I struggle to have hope.
I struggle to not let despair overcome me.
I struggle to not let self-doubt petrify me.
I struggle to find a solution, amidst all the struggling.
I was going to post the above as a Facebook status. but I decided to just put it here.
I still don't have a job.
I have gotten three speeding tickets since I got here, two months ago. (I got one in all of three years in Michigan, and my last speeding ticket prior to that was in 1993. What is it about Tucson and the strict speeding enforcement?)
Our rent is about two weeks late now, with not a dime towards it.
Nikki has found work, but as a teacher's aide, not a teacher. She's very unhappy with the whole thing.
We've had so many problems with our relationship lately. I almost packed and walked twice, and she says every day how she doesn't want to live here, or that she's moving out of Arizona.
I'm trying so hard not to give in to negativity. If I lose hope and think that all is lost, I'll sink into a deep depression and I'll be of no use to anyone - my family, and myself. The future is not written in stone. Things may be bad now, but they may not always be. I refuse to give up... or give in.
One way or another, this is my last stand. I left New York and moved to Michigan to find a better home with Nikki and the kids. It was less than ideal, to put it mildly. We came here for the same reason. I do love the weather and the people here (it's been a long time since I've had so many awesome friends!), but it's just been hardship after hardship. I'm not going back to Michigan. I'm not going back to New York. Nikki may leave, but I just can't follow her this time.
I'm not going to run from my problems anymore. My problems and I are going to settle this once and for all.
This is my last stand.
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