Sarah, My Oldest Daughter

Sarah is Nikki's first daughter, born on January 11th, 1999. Her father was very abusive to her while she was growing up, both emotionally and physically. She was always a gifted child, and she started walking and talking well before the one year mark.

I met Sarah in November of 2006, not long after I met Nikki. I showed up at the apartment one day (when her father wasn't there, natch), and her and her sister, Savannah, both made me drawings. They were full of smiles and they were both so sweet. Nikki had told them that she was in love with Amy, and that they were going to be living with mommy and Amy, but they would still get to see daddy. They seemed fine with it, but they had no idea the kind of hell they would have to go through over the next year. I still feel so bad that they had to go through all that.

On January 30th, 2007, their father punched Nikki while I was there. His mistake, yet they paid for it. I attacked him, practically jumping on his back and pulling him away from Nikki. I heard them screaming and crying, but I had to protect my love against this monster. Nikki called the police, but she didn't press charges, and they really did nothing, since his brother is a policeman as well (which he made sure to tell them). We then took them to a motel and stayed there overnight, without notifying him. We showed up at court the next day, and so did he -- since the police had tipped him off that that's what Nikki said she was planning on doing. Nice one, guys! The scene at the courthouse was like something out of a Lifetime movie. Nikki's mother-in-law was trying to get them to come to her, but we wouldn't let them, since him and his mother were always threatening to take the girls and fly them back to his mother's home in the Philippines. That was so confusing for them.

Sarah at two years old, 2001.

Nikki was trying to get a "stay away" order of protection against her husband, but since he showed up at the same time, he filed it as well. The judge gave them a standard order of protection, that one would not harass or abuse the other... which basically amounted to nothing. Nikki had no choice but to take her and the kids and go into a safe house for abused women and their children. Naturally, I couldn't go with them, but I spent the time alone trying to find an apartment for us. Sarah and Savannah really hated the safe house. The staff there was not friendly at all. They were all kicked out a month later.

Sarah in one of her dance outfits, five years old, 2004.

Nikki and the kids got on the wrong bus after visiting me at the local mall for a few hours, and ended up in Queens (many miles from where they were supposed to be). The safe house personnel couldn't (or wouldn't) assist them, so I had to get them and drive them back. I dropped them off down the street, since I wasn't supposed to know where the safe house was. They kicked her out anyway, and I held all of us up in motels for the next two months. The school bus would come to pick up the girls at the motel. We were waiting for Social Services to help us with the first month or two of rent for an apartment.

Sarah at her eigth birthday party, 2007.

They strung us along for months, and then pulled out.

Nikki then took the kids to Michigan to stay with her sister and her sister's family. Her sister kicked her out after two days, when the kids' father called up, threatening her.

Nikki took the kids to stay at her father's house. Her husband was threatening to put out an Amber Alert for the kids, even though he knew exactly where they were. Nikki had to come back to New York.

The kids stayed with their father and their grandmother (Nikki's mother-in-law) while court proceedings were underway. Nikki and I got an apartment in Michigan, and then came back to New York a few days later. The kids got to talk to a lawyer appointed to them, a psychologist, and even the judge himself. I don't know what the kids told them exactly, but their father ended up on a national child abuse list because of it.

Sarah (with Savannah behind her) at their confirmation, 2007.

Near the end of the summer, the final decision was reached in court. The case was dropped, and Nikki would get to have the kids come to Michigan with us in four months. Why four months? Well, it was a real bonehead decision. They stayed with their aunt to make a more gradual transition towards living in Michigan, and living with two moms. There was no transition. Nobody back in New York said a thing about Michigan or having lesbian parents. They started school in September, and were uprooted in December. They were living with us in mid-December, and they started over at the public school here. They both started child therapy. Sarah was put on medication for anxiety and depression, and Savannah, for ADHD.

They both had a really hard time adjusting, but Sarah took it the hardest. She really had trouble just getting to like me, since her father and I don't get along. It took her awhile to realize that she doesn't have to take sides. Life is really different here than in New York. None of their father's family were here, which was all they knew. Life was a bit stricter, yet more structured, than what it was in New York. Nikki used to be away at school and work a lot, and their father and grandmother just let them eat whatever they wanted, and however much they wanted. They were both overweight, especially Sarah. We broke it down: Breakfast at 8 AM (on weekends, otherwise it was at school), lunch at 12 noon (ditto), snack at 3 PM, dinner between 5 and 6 PM, and dessert at 7:30 PM. They're not allowed in the refrigerator without asking (though they often "forget" anyway), they're not allowed outside after dinner on a school night, and they're not allowed to play too far away from the house. Sarah hates the rules, but so would any kid. This home is a safe, loving one... not the abusive, chaotic, hurtful one they had been in.

Summer, 2007.

Last Summer, they stayed with their father and grandmother for a month. We knew it was a bad idea, but we had to prove that he really couldn't be a good parent to them. They missed their medication at least half the time, stayed up until 11 PM or 12 midnight every night, and were back to eating extra-sized meals and numerous snacks. Sarah gained eight pounds in a month while over there. She came back so messed up, she was kicking and screaming, and trying to grab knives... all because she wasn't allowed to go to the park because of her bad behavior. We put her in an outpatient program, which was like a school for kids, to help them handle their feelings and behavior. That was last August. She's been doing much better since then, and her therapist is really pleased.

So who is Sarah, really... besides a product of her environment? She's gifted... particularly in art, reading, and writing. She's way ahead of her grade level with her reading. She's incredibly creative. She's bossy and pushy, yet she has a good heart. She's patient with her younger sister, Skylar... yet fights often with Savannah. She certainly has an aversion to change, or anything out of the ordinary. Everything and everyone has to fit in their own little box. We're trying to teach her that the world just isn't like that. We had the biggest problem with her, after hearing her say such things like, "Two women shouldn't get married," and "You two should not be sleeping together." Anti-gay sentiments from our own daughter. Yet, to her credit, she was thrown into this lifestyle, and her father's family might've said some things to them... or worse, tried to brainwash them completely.

Winter, end of 2007. Not exactly gym wear, ha ha!

Sarah is a perfectionist in school, and with almost everything she does. She can be pretty damn lazy, and sometimes getting her to take a bath or shower is like pulling teeth. She's starting puberty, and oh boy, the attitude and just plain sassyness from this girl is through the roof sometimes. Sarah and this boy in our apartment complex have a love/hate relationship in a way. They disagreed on something, so he threw something at her (I think), and she threw him down and sat on him! So she's pretty rough and tomboy-ish at times.

She needs to be a kid. She worries if we have enough money for this and that, and, "Does the car have enough gas?" and "Did you remember to lock the front door?" Nikki and I tell her all the time not to worry about those things, and that we have it covered. Stop worrying so much and being so serious all the time. Laugh and have fun, and be a kid. Because we all know, those childhood moments don't last forever. Revel in them while you can.

Sarah, 2008.

She's a very picky kid, especially with food. She loves to eat... maybe too much... but she doesn't like half the snacks we have. I suppose that's a good thing, although she had a crying fit this morning, because we gave them a healthy snack for school: Celery with ranch dip and raisins or carrots. "I want a snack for school!" "We already gave you one." "I don't like it!" "Then you don't have to eat it." "I want a snack for school!" etc., etc., etc.

I'm a little nervous because tomorrow, Sarah is going for the the first of two surgeries to get the birthmark (or mole, depending on which doctor you talk to) removed. You can see it in some of the pictures here, it's near her right temple. It's been changing color, getting bigger, and irritated. We still don't know the time of the surgery, so I hope there hasn't been some kind of mix-up.

Sarah and Savannah, 2009.

That's my Sarah. I love her. That must be the reason why I haven't killed her yet.  ... just kidding.  ;)