. Work and college were much easier, but there were still some snickers and comments here and there. I thought of myself as being a crossdresser until I was 32.

I began to have girlfriends finally (just four long term relationships), and I would often live vicariously through them. At one point, my mother searched my room when I was taking the train to pick Sandy up. (She was my first girlfriend when I was 17, and she lived in the next county.) My mother dumped the clothes on my bed for Sandy to see. The funny thing is, she already knew, and some of the clothes were ones she had given me. Your plan was foiled, mother!

My next girlfriend, Millie, had conflicting feelings over my "hobby." She gave me some makeup and a wig (we were not the same size in clothing), but we would have fights over my "tendency" all the time. After a year together (which was very tumultuous and unstable), she finally left me because she told her parents. They forbade her from seeing me again.

Then there was Vanessa. She wasn't comfortable with that aspect of me, and we did have many arguments over it. To her credit, she was supportive nonetheless. She wanted to kill my mother (LOL). When I finally decided to get a public storage locker (to keep my mother from throwing out my things), it was broken into. Everything inside was stolen. Who would steal a bunch of women's clothes? To this day, I wonder if my mother found a way to get into it and take my things. It was Vanessa who went down to the police station with me late at night, when I filed a report with them. Needless to say, tracking down clothes was not a priority for them (and I don't blame them for that). In the beginning of our relationship, she did do my hair and makeup. While it made me feel good, it made her uncomfortable and confused. I eventually ended our relationship badly, and a big part of that was the fact that I subconsciously wanted to look more feminine, and she was an obstacle in the direction I wanted to go in. To this day, I still regret the way I handled things. I was one mixed-up woman, and she suffered in the end due to that.

My next ex, Christina, was supportive in the beginning. She went out with me when I was dressed up. I used the name, "Jessica" at the time. We used to go to restaurants, the mall, and such. One time we went to a park and she took many pictures of me. The last time we went out in such a way, was to the mall. I got kicked out of the womens' dressing room in Macy's, and then I ran into Vanessa's brother in JC Penny's. It was a very traumatic experience for me. Shortly after that, Christina and I got married. She no longer wanted to spend time with me when I was dressed in such a manner, and she didn't want me going out alone like that either. I was house-ridden. A year and a half later, we separated (for reasons unrelated to my transsexuality, believe it or not). For the first time in my life, I didn't want to be with anyone. I had nobody, and I had no interest in finding anybody. It was always either one or the other. But for once, I focused on myself.

I found this support group of sorts on the internet, called FemmeFever. The lady who runs this group is a total sweetheart named Karen. She did a makeover on me and took some pictures. I then went to myriad of FemmeFever events for the next year and a half. I had professional photos of me taken (with a red wig... I should get some professional photos taken of how I look now), we went to Honey's (a lesbian bar/club), formal dances, and catered events. I "changed my name" to Amy at this time, because Christina knew me as Jessica. It was fitting anyway, since it was a new start for me. I found that the more I just existed as Amy, the more I didn't want to go back to leading life as a male. Many crossdressers are content to express themselves in a feminine manner, and then go back to their male lives (not that I find anything wrong with crossdressers, they're awesome people in general). I began to realize that this is the way I want to live my life... all the time. I started laser hair removal, and I went to a therapist specializing in gender dysphoria. Shortly after that, I began hormones. That was six years ago. About three years ago, I started electrolysis (laser can only take you so far). I began to care for myself and my appearance a lot more. I had a misplaced insizer removed and bridged (it looked like a fang). I had my birthmark lightened via a laser procedure. I began to take better care of my skin and hair, which were now softer and more feminine. The hormones began working quickly, softening my body and facial features, and reducing my body hair greatly. I slowly began to grow breasts (yay!). Unfortunately, I suffered some weight gain as well. I went through hell to get to where I am at this point. But now I have thick skin. That is the positive aspect of this. In my later high school years, rather than rebelling against my parents, I rebelled against my school-mates. I didn't care what anyone thought, and I gave up being upset by it. I knew that I didn't do anything to deserve being treated like that, so I knew it was them... not me. Now I really don't care what people think, which is great. I'm free. Who knows, if I was one of the cool, popular kids in high school, I might still be walking around worrying so much about what people thought of me. So I'm almost glad, actually, of what happened to me. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." And I am so much stronger now because of what I went through.

Just a note before I sign off for today. I have set up AdSense on my blog. I'm sure some of you may find that annoying or worse. I'm trying to get money together for GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery). I have no money and no job at this point. I have wanted this surgery for almost seven years now, and I'm no closer to getting it done than I was back then (besides completing the Real Life Test of living as a woman full-time for a year). Coming up with over $10,000 using AdSense is not something I think would be possible, so I humbly ask for donations to the following email address: amethystnewyork at yahoo dot com (I spelled it out to try to avoid spam). I have also just added a PayPal button to the sidebar of my blog. I would greatly appreciate any and all help. Thank you. :)

- Amy K.

Assistir Filme »