Clarity

I'm feeling a bit better today. Nikki and I had a big argument last night, but then we started to see eye to eye a bit more. We both did wrong, and we need to work on things. It's a long hard road towards trusting each other again. I'm still a bit anxious and uncertain over what the next few days (or weeks) will bring. I'll try to ride this storm out as best I can, and see where I end up when it's abated.

I contacted a mental health service to get into therapy. I've been needing it since we left Michigan (end of May). The only problem is that Nikki's therapist told her that she is the only one available, or so she thinks. I hope not. I talked to her for two or three minutes and already didn't like her style. Nikki told me that she doesn't even understand lesbian issues, so I can only imagine the kind of therapy I'd get there. My intake appointment is at a different location than where Nikki goes to therapy, so maybe I'll also have therapy at that location, which could mean, ta-da! Different therapist. I've also heard it's a bad idea for a therapist to have two separate patients who are partners. Conflict of interest and all that.

So, right now, I feel okay. When Nikki comes home later, hopefully that will continue.

I'll mention one other thing in this entry. I've been agnostic for all my life. For as far back as I can remember, I've been skeptical of the existence of God. I went to church and Sunday School from very young, until about 10 years old. My mother is not a firm believer, and my father doesn't seem to care one way or another. But for the last ten or fifteen years, I've had an interest in Wicca. I've just never done anything about it. The interest was just... there. I didn't know any friends who believed in it, and I didn't have the motivation to try to get involved in this religion. I did some reading up at one point, and learned that while there are "spells," no, it's not the kind of witchcraft like you'd see in Harry Potter or The Craft. I wouldn't have believed that anyway. Many people still think Wiccans are evil. The Threefold Law and the edict of "harm none" would definitely preclude that. The whole aspect of worshiping nature appeals to me, as well as there being a Goddess as well as a God. It just makes sense to me.

Babbling aside, there are some introductory classes that I plan on taking soon. They cost nothing, as it is wrong to charge for religion. Blessed be! So that's something to look forward to. Until then, I have more reading to do, more learning.

It's good to focus on positive things. Negative things can't be simply ignored. One should deal with them in the best way possible, whether through therapy, prayer, or talks with friends. The outward negativity can often be banished, but like a sickness, it can spread through your thoughts, and thereby your deeds. You must banish it from within as well. And that's what I'm going to do.