"Mom" (Blast From the Past Entry)

Wow, I miss my great-grandma. This was a MySpace blog which was open to all readers.

I'm trying to formulate another present-day entry. Nikki and I are having a problem which I don't want to discuss here. It has to do with trust issues. I'm naturally paranoid, so when something comes along to spark that... well, I don't get over it easy. That's extremely vague, but a few people reading this may figure out what I'm referring to anyway. Others, well... sorry. It is a private matter, but it has me late with replying to emails, and lacking of spirit for new blog entries. We'll figure it out... of that I am confident. It'll just take a little time.








Friday, May 05, 2006
----------------------

Current mood: nostalgic

My great-grandmother passed away last Sunday evening, April 30th, 2006. I really miss her a lot, but she lived a very long and full life, and was very active for someone her age, at least until the last few months. We all called her Mom. Let me tell you a bit about her.

Mom was born on June 3rd, 1906. Yes, she would have been 100 years old next month! She was born in Germany, and I inherited my German heritage from her. Mom came over to America by boat with her parents, when she was a little girl. They lived in Astoria, Queens (New York) for many years. When Mom met her husband (who died before I was born), they opened a very successful deli/convenience store. This set them up very nicely to retire in their later years.

They got a second house in Bay Shore, New York... right on the bay. They also bought a summer home in upstate New York. We visited them there quite a few times, and I remember riding my bike down that long winding road (it was the only road in that area)... as well as boating in the lake nearby... and watching the bats at night (I love bats!). Mom's husband's good friend also moved in with them at some point. They had two beagles, Salt and Pepper (long before the band, hehe), and they hunted with those dogs (which I could forgive, since they hunted for food, not for mere sport), caught fish, went clamming, and caught other things like eel (it's goooood!) and crab (yumm!). I have many fond memories of riding their houseboat, helping them steer the boat, and fishing. I never once got seasick (I guess I'm immune?). The only activity I refused to take part in was cleaning the fish or crabs. Yuck! Anyway, I just figured I'd let you all know how great a woman my great-grandmother was. I'm glad she got a chance to meet my daughter and spend time with her. Just think, how many little girls get to meet their great-great-grandmother?!?

Wilfrieda Hruby
June 3rd, 1906 - April 30th, 2006
Rest in Peace


Currently listening:
My Story
By Ayumi Hamasaki
Release date: 05 January, 2005

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Stuff ;) (Blast From the Past Entry)

A day went by without me posting a blog entry! That hasn't happened for over a month. Well, here's another old MySpace blog, in which I finally figured out how to post an entry to a select list of people. The reason I didn't post this publicly at the time, is because I wasn't out to all my friends yet, and I was also looking for someone. I preferred to let the certain someone know all about me via a private conversation, not from them reading my blog.

A few updates here: I didn't end up having my name changed and such until June of 2007. I still haven't had SRS/GRS/what-have-you. Thailand still makes me nervous, but as it's the cheapest way to go, I think I'll have to be going there for the surgery. You'll notice that even back in 2006, I was begging for donations! My family has basically abandoned me (at least for the time being), with the exception of two cousins and a grandma. I haven't spoken to Brittany for a year and a half.

Oh, and I still laugh when reading the little story at the end!



Sunday, March 26, 2006
--------------------------

Current mood: peaceful

*** PRIVATE ENTRY ***

Welcome to my private blog! If you can read this, either MySpace screwed up (thus screwing me in the process), or you have been added to my private list of people who know a certain something about me (mainly that I'm a transsexual...although I do hate that word, for there is nothing "sexual" about it). In the private entries, I'll be chatting about anything going on in my life (or in my head) that have to do with the fact that I'm transgendered. In case you don't already know, this is not a big dark secret in my life...in fact, I'll be telling a lot of people about me soon (more on that next). But I don't feel that it's everyone's business of what I have between my legs (for the time being). I enjoy the simple act of choosing to tell who I wish. The only people that I am nervous about telling this to, are those who I am interested in. It seems no matter how casual things are, if I like her, I have trouble just saying, "I'm a transsexual." Hopefully this will improve over time.

Some general goings-on in my life for those who don't know: I have been on hormones for 2.5 years (can't ya tell?). These medicines are: Estradiol (estrogen), Spironolactone (testosterone blocker), and Proscar (DHT blocker...DHT causes baldness in men). I'm growing my hair out, and I think it looks pretty good. I've had 40 hours of electrolysis so far, with many hours to come. Yes, it hurts like a son of a bitch! I'm going to a therapist who specializes in GID (gender identity disorder). In either August or September, I'll be transitioning to live as a woman full-time. I can't wait! Not only will I be me 24/7 (free!!!), but my name will be legally changed to Amy, my license will have the "F" rather than the "M," and naturally, everyone at work will know. I don't look forward to telling my relatives or my ex. My relatives are very old-fashioned, and they may not want to see me again, but I'm hoping for the best. As for my ex, she does not understand anything, and thinks that gays and lesbians are mentally disturbed and sinners against God. She is also difficult with just about anything that has to do with me. Brittany is only five, and she views things as a lot of kids view them...simply. She tells me that I'm a girl, but naturally, my ex tells her otherwise. My ex doesn't know that I'm a transsexual, only that I like to wear women's clothes and makeup sometimes. I am pretty damn sure that my efforts to help Brittany understand that her father is really a woman, will be constantly undermined by my ex. I will try my best...but I really do not see any good solution out of this one. This will be the hardest aspect of my transition, and I wish I could spare Brittany this confusion. About two years (maybe less) down the road, I plan to have my SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery)...making my anatomy match the way that I am inside. I must live as a woman for one complete year before having this operation, but the hardest part will be coming up with the money. Unless I go to Thailand (which would scare the shit out of me), I will be paying $15,000 or more for the surgery. Can any of you spare a dime...or maybe a bunch of them? LOL!

In closing, I would like to relate a funny story. I was at my second job yesterday, and someone else at work followed my friend, Andrea, outside when she went to her car. (I told Andrea about me last month, and she was very cool about it. She's a great friend.) He asked Andrea if I was a man or a woman. I confided in her, so naturally, she said that I am a man. He said, "Well, he has boobs." "Really? I never noticed." "How can you not notice?" "I don't usually look there when I look at him. Hey, why are YOU looking there?" He just laughed. There was a pause, and then he said, "He's not turning transsexual on us, is he?" She said, "I don't know." She told me this in an email before I left work, and I was forcing back the laughter. She was a little surprised that I wasn't upset or nervous about the whole thing. I just find it so funny. I love myself and I am greatly enjoying the journey that I am on (although there have been many times that I just hate being trans!), and I am at the point where I just find such things amusing at best. My real reaction to this comes in two parts:

1) I guess people at work aren't going to be that surprised after all! and...

2) These sports bras don't hide as much as I thought they did.

My "special readers," please feel free to leave comments as you desire, or just send me a message. Once I tell someone about this, I'm very open about it, so if you have any questions, please ask! It's the best way to learn. :)

Currently reading:
Dalamar the Dark (Dragonlance Classics, Vol. 2)
By Nancy Varian Berberick
Release date: 01 January, 2000

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Sephora's Sale up to 75%!

[ Young Berg ft. Rockstar - Lets Make Music ]

wudduppp my bloggers! so i got an email today from SEPHORA stating they're having a sale UP TO 75% on selected items! so be sure to check it out! we all know Sephora stuff aint cheap, and i rarely buy anythaaang from them cuz of that esp. in this economy Jobless and shit. so full-time jobless students like me hop on shit like 75% off sales only! dont get me wrong, they got some good stuff; but i dont mind waiting for opportunities like these. hehe. so take 5 minutes and just check it out! incase they got something u NEEDED and WANTED for a while; and its actually on sale! i've been kinna eyeballing their Too Faced Smurf LE palette, but it was waaay outta price range i was willing to throw paperrrr for, namean? but its on sale! for a whopping $17 basically, original price was $32.50! so i had to hop on it + they give u 3 FREE SAMPLES FOR EVERY PURCHASE! not too shabby (: Let me know wutchall finna get if u do get somethin! (: but until next blog. take care ya'll! *DEUCE DEUCE*


- LOVEVA<3

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My Emptiness (Blast From the Past Entry)

We're racing back in time at the speed of light, to another one of my old MySpace blogs. Here we have a poem that I had written, which I actually liked enough to let others see. Once again (as in a previous entry), I refer to someone who I had just met, who I had high hopes for. Once again, she didn't pan out, but that's quite okay, as I met Nikki eight months later. I hope you like the poem.


Tuesday, March 07, 2006
--------------------------

Current mood: hopeful

Wow...I wrote this about two months ago. Pretty damn depressing if I do say so myself. And yes, I did feel this way. By no means am I schooled in poetry, but I think this might be kinda good. Let me know what you think, please? :) On a personal note, I am kind of hopeful that what I described in this poem may be over for me...at least for awhile. Saying that may be a bit premature, but one can always hope, right? Then again, I am always second-guessing myself. I hope, but then I get afraid of even hoping. I am being intentionally vague here, but there are some of you who may know what I'm talking about.

My Emptiness
------------

Alone I stand
In this darkness
My emptiness
My void absolute

My tears fall
With nobody to witness
My cries ring out
Yet I stand here mute

The feelings within me
Shall never find release
The love I have inside
I'm not able to unleash

My blessing, my curse
My neverending thirst
I try to heal my soul
From this gaping hole

Release me from this loneliness
Take me from this empty fate
I pray I will be found
In my darkness, I shall wait

Alone I stand
In this darkness
My emptiness
My void absolute

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Amy and The Island of Misfit Toys

I'm sure many of you have seen this old film, "Rudolph and The Island of Misfit Toys." I love this movie, and I've often likened myself to those poor cast-off toys. Like the Misfit Toys, transgendered folk just don't fit in. "We may be different from the rest, but who decides the test of what is really best?"

I wouldn't want to be stuck on an island somewhere with only other transsexuals or something. It's not that there's anything wrong with their company (I'm one of them, after all), but I want to be out in the world. I want to fit in somehow. For most transsexuals, the way they fit in is to go stealth. They'll do almost anything to prevent their big secret from coming out. And I don't blame them.

Others stay entrenched in their original persona that they built around themselves. The persona that fits with their physical sex. They'll let their real self out at home, or at tg-friendly gatherings or events. I don't blame them either. I lived that way for about 20 years, give or take.

I've moved off of that "island" quite awhile ago. It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. That said, I'm proud to be a "Misfit Toy." I have one more thing to say:

We're a couple of misfits

We're a couple of misfits

What's the matter with misfits

That's where we fit in.

We're not daffy and dilly

Don't go 'round willy nilly

Seems to us kinda silly

That we don't fit in.

We may be different from the rest

Who decides the test

Of what is really best?

We're a couple of misfits
We're a couple of misfits
What's the matter with misfits
That's where we fit in.

Why am I such a misfit?

I am not just a nit wit!

I'm an adorable (?) reindeer

Why don't I fit in?

Why am I such a misfit?

I am not just a nit wit!

They can't fire me, I quit!

Seems I don't fit in.

We may be different from the rest

Who decides the test

Of what is really best?

We're a couple of misfits

We're a couple of misfits

What's the matter with misfits

That's where we fit in.

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its been a HOT minute...

[ Jeremih - I'm a star ]

ayomayo!
its been a HOT *sizzle sizzle* one, i know riiiight? but i HAVE been on twitter, if ya'll aint followin me yet; get crackinnn! if u wanna know wutsup with me that is. u dont HAVE to. lol. but yea, school BEEN started for like passed 3 or so weeks now, and its been kickin my cheeks like crazyyy. i still be struggling with that ONE 8am class! arghhh! damnnn, why i chose to take chinese characters for?!?! what was i thinkin??? what was i smokin?!?! i need some MO of that shiiiiiz. so lets start off with i went and got my highlights touched up, heres me under the steamer in foils; u can call me FOILHEAD to the rescuuuuue!!! *DUN DUN DUN*so now i look fresshhhh. hehe (: and yes, i am happy with my results. i like my stylist; she's so chill. she was choppin it up with me like it aint NATHAN, we was talkin bout her kids; my guatemalan boyfriend. how it was when she was a kid; and the old wars. prettyyyyy interesting, i was entertained being in her chair. hehe. i didnt need no magazines to wake my ass up. i was superrr tiiired too! hah. but alriiight, so how was everybody's LABOR DAY weekend? mine was pretty koo & chill. got a little fcuked up Friday night. hahah. i was buzzinnnnnn which led to ----> K.O.! heres me&alexis finna knock the fcuk outtt!! been a while since i drannnk, im suuuuch a lightweight. F.Y.I. i HAAAATE BEEEEEER. which btw we playyyed beer pong -_-*
i never playyyed it; and i didnt suck THAT bad (for a noob) eugh. on the reals in this pic, i was READY to make some love in this club; haahh.... can't lie. so i went to SANTA CRUZ BEACH BOARDWALK Sunday with the babe Juls & homie Alex, tried to get some color on this pale skin. so here we are on the way, had to make a pit stop real quick to get somethin. duuude, this makeup was like 24hours! cuz the night before we headed out to santa cruz we went to Jackson Rancheria Casino, i came up $50! (: haha; makeup still pretty much intact, but blush is gooooone fashoooo. quick flick!
(fyi: all these pictures in this blog are from my fone, HENCE: no watermarks. lol) so yea, we tried to get tan; but it was NOT happening,
DONT MIND my tatas. lol. they cant help but come out and get some color on'em mang. can u blame me??? shiiiiet. if u have it; flaunt it! cuz we got there like hella late :( we arrived round 4ish pm! sun was out; but wind was blowing like crazy. i was startin to get cold after the first hour of being on the beach!!!! boooo!!! sucked balls! moving on...yesterday i stopped by DOLLAR TREE and bought like $15 worth of Halloween decorations and shiiiiiit, im excited. i LOOVE LOOVE LOOOOOOOOOOVE HALLOWEEN if ya'll dont know. its my FAVORITEST HOLIDAY, yes it BEATS Christmas to me! iono why i love it sooo much; when im such a wuss when it comes to horror/scary films. hahahaha.... but oh wells. that dont mean i cant love it :P i wonder wut i should be for halloweeeeen this year??? i was a SOMEWHAT SEXY CORPSE BRIDE last year? lol.... how bout this year?? any suggestions yo???? i wanna show some skiiinnnnn mang! maybe get crunk just like friday again! WHOOOOT WHOOOOOOOT! so thats all i got for updates for now ya'll. so DO try to follow me on twitter if u miss me like craaaaze up in this bitch. i'm on that thang like 24/7 on the reals. its sooo fcukin easy to update on that thang. thats why i've been hella lazy with my blogs. but imma try to keep up with the blog game tho. I PROMISE! :) so until next time! i shall blog then! love u guys! OH BTW! i reached 1,045 subbies on my YOUTUBE CHANNEL!!! keep them coming ya'll!!! i REALLY APPRECIATE THE LOVE; that THAT MANY ppl actually take the time and tune into my channel mang. crazyyyy. makes me feel honored! *takes a small bow* hehehe. i LOVE YA'LLL!!! before i go... i finally got to use my Essie - Matte About You topcoat ontop of China Glaze - Frostbite (dont mind the messyness, i always do it messy so i can get every corner). i give the topcoat a 4/5. the only con i have is that it doesnt HARDEN fast enough; easily dented. but dries pretty quick. hehe. *DEUCES*


- LOVEVA<3

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Lots of Happenings Happening (Blast From the Past Entry)

This pic is supposed to be of me in a box or something. Silly, no?

We're now caught up to 2006. Still no mention of any transsexual topics here, since many on my friend list had no idea I was one. The trip I mentioned below turned out okay, although I ended up driving south through Washington DC and ended up on the same road I needed to head east on... two hours away. It ended up being a 13-hour drive. I got stopped by a policeman 30 minutes from the motel. When he went back to his car to check my license and such, I panicked because I felt like the car was still moving! Anyway, I got a ticket and mailed in the payment. Can you imagine if I had to show up in court?

And the "certain someone" that I pointed out below? That didn't pan out. She was my first date in four years, but she was full of... ummm... malarkie. That's right, full of malarkie. What the hell is "malarkie" anyway? But I digress. I sort of met my fiancee, Nikki, because of this girl, so I don't regret meeting her or any of that stuff. :P

You can also my see my addiction to DragonLance novels at the end.



Friday, March 03, 2006
------------------------

Current mood: Too many to list

As some people may have noticed, I don't post a lot of blogs. Well, there really hasn't been a whole hell of a lot going on...until now. Christmas was nice, New Years was nice,I didn't have anyone to share Valentine's Day with, so that was kind of a bust. Everything else has been pretty much the same old same old. Working, eating, sleeping, reading, meeting some cool people on this site, and not much else besides that. But now I have news. First, the bad news, then the so-so news, then good news...

First and foremost, Brad (Sena on my friends list) is leaving. Brad and Nessa split up some time ago, yet remained very close friends. Nessa has been going through other heartaches and problems lately, and now he is going back to Pennsylvania on top of that. But I realize that he must go his own way and do what's right for him. I will miss him dearly. He will be leaving tomorrow while I am at work. Tonight I am buying him and Nessa dinner...whatever his tummy desires. I will be watching over Nessa and doing my utmost to insure that she's okay. I will always consider Brad to be a dear friend and wonderful person. My fondest wishes go out to him, and I will be keeping in touch, of course. I hope that he finds happiness and contentness where he is going. I miss him already.

Secondly, I will be driving down to North Carolina a week from today, to see my daughter. I haven't seen her since Christmas. Her dumb-ass mom got knocked up for the second time by a man who lives in another state from her. She is due to have this baby soon, so she is unable to drive my daughter up like she has been. It seems very probable that I will be driving down there in May as well. I have never driven this far or this long before. I was told that it would take about 9 hours without stopping. Well, I imagine I'll have to use the bathroom, eat, stretch my legs, etc...so it may take slightly longer. And if I get lost...ugh, I don't even want to think about that! I am looking forward to seeing my little one, of course...but I'm dreading all that driving into unfamiliar lands.

Lastly, I want to say HELLO HELLO! to all the wonderful new friends that I have met on this site. :) I have met some truly cool and interesting people here, and I am so glad that I got to know you all. A special hello goes out to this one certain someone. Maybe you know who you are. I am very glad we met. :)

I have no idea what to make my "current mood" icon. Worried, sad, happy, excited, contemplative, nervous, hopeful...? I guess "other" works.

Currently reading:
Fistandantilus Reborn (Dragonlance Lost Legends, Vol. 2)
By Douglas Niles
Release date: 01 July, 1997

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Look at All the People...!

I've successfully had my Estradiol (estrogen) dose increased from 2 mg a day to 8 mg! Hoorah! I seriously doubted that the state-funded program I'm on would allow this dose, which is why I put off increasing it to what it used to be in NY. You see, I was without insurance for almost a year after moving out here (from September 2007 to June 2008), until I found out about a prescription program, which had no fee to sign up! I only pay a $5 copay for doctor visits and prescriptions. Here is what my magic pill looks like:

Woah, just look at all these people.

At the time of this writing, I have 24 followers on Google Friend Connect, and 24 followers on Facebook (I love that Networked Blogs app!). I also have 20-something people who've subscribed to my feed. I've met so many fascinating peeps on Blogger and Facebook, and Facebook has also enabled me to get back in touch with some people I knew in high school. Some tormented me back then, and some didn't. However, I've received only friendly and supportive words.

One person in particular was very supportive. I received a donation yesterday via my PalPal button. I seriously doubted anybody would be clicking that button. This person will remain anonymous (unless they don't want to), but they have my everlasting thanks and appreciation. I'm nowhere near the amount I need for GRS, so the button will be there for awhile still. Ahem. ;)

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