Good Bye Summer

[ Shin Seung Hun - I Believe (ft. in My Sassy Girl) ]

hello hello,

I know its been a while since i've blogged. So what right? nothing new in that with me. hah. just a short update, school has started for a good two weeks now. I must say for once summer felt like summer, it wasn't as short as i usually felt like it was; but instead it lasted about the time i thought it would. Any who no point on reminiscing over summer, but to recap. Recently it was my older sis's Milly's 28th birthday, she invited me to go out with her and the girls to celebrate since she can drink alcohol again (cuz she just had a baby, EVAN my nephew of 5 and 1/2 months)we had to for sure go all out. Since my sister missed MY 21st BIRTHDAY cuz she had promised me she would take me out bar hopping for my 21st but who knew she gets knocked up couple months before my birthday! lol.

but i wasn't tripping because my NEPHEW is extremelyyyyy cute and chill as fcuk too! so it was kind of a double party then. we originally planned to go to Infusion Lounge, but we got there late and they were packed; couldnt get in. So then we took our high heel rockin legs over to Bubble Lounge and just stayed there for the rest of the night, danced, dranked, and got a little tipsy. here are a couple photos of us.

Here is the first photo of the night, on the lower floor gettin our shots before heading to the dance floor. Now from Left to right Top to bottom:

Me, Christine, Dawnee, BIRTHDAY GIRL Milly, Nancy

Lisa, Tina, and Liana

(check out the dude on the right hella scoping out, haha)

On the crowded stuffy dance floor with Liana.

Back up stairs since they closed downstairs bar early. Boooo, we needed more alcohol so of course we headed on up! you can see how my sister is just glowing right?! :D

Sisterly Love (:

do we look alike? some say yes, some says no. what was funny was that we both rocked the same color combo and it wasnt intentional! haha...great minds think alike eh. LOVE HER to death.

Last round girls! before we end the night! ): awww... i had a great time, can you tell? i'm all towed up by the end of the night. haha...

Got to take a quick pic with the hostess of the night, one of thee sister's RIDE OR DIE chicks Nancy a.k.a Ms. Hotty! the hottest bartender i know =] she still sees me as Milly's younger BABY sister, all night she was like "ITS CRAZY YOU'RE 21 NOW EVA!! OMYGOSH, I STILL REMEMBER COMING OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE GIRL!". must say, love Nancy. she always been very kind and sweet to me even since i was little. hehe. love you too hot stuff!

Until next time i hope you guys have a great weekend! love you all! toodles.

- LOVEVA

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A Day in the Life...

This was taken from a message to a friend, which I've expanded quite a bit. Wednesday. "Hump Day" for the fortunately employed, but rather hellish for me.

(It's funny... I googled "tough day" and got the above image. How ironic... don't ya think?)

It's been a very busy week here. We were in danger of losing the apartment, but thank goodness my mother helped us. Nikki just started working about two weeks ago, but she doesn't get paid until September 4th, so things are tight until then. I've been pulling the wagon back and forth to take Savannah to school (see previous blog entry).

On Tuesday evening, our air conditioning stopped working. It quickly got to over 80 degrees in the apartment. The serviceman came down, but he couldn't do anything on the roof since it was dark and rainy at the time. I ended up pulling an all-nighter because it was just too hot for me to fall asleep. I don't think I've done that since I was a teenager. I had the car on Wednesday so that I could take Skylar to a doctor appointment. I thought it would be a nice day, since I wouldn't have to drag the wagon around for six miles. Heh, not really.

I dropped Nikki off at work, dropped Savannah off at school, then went home to wait for the repairman, and for the package to come from my mother. The apartment manager has been giving us a hard time because I'm not on the lease yet. It turns out that any adult who lives in an apartment must be on the lease. On this one particular day, she decided to step it up a notch.

"I'm not allowed to give you any information because you are not on the lease."

"I don't need information, I just need the serviceman to come by and fix the air conditioning."

"We don't have clearance for the serviceman to enter the home, and only Nikki can give the clearance."

"Wait a second. She's at work and can't be readily reached, but I am here in the apartment."

"Yes, but you are not on the lease, and that's the problem here."

"The problem here is that there is a four year old in this apartment, and in a few hours, it will be over 100 degrees in here... and you won't let him fix the air conditioning."

"Sigh... it'll take him about a half hour since he's working on another repair right now."

He arrived less than ten minutes later. The problem was fixed in about five minutes. When I asked him what was wrong with it, he said that he had "gotten in trouble with the manager" for talking to me the night before, and Nikki would have to call the office to find out. (We don't care that much, as long as it's fixed.) I wonder how exactly he got in "trouble?" And why? How would he know if my name was on the lease or not?

Then I went to Sarah's school to give them some money she owes for lunches, went home and got one hour of sleep, then got up, gave Skylar lunch and took her to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor gave her a clean bill of health, and said her shots could wait until next year. I agreed to that, since I was late for picking up Savannah.

I picked up Savannah from school, then I filled the tank with gas, and went home to wait for Sarah to get home. I saw a note stuck in the door. The deliveryman had arrived while I was out running our errands, and the package was at the post office. It was made out to Nikki, since my mother still refuses to acknowledge in any way that I have a new name... yet she is intelligent enough to know that I can't sign for a package with a name that is no longer my own. Anyway, Sarah got home, and I helped her with her homework, but we couldn't finish because I had to pick Nikki back up from work.

Nikki usually gets off at 3:45. I got there early since I figured, who knows, we might get delayed in traffic and not make it back to the post office in time, 35 minutes from her employer! 4:00 PM came and went. I went inside and asked the receptionist if she was still there. She said that she believed she had left, but I was welcome to check the classroom if I wanted to. I was getting really nervous now. Did she get a ride home from someone else? Did she get hurt or sick at work, and was rushed to the hospital? Not only was I worried for her health and safety, but she was the only one who could sign for that package, and the court date was tomorrow! Then I saw her walking, and caught up with her. She asked me, "How were you coming from back there?" The kids were all crying because they were stuck in a hot car for 20 minutes, and they were thirsty and hungry. Savannah had a migraine. Unfortunately, to keep our home, we couldn't yet stop for food, water or pain relievers. We had to hightail it to the post office before the 5 PM deadline. We got there at 4:45 PM.

Nikki signed for the package and we brought it to the manager, and now yay, we don't have to appear in court the next day. The manager was a totally different person at this point. Personable and friendly. Hmmm, well she was getting money after all. My mother actually sent us a bit more than we needed, so that money is going towards getting my name on the lease ($39.00), and as a credit towards next month's rent.

We went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant near us. We came home and I jumped into bed and fell asleep so fast. I much prefer the Kiddo Karavan days.

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Amy and The Karavan of Kiddos

Coming soon to a theatre near you! Okay, seriously then. What you see to the left is me (duh), with Skylar in this new wagon we got. You see, we only have one car, and it's been malfunctioning quite often. Dropping Nikki off at work and picking her up puts a lot of wear and tear on that old thing... and makes us have to buy gas every three days as well.

Sarah and Savannah's schools won't bus them. Sarah is old enough to walk, but I still have to remind Savannah to look both ways when crossing the street, and not to make a sudden dash across it! I can't leave the youngest one at home, and she can't make the walk yet, especially in this heat. She seems to get overheated very fast. So I pull Skylar, and Savannah walks. It's about a mile and a half to Savannah's school. I drop her off in the morning and go back home. Then I pick her up in the afternoon and we go back home. So we're talking approximately six miles a day. All the while pulling about fifty pounds of weight behind me. Skylar is 30-something pounds, and this wagon is at least 15 pounds, maybe more.

It's a real beast dragging the wagon for all those miles, especially when it's over 100 degrees out. I bring at least a gallon of water with me. Sometimes I pour it on us. On Monday, I made the mistake of making the afternoon trip on an empty stomach. Bad idea. I had to stop right after getting Savannah because I thought I was going to throw up. Now I make sure I eat something! As of yesterday, I added Gatorade to my knapsack of liquid refreshers. It really helped. It also rained the whole way home yesterday afternoon, and I loved that. I was completely cooled off before I walked in the door. No resting in bed needed after that trip.  ;)

I make sure the kids are safe, of course. I found a pink Easter hat for Skylar to wear, and I pour water on her if she seems to be very hot. Skylar gets 70 SPF sunblock on any exposed skin. Savannah only gets half the trip we do, which is much easier. It's always on the way back that I start to become tired or overheated. Savannah complains if I get the car that day (for running errands and going to appointments) and I drive her to school. She prefers to walk. Skylar loves the ride. It's some time spent with just mama (aka Me), and their affections for me have stepped up a notch since we started walking. I don't mind that at all!

The real bonus for me is that it's kicking my ass, but I'm losing weight! I lost three pounds since last week. I've probably sweated enough to fill up a dozen gallon jugs. I make sure to rehydrate constantly, and when we get home, I eat something that'll put the electrolytes back into me.

As it is, people are really going to start recognizing me around here. "There's the woman with the wagon again. Look at `em go!" I try to look my best of course, but it's kind of hard when my face is all red and sweaty, and my hair is pasted to my forehead. All in a day's work, I suppose!

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Driver License Redux!

I have to be an old pro at this by now. I've now gotten three different driver licenses in three different states, all with my preferred name (legal for three years now), and with an 'F' for the gender marker. Arizona was the easiest of them all. You can read about how I got my New York license here (July, 2007) and how I got my Michigan license here (July, 2009). I was a month late this time, but it does seem to be a summer thing, doesn't it?

In both New York and Michigan, I was denied the 'F' gender marker, yet got it at another Motor Vehicle office. Here in Arizona, I didn't even have to bring my birth certificate. I had it stowed away in a folder just in case (along with the court document for my name change), but ALL they needed was a copy of my Michigan license and my social security card. I was sure they were going to see my old name or the gender marker under the Social Security Administration, but nope. I was told to walk to the other side of the lobby to get my photo taken. My name was called before I even got a chance to cross the lobby. I got a FULL driver license, none of that temporary ID nonsense, where you wait for the actual license with photo to arrive in the mail. They made it up right there and handed it to me. And it's good for 25 years! I was amazed, and I told the worker behind the counter that, "Wow, this license lasts forever." He chuckled. I was so glad and relieved that it passed without a hitch. Tucson doesn't have Motor Vehicle offices every five miles like in Michigan and New York. There's only three or four here, and they're spread pretty far out.

So in short, if you're transsexual and moving to Tucson, changing your license over is a snap. For now, anyway. They're always changing the rules, it seems. And I have no idea if this applies to Arizona outside of Tucson. Tucson is pretty LGBT-friendly, so it may be easier here than in Phoenix, for example.

Here's some pictures of my various driver licenses through the years. Now I just need a passport. Passports with one's "preferred" gender have have recently been made much easier to obtain.

Unfortunately, that's really the only thing that seems to have come easily in Tucson. Our car died on us again. Let's see. Due to the numerous speeding tickets I've obtained since getting here (see my last entry), we haven't paid our rent or phone bill as of yet. We got an eviction notice a few days ago. The phone service was canceled a day later. Nikki had paid the past due balance about an hour ago, but they hadn't turned the phone back on yet. I wanted the car to shop around to see if we could get any rental assistance. We hate asking for help like that, but the alternative is bye-bye apartment and hello street! I was driving Nikki to work so I could use the car. I noticed that the temperature gauge was all the way up on "hot." We stopped to put some coolant in. There was immediately a puddle on the ground under the car. It had all poured out!

Nikki had just gotten this job the week before and she didn't want to get fired, so we drove part of the way there and bought more coolant, since now the needle was sticking straight up, way past the final line. It poured out. Nikki had some bottles of water for lunch, so she poured those in there. About a mile from her employer, the car died. At a light, in the middle of the road. There we were, with two kids in the car, no working phone, and stuck in the middle of the road. The only number we could call was 911. I called them, and a car had soon arrived. He pushed the car off to the side of the road with his car, and he called a tow truck and a taxi for us. Nikki was able to charge the towing on her debit card. We didn't have enough for the taxi, or so I thought. I still had the money order for my defensive driving class, and it wasn't filled out, meaning I could cash it back in and retrieve the money I spent for it (minus a dollar or however much they charge for the service).

So, after having the taxi driver take us down to Nikki's employer so she could explain why she had to take off work today, we had him drive us to a post office near our home. I ran in with the money order, and was told that they just opened and didn't have enough cash in their drawers yet. Aggghhh! The taxi was waiting outside, with no other way to pay him! But then some man came in and bought a money order himself, for some large sum of money. Now they had enough cash to give me. I cashed the money order, he drove us home, and we paid him. $40 plus tip for the taxi, $53 for the towing, and oh yes, $22 on two gallons of coolant that spilled out as fast as we could put it in.

I walked down to the auto shop that we had the car towed to (since the phones were still not on!). It was a good four mile walk in 100 degree heat. I made a lot of stops to drink water, or pour it on my head. I'm sure steam rose up off my noggin! I got some Gatorade on the way back too, for energy and electrolytes. That stuff works! I haven't had it for over ten years, but wow they made it tastier, and it rejuvenated me quite a bit. Oh, and the auto shop let me use their phone to call AT&T and get our service turned back on.

The repair cost us a pretty penny (all we had left plus some help from my mother - again, ugh, I hate bothering and inconveniencing her), since it was some metal part of the line that feeds the coolant from one part of the engine to the other. It had been rubbing against the bottom of the car since it made, apparently, and eventually a hole formed. Great engineering there, Mercury makers! The way the piece is jammed against the bottom, well, it just jacked the labor up sky high. Unfortunately, I have to take them at their word, since I know jack about cars.

The moral of the story: This car is killing us! Okay, that's not really a moral, but we really need a break here.

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Last Stand in Tucson

I struggle to stay positive.
I struggle to have hope.
I struggle to not let despair overcome me.
I struggle to not let self-doubt petrify me.
I struggle to find a solution, amidst all the struggling.

I was going to post the above as a Facebook status. but I decided to just put it here.

I still don't have a job.

I have gotten three speeding tickets since I got here, two months ago. (I got one in all of three years in Michigan, and my last speeding ticket prior to that was in 1993. What is it about Tucson and the strict speeding enforcement?)

Our rent is about two weeks late now, with not a dime towards it.

Nikki has found work, but as a teacher's aide, not a teacher. She's very unhappy with the whole thing.

We've had so many problems with our relationship lately. I almost packed and walked twice, and she says every day how she doesn't want to live here, or that she's moving out of Arizona.

I'm trying so hard not to give in to negativity. If I lose hope and think that all is lost, I'll sink into a deep depression and I'll be of no use to anyone -  my family, and myself. The future is not written in stone. Things may be bad now, but they may not always be. I refuse to give up... or give in.

One way or another, this is my last stand. I left New York and moved to Michigan to find a better home with Nikki and the kids. It was less than ideal, to put it mildly. We came here for the same reason. I do love the weather and the people here (it's been a long time since I've had so many awesome friends!), but it's just been hardship after hardship. I'm not going back to Michigan. I'm not going back to New York. Nikki may leave, but I just can't follow her this time.

I'm not going to run from my problems anymore. My problems and I are going to settle this once and for all.

This is my last stand.

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Meet Rachel, a Transgender Child

I've been very privileged to meet some transgender children since moving to Arizona. Today I'll talk about one of them. Her name is Rachel and she's nine years old. Despite having short hair (I'll get to that), she looks like a girl, and acts like one. If you saw the attitude, the spunk, that this girl gives off, well you should not doubt for a second that she's indeed female. Her mother's name is Amy (Love the name! Ha!), and she's simply a fantabulous mom, not only to realize who and what Rachel is, but to allow her to be who she wants to be. In this day and age, when parents still pressure their kids to take on a certain profession, this is simply amazing.

Savannah, Rachel, and Sarah.

I got a chance to play a sort of bodyguard for Rachel twice already. The first time was when I met them at Venessia's house, mother to Josie Romero, another transgender child. There was another mother there with a FTM trans-child named Emerson. We were all swimming in a community pool (well, okay, I was the only ADULT in the pool), and Rachel was in the deep end, and too tired too swim. I dragged her over to the side, and almost went under myself in the process! My oldest daughter, Sarah, took to Rachel immediately. Savannah really likes her as well. Skylar had fun playing with Rachel's little sister, Zoey. They're less than a year apart in age.

Last weekend, me, Nikki and the kids had the pleasure of attending a party for Zoey's 5th birthday. Great fun was had by all, though there was one little episode at the playground that really hit home for me. I was playing with Skylar, who was pretending to drive her "truck" to the grocery store and McDonald's. I overheard one boy tell Rachel that she's a boy, and he was calling her by her old name. I told him to knock it off, that Rachel is a girl, and you're going to hurt her feelings. My older daughters made me so proud. They told him that Rachel was born as a boy, but she's a girl inside, and it's what's inside that counts. I wanted to cry. (By the way, though Nikki and I have taught them about transsexuals, they haven't been told that I can be counted among their number. Baby steps, baby steps...) I asked Rachel if she was okay, and to not listen to what the boy was saying. She just shrugged it off and said, "Yeah, I know." If she was upset at all, she sure wasn't letting it show. I've felt from the start that I want to protect Rachel. She may not need protecting, with such a wonderful mom, but she reminds me of myself, who I could've been at that age. I wasn't allowed to be who I wanted to be... who I desperately needed to be.

Rachel and Skylar, beautiful girls both!

I can identify with both Rachel and her mother in two very basic ways. I still wish to this day that I had a mom or dad (hey, how about both?) who were even half as understanding and accepting as Amy is. I can only imagine what it must be like to attend school as a girl, to be accepted for who I am, not some caricature that I had to invent just to survive. As far as Amy, well... I have an ex who will not let me see or talk to my daughter because she noticed certain things about me while I was transitioning to live full time as a woman.

Nikki and I were talking with Amy, and what she told me almost brought me to tears. I didn't admit to it at the time, but I was almost speechless to hear what Rachel has to deal with. She has visitation with her father every other week, for five days out of that week. This man flies into a rage if he sees the name "Rachel" on her homework, or if anyone calls her by that name. He insists on her getting her hair cut short like a boy, almost to the point of it being a buzz cut. In effect, she is in a prison when she's with her father. I feel so bad for her, and I can only imagine Amy's anger and frustration at not being able to help her child for that period of time. There is a custody case building up, and Amy's ex will be trying to discredit her by saying that she's confusing Rachel, endangering her life, and using her for some sort of revenge against him. Rachel has tried to reach out to her father again and again, but he misses the point entirely, each and every time. He says that the whole "Rachel thing" is Amy's way of "getting back at him" because of issues causing their failed marriage. His own parents have tried to explain to him that this child is female.

Skylar (what a face!), Sarah, Savannah, and Rachel.

Why is it that children can understand what adults can't? Why can my daughters understand that Rachel is a girl, but her own father can't? I'm asking these questions, but I know the answer. Prejudice and bias. At some point, we grow up and think we know everything. We make opinions and they rarely change. We try to simplify our life by thinking of everything in terms of black and white... right and wrong... male and female. A male could never be a female, and a female could never be a male. End of story, ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom. WRONG. Wake up, people! Listen to what your kids are telling you. Hell, you might actually learn something. If Amy and Venessia can do it, why can't other parents? Can you love them enough to simply listen, to reach beyond what you know and understand, and love them for who they are... not who you want them to be?

Sarah and Savannah up top, with Rachel chillin' down below.

Rachel attends school as a girl, she has crushes on boys, and hey... when she puts her hand on her hip and says, "I get to stay up until NINE o'clock," well... wake up and smell the perfume.

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I'm Baaaa-ack!

Hmmm, where do I start? It's been a month and a half since I last posted. Why, do you ask? It's been hard for me to settle down to a routine since moving to Arizona. That, and we used to have two computers running. We still have the other computer, but we need a desk and a new mouse. The mouse won't click, and the desk is back in Michigan. (There were quite a few things we just couldn't fit in the truck.)

Since my last post, we've had good times and bad times. Maybe I should get the bad news out of the way. Our car was majorly messed up. First there was some problem with something attached to the axel. (Cars are beyond me...) Then we had a problem with the brakes. They tried to fix it, but the parts were all rusted, and everything just crumbled and fell off! That cost over $400.

Savannah's birthday was on July 30th. We invited a whole bunch of people. Everyone canceled except for Liz. Thanks so much for coming, Liz! That, and it was raining the whole time. So much for a pool party. But Savannah thanked us for giving her the best birthday party ever. I love that kid!

Last Monday, I got pulled over for speeding. The speed limit changed from 40 MPH to 30 MPH along Broadway, unbeknown to me, and I got pulled over soon after for going 43. And little did I know, my Michigan license was suspended for an unpaid ticket I got up there, right before we moved. (You can read about that here.) Yes, my mail from Michigan is forwarded. No, I got no notice of this suspension. The car's registration had expired on July 1st, only a month before we were stopped. I was expecting to get arrested. I wasn't (thank goodness!), but the car was impounded. So we've been without a car for another five days. One way or another, we always seem to be denied it's usage. We walked down to the DMV a few days ago. We came back hot and exhausted. Walking four miles in this heat is not fun! Nikki got the car registered, and as I type this, she's going to get it out of the impound. I just paid the Michigan ticket online, to the tune of $598. Nikki is paying the impound and the tow trucking company now. Just the taxi fare for going back and forth will be over $100. We're not made of money. In fact, we barely have enough to survive. I just don't know how much more we can take until we end up on the street or something.

I haven't gotten a job yet, but Nikki has. She's going to be a teacher aide, working one on one with some problematic child that they have there. Hopefully he won't be violent. She's really disappointed, since she wants her own classroom. After attending college for six years in New York, and substituting for three years in Michigan... well, I think she's done enough, and she should be allowed to teach now.

Reliving all the bad events above has made me quite incapable of writing about any good times. They were there, believe me. It just seems hard to believe that more good times will be coming, not with the cards stacked against us everywhere we turn. I don't want to end on a bad note, so here are a few pics from the Tucson Botanical Gardens. We had a good time there, and there were many interesting things to see.

"Mama, how do you get this thing out of first gear?"

This is a pineapple cactus, so named because of the little pineapple-shaped fruits that appear on top during the hot summer months. I found out that they're sweet and safe to eat, now I just need to try one.

It was very hot out, so hey this is one way to cool down.  ;)

"Honey, it's got me!!!"

It's us, the "Bad Luck Gang." At least we're all beautiful, huh?

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