Feelings and Thoughts (Blast From the Past Entry)

Another golden oldie! And hoo boy, this one is a doozy. I can't believe now that I was contemplating a male partner. I have no attraction at all to men, and I don't think I did back in 2003, either. It was more of wanting to see what that part of the "female role" was like. You can also see that I'm questioning just who I am. We're getting really close to that pivotal moment where I stopped in my tracks and said, "Holy shit, I'm a transsexual!"



January 22, 2003
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I'm writing this to help in therapy, so this is mostly just like the title says, "Feelings and Thoughts."

First off, I'm pretty happy and feeling fine on most days, but every once in awhile, I get frustrated and sad. Why? I wish very badly that I could be in girl mode full-time. I'm envious of those that can do so. I need my own place in order to do this, and I don't make nearly enough money to have my own place. If I told my family now, at best I think they would feel uncomfortable or angry with me, and this would make me uncomfortable also. And at worst, I would be kicked out of the house!

Why couldn't my mother just accept me? When she found out when I was in my teens and twenties, she acted like I was doing it to hurt her. I'm not acting maliciously by doing this, I could've been a drug dealer, a rapist, and abuser of women, a murderer, but no... all I do is greatly enjoy wearing women's clothing, makeup, and jewelry. It is a turn-on for me, but that's not all it is. Everything feels better when I'm in girl mode: I feel comfortable and relaxed, yet also beautiful and sexy. I could care less about my appearance as R--- (yet I don't want to look like a slob either), but as Amy, it's very important to me. If someone gives me a compliment on my appearance as R--- (which happens very rarely), I like it. If the compliment is to my appearance as Amy, I love it! It makes me feel so good inside. I just soak up all those comments like a sponge... and I'm always hungry for more. I've been complimented on my legs, my hair (which is actually a wig), , my shape, how I do my makeup, how I do my nails, my small hands... I love it all! I try my best not to get vain or full of myself about it... yet I also feel like maybe I deserve it. Maybe this is making up for all the teasing and bullying in high school... all the indifference towards me from the female population in general. What I'm getting in girl mode (popularity, acceptance, envy, attractiveness, lust!), is making for what I never got in guy mode. I put my picture up on a website where they rate people's personal photos, called hotornot.com... as R----, I got a 1.5 out of 10. As Amy, a 7.8 out of 10!

Anyway, like I stated saying at the beginning of this writing, I would love to live life as Amy 100% of the time. But I need my own place. So I need either a new job, or a second job in addition to the one I already have. But would this new job (as well as my current one) accept me at their place of business dressed as Amy? If I worked two jobs, would I have enough time to even have free time to myself? So it's almost a catch-22. I don't have enough money to do this, and if I do get the money, I may not be able to do it the way I like, and/or be working so much I won't be able to enjoy it anyway. I know I'm putting too much on my plate to worry about, but I feel like maybe this is an unattainable goal, and that makes me sad.

Also, I enjoy the compliments no matter who they come from, but I'm pretty sure that from the guys, they only want one thing. Now I know how girls feel when guys hit on them. I want to be appreciated for who I am inside. I want a friend before I want a lover, especially when a man is concerned. This is not meaning that I want a male companion more than a female, quite the opposite! But meaning that if I do want to "experiment" with a man, I want it to be someone I know pretty well, and who likes me for me. (Yet who am I? A woman trapped in a man's body? Part male and part female?) I just want to be romanced and loved, not just expected to put a man's dick in my mouth when I have just met him... that isn't for me!