Emotional Rollercoaster

My day has been quite hellish, culminating in a talk with my mother a few hours ago. I haven't spoken to her in over a year. I should start at the beginning, so...

My regular readers will know that Nikki broke a rib about five weeks ago. Because of that and a few other things, we've fallen two months behind on our rent. I mentioned in my next-to-last post that we have an eviction notice dated March 5th. Yes, that's tomorrow.

We applied for State Emergency Relief (SER), and the worker said she didn't think it would go through, but she would try anyway. I called this Community Action Center, but they said they needed the denial letter from SER in order to help us. Which would arrive by mail. Sooner or later.

I'm actually struggling to make it through this entry. I feel like I don't have the energy.

So we cried, and held each other. Nikki called her father, and he said he could take the kids into his home if we lost the apartment, but he'd have to think about taking Nikki in. His own daughter! And then she called her sister, who yelled at her. She even called her ex, who was too busy painting his brother's apartment to care for a minute what happens to the kids.

I started looking up churches and charities in our county. I have a stack of papers all printed out and ready to call tomorrow morning. Nikki asked me something that I was trying not to think about. Calling my parents (namely my mother, who seems to be the only one who answers the phone). I called and left a message, explaining our situation, and that she didn't have to help us, that I would understand.

I got a call back about 15 minutes later.

To make a long story short, my mother said she would help us. My parents would send the full amount, which is well over $1000, by express mail, which should arrive on Friday. D Day.

To make a long story, uhhh... not so short, my mother started by reprimanding me for sending out the Christmas cards with the family photo (see this entry). She kept saying that I was putting everyone in an uncomfortable position, and they didn't know how to act. I told her that I sent them a card. They could act any way they wanted to, and I wouldn't have seen it. She did seem to concede that fact. It's not like I called them and said, "How do you like my new name?" That would be beyond awkward.

She also seems to think that while I understand and accept what I'm doing, the rest of the world does not. Hmmm, well I guess you good readers don't live on this planet then. Well, who needs it anyway?

So I pointed out to her that that just wasn't true. She asked me who would accept this? I told her, "My grandmother, and my cousins Deanna and Candice." She said, "Oh thanks, really nice!" I replied, "Hey, you asked, and they are fine with me, and we keep in touch." She then proceeded to rationalize (ala denial) that my grandma just wants everything to be hunky-dory, and my cousins want to use me as leverage with their family problems. That just made no sense to me at all, so I didn't even go there. Especially the part about my cousins... I mean, leverage? How?

I told her that I didn't want to make everyone upset, but I want to keep in touch with my family. I mean, how long will it take for them to want to talk to me again? Forever? So yes, I said all that, and my mother seemed to soften then. She told me not to send any more photos, and to sign the cards with my "real name," as she put it. (Yes, she knows I had my name changed.)  I might cool it with the photos for a year or two, but the second bit of advice is a no-go. Not only can I not stand anyone calling me by that name (and I've stopped telling people what my former name was quite awhile ago), but to send a letter or card signed in such a way, would only confuse the issue. I can just hear it now:

"Doesn't he know who he is?"
"Why can't he... or she... make up her, uhh his mind?"
"Did he change his name back now?"
"He or she doesn't really know what they're doing and who they want to be!"

Nope. Not doing it. But I didn't tell my mother that. I just "yessed" her to death. There was no point in deliberating any further. To her credit, my mother wasn't overly mean, and she was actually understanding when it came to our money and rent situation. But as far as anything having to do with my "change," so to speak: "How could you do this to everyone?" Same song as the one she sang back in 2003, when I told my parents I'm a transsexual. She sang that song a few more times between then and now. Time to learn a new tune, ma.

What's most important to me now is Nikki and the kids. I can't imagine my life without Nikki. It scares the hell out of me. I've been forced to consider it lately, and that doesn't put me in a good frame of mind. We've been growing closer and closer since last Summer. I'm not sure why, we just have. Maybe the joint therapy sessions really helped. Nikki has been fighting it, which is something she admitted a week or so ago. That explains the fights and the mood-changes. She doesn't want to fight it anymore. It hurts both of us. She's just scared. But who could blame her? She's had such a rough life, from an abusive mother to an abusive ex, and the rest of a family who really seems to care about nobody but themselves.

But I can't help any of that. All I can do is be her present, and her future. All I can do is love her now, and for all my days to come.

And oh, do I.