We started off our day by having bagels with cream cheese. We grabbed those and started heading over to their grandmother's house. We have no air conditioning in the car, so the cream cheese began to melt into a sloppy mess. Yay. Then there was the debacle of... (cue stern-voiced announcer)..."The Picnic That Never Was!"
We headed over with the kids to the site of a family picnic, following their father and grandmother in her car. His family isn't too fond of me, given their opinion of me as a "homewrecker," plus the fact that many of them are religious, and they know that I'm a transsexual. Yeah. But Nikki's ex-husband and his mother were fine with me coming along, so what could go wrong? I am the kids' stepmom after all, and they were aware that I would be coming.
Into a local park we strode, to be met with Nikki's ex's brother, Jim. He's a policeman that looks more like a monkey. His eyes were burning into me as I walked with Nikki and our littlest one, Skylar. He said to Nikki's ex, "I don't mind the kids' mother coming, but she's not invited. She's not part of the family. It's out of respect to you." Riiiight.
Nikki called out to the kids, "Come on, kids, let's go!" The oldest one, Sarah, was in tears. Nikki and her ex (who by all rights, should hate my guts), both told the kids that I'm their mom and I should go wherever they go. Jim ruined it for the kids, and for everyone else at the picnic who wanted to see Skylar... who they had not seen in two years.
I feel that bad that all this happened because of me. I had nothing to do with what went on, however, which is something I have to keep telling myself. This was the decision of the children's original parents, that we all just leave at that point. I wonder what kind of rhetoric Jim (and a few others) might've been spouting into those kids' faces had they stayed without us? Luckily, we won't find that out. I just feel bad that their time with family and fun was disrupted because I wasn't welcome.
I mentioned my grandmother in another post (it's a longie, so I'll throw you a bone and tell you that I discussed grandma in the third to last paragraph). I got to visit her! Her house looked just like I remembered, since I don't think it's changed since the `70's (and maybe before that). I hadn't seen her in three years, and I looked very different since then (which was in guy mode, and trying to pass for a guy as best as I could, since I had already been on hormones for three years). Grandma didn't recognize me. She does know me as Amy, but after yelling "Amy" through the storm door and getting no recognition, I had to use my old name. Ugh. Once she knew who I was, she let me in and gave me a big hug and a kiss. Nikki and Skylar had come along also, so they all got a chance to meet. They both loved my grandma, and Skylar started following her all over (she kept mentioning ice cream though, so that might've been the cause of toddler fascination also!).
I'm blessed to have a very accepting grandmother. She expressed her views on the whole matter of my family and how they've been treating me since I disclosed everything to them. She said that I'm not dead, and I haven't done anything immoral or criminal. I'm just trying to live my life the way I want and be happy, and they should all be glad that I'm happy. No wonder my mother doesn't like my grandmother (her mother-in-law) that much. It seems as though they couldn't be more different people, as far as views and personality go.
What surprised me the most was finding out that my grandmother had told my cousin Deanna and my uncle Dennis (Deanna's father) about me, and they seemed to be accepting as well! I didn't bother notifying them of my transition, since I saw them so rarely. I saw Deanna only once in my entire adult life, though I saw her often when we were kids. As for Dennis, I saw him at the occasional Christmas get-together and that was it. Deanna only lives four blocks away from our grandmother, so she called her up to ask her if she wanted to come over and see me! I was so excited and nervous. Alas, she was out shopping and couldn't come over just then. We hung around and talked together some more, and I wrote down my email and snail-mail addresses to give to my cousin.
"What does this say? Yahoo?"
"Don't worry, grandma, she'll know what to with that."
"Well, okay, I hope so."
I hope I can keep in touch with Deanna. I have a lot of memories of her from my childhood, and good ones. I just barely spoke at times, since I was all but crippled by shyness due to my gender identity incongruity. She was the girl I longed to be. Also, my grandmother is 92. I hate to think of anything happening to her, but she's had a lot of medical maladies befall her in the last few years. I seriously think that if she passed on, nobody in my family would call me. At best, it would be after the funeral. Hell, I just found out from grandma that my grandfather (on my mother's side) was in an accident and was in the hospital for broken ribs and other bones. Nobody cares to let me know.
I wonder, though, if Deanna really did want to see me. After all, shopping is something that can be cut short and then resumed later. And it could be another two years or more that I'll get back to New York again. Maybe she had mixed feelings about meeting me?
The rest of the day was rather uneventful. We went to Wal-Mart to get a few things and I have to say this: Michigan is a rough crowd. I've been having trouble with self-esteem and feeling confident in public for awhile now, and that wasn't always so. In New York, Long Island specifically, people really don't stare as much as in Michigan. When they do, they often smile or have some kind of expression on their face. Michiganders just tend to stare me down, and I think (and hope) not just at me. I felt so comfortable and at-ease walking around in Wal-Mart. We have a Wal-Mart here in Michigan too, where many people seem to like staring at me. If it wasn't for the humidity and high housing costs, New York would be tempting. Grandma and people who tend to mind their business (most of the time, anyway) are definite plusses in my book.
No comments:
Post a Comment