So, what's new? I colored my hair again (see above). I used a very bright red color this time, namely L'Oreal Feria Power Reds Ruby Rush. Now that's a mouthful! Nikki put it in for me again. She's such a good wifey. I wish I had taken a photo after I first had it colored (unlike the photo above, which was taken a week later). It was such a bright, light red, my goodness! I didn't think it complimented my skin color or vice versa. But after washing it twice, it faded (yet deepened) to the color you see in the picture. Now I really love how it looks on me. I'm wearing more red on my lips, as it just goes together so naturally. So it looks better after a few washes. Go figure. Anyway, I really like it and I'll be using more of it.
I started walking again. Yes! Over the winter, I got back to 162 pounds, ugh. From 148. Seasonal depression + availability of comfort foods = NG. I want to lose 20 pounds before summertime. I walked for an hour and fifty minutes on Thursday, and then an hour and a half (to therapy and back) on Saturday. Unfortunately, it started raining right after I left our apartment complex on Saturday, and then on the way home, the rain had lessened, but it started getting really chilly. I thought of calling Nikki to pick me up from therapy, but then she would have to drag the kids with her and all that, plus I wanted the exercise. Surprisingly enough, I didn't get sick!
I was wearing these tights on my last walk that aren't really like tights. They look like thin leather pants but they aren't leather, nor do they feel anything like it. They feel soooo nice though. I begged and pleaded Nikki to get them for me (LOL). They were completely soaked when I walked into therapy, and my legs were freezing. Before the session was over, they were dry and my legs were nice and warm. I'll have to get a picture with them on.
Speaking of my session, last Saturday was my first free therapy. (No, I'm not telling anyone who this therapist is, nor how to contact her!) I'm dealing with a lot of issues, such as not working, and sometimes being accused of being a freeloader; no real social life; seasonal depression; neighbors who I despise for the most part, and sometimes fear; missing the privilege of just being able to buy something I want without begging (see previous paragraph); and a bunch of other things that I'd rather not mention, actually.
What happens to me is this: One thing goes wrong and I get upset. Grrr, grrr, you know... nothing major (or so it seems). If something else happens within the next half hour or so (even something minor like a fork getting suck in the dishwasher), I fly off the handle. I throw the fork into the sink in a rage, breaking a glass and sending shards all over. (This is both an example, and something that really happened.) The rage dissipates fairly quickly, and I sob deeply for about ten minutes straight. This has happened about five times in the last month. I initially wanted to blame it on my Provera, which is a progesterone supplement, but as you can see here, I started it in the beginning of January, and I started having these moods over a month later. I mean, it could be possible... but I haven't heard of anyone else having such severe mood swings due to this medication.
Speaking of therapy, I went with Sarah to her therapist (along with the other two), and we all went in the office and talked. Well, Skylar played with trains, but she's three years old. Sarah talked a lot during the session, which is really different for her! She would usually just shrug or give one syllable answers. She actually knows now (or at least she's finally admitting) that she acts out because of something she's mad about and holding inside. That is the first step! Knowing that, "Yes, I am doing this and it's not good," and, "I know why I'm doing it." Yay Sarah! Self-awareness is the key to happiness, that's what I think. Or at least one of the keys. A healthy environment helps too. We gave her the latter, only she can achieve the former, with help of course. And you know what her therapist said to me? She said that I'm a very calm person, and I make her feel calm when I come in her office to talk with her and Sarah. Hmmm. Nobody has EVER said anything like that to me. I make Sarah's therapist feel calm? How odd, but cool, no?
What else? How about my cover story? Okay, title story. We're still looking at moving to Arizona, and I'm looking forward to it more and more. Alternatively, I am pretty darn scared of moving there. I mean, sure... brand new beginning and all that. A place I've never even come close to visiting. Summer clothes every day, no more cold feetsies and chattering teeth. But what if I can't get a job down there either? What if Nikki and I fight a whole lot, and we're not happy together anymore? I could chalk it up to simple fear of the unknown (which is most certainly a factor), but Nikki and I have been having problems lately. Fights, arguments, and all that. We may be only having trouble because of all the stress and hardship lately (by the way, we got the money from my mother and now we're in no danger of being evicted, yay!). Maybe it'll all slowly fade away in Tucson, and I can work again, and feel like a real member of society. Maybe I'll become as strong a person as I was before I left New York. Anti-social feelings gone for the most part, and the strength to be me without caring an inch what others think. I hope so. I dearly hope so.
For some reason, I find myself thinking of the trip down there very often, and looking forward to it. Yes, all 2000 miles of it. I picture it starting out (in mid-May, which is our schedule) with humid and somewhat hot temperatures, then gradually becoming hotter and less humid, as the hell that we've known (which is otherwise known as Michigan) fades farther and farther behind us... as we emerge from the dark clouds around us... and into the sunlight.
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