Wow, I remember this time. This was right before I first had acrylic nails. Oh my goodness, I fell in love! Ha ha! Seriously though, for folks like me, there comes a time when dysphoria gets to be too strong, and one really doesn't want to fight it anymore. I've been reading about a few others that are going through a time similar to this (Hi, Lisa!). I was fortunate in that my environment was a relatively friendly one in which to slowly break down those barriers. I didn't come out at my workplace until April. They basically wondered what was up with me for three months, maybe more.
(The first picture is of Savannah and I, from Spring, 2007. The picture of the leather coat below looks very much like my coat. The rest of the pics are just for fun.)
Friday, January 12, 2007
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Current mood: mischievous
It's been four years. Four long years since I realized, "Hey, I'm a transsexual, and I can do something about this. I can actually live my life the way I want to." I've been patient. I started therapy in spring of 2003, and I started hormones in July of 2003. I was at a dead-end job, and I realized that the only way I could stand on my own two feet and do this, was to get into a better career. So I went to school for 10 months. 5 hours a day with a one-hour commute, and I continued working full-time on the graveyard shift. All so I could be free to look and act the way I feel inside. I wouldn't have been so determined if it wasn't for that.
Now I've been waiting for this divorce to come through. I want everything to be finalized before I do this, since Brittany's mom will probably try to take her away from me. Earlier this week, I found out that she finally signed, notarized, and mailed the papers. Her lawyer has them. Yay! Now all they have to do is send them to me to get signed and notarized. I send them back, and they forward them on to the court so they can do their thing.
In the meantime, I've really been pushing it. I've been patient for so long, but the walls of my little cage are starting to crack. I know what my life could be like once I make the change, and I want it now! I've been leaving my hair down. I usually brush it back behind my ears, but I've been just letting it fall lately. Okay, more than "letting it fall." I've actually been styling it that way. I know that may not seem like a big deal, but people have noticed. Hair makes a big difference in so many ways.
Last week, I couldn't find my winter coat after the move, so I wore my women's leather coat to work. I've had that for a year and I've never worn it to work.
I've been braver with the lipgloss. I've always worn it, but now I'm wearing more noticeable shades and just putting more on. I've been wearing my women's sneakers on "casual Friday" and I've been wearing tighter shirts that really don't hide the chest area well at all (hehe!).
Just before, Pam (one of my co-workers) wanted to know if she could ask me a personal question. She asked me if I was wearing lipstick. I told her it was gloss. Ha ha! I must have been beet red!
My nails have been peeling. They weren't that bad, but I noticed yesterday that my thumbnail had peeled all the way down into the part of the nail that's on my finger. I bumped it into something later on, and it almost cracked off! I had been planning on getting my nails done at a salon. That's something I've never done before. Nikki and I almost both got our nails done, but we didn't make it in time. On Sunday, we're going back, and I'm going to get short acrylic nails to protect my real nails. I'm going to start taking calcium pills too. The real fun part is... I'm wearing the nails to work, of course!
I am here, but not fully realized. I am alive, and I am me, but I am in silhouette. Soon, a picture will form in the silhouette. People will actually be able to see me, as I am. On my face will be a smile. The smile of self-realization. The smile of satisfaction. A smile that comes from a simple thing that so many take for granted (and why wouldn't they?): The comfort and pleasure of being able to express myself as the gender that I really am.
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