Tough Crowd

I've been thinking more and more about my experience in New York, specifically just walking around in Wal-Mart. I've been realizing more and more that Michigan is a tough crowd. People just stare here. They stare and stare, often like I have two heads. It was so nice in NY, as everyone just seems to go about their business. When I noticed someone looking my way and I looked back, they smiled at me. That happened two times. How nice. Here in Michigan, they would just keep staring.

I've lived here for two years now and I need to get used to this.

No wonder my self-esteem and just general "I don't give a crap" attitude has gone by the wayside. I will say, though, that staring Michiganders are not the only reason. Let's see...

Nikki's mother is quite insane. Since Nikki's ex-mother-in-law told her I'm TS, she's sent police and CPS (Child Protective Services) to our apartment numerous times. Her sister has said that I have a criminal record and I am no good for Nikki. (Hmmm, wouldn't I know if I had a criminal record? Really now...) Oh yes, and the latest is Nikki's demon, I mean mom, creating fake MySpace accounts of me, using my photos. Three times. I reported her and the account was deleted, only to have her create a new one. All using my photos with insulting captions put under them. "I have bangs to cover my bald spots and receding hairline." "I need a nose job bad!" etc etc... This woman is 50-something years old, going on 12. She finally gave up with the imposter profiles (as far as I know, anyway), but who knows what's coming next?

Also, someone (or someones) in my apartment complex has figured out that I'm transsexual, or whatever they think, because I often get snickers or overhear someone saying, "That's a man!" Well, Nikki's sister used to live in this complex, so it may have started there. Or I might've been clocked. (I hate the term "clocked" but what else would I call it?) For some reason, black women seem to clock me easier than others, them and teenagers. What is it with black women and teenagers??? Do they have some sort of inner wisdom or is it because they actively stare and analyze people more, or what? I am not racist and I try not to be biased towards any demographic. I've just seen this happen time and time again. It seems that black women and teens are a tough crowd anywhere.

Weight gain is an issue as well. I don't think I blend in as well with the female population with the extra 25 pounds I've gained over the last year. The fat on one's face doesn't generally form the same for folks like me, as it does for genetic girls/natal women/cisgender women/whatever the hell term you want to use. I miss being 140 pounds... and when I was 140 pounds, I missed being at 130 pounds. I was 130 pounds in 2003. Yes, right before hormones. I need to get back there. I just don't want my boobs to shrink down to half their size or anything. I really love them at this size, which is a nice, solid B cup. I love when they get in my way or give that slight bounce when I walk fast. It's validating in a way. But it seems to me that my stomach sticks out almost as much, and that's not good.

What else? It could help if I got out more and just did things for me. There is very little money to be had right now, but the TG Rap support group at Affirmations is free (minus gas and dumping change in the meter), and I've been thinking of going there again. I want to start walking and exercising again. Whenever I go out for anything other than chores or faxing resumes, it's with Nikki and the kids. I think I need to find me again.

So yeah, it was real eye-opener, spending a day in NY. That, and I've been posting some of my old diary entries. I'm able to make a pretty good comparison between then and now. I used to be so daring, it was kind of dangerous. Now I feel slightly nervous and paranoid half the time. What a difference. I don't like it. I'm going to try fixing this, so we'll see how that goes.