Jealousy and Insecurity. Grudges and Misinformation.

You know, I wasn't going to say anything, but this is getting ridiculous. No sooner do I get rid of one of one toxic person (my ex-girlfriend, turned friend, turned frienemy, I suppose), but now the other one is rearing it's head again. Now they're writing actual blogs about how "abusive" and "violent" I am.

I know I'm not a horrible person. I know that me and my girlfriend's relationship is not up for judging. I'm really not interested in these people's opinions, but now it's up on Blogger and Facebook, and who knows where else? Any mutual friends are bound to come across this misinformation, and perhaps buy into it. These posts are exaggerated, with facts changed, removed, or completely fabricated. What I've written in my blog the last few months is the truth. The absolute, honest truth. I wouldn't write anything here if it wasn't true. It's just not worth spreading lies all over.

I feel like I'm dealing with a bunch of kindergartners. Are they jealous? Insecure? Just plain old psychotic? Do they envy my life so much that they have to try to tear it apart?

My ex is still going on about things that happened during our relationship. This was 14 - 17 years ago. I can barely remember half the things she talks about. She's writing about me asking if I could use a coupon of hers to buy lipstick. It upset her so much in 1994 (yes, 1994!) that she writes about it now. Yes, I was in the role of her boyfriend at the time, and yes, having someone in that role be interested in lipstick can be confusing and upsetting, but hello... 17 years. Should I expect some sort of communique in the year 2050? "How dare you ask for the lipstick coupon?" By then, I'll be lucky to know my own name, much less what lipstick is, or what a coupon is.

No, I don't owe anybody anything. Sure, I am thankful for what people have done in the past for me, but I define me. I could've made it on my own, with a tiny room and all my stuff crammed into it. I'd still be me. I don't owe my life in my current gender to anyone. It was, and still is, my journey.

No, I didn't stomp off and leave my fiancee and four-year-old daughter in a bad neighborhood. Rather, my fiancee stopped following me (in a quiet neighborhood community) and decided to walk back to the car. She was the one having the "fit" at the time, and I'd forgotten all about the incident until this "friend" wrote about it the other day. We walked for a few more minutes, did what we were there to do (geocaching), and then walked back to the car. Nobody knew that Nikki wouldn't be able to find the car. I stayed by the car with Savannah, in case she came back, while my friend (who was there for all this and now writes it differently) drove off to look for her. My friend was with us, and did not go with Nikki when she turned around and walked the other way. But I am filth for not running after her. Riiiighhht...

I never told Nikki to take off work so I could go to court. The engagement ring that Nikki bought me was not even close to $2,000 like my ex claimed. Not even close to half that. We don't have that kind of money. I do not "guilt" people into doing things. I don't push buttons. Why not think that perhaps I was feeling real emotions, and not acting out fake ones? If I'm upset, I act it. I have a hard time hiding that. If I'm fine, I don't "act upset." I'm not a good actor. So if there's an upsetting conversation in a public place, I might get up and walk a few feet away to compose myself. Nobody was "abused" by my getting up and walking a few feet away.

I have not written a violent or abusive letter to my former friend, nor have I written anything like that in my blog. I mean, really, that's here for everyone to see. Yes, I am Wiccan, and yes, it is a peaceful religion. I'm a peaceful person. I'm not doing anything to harm anybody. All I'm doing is speaking the true facts on my blog, and my feelings about them. What I feel is frustration, anger, resentment, and sadness. It's okay for Wiccans to feel this. It's okay for Wiccans to express this. There is no slander involved, because everything I wrote (and continue to write) here is true. So puh-leese keep my religion out of this. Thank you.

I am in no way "innocent" or "perfect." I'll never say that I am such things. I would never want to be perfect, and only children and animals should ever be thought of as innocent.

My ex keeps trying to say I'm a bad parent because I can't afford to hire a lawyer and travel to North Carolina to appear in court. (My daughter's mother won't let me have visitation, though she was court-ordered to do so many years back.) I'm unemployed. How am I supposed to come up with that kind of money? I miss her so much. Maybe the bad parent is the one that won't let me speak to my daughter on the phone.

She also says that I think with my yet-to-be-corrected sex organ. How dense. She urges me to get GRS so that I can act more like a woman. First of all, it's an insult to say that I think or act anything like a man. Secondly, one does not "think" with their private parts. The general public won't see any difference in my behavior from pre-op to post-op. What most everybody sees is me. How many people get to see what kind of sex organ you have? Other than a lover or a doctor, usually none. What she said is at the height of closed-mindedness.

If they really believe some of these things, then reality and their recollection of things (such as it is) are at odds with each other. It's like reading The Enquirer. The facts presented have very little basis on reality. You both would like to think that what you're saying is having an effect on me, but I can see right through you.

Two grudges. One is about things that happened 14 - 17 years ago. Another is someone talking about things that happened months ago, and that Nikki and I have already worked out. Why is it that Nikki and I are over this crap, and this person holds a grudge about it? It didn't happen to her and it's not her relationship. Hello? Bueller?

Like I said, I am a peaceful person, and a loving one. However, some I just can't find love for, due to their actions. That said, I wish them no ill will, and I hope they find true happiness in life. Then perhaps they'll stop worrying so much about my life, and go about living their own.