Pivotal Point (Blast From the Past Entry)

Big important post here in the history of me! Not only was I preparing to come out to my parents (which I actually ended up doing two months later), but this is the first time I ever stated that I'm a transsexual. I had figured myself for a crossdresser since I was a teenager, and that was over 15 years ago at this point in my life. Looking back, I'm actually really proud of myself. I think I was somewhat proud back then as well, but now that I see how far I've come... well, maybe you remember that old cigarette ad... "You've come a long way, baby!"

Oh yeah, and I still have that Rampage blouse I mentioned below. It does look much better with real boobs!



March 15, 2003
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Though this is dated March 15th, I'll start with Monday the 10th. I had another therapy session on that day, and the main topic of discussion was about me planning on coming out to my parents. What??? Yup. There are several reasons that I think I should do this. #1: With the hair (and birthmark) removal sessions continuing, they're bound to notice pretty soon. #2: Christina (my soon-to-be ex-wife) was threatening me a few weeks ago, that she was going to tell my parents about me if I didn't "cooperate" with her on a few things. #3: Warm weather is coming real soon, and shorts and tank tops are a must for me, especially since there is no air conditioning in my parents' house. That means that I must let the hair on my legs and chest grow back, and I really really don't want to do that! I have been spoiled with a smooth body since October, and I've been dreading the return of the hair. Telling my parents will let them know why my body hair is gone. #4: I'm just tired of the secret. I'm worried that I'll leave something laying around, or they'll come across an article of clothing while looking for something else... or they'll walk in on me while I'm sleeping in a nightie (and yes, I do that quite often).

So I've decided to tell them. But how do I do this? For now, I've decided to write them a letter, which I'll hand to them, and then sweat bullets while they read it. Then I'll field whatever questions or comments they may have. I'm not sure if I should tell them both at once, or one at a time. I have a feeling that if I tell my father first (who I think may be the more supportive of the two), he may be able to help in bringing my mother around. Just a guess. But then, my mother may get angry that I told him first without her knowledge or approval. Tough call there. My mother found out about my wearing of women's clothes in my early teen years (see my first post for details). Despite her previous knowledge, I think she'll be much less accepting than my father would be. She got so mad when I got earrings in both ears!

I sent Vanessa a long letter on Sunday, explaining all this, as well as telling her how I discovered I'm really transsexual, and not a crossdresser. I sent her a copy of the letter to my parents. I also reluctantly asked her if I could have a temporary safe haven at her home, in case my parents decide to kick me out or try to throw out my things. She read the letter to her mother, and they both gave me a wholehearted "yes" to that question. Of course, I hope it doesn't come to that. I would hate to impose on them, plus... well... I don't want to get kicked out at all! That said, they're both very supportive of me, and knowing that I have a place to turn to really helps.

I don't know if I really got into this that much in these diary entries, but I've gradually become to realize I'm not a crossdresser, but rather a transsexual. A big part of the reason for this is the pressure of society. A more specific reason is due to my love life. The last 11 or 12 years of my life have been spent jumping from one relationship to another. When I went through the separation from Christina last summer, I not only didn't have anybody, but I didn't want anybody. Due to having no focus on someone else, and no desperate drive to find someone else, I was finally able to focus on myself.

So I'm not sure when I'll tell the parents, but it should be soon. At the dinner table on Sunday, my brother said that my neck was "stripey" (the hair becomes patchy since some sections grow back after a hair removal session, while other sections remain hairless).

Another occurence that I'll mention before getting to today, regards an email snafu. I logged onto the FemmeFever group page to send out a group email, looking for some girls to join me in New York City. I typed the message and I clicked on send. Once. My mailbox started filling up with a slew of these messages, all saying the same thing! I found out that everyone else was getting the same emails, so I sent out an apology message a few minutes later. Now that was being sent over and over! It turns out that any non-AOL'ers were being spammed (later by Karen and Andi as well), and the people on AOL were only sent one message. My messages were sent out a combined amount of over 300 times to each non-AOL person!

Some fool with a username of mperou sent a message to the entire group, consisting of only one word, "idiot." I responded privately, explaining what happened, only to get another email stating that I'm "still an idiot." This was a little upsetting, but I was greatly uplifted by being defended by Karen, Dee, Andi, and Chrissy. In short, Karen asked for a public apology, to no response. So "mperou" was kicked out of FemmeFever. Nice going, mperou! Karen sent me her response to being kicked out, which said that I was "intolerant." Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? I didn't publicly insult someone because of a computer error that wasn't their fault. It seems that with some people the entire world could be wrong, and they are right. So far, this month I've been punched and called an idiot in the view of hundreds of people. What next? The month's only half over, you know...

Now on to Saturday night! I went to Carmen's to get changed. I was going to wear a slinky black blouse by Rampage with my denim skirt, but it's way too low, and my breast forms were showing. :) That stinks, it's an awesome blouse. I'll have to save it for when I have real boobies. ;) Until then, maybe I'll use it in my "duplex mode." * Maybe I'll wear that blouse to the dentist, LOL!

Carmen saved me by loaning me one of her tops, a cream-colored lacy-style top with small holes. It turned out to be a pretty sexy outfit since you could see my black bra underneath. I drove with Carmen to Andrea's house to pick her up. Carmen did some finishing touches there, and I did my nails. Out to the city we went, with me at the wheel. The target tonight was Crazy Nanny's. I had many maps and directions printed out from their website, as well as from Yahoo Maps. We found the club without much difficulty, but the real problem was finding parking. After driving around for over 20 minutes looking for street parking, we finally settled on a parking garage. It was $15, which isn't bad at all.

After walking four city blocks (my feet were hurting... and freezing!), we entered Crazy Nanny's. I felt a little trepidation upon entering. You see, not only were we the only tg gals in the place (at least that I could tell), we were the only white people in the place! I'm not prejudiced, but I felt a little nervous, since we were most out of place. We sure got a lot of stares. A few drinks helped with that. Lilly showed up with her friend, a genetic girl named Karen (who Lilly hoped would someday be more than a friend). Then Genifer joined us with another tg gal named Katia, who is Russian, complete with the accent. Some of the girls had an idea to go down to another club called Henrietta Hudson. With three or four gin and tonics in me, I was pretty darn agreeable to anything. We walked a few blocks, and into this packed-as-hell club. All I did there was check my coat, use the bathroom (which involved a 30 minute wait on line), and then get my coat and leave. I really wanted to stay (there were cute young white lesbians there!), but Andrea was getting claustrophobia from the wall-to-wall people. You could barely move in there. So, since we were together (Andrea, Carmen and I), off we went, back to Long Island. Bummer.

We stopped off at Auntie M's before going home. We ran into Terri (who I had met twice before), who was in guy mode. The funny thing is that I didn't even recognize her until she told me who she was. I had even asked her if she was tg, ha ha! So the night ended on a good note anyway.



* "Duplex mode" is a term I made up to signify less-than-complete girl-mode. I may have worn women's clothing with some makeup but not all, and maybe a wig or maybe not. So I may have had beard shadow and/or short hair, breast forms or not. Note that if I dress like this now, I would still look fine, since I have no shadow on my face, my natural hair is long, and my natural breasts are... well, breasts. Back then, well... I either looked stupid or just weird, take your pick. For some reason, I liked to shock people at the time. Go figure.