Until today, we had no cable, no phone, and no internet. I'm not going to go into specifics, but an agency owes Nikki quite a bit of money. Without the money, well... there go the utilities.
That's not really the subject of this entry though. I've lost a friend. Not good at all. I made the choice to stop being this person's friend, because of all the judgments that were being heaped all over me, with no basis on fact or reality. This friend, who I will call B, thinks that I abuse Nikki. If I've ever had a jaw-dropping WTF moment, this is the one. B witnessed an argument between Nikki and I, and Nikki might have disclosed some information about other problems or arguments we've had (Nikki won't admit to this though). Well, here's the skinny on the argument:
I went down to Southwestern Intervention Services on Saturday, January 8th. This was for my class that I wrote about
here. There was a closed sign on the door, and I tried to open the door, but it would not budge. It sure seemed locked to me. Of course, I thought: They're closed. I then thought they actually held the class at another location. I messed up. (Little did I know, the building was open, the class was being held there, the sign always says "closed" on a weekend, and the door sticks!) So, I left, planning on getting an extension on my court hearing and rescheduling the appointment, as well as figuring out just what the hell was going on with this class.
Nikki was at McDonald's with B and the kids. I sat down and proceeded to admit that I needed the car on Monday to go to court and get a extension on the court date. Nikki completely flipped out. She said she was going to go to lunch with a coworker on Monday, and she acted like I was deliberately trying to run her plans. She was rubbing in the fact that I made a mistake as well. Her whole attitude was really upsetting me, and I was getting embarrassed because this was all in front of B. B offered to drive Nikki to work so that I could have the car. Nikki told B that she leaves for work at 7 am. I added that it's 40 minutes one way. B balked at this, but ended up saying, "Well, if this needs to be done, then it needs to be done." Now, wait a second... all because Nikki doesn't want to postpone the lunch thing for one day, then B would have to get up early and drive all that way? I would've felt terrible. I ended up saying that I would just go on Tuesday (the actual court date that I wanted to postpone was Wednesday), or better yet, not at all. (I was really upset.) Let them suspend my license so I couldn't drive the kids to doctor appointments, or anywhere else for that matter, while Nikki is at work. I began to wonder just why this lunch date was so darn important. It didn't make any sense to me.
Later on that day, I saw a Facebook status from B, indicating that they were very upset. I asked B if it was about me and Nikki's argument earlier, and B "plead the fifth." Anyone could figure out that the answer was a positive one. Why plead the fifth if the answer is, "No, it doesn't have to do with you."
Nikki ended up taking Monday off anyway, and I went to go do my court errand, She didn't want to go to work. The teacher is not so nice to her there. That's another story though.
As the days went on, I began to get the distinct feeling that B thought I was doing, or had done, something wrong. Nikki said a few things that made me wonder what was really going on with B. A couple days ago (from the time of this writing), B left a link on Facebook, stating that they have two lesbian friends, and one is abusing the other. B was trying to work out how to tell this person to stop what she's doing.
I wrote B a message asking if B was talking about me. B wrote this: "I'm working on a reply to this, but in the meantime it's more than just this day [the time at McDonald's]. We have some things to cover, and not all of them are going to be popular."
This would seem to you that I'm the one who's "abusing" my girlfriend, wouldn't it? B was trying to work out a way to say it in a nice way. First of all, there is no nice way to say that someone is abusing someone. Besides, it was already said in a pretty straightfoward manner in the link that was left before the above message. I'm not stupid. I can put two and two together. How likely would it be that there are TWO lesbian friends that B wanted to talk about their relationship with... at the same time?
I wrote back: "What do we have to cover? Do you think I'm abusive? Nikki doesn't think so. I know what abuse is, and I've never done anything like that."
No answer. I waited until the next day. This thing had been bothering me for some time now, and now with what was written with the Facebook link, it was coming to a head. I was feeling very anxious about all this. Keep in mind that I place a certain amount of importance on what this person thinks of me. I could care less what strangers or acquaintances think, but friends are important. I wrote back: "Hey, if you're going to say something, just say it." B then proceeded to say that they would tell about it on their own timetable, and they'll "get to it."
I'd had enough at this point. It's bad enough that Nikki's mother thinks I'm a child molester or some kind of freak, or that her sister and her sister's husband feels the same (some nice words like "he/she/it" and "shemale" came out of his nasty mouth), or that my mother thinks I'm a
transvestite or a drag queen, or that a former friend in Michigan referred to us as
breeders, and discussed my private parts. Now, here is this friend who I came to grow really fond of, thinking I'm an abuser.
Let me get this straight. Someone who abuses another is close to the bottom of the heap of this so-called human race. There are killers, pedophiles, and rapists. Those are the scum of the earth. I would just dump those people on an island somewhere and then just nuke it. Abusers are slightly above those people. I feel very strongly about this. I believe that in a former life (or lives), I was abused. I believe I was also raped, due to my strong aversion to any scene in a movie where it seems someone might be raped. (I typically have a stronger reaction to this than any woman I see the movie with.) But that's another story. I would never abuse someone, especially someone I love. And I can't stand that someone I consider a friend would be thinking such things about me. What's next? I sexually abuse our kids? F*** this crap! I sent B this message:
"Fine, then goodbye. I've removed you from friends on here. I'm just done. I'm not an abusive ass like you obviously think I am. Me and Nikki's relationship may not be perfect, but I don't abuse her verbally, emotionally, mentally... and I sure as hell do not abuse Nikki physically or sexually. I'd rather have my insides torn out by vultures than ever hurt her like that. Like I said, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes, same as anyone. I do my best to learn from them. Heck, I could claim that Nikki is verbally abusive to me for all the times she's cursed me out. But I'm not going to. You know why? She made a mistake. She let her anger get the best of her. With two females, a relationship can be very emotional, both good and bad. Mistakes can be made, feelings can be hurt. I do my best to be the best damn girlfriend I can be, but you know what? Just like you, I have my baggage. Everyone does. But you go ahead and think what you want to think. I'm going to try my best not to let it affect my life in a negative way. I am really, really upset right now. But there are other people, other friends. I don't have any problem with you being Nikki's friend (though certain people may think otherwise), but I don't have to be yours."B wrote back with all the standard guilt trip nonsense, and compared me to my mother, of all people. That had me fuming. B knew just where to hit me. That's the danger of letting a friend in. That friend knows your weaknesses, your sore spots, and could try to use them against you if scorned. B said that we're not the only two lesbians I know, and that I assumed the facts. That ties into what I wrote above. How could I *not* assume it was me? Are there two lesbian relationships that B is trying to interfere with?
B also wrote that my message was violent. Where is the violence in my message? Go on, read it again if need be.
B also was under the mistaken assumption that Nikki took off from work because I didn't want B to drive me. Umm, hello? Nikki took off because she wanted to take off. She needed a break from work. I could've easily drove her to work in order to use the car. We've done it three or four times a month since she started working. B also said that I told Nikki I don't want her to ride in her car with them. That's not true either. Is Nikki really saying I did these things?
This former friend let their past abuse cloud their judgment, and think things of me that were just plain untrue. But B's past is not my issue. My issue is the negativity and frustration, knowing that a friend thinks such horrible things of me. I do feel bad for breaking things off like I did, but I did what I had to. I had to stand up for myself.
Now for more bad news, if anyone's still reading at this point. Nikki has been lying to me, and I went into the text messages on her phone. I just knew that I was being talked about behind my back, and I was compelled to know the truth. Yes, it was wrong.
On the flip side, Nikki badgered me to get out of the bedroom (OUR bedroom, mind you) because she was on a phone call and didn't want me to hear what she was saying. (Gee, make me more paranoid, thanks.) "You misted the iguana's cage already." "Why are you in here?" All the time she was on the phone with B. She told me later that it was her friend, Katie. B sent me a message today, talking about things B heard us discuss at that moment. Oh, it's okay for B to hear me and Nikki's conversations, but I have to go away if they're talking? That, and I was lied to. Right to my face.
Following that incident, I decided to leave. I did not (correction, do not) feel safe in this relationship. At the same time, I can't fathom being without Nikki. I packed my things, waited for her to come home so that I wouldn't leave the kids home alone, and set out on foot. I walked about five miles, and Nikki talked me into letting her pick me up.
I don't know if this relationship is salvageable. You need more than love to keep a relationship going. One of the other things is trust. Neither of us has any trust in the other. It's going to be very hard for me to trust Nikki ever again, and the same for her. I have found myself wishing over the past two days that she had not picked me up. That way neither of us could continually have our trust violated by a loved one.
B wrote this in a message to me today:
"I liked my friend Amy, this crazy, psychobitch in her place, is no friend of mine. YOU PUSHED ME AWAY, NEVER FORGET that. This is YOUR fault. You did it, not me. You decided I was judging you, and yes, now, I think you are hostile, arrogant, belligerent and don't give a sh** about anyone but yourself. Nikki and the girls deserve better. And don't give me that shyte about Nikki being as bad, SHE WANTS to work on the relationship, or did when last I spoke to her, and YOU REFUSE. You keep crying and blaming her for everything that's gone wrong in your life. [I never do that.]
I'm not going to say you're a failure as a woman, I will say you're a failure as a human being. You're selfish, self centered, paranoid, abusive, demanding, hostile, belligerent, unwilling to compromise, unwilling to give people time and space to themselves. You don't talk with people, you don't seem to really care how other people feel. If by judging you you mean that I've seen what you've shown me and decided I don't like it, well f*** yes, then I'm judging you biotch, get the f*** over it."B wrote that the message I sent (the first one, above) is abusive and violent. Then B writes something like this. Which is the abusive message out of the two?
I wrote this in reply:
"Calling me a crazy psychobitch? Now who's stepping over the line? I haven't abused anyone. The only one being abusive here is you, and perhaps you're abusing Nikki too. She places a lot of value in what you say, and whether you know you're doing it or not, you f***ed with her head and attacked our relationship at it's very weakest points. Congratulations. You, and you alone, are responsible for causing the utmost heartbreak of two people that you dared to call "friend." Nikki may buy into your happy horsesh**, but I see you for what you truly are."You see, I normally could care less what a "non-friend" says or does. But I know that this person is trying their best to twist our relationship into a fearful, dishonest thing. I wish Nikki could see what's going on here. I love Nikki so, so much... but I can't make her believe me, or believe in me. It seems she only believes in B.
I can see writing quite a bit in this blog for the next... oh, whenever this crisis has passed, one way or another. I don't know where I'll be next week, but it'll either be right where I am now, in New York (and possibly de-transitioned so that my folks will help me), or out on the road to New York, hoping that nothing happens between here and there. I have no idea what my future holds at the point, and that scares the hell out of me.
