Impatient (Blast From the Past Entry)

I didn't know it at the time, but this was due in part to some gender dysphoria rearing it's ugly head. Read on...



February 13th, 2003
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Happy-O-Meter: 6.5 out of 10

Why?

I'm feeling impatient. I'm at work right now, and I wish I could just tell people about my crossdressing/transsexuality and get it over with. I think some people here (particularly Daria and Helen) would be supportive, or at least accepting. I feel I want to tell them. I just have a feeling that if I showed them a picture of me in my purple dress from the Winter Ball, they would be all like, "Oh my God, you look so beautiful!" They both are really easygoing and positive people, so maybe they would react that way...?

I believe they would keep my secret in good confidence, but would they really accept me? Or would they want nothing to do with me? Yet why do I want to tell them? What would I gain? Acceptance and/or understanding from a "regular" person, I suppose. ("Regular" meaning not another crossdresser or transsexual.) I'm also wondering about telling my friend, Chris. He dressed up as a girl for Halloween some years back, but does that mean he'll understand? I wish there was some way for me to know they are accepting of people who crossdress, before I tell them.

What would I stand to lose? Their friendship and acceptance of me. So do I take the chance and risk losing them as a friend, or do I remain silent and keep wondering? I just feel like I'm so tired of this secret. It's a weight on my shoulders.

Also, I miss going out as Amy. It's been two-and-a-half weeks since I last went out, and was to the therapist, and to run some errands before and after. I have a formal dinner/dance to go to on Sunday (February 16th), and I wish it would hurry up and be Sunday already.

So I'm feeling impatient. I want to tell people and get it over with, I want to go out as Amy again, I want to get my facial hair totally removed and my birthmark gone. I realize I should try to be patient, but the moment, I'm finding that difficult.