Flying Without a Net

Nikki will probably be getting a second job soon. She's already applied, and her prospective employer is calling her references. She's doing this because her main job (working as a substitute teacher) is basically a part-time one, since she has to opt out of so many days, due to having to take the kids to the dentist, doctor, what-have-you, plus there's my appointments every once in awhile, as well as hers. I wish I could get a job, but being transgendered doesn't help, I believe. Nikki also wants to take college courses at night to get her certification in special education. She'd not be working the night job at this time. However...

The one aspect of this that fills me with dread at times is this: I'd be watching the kids solo. Several nights a week. Without a net.

I love them all dearly, but I've only known them for three years. Each one is a handful, in their own special little way (ha ha!).

The oldest one, Sarah, is especially hard to deal with when she has one of her episodes. She's on three different psych meds and she suffers from anxiety and occasional depression. She gets into these temper tantrums where she throws things around, tries to leave the house, and screams the same sentence over and over for at least a half hour straight. It drives me nuts. The last few times I've exploded and said some mean things to her out of anger and frustration. I didn't help the situation.

My anxiety over this might seem ridiculous to some of you, but I don't have that much experience raising kids. Brittany (my biological daughter) only lived with me for the first 18 months of her life, and then I had her for a day and a half every other weekend. My parents were very distant during my childhood. I remember in my teens and twenties telling my mom I loved her, on three or four occasions . It was a struggle for me, and she did reciprocate, but I always had to say it first.

I always look to Nikki for help and backup. But soon she won't be there. I told her a couple nights ago that I couldn't do it. She said she would have to go back to New York, to her abusive ex-husband while she finishes up her schooling. The kids would have to suffer for nine months until she finishes school and can get a full time job and move out. There just aren't any teaching positions for standard education. Michigan has a hold on hiring. They're always looking for special ed teachers though, in many states, if not all.

I had told her I couldn't do it. But we went to therapy together and talked it out. I've decided to try. Who knows, maybe I'll fail. If I do, I'll at least have tried. I would regret it forever if I didn't try, and Nikki and I split up, and the kids and I lost each other.

I may suffer from anxiety. I may experience some depression. I'll have no medication to treat this, and only sessions with Nikki and her therapist to help (it will help, though). I have to do my best, and that's all that anybody should expect of me. Who knows, I may succeed with flying colors. Maybe I'll become a better parent than ever before, now that I don't have Nikki to steal the spotlight, so to speak. We'll see.