As I may have mentioned in a previous post, I've been writing to two of my cousins, Deanna and Candice, on Facebook. I haven't known them since I was a teenager (or slightly before). My grandmother had (unbeknownst to I) shown Deanna my "coming out" letter to her. I had no idea that either of my cousins would be so accepting and understanding. Them and my Grandma have provided some much-needed solace, and shown me that not everyone in my family is willing to write me off.
A few hours ago, I received an email from Candice. She told me that Grandma told her (I know, it's the telephone game) that my father was upset when he heard that I visited Grandma (his mother) and not visited the house where I grew up. This is what I wrote in response:
I'm surprised my dad was upset. Well, not really the aspect that he misses me and such. It's just that he knows my mother doesn't accept me. And then my sister called me and told me to "leave everybody alone" and stop writing and calling, etc. As you may know, my sister lives upstairs from my parents now, in an apartment they made for her and her family. It seems pretty clear that I'm not welcome there. Not to mention... though he may not realize this... I don't own any male clothes. My hair is long with bangs, in the summertime I'm wearing strappy tanks and such, I have boobs now (LOL), I almost always wear makeup... and I'm not going to compromise on any of that anymore. Nobody in my family besides you three (you, Deanna and Grandma) have seen me this way. No pictures, nothing. I can see it now, as I walk up to the front door: Knock knock knock! (door opens) Mom: "Who are you? ... Oh my God, it's...holy crap!" (door slams and locks) LOL!
Laughter aside, I feel a mixed bag of emotions when I think about this. I would have loved to have visited my parents and my sister and her family. I would love to see how big her daughter has gotten. I've barely seen that kid at all, and she's my niece. I would love to be able to exist in that house as me... for the first time.
But reality is a cold bitch. Oh, my father would pretend everything is fine, and who knows what's really going on in his head? My sister would either conveniently disappear, or just be so quiet because she wouldn't know what to say. Somewhat bearable so far. But my mother... hmmm... she could do any number of things. Vanish and go clean somewhere. Criticize my appearance and/or "choices" in life (which I would be surprised if she realizes at this point that it isn't a choice). Be civil but keep giving me these looks all the time. I think all mom's have it: The "I'm Not Pleased With You" Look. I use it ocassionally myself. It saves you from having to say anything. You just give `em The Look (tm).
Hey, why don't we all meet at Grandma's house? ...nah. I don't want to put that poor woman through all that. Having her lil' house turn into a re-enactment of the Cold War can't be high on her list of priorities.
You know what's funny? They all have my address. They all have my phone number. Unless they flushed it down the toilet in a fit of disgust, they all have this stuff. Write me, call me... because I know if I call the house, my mother will answer. Or worse yet, my sister, who then may say, "I told you not to call here!"
Changing the subject now. Yep. My illness appears to have gone bye-bye. Yay! I went walking for an hour yesterday. My iPod has been working lately also. The battery wasn't holding a charge, but for some reason, it's all better now. I've been listening to a lot of Ayumi Hamasaki while out walking, who is one of the most popular singers in Japan. Most people in ol' USA have never heard of her, since she sings mostly in Japanese and isn't really promoted over here either. So lemme do some promotin'. Below is a video from YouTube. This will probably be deleted or have the sound removed shortly, as is bound to happen with copyrighted material on YouTube. So listen to it now, and let me know what you think. Don't worry about what she's saying, just watch the video (yes, she's real easy to look at) and listen to the music for music's sake. Keep in mind that I have over 100 of her songs (and none from the last three of four years), and her music is very diverse.So what do you think? Leave comments!
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