I only have one more "looseleaf entry" after this. Unfortunately, I didn't keep up with a private diary, and I didn't start blogging until 2005, on MySpace, of all places. For now, I hope you enjoy reading this one. I was simultaneously disappointed and relieved about Jake disappearing on me. Though dinner may have turned out nice, I really didn't want it to go any further than that. I didn't go out of my way to get in contact with him again. Since I haven't spoken a lot about my first daughter, I'll throw some pictures of her in here. :)
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Wow, writing about her and looking through these pics is so hard. I haven't seen her or talked to her in a year and a half. Her mother won't let me talk to her on the phone, nothing... because she knows I'm a transsexual. Now I know I can fight this. I just need money. I have the phone number to a legal aid service in North Carolina (where Brittany lives now, which is what ended up happening as a result of Christina's money problems as described below), and they charge $800 to $1100. Not bad for legal representation at all, but I just don't have it right now. It just breaks my heart. I pray she doesn't forget me while I go about getting my crap together.
March 26th, 2003
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This entry is just a bunch of odds and ends. First off, I got an order from Karen of FemmeFever, consisting of some leather and pvc stuff! She has herself set up as a distributor through two leather and pvc clothing companies, both focusing on sexy and exotic styles. I got a pvc skirt, real high-quality leather pants (oooh, I love`em!), and a cheerleader pvc costume (as in for Halloween... at least I think so!) that I really bought just for the skirt, which is a real pretty purple and black striped flared skirt. The halter top would not even fit, even if I had breasts. They would fall out! I paid $98 for the pants (which would retail for over $200 easily), $23 for the costume, and $17 for the skirt. Not bad at all! I wanted to get a matching top for the party at the Venom Club on March 28th (more at the end of this entry on that!), but the one I wanted wasn't in stock in my size. :(
On Thursday, March 20th, I had a special therapy session, since the telling of the parents is nigh. Unfortunately, I messed up, thinking the appointment time was 11 AM, when it was for 9:15 AM. Something made me dig out my appointment card and look. Oops! As I was looking at it, it was 9:17 AM. So I called my therapist apologizing, but ended going anyway, for a slightly shorter session. Keep in mind that I left my laundry in the washer in my haste (boy and girl clothes mixed), and my father was home.
We talked some more at therapy about my "telling all," and we did some roleplaying. She was my mom, and I was... well, me. It helped at least a little, because some of "mom's" questions really stumped me! After therapy, I picked up a copy of True Selves, by Mildred Brown, to show to my parents when I tell them. I read some of it. It's a really good book, and written with great care to help cisgendered people understand.
Then I returned home. I was surprised to see my sister was home, as she had moved out a few weeks ago. It turned out that she'd stopped by to do her laundry! She acted totally normal when she told me she'd put my wet clothes on top of the dryer. So I acted normal also. But she must've noticed, since the pile of laundry was full of panties, as well as two bras. I grabbed my wet clothes and hid them in my room until the dryer was done being used. A few minutes later, my father saw me and asked, "Whose laundry are you doing?" All I could do was go, "Uhhhh... ummm..." Then he said, "Are you doing some of Vanessa's laundry too?" I jumped on that and said, "Yeah!" He must've not been looking too closely though, because Vanessa could not squeeze into a 34A bra! Anyway, all this stuff seems to be building up, so I'd better tell them before they figure it out themselves anyway.
I was going to tell them on Sunday night after Brittany (my daughter) left, but my ex delivered some stressful and rather bad news. She's five months behind on the maintenance charges for her condo (formerly our condo), to a total of $3200 owed. She received a letter from a lawyer a week ago, and she's in danger of being kicked out. She quit her job, and is now surprised that she can't pay her bills. Plus, the car she has was gotten through her job, so she says she'll lose that in a week. She has no family to turn to, soon she'll have no car, and maybe no home... and she has Brittany to take care of. I was the only person who cared about her, and she threw me away. What an idiot she is! So my father very reluctantly agreed to pay the $3200, which he has to take out a loan for. Now she's waiting for SSI (Supplemental Security Income) to approve her... hopefully. She was on SSI when she lived with me at my parents' house and she received $613 a month. If she were to get that amount now, that'd more than cover the $492 monthly maintenance charge. But if she's not approved, she won't be able to afford the monthly payments, she'll be without a home, and my father would've wasted all that money. In light of all this going on, I think that laying this on them now couldn't be worse timing.
Brittany used to love this thing. It would shake and tumble all over. It made a nice racket on this wood floor. ;)Someone I haven't mentioned very much in this diary is my beautiful daughter, Brittany. I see her every other weekend from Saturday at 12 noon, until Sunday at 6 PM. She's too adorable. She gives lots of hugs and kisses, and she says, "Hi!" This past weekend, she said her first two-word phrase. I was holding her, and she was wiggling around because she wanted to be let down. Then she said, "Want down!" I was like, "Did you really say that?"She also loves to hide in the closet. I say, "Where's Brittany?" She then bursts out of the double doors, and I say, "There she is!" She squeals and laughs, it's so cute. She'll do that 20 times or more before getting tired of it. I call her my "monkey girl" because she makes a lot of monkey noises. I don't care if Christina ends up in some ratty old shelter, but I sure don't want Brittany there. Christina has told me on more than one occassion, "There's no way you're taking Brittany away from me!" Sure... you would rather bring her to hell with you then.
Bursting out of the closet, giggling and squealing!
Brittany's second birthday! When she was this age, she used to flip things back and forth rapidly before eating or playing with them. That was her way of inspecting things.
Apparently, it passed inspection.I'm looking forward to this Friday. Karen has a get-together set up at this place called the Venom Club. It's an S&M place, but the party isn't, and the doors are closed to all but us FemmeFever members from 6 - 10 PM. I have to be to work at 11 PM anyway, so I won't be hanging around to watch the hijinks that'll ensue when the regulars come in. I wanted to wear one of those leather or pvc outfits for the occasion, but since that top was out of stock, I only have pants or skirts. Ah well. My pink imitation leather skirt and jacket set will have to do. I got it at Rave Girl, which is actually a store for teen and pre-teen girls. :P
I'm probably telling my parents on Sunday. I was going to meet that guy, Jake, for dinner on that night, but he hasn't written me in over a week. I get so nervous when I think about telling them. It's going to be very hard, but I'll be happy just to get it over with.
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